Torment of Tolerance

I thought it might be helpful to start a thread for many of us to be able to process through some of our misadventures while living under the black cloud of tolerance.  Those of you who were lucky enough not to experience the tragedy of tolerance may be able to find comfort in knowing things could have been a lot worse.  Personally I spent probably 10 years in this hellish place, hard to tell as it crept up on me like a thief in the night.  Looking forward to see how this thread unfolds. ❤️

This is definitely a good thread to have and I pray to the good Lord above that I do not have it... just thinking about the w/d symptoms that you have to go through when tapering, and then realizing you can't do anything about it, you just have to cut... you don't know if you should cut again because you never feel better... sometimes you cut and you feel worse and you just don't know what to do.

 

Freaking sucks... I've felt I've been in tolerance for a long time... and I probably am... when I feel somewhat good I just have a skewed view of what 'normal' and 'good' is because I've felt out of my mind for so long.

 

Horrible place to be at. The only thing I would probably say is that even in tolerance, at least for me, you have to really watch your cuts and do them slowly... unless you've tried larger cuts and have been successful.

 

The very pits of hell.

I was so bad into tolerance and had been in it for so long it would have required a lethal up dose to bring me relief.  My cutting was only done to prevent seizures.  It was tedious because I could not grasp mathematics...I had to do it visually, and when I hit 1/8 of a .5mg K it was like splitting a hair with shaking hands.  I did notice a few times after holding a dose for 8-10 days I'd hit a flat spot, then I would do the next cut.  Towards the end I was frantically cutting quicker.  All the while I was expecting to have a seizure at any minute.  I was afraid of getting into a bath tub thinking I would seize and drown.  No way could I drive.  Living under the pressure of constant fear is a fate no one should ever have to live with.  Looking back I can say my fear of seizures was probably the only realistic fear I had, the rest of the fears, and there were too many to recall, were 24/7.

Where are you now in comparison?

 

I'm sorry you had to go through that. It's unbelievable. Just un-freaking real... it's good (well good should never be used with these drugs) to know that I'm not alone in this hell and that others are out there, but still.

 

 

Well here we are. Good idea P-

Im assuming i have been in twd. Im always wishing someone could say yes, thats why u r so bad.

You guys no my story but for those that may come look and post.

 

13-14 months ago I got very very lethargic and my depression went up 10 fold.

I feel so sick always and no energy or motivation to do anything. Taking a shower is just so hard.

 

I was not like this 15 months ago. I have been bed ridden 13-15 hrs a day for a year now.

I NEVER feel good. Im making smaller cuts then i did in the beginning, but they are very hard on me now.

 

I made a 3 percent cut last night and feel like crap. No sleep and Ive been sleeping 5 hrs a night for awhile now.

The sleep doesnt make a diff on how i feel though. Just sick and so tired all the time.

 

Lets see who comes posts.

Once I jumped my fear factor really plunged.  Then the physical symptoms really kicked in.  I have the cog fog but the "hole in my head" has resolved.  In the past couple of week I am gaining more hope and there was a 20 minute period of time about a week ago where I was awash with a true feeling of well being.  Very anxious to see how I come out of this.  I am finally able to somewhat laugh about the irony of this experience but my sense of humor is rather skewed. 

I seem to belong in this thread.  Not sure if I'm paradoxical or what is wrong but certainly never feel good, ever.    I have a lot of nerve/neuropathy pain and indigestion type issues..      Bad skin pain.    Cutting makes it a lot worse.  My signature is not up to date.    Don't feel up to fixing it today.      Made a big cut last nite which I probably should not have done..  Might go back up tonight and then make .25 instead of .5 cut.    I actually did some house work yesterday and felt a bit better so thought I better cut again.    Would put me on 7mgs but think I will have to go back to 7.5..    Then when husband is home from overseas I will try 7.25mgs - but all the while I keep thinking I have to hurry this up because I feel so bad.    Is that the best thing to do.... white knuckle it down?    I am not sure I am capable of it.    But cutting is so so difficult.      I made myself drive yesterday.  Wow I did it but I'm like a little old lady.  Who am I kidding I am a little old lady - in WD 61 yrs old feels very ancient indeed.   

 

Can anyone tell me what happens if the cut is too much - what happens? ...  I cannot go back up because I'm really suffering on valium...  am afraid my GI doc will tell me to c/t.   

 

I have not felt that there is anywhere for me to post as I'm such a failure at C/o and tapering... Don't know why I'm so unwell on valium but could be tolerance w/d or paradoxical....  not sure if they are the same thng...

 

good thread...  I think there are many like us but we tend to shut up as we feel there aren't enough BB who are experiencing such a difficult time.

 

 

Well Im assuming if the cut is too big your sxs will increase in severity. Dpier made a big cut last time and he is on the V.

He was OK for a few days but then got very bad with sxs. He will come back and describe once he sees your post.

 

I just forced myself to walk around the block cuz  BB pushed me to do it. God Bless Him.

I need to do the same.  I would have preferred to cut .25 but didn't know how to do it.  Need husband around to titrate for me.    How was the walk?  Was is as bad as you thought it would be?      I'm really uncomfortable in bed so that's not an option for me.  I have severe butt pain from benzo w/d.   

One good thing I can attribute to tolerance is that (after becoming enlightened by the information on this forum) when I look back at those dark days I feel they were a form of boot camp for this healing process.  I was forever double and triple checking everything I did as my brain went into a slow meltdown.  It is such a relief now to be doing "nothing".  Ha!  When one does nothing, there is nothing to double and triple check!  Gotta celebrate the positive where you find it, I guess.

The walk was OK, I hate letting people see me though as Im a bit agrophobic now. Im tired and only walked around the damn block. My butt hurts also, thats from sitting on it all the time!

P, sorry if I have asked this before, but how did you know you were in tolerance?

Groove, you very well could have hit tolerance.  I am surprised there are people who didn't or haven't.  It is the nature of the beast.  You should be given a medal for the longest suffering taper....it takes great tenacity and strength of character to stick with this when one feels as you have.  I just couldn't do it, my jump was almost an act of suicide.

I know there are others that are bedridden, depression and lethargic. Im just to extreme. P have you had any depression?

Actually appreciate others chiming in on the depression if u have...

Groove, have you tried going for a walk at night?  I find I feel less vulnerable under cover of darkness.  Although I never knew much about tolerance coming from the medical mind, set after reading info here it became apparent.  I had been suffering extreme PTSD like symptoms along with every other symptom of withdrawal for years....I was so paranoid of being labeled as a drug seeker I never asked for an increase in Xanax.  My complaints of the problems I was experiencing were addressed by multiple med changes looking for the perfect antidepressant.  Then I blamed the antidepressants for my symptoms.  It was just such a cloak and dagger mystery with my finally accepting myself as being a mentally ill basket case.  I kept my Xanax at 1mg for well over a decade.  Literally I was waking up every day in withdrawals and going to work and coming home to my bed just counting the minutes until I could take my next dose blaming my job for everything.  So glad to be in the light now and to know what the hell happened to me.

God the AD gauntlet. Been there, over 10-13 ADs including crap for ADHD, narcolepsy to try to keep me out of bed. Those were just so stimulating it made my anxiety go through the roof. Provigil, Nuvigil...yuck.

I don't think I was depressed at all, but if I was I didn't have time to notice, I was frantically trying to outrun the fear and panic that was rapidly gaining on me.  If I hadn't been so panicked I may have fallen into apathy.  There was so much going on in my life, I had bought a fixer-upper and was fighting it as water pipes exploded, had several family deaths, was working in a mental institution and had switched to night shift, I had pressure coming at me from all directions.  Just didn't have time to think about being depressed.  I always told my pdoc I felt like I was stuck on a treadmill trying to outrun a tsunami.  His initial diagnosis was "adjustment disorder" (whatever the hell that is supposed to mean) and every time I would get to my wits end (like every time someone else died) he would ratchet up my dx to depression or increased anxiety.  I had a few PTSD's in there too.  A psyche Dx is usually based on symptoms present at time of assessment.  A person could literally go to five different doctors on five different days and receive five different Dx' and five different medications.  It is not a very good science.  Problem is patients tend to accept a Dx as a permanent condition when actually they should be considered transitory.  Just my drift, but that's how I have come to see this mess.

I hear ya on the losses. I have lost nearly ALL of my family in the last 5 years.

My Mom 5 yrs ago. Dad 4 years ago. 2 young brothers 1 yr ago, and they were very young. Both from alcohol and liver damage.

Damn Groove, my heart goes out to you.  With the gamut of meds you were hit with I think your depression and lethargy are totally justified.  However, it may have been a blessing to experience all those death tragedies while numb.  I know it softened the emotional blows for me but I still feel guilty not to have been able to cry or experience the true grieving proces.  I just kept hauling out the Shindler's list CD and listened to that trying to weigh my loss against the deaths of 6 million Jews.  I went from being a highly creative happy individual to a brooding neurotic obsessive.  I see a bit of my creativity returning but all I can really tolerate is what I call photo morphing with my iPhone.  I redid a few pieces of furniture but after exhausting myself trying to bring my house back from the dead I didn't get any pleasure from projects...I would start something, burn out and then torture myself over unfinished projects.  My perfectionism became the bane of my existence....I bought and squirreled away materials but never had the motivation to really get anything done.  I imploded under my own self imposed pressure.  I still find myself taking on the blame, just now understanding the role GABA had in all this...then I blame myself for not knowing sooner, hell, I was a nurse for shitsake!

Yes the projects that never get finished. Ive given up on projects. Im lucky if can just stay out of bed these days.

Sooo many things need to be done around the house. Its a MIRACLE if i can mow the lawn.

Im hitting my time of the night i poop out. The damn gabapentin makes me so tired, even just a small dose. I want to go lay down but worried i wont sleep later if i do....ugh.

I got that feeling of being sucked down by gravity into a coma a lot at 02:30 working night shift.  I was always irritated because it never hit me when I was in bed.  It was like my eyes just got so heavy, I could feel myself going down, and a lot of the time I was monitoring a patient on suicide watch, which was really not good.  It was like what I would call narcolepsy.  I would be in the middle of making a chart note, once I actually wrote across the page on the diagonal "Patient in attitude of sheep...."  I would nod off and my book or chart would fall to the floor and scare the hell out of me.  I kept telling my co-workers I thought something was wrong with me but they said it was common to working night shift.  I didn't think so, it was more like being hooked up to an IV of sodium pentathol!  I could not resist it.