Jump to content

1 year after tapering - finally free. Some thoughts and advice.


[Ei...]

Recommended Posts

Hey folks. I wanted to celebrate being off of benzos but also wanted to offer some thoughts and advice for people still tapering and suffering.  Not sure exactly which forum to put it in so I'm just doing it here in the celebrations.

 

Exactly one year ago today, I started my actual taper.  Prior to that I'd gone up and down in dosage on Ativan and had really set myself up for a rough ride (kindling and all that).  June 24th, 2013, I started my Valium taper from 15 mg.  I went too fast and ended up in the hospital a few times, and had to take a disability leave from work to focus on the process.  I couldn't leave my couch for days at a time and didn't leave my apartment for so long (over a month) that my car battery died from not being run/charged.  To say we suffer from benzos is putting it very lightly, of course, but here we are.  Prior to being on a benzo, I didn't have anxiety and certainly hadn't ever suffered from a panic attack, but during withdrawals, my heart would race constantly to the point I thought I was going to have a heart attack, brutal anxiety ruled my every waking moment, panic attacks became a common thing, as well as tremors, my ears ringing, cog-fog so bad I couldn't remember my number, address, my age at one point, and  depersonalization/derealization were also commonplace, etc.

 

Last week I took my last dose.  I'd been drawing my reductions out but have honestly felt pretty good for a couple of months now.  I'm not 100% but I'm close enough that it's fine and bearable, and I know it's just a matter of time, now.  Taking my last pill was a formality as my dosage was so low (0.5 mg) that I didn't think it was doing much anyway.

 

 

I promised myself that if I made it I'd  take some time to write down some of the things that really turned this around for me, as I was very stagnant in my progress for a long time and felt like I wasn't going to get any better.  Certain things did really help, though  They helped me immeasurably and they may help you, too.  As always, none of this is medical advice - talk to your doctor whenever you need to.  That's what they're there for.

 

 

Some tips and advice based on my journey:

 

1) Understand the difference between an addiction and dependence.  To me, addictions are behavioral - we feel a certain way so we do a certain thing.  Dependence, of course, is our body's reliance upon something to function normally.  All of us become dependent on benzos (very quickly).  The addiction is the thought process of, "I feel <X>, so I should do/take <Y>."  I think if you're here seeking help, you've probably already broken a conscious addiction to the medication and are simply still dependent.  Always keep that in mind - it's an important first step that we often ignore. :)

 

2) Don't replace the benzo addiction with another one.  When I first started tapering, I felt so horrible that I was willing to do or try anything to feel better.  I smoked marijuana for the first time in my life, I took a suite of vitamins and herbs, iced my head constantly, etc. - nothing was too crazy if I thought it might help.  But the reality is, none of it did.  I don't think anything but time can actually heal this, and it's important not to replace one addiction for another.  If your reflex is still, "I feel like crap from benzo withdrawals, so I should take <Y>," even if Y is a vitamin or supplement, you're still in the wrong mindset.  You still think consumption of things is what you need when the reality is, you probably don't. 

 

Of course, go to your doctor and get a physical to make sure you're actually good to go, but if they say you're healthy as they did with me, then relax.  Don't pound supplements and all that other junk - at best, you're probably doing nothing for yourself and at worse, you're putting strain on your kidneys and such.  As soon as I cut all of that out, I noticed I felt better and just stuck with waiting and trying to relax.  I'll go into this more later, but the more we constantly think about and try to fix this situation, the harder it is to just let time flow.

 

3) Take a vacation from WebMD or other similar information (even this site, after you've read it all).  I say that because after you've read Ashton's manual and after you've read the posts here and after you've read everything there is about benzos or side effects or symptoms, it should become clear that the withdrawals are simply terrible, but that you're fine.  Stop stressing yourself out by re-reading everything you already know.  Being addicted to benzos is, with any luck, the worst thing any of us will go through.  Time is the only thing that can truly fix it, so give your mind and your emotions a rest and don't keep reading this stuff after you've gotten a grasp of your situation :)

 

4) Do some light exercise.  I know people will say this and I know as well as anyone that the last thing you want to do while withdrawing is exercise, but let me be clear: light exercise means as little as just going for a walk.  That's what I did.  And at first, I could only walk for 5 minutes before I'd get too dizzy, and that dizziness would launch me into a panic attack that I was going to pass out or fall down and hurt myself, so I'd have to retreat to my apartment.  But 5 minutes became 10 minutes, 10 became 15 and so on until I could do multiple 30-45 minute walks per day without any problem. 

 

And more than anything else I did, going for walks made me feel a significant improvement.  At first it was just mental, that I could finally leave my apartment and not feel so physically disabled, but in a short amount of time the physical rewards of exercising also became apparent.  I just flat-out felt better, and better.  Now I do cardio and lift weights and will keep pushing until I feel 100% normal again.  It's not far off, now.

 

5) GO. SLOW.  The actual goal we have to focus on is feeling normal, not getting off of benzos.  Yes, getting off of benzos needs to happen but the real goal is to get our lives back and feel healthy again.  Getting off of benzos is a part of that, but you can also feel healthy and normal while still taking them as your dosage gets low.  That's where I ended up and after going too fast and really bottoming-out a few times, I took my doctor's advice and just slowed down.  It was still really rough but it was bearable and, eventually, I got to where I am.  Go slow, focus on just being patient and relaxing.  Again, time is all that can fix this as our body re-balances its chemistry.

 

6) Forgive yourself.  If you're anything like me, you feel so weak and so ashamed.  I'd never even smoked marijuana before this, so to be hooked on a powerful drug made me feel like a junkie.  But, you're not.  You're here, you're doing what you need to do - you're dependent, not addicted.  Again, keep that in mind and forgive yourself.  I've come out the other side honestly grateful to have suffered and been reborn.  When I couldn't do anything, I realized how little I'd been doing with myself.  I wasn't living, and now, still at a young age, I feel like I have the perspective that's often only afforded to the elderly who look back on their lives and wish they'd done more.  I have that now and imagine most of you will, too. 

 

7) Lastly, stop thinking about tapering.  Stop thinking about the drug entirely. As I've said a few times, time is all that can really heal this so stop worrying about how much you are taking, how fast you are or aren't going.  Just make cuts, focus on feeling normal, and when you feel alright, do another cut.  Slow and steady.  The sooner you stop worrying about the specifics of how much you take or how fast you're going, the sooner it'll just happen.  Focus on living your life.  Go for walks, go see people, go see a movie - anything you can tolerate, just do it.  Try to keep your focus on external stimuli like the cars going by, the wind in the trees, etc.  The more you focus externally and the more you ignore the fact that you're on this journey, the easier it is to stop thinking about your symptoms and just let time flow.

 

 

Hopefully something in here will help someone.  I've been able to divert a few friends when they've been given this medication by giving them my story and plan to help anyone, anywhere, anytime for the rest of my life avoid this nightmare.

 

I wish all of you the best as you work your way down to 0 and would be happy to talk here or in PM or even by email or text to anyone that wants to talk.  I wouldn't wish this upon anybody so just know that I'm here for anyone who needs it.  I look forward to linking back to this post in 2 months when I post in the success story forum :)

 

With love,

 

-Eidolon

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Good advice about staying off the internet and even this site.  I keep reading the same info over and over again.  I'm not sure why as the info doesn't change.  I need to let go and let time pass.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Good advice about staying off the internet and even this site.  I keep reading the same info over and over again.  I'm not sure why as the info doesn't change.  I need to let go and let time pass.

 

I think it's pretty natural for us to want to stay active out of desperation but I found that the more I did that, the more focused I was on my suffering and the process etc.  Best to find movies you like, video games, etc. to keep your mind thoroughly distracted. and stop focusing so much on the suffering. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

[0c...]
congrats, and thanks for sharing the post.  :thumbsup:  I think #5 in particular is a really good point that many of us often miss.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

congrats, and thanks for sharing the post.  :thumbsup:  I think #5 in particular is a really good point that many of us often miss.

 

Thank you :)

 

And yeah, it's almost like quicksand.  The more we actively try to force ourselves to get better, the more energy we're spending dwelling on this (read: really stressing ourselves out).  It's counter-productive.  We have to just let it go and ride this out.  Peace actually came pretty easily for me when I stopped actively working so hard to get better.  The body wants to get better.  Seems to me the best thing we can do is just stay out of its way, rest and nurture it and let it do its thing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

3) Take a vacation from WebMD or other similar information (even this site, after you've read it all).  I say that because after you've read Ashton's manual and after you've read the posts here and after you've read everything there is about benzos or side effects or symptoms, it should become clear that the withdrawals are simply terrible, but that you're fine.  Stop stressing yourself out by re-reading everything you already know.  Being addicted to benzos is, with any luck, the worst thing any of us will go through.  Time is the only thing that can truly fix it, so give your mind and your emotions a rest and don't keep reading this stuff after you've gotten a grasp of your situation :)

 

4) Do some light exercise.  I know people will say this and I know as well as anyone that the last thing you want to do while withdrawing is exercise, but let me be clear: light exercise means as little as just going for a walk.  That's what I did.  And at first, I could only walk for 5 minutes before I'd get too dizzy, and that dizziness would launch me into a panic attack that I was going to pass out or fall down and hurt myself, so I'd have to retreat to my apartment.  But 5 minutes became 10 minutes, 10 became 15 and so on until I could do multiple 30-45 minute walks per day without any problem. 

 

And more than anything else I did, going for walks made me feel a significant improvement.  At first it was just mental, that I could finally leave my apartment and not feel so physically disabled, but in a short amount of time the physical rewards of exercising also became apparent.  I just flat-out felt better, and better.  Now I do cardio and lift weights and will keep pushing until I feel 100% normal again.  It's not far off, now.

 

So true...I am on the web toooooooooooooooooo much! Also thank you about the light exercise. I do balance exercises, some yoga and tai chi. I have not walked outside for a few minutes in a couple of weeks due to some anxiety, balance and bad reaction to an herbal supplement (I will not do that herbal concoction again)!

 

I will see how I feel later and take my son out in the stroller.

 

Congrats on jumping and coming back to share this valuable information!  :smitten:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

3) Take a vacation from WebMD or other similar information (even this site, after you've read it all).  I say that because after you've read Ashton's manual and after you've read the posts here and after you've read everything there is about benzos or side effects or symptoms, it should become clear that the withdrawals are simply terrible, but that you're fine.  Stop stressing yourself out by re-reading everything you already know.  Being addicted to benzos is, with any luck, the worst thing any of us will go through.  Time is the only thing that can truly fix it, so give your mind and your emotions a rest and don't keep reading this stuff after you've gotten a grasp of your situation :)

 

4) Do some light exercise.  I know people will say this and I know as well as anyone that the last thing you want to do while withdrawing is exercise, but let me be clear: light exercise means as little as just going for a walk.  That's what I did.  And at first, I could only walk for 5 minutes before I'd get too dizzy, and that dizziness would launch me into a panic attack that I was going to pass out or fall down and hurt myself, so I'd have to retreat to my apartment.  But 5 minutes became 10 minutes, 10 became 15 and so on until I could do multiple 30-45 minute walks per day without any problem. 

 

And more than anything else I did, going for walks made me feel a significant improvement.  At first it was just mental, that I could finally leave my apartment and not feel so physically disabled, but in a short amount of time the physical rewards of exercising also became apparent.  I just flat-out felt better, and better.  Now I do cardio and lift weights and will keep pushing until I feel 100% normal again.  It's not far off, now.

 

So true...I am on the web toooooooooooooooooo much! Also thank you about the light exercise. I do balance exercises, some yoga and tai chi. I have not walked outside for a few minutes in a couple of weeks due to some anxiety, balance and bad reaction to an herbal supplement (I will not do that herbal concoction again)!

 

I will see how I feel later and take my son out in the stroller.

 

Congrats on jumping and coming back to share this valuable information!  :smitten:

 

Withdrawal symptoms have kicked up again after jumping, just as I expected (always 1 week after a reduction, like clockwork).  Went for a walk today, felt noticeably better at least for the afternoon.  Starting to feel dizzy and weak again but that's exactly how it's gone every time.  Will take it easy tonight and walk tomorrow, etc.  No matter how bad you feel, push yourself to do a little something physical.  You will feel a lot better :)

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Very excellent advise.  I wish for everyone on BB to read your post, one that everyone can read over and over again, obsessively. (See #3 -  :sick:)  Very excellent!!! 
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Very excellent advise.  I wish for everyone on BB to read your post, one that everyone can read over and over again, obsessively. (See #3 -  :sick:)  Very excellent!!!

 

Haha.  Well, that was the point.  I know as well as anyone what it's like to be lost in this nightmare.  Wanted to give people a light to follow, if nothing else. ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My first post to a benzo support site but I had to reinforce one point.  In 2006, a CT withdrawal from 2mg of klonopin went horrible and was abandoned after 21 days.  In 2014, a quick taper over 6 weeks was made sanely possible with one very important contribution - daily strenuous exercise.  Everyone talks about it.  Everyone agrees it's good.  Even your intuition and common sense speak to it.  Wow, I mean wow!  Doing regular exercise while tapering can be tough I know.  I had to force myself every day.  It's a small investment that pays big dividends during taper.  It made ALL the difference.  I'm not here to talk the fine details of neuroscience as much as I am to hawk the miraculous difference the exercise made my taper.  I even discontinued moderate alcohol and nicotine use at the same time.  It was the exercise folks.  It was the exercise.  :thumbsup:
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My first post to a benzo support site but I had to reinforce one point.  In 2006, a CT withdrawal from 2mg of klonopin went horrible and was abandoned after 21 days.  In 2014, a quick taper over 6 weeks was made sanely possible with one very important contribution - daily strenuous exercise.  Everyone talks about it.  Everyone agrees it's good.  Even your intuition and common sense speak to it.  Wow, I mean wow!  Doing regular exercise while tapering can be tough I know.  I had to force myself every day.  It's a small investment that pays big dividends during taper.  It made ALL the difference.  I'm not here to talk the fine details of neuroscience as much as I am to hawk the miraculous difference the exercise made my taper.  I even discontinued moderate alcohol and nicotine use at the same time.  It was the exercise folks.  It was the exercise.  :thumbsup:

 

Yep, I agree completely.  This will be my third week benzo-free and I've been feeling ok - maybe 80% of what I'd consider "normal."  Yesterday I went to an actual gym and did intense cardio for 20 minutes, which was the first real exercise I've done since I started my taper a year ago (well, I've been lifting weights but I mean real cardio exercise over a longer period - I've just been doing walks up until now).

 

And let me tell you: I slept amazingly last night.  First night I've gotten good sleep since back when I was on higher doses of benzos and they helped me sleep.  I slept 10 beautiful hours and had a lot of dreams, most of which I can still remember hours later.  Very vivid, and were mostly relaxing - a few weird ones but hey, that's dreams ;)

 

I can't imagine that's due to anything other than having a good workout and kicking up all of those endorphins etc.  I felt great all day, the best I've felt in a long time and slept well.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Dear eldolon82

Thank you for all your kind advice and support.  I am off one year and in a bad wave of acid indigestion, heart palps,chest burning, shakes, scared and crying.  I was doing so much better just two weeks ago so this has hit me hard.  I am walking every day.  I eat healthy.  I wish I could just acknowledge and ignore sxs, but they just weigh me down.  I know I am making it so much harder on me.  I smiled when you said take a break from web md...how did you know?  And learning to try to not force healing...great message.  So hard to distract. 

 

Thank you again for your sound advice,you are another one of those kind hearted people here on BB that I so appreciate.  Praying for your continued healing. 

:smitten:  Galea

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear eldolon82

Thank you for all your kind advice and support.  I am off one year and in a bad wave of acid indigestion, heart palps,chest burning, shakes, scared and crying.  I was doing so much better just two weeks ago so this has hit me hard.  I am walking every day.  I eat healthy.  I wish I could just acknowledge and ignore sxs, but they just weigh me down.  I know I am making it so much harder on me.  I smiled when you said take a break from web md...how did you know?  And learning to try to not force healing...great message.  So hard to distract. 

 

Thank you again for your sound advice,you are another one of those kind hearted people here on BB that I so appreciate.  Praying for your continued healing. 

:smitten:  Galea

 

Thanks for the love, Galea :)

 

My post acute withdrawal symptoms aren't too bad - bearable, at any rate, but still annoying and depressing at times.  Going to use some ginkgo, as per this thread in the alternative therapies and supplements board: http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=81617.0

 

 

I did partake in the ginkgo experiment while tapering and had very negative results from it (twice).  My theory, as I am no doctor, of course, is that it does actually affect GABA and glutamate but when we're already GABA starved during withdrawal, it's a bad idea.  Now that I'm over a month off of benzos I'm going to hope for the same success many members have had in erasing their PAWS with ginkgo.  Will post in that thread with updates. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Eidolon I did a lot of personal research with supplements and spent hundreds trying different ones to get the i/d w/d to stop.

The best ones worked temporarily but would trigger withdrawal. All effected the GABA receptors. I found out through one post that they were all antagonists or they competed with Benzos for GABA and Benzos are very jealous and will make you pay from seeing another supplement while dating her ( Kathy Bates style )

L-Theanine worked the best but really brought on withdrawals...might want to try it now that you are off the Demon drugs and dont have to compete with Benzos.

Ginko, 5htp, l-tryptophan and especially pregnenalone have this effect. I noticed certain foods did this as well.

 

Question: you mentioned that when you cut...a week later you would go into w/d. I did my first cut about 10 days ago and to the day i got hit with withdrawals. I am in my 5th day of w/d....how long would yours last for?

 

Thanks!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Eidolon I did a lot of personal research with supplements and spent hundreds trying different ones to get the i/d w/d to stop.

The best ones worked temporarily but would trigger withdrawal. All effected the GABA receptors. I found out through one post that they were all antagonists or they competed with Benzos for GABA and Benzos are very jealous and will make you pay from seeing another supplement while dating her ( Kathy Bates style )

L-Theanine worked the best but really brought on withdrawals...might want to try it now that you are off the Demon drugs and dont have to compete with Benzos.

Ginko, 5htp, l-tryptophan and especially pregnenalone have this effect. I noticed certain foods did this as well.

 

Question: you mentioned that when you cut...a week later you would go into w/d. I did my first cut about 10 days ago and to the day i got hit with withdrawals. I am in my 5th day of w/d....how long would yours last for?

 

Thanks!

 

I'm just using ginkgo for now and feel enough with that, so we'll see.  Don't like taking a bunch of stuff :)

 

To answer your question, my withdrawals would kick in about 7 days later and usually last at least a full week, sometimes 1.5 weeks to 2 weeks.  That's why i finally started doing cuts every 2 weeks adn eventually 3 weeks because I wanted to let my body FULLY recover instead of doing another cut when I was still feeling withdrawals like I had for the majority of my taper.  I went into it with this mindset of, "I need to get off as fast as possible" and I really brute forced it and suffered.  Later in the taper I realized that's just stupid and would let my body catch up, then cut, let my body catch up, then cut.

 

Sorry to hear you're having bad withdrawals, at any rate, but 5 days seems pretty normal to me since, like I said, mine were 7-10 days usually.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Eidolon

 

Yeah i think the supplements only get ya when still on Benzos.

 

Its really weird and still interesting how the body can tell it is missing that little bit of Benzos days later.

 

I do think it is important to get some recovery time to let the body heal for the next round...like a boxer i guess...lol

 

I felt ok yesterday until last night when the wife and i had a long heated discussion before bed. She has it in her mind how i should do this and has no idea. Was up most of the night and took an extra dose...didnt really help. Finally got some sleep but kept waking up...drenched from head to toe...weird. Feeling a bit worn out this morning but am keeping to regular schedule again.

 

Thanks for sharing!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you SO much for everything you wrote. It's so noble I don't have words to express it. I'll try to post something so nice after I'm through this. Lots of love  :smitten:
Link to comment
Share on other sites

×
×
  • Create New...