In eR

In the er they have made all kinds of tests all have come out fine waiting on ct but sure thats going to be fine too. Then they are going to give ne a psych eval do i tell them the truth that i do feel suicidal at times? That my pdoctor will only give me the option of phenobarbatal to replace the librium and that hecwill only let me do it out patient and he doesnt know what to do about the gabba b receptors that this is done all thevtime outpaitient and is the gold standard for getting people off benzos?!?  Help quick!

Hoping other more experienced BBs will comment soon, but I say definitely NO, do not tell them you are suicidal.  Tell them you're going through a rough time but would never do anything to leave your kids motherless!!!

I agree with the other poster.  And I don't think going into detail about gaba b receptors or benzo withdrawal will help much either.  If it were me, I'd just get the test results and leave ASAP. 

I wouldn't tell them about your thoughts. I had them too and I didn't tell them when I was in the ER.

If your tests come back neg than you know you are fine, that should be what you needed by going to the ER in the first place right? Peace of mind that nothing is wrong with you and it is all wd syx. The ER doesn't typically care about benzo users so IMO sharing all that other info would be only beneficial if you were actually thinking of harming yourself definitely and needed serious help. I don't want to send you home if you are going to go home and kill yourself.....that's where I struggle to give you advice to lie. I don't know where your head is at right now.

 

Grinch

Don't worry, the suicidal thoughts are common , almost all of us get them. You will get better just be strong. I too have been in the ER, benzo withdrawal has landed me in the ER like 5-6 times. It is not nice I know, why don't you do something nice for your children? Oh I forgot to mention, I have had blood pressure tests, blood tests, blood sugar tests, urine tests, an ECG and strength/cognition tests and guess what? Completely normal. Benzo withdrawal sucks ass

In the er they have made all kinds of tests all have come out fine waiting on ct but sure thats going to be fine too. Then they are going to give ne a psych eval do i tell them the truth that i do feel suicidal at times? That my pdoctor will only give me the option of phenobarbatal to replace the librium and that hecwill only let me do it out patient and he doesnt know what to do about the gabba b receptors that this is done all thevtime outpaitient and is the gold standard for getting people off benzos?!?  Help quick!

 

I am glad all your tests came out fine. Many of us, including me went to the ER. Yes, tell them of having suicidal thoughts. Expect for them to take you seriously. Unfortunately, there is not anything or drug that can aid in healing your damaged CNS. Only time can do that. Thanks for letfing us know how you are doing.

Mommy,

I have two small children.  Age 3 and 7.  There are two distinctions to be made here.  Thinking of suicide and wanting to die are different.  This horrible horrible process includes those intrusive thoughts of doing yourself in.  I remember waking from a dream where Jazz hands danced thru my brain celebrating me 'offing myself'.. those were the words the dream used.  When I started this journey it was because I had some sudden 'breakdown'?  I don't even know what it was, but I was aware something was wrong and as I walked up my hallway stairs I saw a disturbing mental picture of my demise.  This was the day 'before' I started the benzo bus. 

 

I called my mom and had her take me to emergency after a friend came and got my kids.  I called my OB of all people and they called me into the ER.  When I got there they took me back and a psych Dr. entered my room.  The first thing he asked. 'Do you want to die?".  I said, "NO!!  I want to live!"  Then I told him about what i saw and would I know if I wanted to die or live.  He said, 'Yes, people who want to die, know they want to die." 

 

Again, I never ever wanted to die.  I wanted to live live live live.  Then the benzo ride started.  I was on 1-2mg ativan 3x a day staring in March of last year until July when I found a detox Dr.  I was in bad shape at that point.  Then I did a 21 week taper after switching to 10mg valium 3x a day.  Do you know I never thought of what happened that day (the demise thing) again until I ENDED my taper.  It came 2 months out after I finished my taper which proved to be far harsher then anything I experienced during the taper. 

 

It was nothing I have ever entertained or wanted to do.  The intrusive thoughts and desires don't have to go together. 

 

Now, if you do want to die, that is a different story.  Absolutely put yourself under watch.  I have had severe severe depression that lasted two days.. not long, I know.  But during that time I instructed my family not to leave me alone or leave me alone with my children.  I have made sure to place all of us safety at all times.  I have the resources to do this.  In March of this year I was able to be alone with my kids.

 

You have to have people you can trust and be honest with that understand this process.  Again, do you want to live but feel on the cusp of insanity?...Yup, benzo bus.  How do you deal?  I went to counseling 2x a week and learned skills to bridge me while I white knuckled the weeks and months of the benzo process.  I had a husband, mother inlaw, mom, church friends who where there at ANY HOUR OF THE DAY because crazy loves to strike anytime anywhere. 

 

Remember, do you want to live?  Yes, then you have won half the battle.  Once you understand and see the benzo lies you can recognize where you need help to get thru that particular wave.

 

I am 9 months out and that kind of stuff doesn't happen anymore.  Other things come, but it's less then half of what I used to deal with.  You can make it Mommyof2.  You can do this.

 

MommyR

Yeah, they'll ask you if you were thinking about suicide and then will probably ask if you would actually do it. I guess they make a big distinction between thinking about it and if you would actually do it. If people were actually planning out ways to do it, it's a big red flag. I guess it can depend on who's asking though how they take what you're telling them. As others have said though, it's a very common w/d s/x.

From personal experience at ERs (which have been but short of disastrous, euphemistically speaking), there's a few rules I've created for myself.

Firstly, try as hard as you can to gather your emotions and maintain a level of stoicism. Easier said than done but they will often and automatically assume you're 'depressed'. Speaking of which, I would highly recommend not to state you're suicidal. Communicate only when necessary, gets your test results, and proceed accordingly (preferably to the nearest exit). Also, if you're paying for this, refuse the sample meds, they will charge you a hefty price for them. The b**tards.

They releaed me last night and all i can think of doing is going back. I told them ive had thoughts but no plan but thats not true i have had plans like just taking a whole bottle of oills or smoking pot which ive done a few weekends in a row just to see if ut wiuld kill me. Some days i do want to die. Others its like no i want to live! I dont WANT to die but i dont feel safe being left alone with myself or my kids and scared to death of what they would do to me in the mental hospital like i might never see my kidms or get released ever again just become a catitonic psychotic mess.  Feel trapped stuck scared dont know what to do dont have the support most people do. I dont want to die ibwant to get better but dont know how much longer i can go on living like this! Allergic to all the other benzos and the librium has paradoxial effects i actually feel worse after taking it but been on it so long and such a high dose i dont know anyway out!

When I did my taper I borrowed money from my mom and put my kids in childcare full time until I was thru the taper.  Is that a possibility?  Do you have access to a counselor?  I put my kids in a christian childcare and explained my situation to them.  What is your support system and how informed is your family?

Feel trapped stuck scared dont know what to do dont have the support most people do.

 

Post lots here. We will support you.

I have no family moms dead father disowned me my husbands parents live in so cal im not a member of a church its more than intrusive thoughts my bodys psysically weak when i sit up or stand or try walking around i freel shakey and like im going to pass out i dont have the money for a detox facility kaiser only lets you do it outpaitient. The only options my cdrp therapist js giving me is to take phenobarbital or depakote or lithium or doxepin outpaitient. Right now my bodys shaking like a leaf my arms are so weAk i can barely hold myself up my bodys twitching heart is pounding. Only other option given to me is to get a 2nd opinion from another addiction specialjsf at kaiser.  But i barely have the strengh to get out of bed or walk to the bathroom. This last drop was only one milligram bit its knocked me off my ass i dont know how to proceed or get better or stronger lost so much weight been on such high doses of long acting benzo for so long and cant switch cause im allergic to valium and eveything else ive tried. I dont want my kids to grow up without thier mom want my old life back but ive been detereorating and akl my labs come up fine they cant find a reason for my extreme wieght loss. I should have pleaded im so weak i cannot be released do not feel safe being realsed but its a kp ER if they cant find anything wrong they will not admit you. Mo2. Help please i dont know what to do. Mo2

 

So you are being offered an in house, fast detox using phenobarbital or an out patient program.

 

Listen, this is going to suck no matter what, but doing the fast detox will leave you mentally stripped.  The reason for a slow taper is to give your brain a chance to function again while you taper.

 

The nausea or weightloss could be a serotonin problem.  I began to be ill before I stopped the benzo.  Loss of appetite turns into severe nausea.  I was on zofran for awhile.  Pot can cause depression if you use too heavy a substance.  You are prob sick from the benzo plain and simple.

 

This is going to be hard Mommy, but you can do it.  Get the 2nd opinion to buy you time.  Not everyone down doses with Valium and I only down dosed .25mg a week. 

 

Yes, I shock terribly and vomited and felt like a bus drove over me every week. 

 

Get the 2nd opinion, reinstate the original dose and do the outpatient.  Tell them you want slow slow.

 

I am going to pray for favor for you. 

 

Do a search on Librium up in the top right hand box.  There is a small thread I found.  You can do this.

 

I'm so sorry Mommyof2.  If go in the success stories you will find many stories that seemed hopeless but found success.  Your husband will need to educate himself on how to help you.

 

Is there any chance your Inlaws could come for a few weeks?

 

 

Mom...I agree with some of the things posted, Grinch makes a point though, we dont really know where u r at right now as far as attempting goes. The thing is....do you HAVE A PLAN. This is the key question, if you have a plan...it is much more serious of a situation, especially if you have the energy and resources to follow through with it.

 

Many people that suffer from major depression dont have the energy, literally...to commit the act. Sadly, alot of suicides happen right when someone start to feel a little better and gain energy and motivation back.

 

Please, if you are thinking of a plan...get help somewhere...family at least.

Yes, by all means Mommyof2... If you have a plan check yourself in. 

Mommyof2

 

I am sorry you are feeling so badly right now. I know first hand how frightening withdrawal symptoms can be. I spent some time in the hospital as well. Right now I am concerned about how you are feeling.

 

At BenzoBuddies we deeply empathize with those feeling ideation towards suicide.  We do appreciate this as a common side-effect of Benzodiazepene use/withdrawal and while we understand that you may be prone to these feelings & thoughts, the team & members are not qualified health professionals and are ill-equipped to offer you direct support through the Forum.

 

If you are experiencing such feelings or thoughts we can only, in good conscience, forward you to specialist helplines / online resources and we strongly recommend that you contact one of those or your local Emergency Services and/or see a medical professional as soon as possible for the proper care and support that you will need.

 

Take Care,

 

Benzosrcruel

 

 

 

So you are being offered an in house, fast detox using phenobarbital or an out patient program.

 

Listen, this is going to suck no matter what, but doing the fast detox will leave you mentally stripped.  The reason for a slow taper is to give your brain a chance to function again while you taper.

 

The nausea or weightloss could be a serotonin problem.  I began to be ill before I stopped the benzo.  Loss of appetite turns into severe nausea.  I was on zofran for awhile.  Pot can cause depression if you use too heavy a substance.  You are prob sick from the benzo plain and simple.

 

This is going to be hard Mommy, but you can do it.  Get the 2nd opinion to buy you time.  Not everyone down doses with Valium and I only down dosed .25mg a week. 

 

Yes, I shock terribly and vomited and felt like a bus drove over me every week. 

 

Get the 2nd opinion, reinstate the original dose and do the outpatient.  Tell them you want slow slow.

 

I am going to pray for favor for you. 

 

Do a search on Librium up in the top right hand box.  There is a small thread I found.  You can do this.

 

I'm so sorry Mommyof2.  If go in the success stories you will find many stories that seemed hopeless but found success.  Your husband will need to educate himself on how to help you.

 

Is there any chance your Inlaws could come for a few weeks?  No they will not do in paitient detox. Its all out paitient only. Even if I go to the psych ward they would probably not change my meds just watch me. Then release me however many days later it costs them money so they dont like to keep people there long. When I get out if i go in could be an even bigger mess and then what go back in? Cdrp psychiatrist wont even communicate eith the psych ward its all private seperately filed stuff from what i found out at the ER last night they could not access those files. Pretty much once your put in the kaiser psych ward your psychiatrists and psychologists wont touch you they deal with out paitient only so its all in the hands of whoever works at the psych ward and from what Ive heard thats mostly nurses.  No doctors no plans no nothing.  This is where I feel stuck. But yes i have a plan as it were.

I'm pretty sure suicide equals inpatient psych evaluation, at least 72 hours then possibly more based on what they think etc. So it's a matter of how you feel about that....

Dr. Peter Madill

Sebastopol California.

Office Phone 707 823-3312

Email: pmadill@cds1.net

 

This guy is near San Fran and has experience with benzo withdrawal.  Call him on Monday or leave a message now.  Ask what kind of insurance they take.  Maybe they take medical and you can get on that.  Or you can meet with him once to get some guidance.  Call and explain the situation.  You never know what they can do for you.

 

MommyR

Mommyof2:

 

I only just came across your thread and it has shocked me to the core.

 

I am so very sorry that you are feeling so bad.

 

Please heed the words of benzosrcruel:

 

At BenzoBuddies we deeply empathize with those feeling ideation towards suicide.  We do appreciate this as a common side-effect of Benzodiazepene use/withdrawal and while we understand that you may be prone to these feelings & thoughts, the team & members are not qualified health professionals and are ill-equipped to offer you direct support through the Forum.

 

If you are experiencing such feelings or thoughts we can only, in good conscience, forward you to specialist helplines / online resources and we strongly recommend that you contact one of those or your local Emergency Services and/or see a medical professional as soon as possible for the proper care and support that you will need.

(My emphasis.)

 

Please seek help now and tell the absolute truth about how you are feeling. Yes, doctors often seem to do the wrong thing but I truly believe they want to help people get better. They can't help you if you hide things from them. If you are in hospital you will be safe, at least. I'm sure the hospital would have a social worker who would be able to arrange care for your children for the duration of your stay.

 

To seek help is the strong thing to do - not the weak thing.

 

My heart goes out to you.

 

Xana

 

 

Dr. Peter Madill

Sebastopol California.

Office Phone 707 823-3312

Email: pmadill@cds1.net

 

This guy is near San Fran and has experience with benzo withdrawal.  Call him on Monday or leave a message now.  Ask what kind of insurance they take.  Maybe they take medical and you can get on that.  Or you can meet with him once to get some guidance.  Call and explain the situation.  You never know what they can do for you.

 

MommyR

 

This is my Dr, he is very good and knowledgeable regarding Benzo withdrawal. I don't think he accepts Medi- Cal but he may be good for one consultation appointment. He is open Tuesday thru Thursdays only. You can pm me regarding any questions about him.

I wanted to add another addiction specialist in the Bay Area just in case my Dr was too far away. I have not used him but watched a few of his you tube videos and he seems pretty good. His name is Dr Fred Vonstieff, he is located in the Concord area.

One thing I'd ask that doctor is if he knows and could recommend other

docs with a similar approach to benzos.  Maybe he has a list. 

 

- Pogo