The suicidal thoughts are becoming more real..

Oh boy.  Those are nice cars.  It it the ones they call, "split window?"  It breaks my heart to go out to the shed and look under the "blankie" I put on it to keep the moisture out.  It still has no rust. I always kept it sheltered and knew how to take care of it and running right.  It's a Yamaha.  A beautiful gunmetal/black cruiser.  Still looks brand new.  I let the insurance and registration run out on it.  License frame says, "live to ride."  It was what relaxed me and gave me joy.  I even enjoyed driving my silver Toyota Yaris I paid cash for, cute little car, and now it just sits in driveway literally collecting cobwebs.  Afraid to drive now.  I'm on disability, lost my job and my income.  Living in hell each day now.  Now I'm a bundle of nerves everyday being unable to go out much.

I thought I'd come and join you all here having been living with constant suicidal ideation for a year. I got this very quickly on citalopram and valium last year. It's pure torture. Before all this, I was such a happy, bubbly, creative, positive person. Obviously I went on the citalopram for a reason..anxiety after a dreadful reaction to antibiotics, but not a day goes by when I don't wish I could go back to that time and recover med free. I kick myself every day because I would have done it.

 

I try so hard everyday but I feel like I'm just waiting to feel happy again. I'd take excruciating physical pain over this any day. I used to get loads of physical pain and it was agony. I had 9/10 pain in my neck a for a couple of months, 9/10 knee pain for about 6 months and dreadful bladder pain for months at a time but I could still function with it and enjoy my life. I didn't let it get in the way of me doing things I wanted to do. With this mental torture and constant terror, I just can't function. I get shed loads of physical symptoms with this but they are nothing compared to the mental torment.

 

I mean, what the heck are we meant to do?

Unfortunately, my therapist retired just when I needed her the most. So I had to go through wd and depression alone. Thank God for the suicide hot line. I can talk to them any time day or night about anything. They are great for calming me down at 3 in the morning. As an ex police officer I do have a weapon, but so far I'm just to stubborn to take the permanent solution to what I hope is a temporary problem. Hang in there. It's getting better every day for me, maybe it will for you too.

Hi Artist.

 

I like your attitude of being too stubborn to end yourself. Recently I had an idea that if someone else was telling me the things that I tell myself when I hit a dark place that I'd tell them to get lost. I'd be way to stubborn to accept anything they were saying and I'd stay alive just to spite them.

 

I think stubbornness can be a very useful tool if we're thinking it's never going to end!

 

I'm glad things are mproving for you and I hope it keeps going in that direction.

 

 

Lost