Author Topic: The one thing you won't miss: FEAR  (Read 10611 times)

[Buddie]

The one thing you won't miss: FEAR
« on: September 04, 2014, 09:47:54 am »
 September 9th marks eight years free of benzo beast for me. The one thing that nobody misses is the paralyzing fear of never recovering. The fear of staying sick and feeling alone will vanish. You will recover and the crippling fear will subside. Many horrific symptoms accompany this experience, but the one that is most disturbing is the hopelessness and fear of staying sick. Those of us who have recovered can testify to you that your symptoms will go away at some point. The fear will go with them. Fear is not from God. It is from the enemy. Don't give up hope. Don't ever let the enemy win. Ever. Your miracle is waiting for you. I know it!

FEAR= FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL
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[Buddie]

Re: The one thing you won't miss: FEAR
« Reply #1 on: September 04, 2014, 09:56:11 am »
Deglaze thank you for this wonderful message of hope.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: The one thing you won't miss: FEAR
« Reply #2 on: September 04, 2014, 10:29:34 am »
Congratulations on your 8 year anniversary of being benzo free!!!  I read your posts often when I need to boost my hope up.  I'll be jumping at the end of this month and it's good to know that I can log on to get further info and read posts of encouragement like yours.  Stay well and God bless you [...]!

[...]
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: The one thing you won't miss: FEAR
« Reply #3 on: September 04, 2014, 10:36:41 am »
September 9th marks eight years free of benzo beast for me. The one thing that nobody misses is the paralyzing fear of never recovering. The fear of staying sick and feeling alone will vanish. You will recover and the crippling fear will subside. Many horrific symptoms accompany this experience, but the one that is most disturbing is the hopelessness and fear of staying sick. Those of us who have recovered can testify to you that your symptoms will go away at some point. The fear will go with them. Fear is not from God. It is from the enemy. Don't give up hope. Don't ever let the enemy win. Ever. Your miracle is waiting for you. I know it!

FEAR= FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL

Hello again Dez

You wrote to me before on your last thread a few months ago..

I am today starting my 21st month off and I am still crippled by fear, it's fear of nothing but still fear of everything, my fear seems to be connected to my severe and disabling DP/DR and when I go out my fear increases to unbearable as the world I remember is so different, strange and terrifying, yesterday I was walking where I live and my mind kept questioning where I really was and who I really am, it fills me with so much emotion, confusion but worst of all a frightening feeling of been trapped in this other world inside my head forever..

Like you I've had people praying for me, priests visiting me, healers trying to cure me and none of them along with my family understand what happened me as all my medical tests are normal accept I have a small lesion in my right temporal lobe but all further tests have ruled out any connection to my unexplainable and bizzare symptoms!!!

This is why my family and friends don't believe the benzo theory and think it's all in my head even though they still want me to get better they don't understand my intense level of fear as before this they always knew me as the most fearless guy they knew..

I owned and ran pubs, clubs, security and boxed semi professional for a few years so my fear makes no sense to me or anyone who knows me!!!

I have fear of everything and at 21 months out I'm scared this will never go away or could take years to get even manageable..

I have gone from successful and fearless to a nobody who fear's even going out!! But I still force myself out but it's still beyound terrifying when I'm out as I never ever truly connect to know where I really am, I feel like I'm dead walking about and that everything I see is just made up in my head, any memory of life before feels so unreal like it never really happened and what really disturbs me is my family and friends look familiar but I truly have no idea how or why I even know them??

Did you really have it as bad as me this far out and still heal 100% ???

I think you started feeling better around this time off and knew you was going to make it? I don't still and since month 16 I've got so much worse, I did way more and coped better my first year off, I hope this is the final storm before calm seas up ahead but for the life of me I can't ever see this going away, how can you live this far gone for 2 years including my 4 month taper after only 2 weeks of Lorazepam and still come back? I cant see how you can feel so strange, brain damaged, disconnected and altered for 2 years and still come back to the person you knew from before??

I have lived this altered for so long that if the old me came back I would not know who he was that's how strange and changed I feel inside, I worry that I will never ever truly connect again to know who my family and friends really are again, they all just look like characters from a movie I watched years ago, they look familiar but I don't know how I know them or why they even look familiar..

Did you have it exactly as I describe and if so does all this otherworldly disconnection from reality really go away or was you just lucky ???

Bless you so much for coming back again to offer another beacon of hope to all us lost souls trying to find our way home from this hell we are trapped in !!

I wish I could feel a day without fear again just to know what it feels like to not have this type of paralysing fear that seperates us from our true life!!! Just a sample so I know it will really go away?

Best a Wishes

[...]
« Last Edit: September 04, 2014, 10:46:17 am by [Buddie] »
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: The one thing you won't miss: FEAR
« Reply #4 on: September 04, 2014, 12:14:50 pm »
Yes, I felt as if I was on a bad acid trip 24/7. Fear of being the elephant in the room was constant. There's no words to describe that feeling...on top of all the other bizarre symptoms. I think these drugs affect the calming center of our brain and positive thinking is almost impossible. How can we carry on a normal conversation or enjoy anything when we feel like we're dying all the time? I was consumed with me. No matter how much I tried to divert my attention to something else, my thoughts were consumed with myself.

I think we become friends with our illness. We become our sickness, and the thought of being set free is scary as we lived this way for so long. Like a caged animal who stays in it's cage when the door is open. Will we be able to pick up where we left off? Will we be able to function normally? What will I do once I get better and no longer need support? How do I leave this hell behind me? How does this scary journey end once I'm better? Will I be expected to go back to work or join in the reindeer games with everyone? Will people think I was just crazy? What's it really like to be normal again?  I had those fears and many more.

Once your brain becomes clearer and the numerous familiar symptoms start to subside, so does the fear. It's almost as if we are born again and life, with all it's beauty, returns. Fresh air smells good. Watching the waves break onto the beach is exciting. Hearing the everyday sounds of life seems new and unfamiliar. Children playing at the park seems like a vision from yesteryear. Was I really a playful kid like them at one time? It's like seeing the world for the first time. Fear turns to hope and thankfulness when we get a second chance. We awaken from the benzo coma and want to do so many things we missed out on while sick. It's all such a pathetic ordeal.


There's the benzo us and the real us. The real us is in there, it's just been altered by chemicals. And, the real us does emerge eventually. Everyone's journey is different and each recovers on a different timetable. But, from everyone I speak with or email, everyone gets better. You will, too. I never believed I'd be normal again...not for one second. But, I was wrong.

Hugs and healing. Denise aka [...]

Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: The one thing you won't miss: FEAR
« Reply #5 on: September 04, 2014, 01:35:11 pm »
thanks Denise for telling us.

fear is so hard to deal with. it makes life miserable. i believe like you say it goes away in time.

thx for your story ;)
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: The one thing you won't miss: FEAR
« Reply #6 on: September 04, 2014, 02:39:51 pm »
Dear deZ
Thank you for your encouraging post.  I am in my 15 th month off after only 5 months of use and I spend everyday in fear of never recovering.  At my age , I don't have too many years left to fully recover and look forward to a long life after so it's harder for is older folks to be positive I think.
But I try.  The sxs that scare me the most is leg and muscle weakness, loud ear ringing, some insomnia, tummy issues and crying.  I walk everyday but my legs don't get stronger.  I shake inside.  I seem to be traumatized to some degree by just my experience of the last year plus.  I had really thought I would be so much more improved by now.

I am so happy you are healed and I wish you the best.  Bless you.
[...]
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: The one thing you won't miss: FEAR
« Reply #7 on: September 04, 2014, 03:16:40 pm »
Yes, I felt as if I was on a bad acid trip 24/7. Fear of being the elephant in the room was constant. There's no words to describe that feeling...on top of all the other bizarre symptoms. I think these drugs affect the calming center of our brain and positive thinking is almost impossible. How can we carry on a normal conversation or enjoy anything when we feel like we're dying all the time? I was consumed with me. No matter how much I tried to divert my attention to something else, my thoughts were consumed with myself.

I think we become friends with our illness. We become our sickness, and the thought of being set free is scary as we lived this way for so long. Like a caged animal who stays in it's cage when the door is open. Will we be able to pick up where we left off? Will we be able to function normally? What will I do once I get better and no longer need support? How do I leave this hell behind me? How does this scary journey end once I'm better? Will I be expected to go back to work or join in the reindeer games with everyone? Will people think I was just crazy? What's it really like to be normal again?  I had those fears and many more.

Once your brain becomes clearer and the numerous familiar symptoms start to subside, so does the fear. It's almost as if we are born again and life, with all it's beauty, returns. Fresh air smells good. Watching the waves break onto the beach is exciting. Hearing the everyday sounds of life seems new and unfamiliar. Children playing at the park seems like a vision from yesteryear. Was I really a playful kid like them at one time? It's like seeing the world for the first time. Fear turns to hope and thankfulness when we get a second chance. We awaken from the benzo coma and want to do so many things we missed out on while sick. It's all such a pathetic ordeal.


There's the benzo us and the real us. The real us is in there, it's just been altered by chemicals. And, the real us does emerge eventually. Everyone's journey is different and each recovers on a different timetable. But, from everyone I speak with or email, everyone gets better. You will, too. I never believed I'd be normal again...not for one second. But, I was wrong.

Hugs and healing. Denise aka [...]

Bless you Denise

You described me and my altered thoughts to a tee, how remarkable!!!

I'm sure you know we all still suffering want to believe you so much (but benzos make you believe your trapped this way forever) that we cling to any hope we can get just to try and survive this unbearable and unbelievable 'invisible' ordeal!!!

Acid trip is I suppose the easiest way to describe it but along with that you feel like you also lost your soul and all the things that make you - you are gone forever!!!

It must feel amazing to be you again and your right about becoming your illness as I know nothing else now and any memory of the old me or who I was before even feels false and made up..

I tried acid once when I was young but from what I can remember it was fun but living in this benzo acid trip is nothing short of your worst nightmare of an acid trip gone wrong..

I get angry cause family and friends stopped believing me a long long time ago and that has filled me with terrible resentment of them, something I never felt in my life before, but I hope once I'm healed that anger and resentment will go, as anyway you look at it, how can I expect anyone to believe a pill I stopped 20 months ago could in any way be still responsible for how I am now..

Thank you again Denise for responding so quick as reading your response is healing in itself.

Best Wishes

[...] aka [...]
 
« Last Edit: September 04, 2014, 03:21:50 pm by [Buddie] »
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: The one thing you won't miss: FEAR
« Reply #8 on: September 04, 2014, 03:23:48 pm »
Congrats on so many benzo free years and thank you for posting, Denise.  You never know how many people in the future will need to read your words for encouragement.
 :smitten:
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: The one thing you won't miss: FEAR
« Reply #9 on: September 04, 2014, 03:46:40 pm »
What a fantastic post !  Thank you Denise !  Hugs, KB
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.