The suicidal thoughts are becoming more real..

All I can say is that I feel your pain...

May God bless you and give you the courage to stay strong.

x

I am in the same spot my friends: hourly despair from depression.  Prior to my 3rd attempt at tapering, I hadnt a clue what depression truly was. Could not understand those who did.  Never really gave it much thought actually. Thought that "these depressive people, just needed to toughen up and get on with it. Boy was I ignorant!!!  I can handle the physical pain; not the depression. It is so hard. And trying to raise my 2 fantastic children, as I am sure others here are in the midst of as well, is crushing:(. How to "put on" the brave face each day.

Hanging on with you my friends......hoping for better days for everyone.

I am in the same spot my friends: hourly despair from depression.  Prior to my 3rd attempt at tapering, I hadnt a clue what depression truly was. Could not understand those who did.  Never really gave it much thought actually. Thought that "these depressive people, just needed to toughen up and get on with it. Boy was I ignorant!!!  I can handle the physical pain; not the depression. It is so hard. And trying to raise my 2 fantastic children, as I am sure others here are in the midst of as well, is crushing:(. How to "put on" the brave face each day.

Hanging on with you my friends......hoping for better days for everyone.

 

I also couldnt understand depression until this crap hit me. Is it the wd?? The medicine?

Deborah, I'll just mention this:  I see you're on Synthroid for hypothyroidism.  I take a natural replacement script called Nature-throid that helps with depression.  It contains T3, which I've learned helps to elevate mood.  Just an idea to consider. 

Becksblue,

 

My thyroid is never stable.  I have to get it checked every 3 months and it's always abnormal.  I've had 2/3 rds of it taken out.  I will talk to my doctor about what you suggested.  I need this depression to go away.  My children can't believe what is happening to me.  Last night I just prayed to God and asked Him to please take me home.  It's early morning here and the thought of bother day is hard.  I prayed that God would see us through.

 

Jesus loves you,

Deborah

Deborah,  please do read up about the natural thyroid replacement and how it helps to alleviate depression more than the Synthroid.  Mary Shoman knows alot about it, you can google her up.  Many traditional doctors won't believe that the natural works better for the depression, some docs know and some don't.

I'm really sad to read this thread, and I hope that all of you find your way out, and find the patience to get you through until you do. I have been in a dark place, many times actually.  I've had the same thought about the gun to my head, and also urges to cut with knives and bleed.  These mental images only began when I started tapering off klonopin.  Luckily I don't own a gun so it wasn't even an option, but the thoughts themselves were traumatic. 

 

I can say that, despite the occasional dark days, I've been lifting out of my depression.  I've been overall not-depressed for about a solid 3 months now, which is long for me, so I have hope that we can all make it though. Sometimes it takes a moment of realization about the self, to really kick off the self-healing and allow ourselves to see & understand that which is hurting us.  Example:  Through W/D, and a few other recent life events, I've been forced to face things, and I have actually learned to adapt in ways that I never thought possible. I can often will those thoughts away now, or simply feel indifferent towards them. 

 

Although the process of W/D is scary, our benzo w/d does offer a higher ability to do this, through analyzing the intrusive thoughts.  They have meaning, but I don't think it's typically literal.  Our brains are healing, we must endure this suffering and have faith/conviction that we are going to feel differently as we get off these drugs, at some point in time, gradually.  There are success stories to hang onto, on these own forums.

 

Stay strong everyone, I'm sure we're going to all see this through some day.

“We are all faced with a series of great opportunities

brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.” ~ Charles R. Swindoll

 

I will never quit. I will be well one day. Embrace the above quote and blast away at the mountain of pain until it disintegrates into dust that blows away in the wind.

The dilemma I'm in with ending it all is that the instinct to survive keeps me from doing it.  I'm afraid I'd screw it up anyway and then I'd be in a REALLY bad place.  Gun?  I have hyperacusis so badly, just the thought of a loud bang is out of the question.  I just keep carrying on each day.  I have too much fear and anxiety to end my own life.  And with this cog fog now, I couldn't figure it out anyway how to get it done successfully.

I keep telling myself that the bullet travels faster than the speed of sound so I would never hear it. I guess, when I finally make that final decision, even if I do hear it I won't be able to complain about it for more than a millisecond or so. Things are just to darn scary here. Nothing is real. AGAIN!  This is the middle of my sixth month off and the derealization has come back. This is so horrifying to live this way. I still always consider, when I am in this state of mind, to go and kill the doctor first. Then myself. Or maybe just shoot him in both knees so he has to suffer too. Either way he might do some thinking about passing out these damn drugs so carelessly. 

Hi guys.

 

I've just started a thread about self harm and I'd really appreciate your thoughts on it if you care to add them.

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=116673.msg1527249#msg1527249

 

Thanks very much.

 

 

Lost

Please nobody try to shoot yourself, it's a surprisingly unreliable way to die. You have a high chance of living and being brain damaged and disfigured, or dying but not immediately and you suffer allot. My dad, in fact, knows one person for both cases.

 

Plus, someone you love has to see that and ID the body.

Dreammovie,  I'm sure you're doctor is clueless or has blinders on about the hazards of these drugs.  The Big Pharma's should go to to jail for not funding research into the hazards of these. 

You aren't kidding about that Becksblue. Thank you for saying my name. I had, again, began to think I was not really here anymore either. I have posted in several places in the past couple of days and nothing was mentioned about anything I said. They just continued their conversations as if I was not there. I had begun to believe that BB was just a part of the nightmare. Oh, and by the way, even though I don't go to that special place  on the forum, you are still in my prayers every morning. 

Dreammovie,  I feel like I'm ignored too on the forum.  Ppl. respond sometimes and sometimes they don't.  They're probably sick of seeing my posts all the time.

I think when we discuss depression its sometimes too much for people. I wonder how many people suffer but some talk about it openly like we do.

 

I dont care about all the sx from wd. 95 percent of my suffering is due to my depression.

Wow. Same here on feeling ignored at BB.  I hope I never made you guys feel ignored.

 

Whenever I either cry out for help, or offer something constructive (offer advice,theory, or an idea to do something, etc) hardly get a response, very few. People only seem to respond when they're somehow angry at my point of view, and maybe I just don't have good social skills, but I'm not a mean person ( Just honest and not typical) so i don't know why I get so harshly judged. Never had this treatment on other forums, which I've belonged to many. Don't know why I bother with BB...boredom?  Hopeful?

 

Also, I agree that the depression is way worse than physical side effects. I know the grass is always greener, but id trade mental anguish for most physical pain. At least others would understand I'm hurting, too.

I had horrible intrusive thoughts this morning about all the ppl. in my life who have abused me and screwed me over:  parents, sister, boyfriends, bosses, coworkers, on and on.  Ppl. have abused me relentlessly.  I had a sewer line backup right outside my kitchen window this afternoon.  How bout that?  Seeing raw sewerage on the ground standing at the kitchen sink.  I hope I die in my sleep.  I'd do the final act if I could make sure it worked.  I hate my life so badly now.  It's not worth living if everyday is filled with panic, fear, benzo belly, anxiety, housebound.  I would have healed sooner if I didn't have all this external stress to deal with everyday that keeps me in high anxiety.  I had a seizure at work years ago and my mind hasn't been  the same since.  Maybe that's why I'm so messed up still?  If God had mercy on me, he would put me down.  They do it to animals that are suffering. 

I pray for death every day and every night. This is no life at all Becks. I would also trade the mental depression for physical any day. I dont care what it is. :'(

This isn't even a real depression.  It's an anxious depression which makes it even worse.  God has to take me soon.  I could hardly get a shower today, I was shaking and hyperventilating so badly. 

The problem is..he isnt going to take us. I wish it were that easy. I would have been gone a long time ago.

Ive been in bed for 15 months now. My body is dying.

groovejuice, were you in bed during your taper?  I didn't have real problems until I jumped off.  Is that Gabapentin making you depressed?

Im still tapering. My bedridden crap started when i hit tolerance wd. Thats when my depression became so severe. I mean major major major. Gabapentin, Klonopin wd all states depression can be severe. I dont know why i got so bad. I was at least functional before that 15 month ago mark. I think i went nto twd on both meds...i just dont know what one came first.

groove, that's a double whammy for sure, with depression as side effects on both, geez.  I took Xanax and it has antidepressant qualities, so I wasn't depressed on it until I hit tolerance w/d about 7 months before I jumped off.  I was getting weird depressed spells when I was driving, dark tunnel vision, no more joy doing anything especially noticed it while riding my motorcycle.  Riding my MC used to bring me alot of joy, like being on an amusement park ride for hours at a time.  I sure miss that.  It's still sitting in shed covered with a sheet.   

Everything i used to enjoy is meaningless pretty much so i understand the MC thing. I have a 1970 SS Chevelle I have owned since i was 18. It been everything to me for many many years. I didnt even take it out of the garage one time this year.