This isI about me... yep... I don't care how selfish this makes me

I'm being told I'm being selfish because I just fell into a bottomless pit when my insurance company said they wouldn't cover a needed surgery, Cancer Services said that if I didn't have any insurance, then they would cover it.  I w/d very slowly from .75 K and when I finished in March I was good and I was good until I heard what I'm sure millions of other people have heard, that their needs don't count.  Now I'm told to snap out of it, I can always put it on credit.  I can sell my house... yep, things are a lot worse for so many others... I'm still pissed and I can't shake it, meditation doesn't help, I get distracted w/ negative thoughts, telling myself they're intrusive is not helping, prayer seems dry, distracting myself helps as long as I'm distracted.  Working in the garden just makes me angrier and I find myself clawing at the dirt... I suppose everyone feels this way that's found themselves in the situation.. .doesn't really help to know that others are experiencing the same thing...just makes me feel bad about them as well 

 

Njoy - I don't think that you're being selfish.  Health care systems (at least those in this country) prioritize payrolls and profit over care.  Sounds like you've been screwed by this priority.  I'm sorry.

 

I'm also prone to stewing on and on about negative information, and know exactly what you mean when you talk about getting angrier when you garden (sometimes gardening is not distracting enough).  I can find more peace taking a long bike ride than if I garden.  The exertion tends to drain away my emotion.  My older daughter figured this out (about me) years ago, and whenever I'm "on it", she suggests that we go for a 20+ mile ride.  I don't know if there's something equivalent out there that you could do to defuse your anger/depression.

 

Please don't let your pit be truly bottomless.  While the system has screwed you, you don't need to screw yourself to get even with it.  I think that a lot of us have anxiety or anger or depression issues because we fixate on bad stuff for too long.  Then we turn to drugs (e.g. benzos) to make us feel better, and eventually learn that drugs don't actually fix anything.  In the end, it's our resilience that pulls us through (often with the support/encouragement of others).  I hope that you are able to find that spark and can pull yourself out of your depression.

Thanks for the words of encouragement badsocref.  I'm trying... intrusive thoughts are dissipating somewhat but still feel listless... yeah, I don't bicycle... ride on the back of my sweetie's motorcycle sometimes... I dance and I kayak... those are my real passions.  I didn't dare go out on the water till I got my feelings under control.. I'm a strong swimmer but I just couldn't shake the idea that in the grand scheme of things I just didn't count... then I talked to a friend who was going through the same thing with her insurance... we decided there really isn't much sense paying for something that you just don't get anything out of.  If I hadn't been paying the premiums, I could afford the surgery.  At least this one.... you are right, there is no sense screwing myself to get back at them... I can sell the house.  Its a bitter pill to swallow after working all my life and still no guarantees of health... I guess that's what they figure... why help the old poor because we're going to die anyway... I always thought I could do it gracefully... I managed K w/d pretty gracefully... I thought that made me tough and I've known others who faced either death or its near possibility with such grace but when actually faced with the fact, I pretty much freaked out.  I didn't scream or call anybody names... but, inside, I shook for about three days and I was definitely pissed.  It all became clear as to why they didn't need death panels... you'll just make the decision one your own.  If you don't take every cent you have to buy a policy that covers something... what are you going to do... so many people in worse circumstances than myself.  I laugh about how they lock you up if you want to take your own life, but they have no qualms at all about letting it just happen when they could do something about it...  I think about my dad and family and friends who spent so much and the ins. co. spent so much when all it bought them was a little time and they won't lift a finger to stop something in its tracks.  Sorry, I wax bitter but my training is enough to tell me the anger is better than the depression... I am better today... again... thanks for taking the time to respond... I was really hurting. 

Sorry, I wax bitter but my training is enough to tell me the anger is better than the depression...

 

I completely agree with this.  Feel free to rant anytime.  I hope you are having a better day today.

badsocref:  Yes, I'm getting myself back together... so hard to tell when its something that's happening that makes me feel so desperate or residual sx from w/d.  I've talked to an outfit that may be able to help with a reduced cost for the surgery I need.  Still, will likely have to sell my house; but I keep telling myself so many are in far more dire straits.  I've never been very stoic, but I can usually hold on long enough to figure something out... I learned along time ago that throwing temper tantrums usually caused more mess than help... I still want to scream... I remember a link on fb once that said... "I meditate, I burn candles, I drink green tea, and sometimes I still want to smack some people."  At least I can joke about things again and I'm trying to remember that i have a lot to be grateful for.  I'm not dead yet and there's still time to figure it all out.  Not so, for some.  What is persisting is this listlessness.  I just can't get motivated to really pursue options.  I still feel quite dazed. 

Njoy

 

Yup-health care for profit is just evil.  Nope, you are not alone. 

 

You are still early off-this news was super stressful...and what you're feeling is magnified by benzo withdrawal.  Time passing may present a solution.  We don't know what the future brings.  Nothing is permanent.  Everything changes.

 

All we can do is live one day at a time.  Try to find joy in small things...if only just one tiny thing in your day.

 

Best wishes to you.

Yep!  Thanks, Cookienose

I appreciate the encouragement and I am getting myself a little more under control.  Took a few days.