The Long Hold Support Group

Hey Meems, I’m so sorry about Maggie, that is the worst. When I lost my 18 year old girl, it affected me so much. That, and some other really hard things in my life were the beginning of my Benzo journey. I still tear up sometimes thinking about her and I lost her 6 years ago. Now my Olive girl is gone.. all to say that I understand your pain. She was part of your family. Now she is your guardian forever. 💗 Take all the time you need to grieve for her.

 

Thank you 🙏 Olive Kitty.  Yes, it’s sorrow I have never felt before.  I miss her so much. Tears are falling as I type this.  😿😿😿

I will grieve as long as I need to.  And hold as long as I need to even though I was doing a very slow micro taper.  I’m not risking ANY changes right now. 

LY

Meems

Hey Meems,

I'm so sorry about Maggie. It sucks so bad to lose a fur baby  :'( I hope you find comfort in all the wonderful memories you have of her.

Sending you lots of love and hugs my friend.

Trishy,❤️

 

Mary we love and miss you around here, now get your buns back here! Love you girlfriend.[move][/move]

Hey Meems,

I'm so sorry about Maggie. It sucks so bad to lose a fur baby  :'( I hope you find comfort in all the wonderful memories you have of her.

Sending you lots of love and hugs my friend.

Trishy,❤️

 

Oh thank you so much Trishy.

I send you a big hug 🤗

Meems

Suzy don't worry, I always find a way to understand your posts 

 

Trishy I can understand your concern, because of course taking care of a grandchild means that you're more exposed to contagion. The risk wouldn't be for him but for you. I don't know, this is a very personal decision but it's something to be considered. Maybe until there's a vaccine or an effective treatment or until the virus is not so rampant, your family could find a different daycare solution?

 

Here the virus is spreading very quickly again as our governments, local and national, are useless and we have ten times less trackers than we need. So according to epidemiologists we're going to be in another huge wave by october. I hope they're wrong but I'm preparing for it mentally.

 

I think when things are especially difficult it's a good idea to hold, also because you never know if they can get even more difficult. I'm also holding because I have too many symptoms to face all the stuff that's going wrong in my life and all the things that could go even worse in the short term. There will be a better time to cut for me. Not now.

Suzy I was wondering if you're going to be able to go to the physio for that neck pain. My brain fog is very very bad lately and so is my stress tolerance. I think at this rate I'm not cutting until ten years from now, when I've got my daughter through college. I really  feel bad on the drug, like it's turned on me after all the changes, however it'll probably get worse by cutting and I definitely can't afford to be any worse than this with everything that's coming up in the following months and maybe years.

hi Jwl, do you feel good on 1mg of valium? have you experienced tolerance?

how long did it take you to taper 20mg to 1mg of valium?

 

Hi Jasmine. Yes I feel really good except I'm kinda in a wave because of my tooth infection. I'm not sure what you mean by tolerance. If you mean did I ever reach a point where it was not having any beneficial effects then probably yes. If you mean did i ever experience tolerance WD then no. Every time I held I felt better. I've been tapering on and off for about 5 years. That's including many holds. But I'm probably an exception.  Many people have tapered much quicker with very little symptoms. Don't get discouraged that you've reinstated at 9 mgs. That's really not very much. I think your main priority should be to get stable.

 

hi Jwl, have you tried to get off before?

5 years taper is not a long time . the last time it took me 3 years to taper 4mg. and it was already really hard.

did you have anxiety and adrenaline surge during your taper?

 

Before I found BB, I tried to CT and experienced all the sxs you've described. It took me almost a year to get stable so I guess you could say I've been tapering for 6 years. Unfortunately, for those of us who've CT or tapered too fast, our CNS got screwed up and we've become hypersensitive. I've found the only solution is to take it nice and slow.

 

Don't give in to the fear that you have get rid of the "poison" ASAP.

 

Keep posting on this thread. I for one am thankful it's here.

 

 

JWL, why are you on gabapentin and naltrexon?

 

My idiot doctor put me on gabapentin, valium, and vicoden for my fibromyalgia (nerve pain). I've only recently been on LDN. It's for pain relief also.

 

As far as daily micro tapering, I think it's the way to go. You make tiny, almost infinitesimal, cuts every day so your body can gradually adjust. If if feel you're going too fast, you just hold at that dosage. I do the liquid Diazepam taper. It's simple and accurate. All you need is a 1 ml syringe and a 100 ml graduated cylinder.

 

Jasmine, when I was in you're shoes, I had those same thoughts: Am I damaged forever? Will I ever heal? Just remember WD amplifies our worries and fears. Everything gets blown out of proportion. You will heal and there's no reason your taper can't go smoothly.

 

Hi JWL,

did you have anxiety when you reduced?

and did the night/evening adrenaline surge settle down when you hold?

anyone on valium long term and felt stable and didn't feel the need to increase their dose over time to calm their anxiety? i don't care if it takes me 10 years to get off it.

 

i am stabilizing right night, i still have good day and bad days. the depression was horrible and i had to go back on lexapro 1.5mg and it is helping.

it has been exactly a week. almost all my symptoms are gone except the middle of the night panic and those are horrible. i have images of the holocaust, dead animals, terrible things coming in mind.

please tell me that if you hold long enough, they go away.

i am so grateful for this thread.

It is just the worst! 

 

Yes, mark us down in red pen. 

Hi Jasmine. Usually, when people hold for a long time without making changes in their meds they start to feel better. A "long time" can vary a lot from one person to the other. The important thing is to not be making changes like quitting meds or adding more meds, although of course there's a debate always on whether other meds can help or not, but what I mean is not going into the spiral of trying a different med every month or every six months to see if this one "does work". That would make things worse.

 

About the scary visions, has this started after you reinstated lexapro or was it already there before reinstating lexapro?

the scary visions have always been there. they are part of the night time adrenaline surge that i had after the setback and the rescue dose which was 3 months ago, i held and held but the symptoms got worse, until full blown akatisia.

i have re-instated lexapro in the same time as valium. the depression from valium was too overwhelming.

 

Jasmine I have no idea when the scary visions could go away, but it's a great sign that you are seeing improvement. I would go to the living room at night, "sleep" on the couch and have the TV on all night on low volume with funny tv shows. At least, I did that last summer and it really helped me, although we all have to find the tricks that help us as we're all different.

did your morning adrenaline surge go away after holding for a long time?

did your morning adrenaline surge go away after holding for a long time?

 

That only got better after three months and it was morning, afternoon, evening and night. Again,remember  my crash happened during a taper, it was not a setback after months of being off, so I'm not sure I'm the best reference for what you're going through but I think it's a good sign that you feel some improvement.

Hi v!

I def see some improvement in my arm and neck. There still feels like a muscle is kinked up. I might go. I think I need to strengthen the shoulder. Though I know I'm sleeping wrong and looking g down at the tablet. I agree 100 percent. I think will the virus and not knowing what to expect it's good to wait especially if you having sx now. We don't need to rush. My last cut, though I admit was outrageous, was terrible. I'm just coming to now since may. Plus covid and riot/protest stress. Just keeping you on you toes with my scrambled pos5s!!

Hi v!

I def see some improvement in my arm and neck. There still feels like a muscle is kinked up. I might go. I think I need to strengthen the shoulder. Though I know I'm sleeping wrong and looking g down at the tablet. I agree 100 percent. I think will the virus and not knowing what to expect it's good to wait especially if you having sx now. We don't need to rush. My last cut, though I admit was outrageous, was terrible. I'm just coming to now since may. Plus covid and riot/protest stress. Just keeping you on you toes with my scrambled pos5s!!

 

 

Aaaaaahahaha yes Suzy I'm here trying to decipher your posts. I could work in an Egyptian museum after this training. So you say that your last cut was in May and it hit you very hard? Are you still feeling it? How much did you cut? I'm glad to hear your shoulder is showing some improvement. We need our shoulders in good shape for when we're fully healed and we can finally take up pole dancing 

Hey everybody!!  I just read pages. Lol.  You guys are doing such a good job of supporting each other.  It is very heartening to read. 

The drilling finally stopped, thank goodness, now maybe my body and brain will stopped feeling that , days of it was just awful.  I am not bad right now, and hopefully in a week, will taper again and finally be below 8!  I am so sick of that number  .  7.9 will be beautiful.  I am tapering very slowly.

Trishy, I know wearing a mask while you care for your grand baby sounds awful, I can't help but believe it's a good idea.  Your daughter will be around people, and then the baby, it would just be safer for you and Rich.  Safe is the key.  LY

Trouch, a four week window, wow!!  So jealous 

Val, you have done some fabulous posts girlfriend, helping to keep the group together and giving good advice . You are right, Texas is in bad shape.  Wednesday we had 1600 new cases and most days are close to 1,000 or more.  Our hospitals are slammed and some are having to decide who to treat.  It's an awful position to be in.  It does effect my mood and anxiety, it's overwhelming.  I truly believe if we could just get Trump out of office, Biden and the health professionals could get it under control, but that's still months  . You take care of your beautiful daughter and be safe.  LY

Meems, I know how long it can take to grieve.  It is a process that just has it's on time period.  I hope those symptoms ease soon.  Thinking of you.  LY

Jwl, you are a great addition to this group.  Great advice and support.  Slow , I hate that word, but it's the only way I can taper too and I use Liquid Diazapam. 

Jasmine, Val is right, if you are going to hold, hold everything and try not to add any meds.  Every change you makes, destabilizes your brain and central nervous system.  You need to give them an opportunity to stabilize.  No one can really answer most of your questions because we all react so differently.  Only time and reaching some stability will answer those questions for you.  I know it sucks, but benzo's react differently on everyone and then you throw in other drugs and it keeps everyone's reaction to tapering or holding differently.  Distractions and using this group as support are your best bets.  Time and as much patience as you have.  Good luck, you can do this!!

DD, girlfriend, always good to see you posting.  You are such a good person and we all love you.

Hope your symptoms ease soon .  LY

Stut s my Queen, you know I love you and think of you often, you are getting so low, I am jealous but so happy for you.  How is your daughter and the lad doing?  Is your friends daughter still with you?  Are your schools opening?  Your Lady Mary x Hen.

If I forgot someone, I am sorry, the group has grown and is really busy.

I love you all, Mary 🙋🏼🙋🏼🙋🏼.  💜😘🙏😷💜😘🙏😷💜😘🙏😷

 

Well Mary at last! It's great to see you back. I wonder what you mean by the "drilling"? Is that the pain or something else. I have this feeling in my head that when you said drilling I thought yes, it's like someone was drilling my head very softly, all day. I wonder if that's what you mean.

 

I'm sorry that Texas is in such hell. If you can stay at home as much as possible, it should be fine. It's not the same to get the virus with a very low viral load, like touching a pack of groceries, than with a huge viral load like being in the bus, or in church, or in a game, or in a protest, for hours with infected people.

 

My daughter and I are very very concerned and we're extremely careful. We can still get it but at least we're not looking for it.

 

No idea about the government. In so many countries they're doing an awful job. In years, when all this is over, we'll see the aftermath of it all and only then we'll really know what would've been best.

 

It's good to see you come out of the hole. I hope this window lasts for you.

:smitten:

Hey Meems,

I'm so sorry about Maggie. It sucks so bad to lose a fur baby  :'( I hope you find comfort in all the wonderful memories you have of her.

Sending you lots of love and hugs my friend.

Trishy,❤️

 

Oh thank you so much Trishy.

I send you a big hug 🤗

Meems

Suzy don't worry, I always find a way to understand your posts 

 

Trishy I can understand your concern, because of course taking care of a grandchild means that you're more exposed to contagion. The risk wouldn't be for him but for you. I don't know, this is a very personal decision but it's something to be considered. Maybe until there's a vaccine or an effective treatment or until the virus is not so rampant, your family could find a different daycare solution?

 

Here the virus is spreading very quickly again as our governments, local and national, are useless and we have ten times less trackers than we need. So according to epidemiologists we're going to be in another huge wave by october. I hope they're wrong but I'm preparing for it mentally.

 

I think when things are especially difficult it's a good idea to hold, also because you never know if they can get even more difficult. I'm also holding because I have too many symptoms to face all the stuff that's going wrong in my life and all the things that could go even worse in the short term. There will be a better time to cut for me. Not now.

Hey V,

Unfortunately there is no other solution. He would have to go to daycare if I don't take him and none of us want him in there. I will figure out a way to make it as safe as possible for us both. I'll have to sit down with my dil and talk about this and see what we can come up with as far as safety measures go. This whole virus thing just sucks so bad. 😔

Love to you,

Trishy ❤️

Well Mary at last! It's great to see you back. I wonder what you mean by the "drilling"? Is that the pain or something else. I have this feeling in my head that when you said drilling I thought yes, it's like someone was drilling my head very softly, all day. I wonder if that's what you mean.

 

I'm sorry that Texas is in such hell. If you can stay at home as much as possible, it should be fine. It's not the same to get the virus with a very low viral load, like touching a pack of groceries, than with a huge viral load like being in the bus, or in church, or in a game, or in a protest, for hours with infected people.

 

My daughter and I are very very concerned and we're extremely careful. We can still get it but at least we're not looking for it.

 

No idea about the government. In so many countries they're doing an awful job. In years, when all this is over, we'll see the aftermath of it all and only then we'll really know what would've been best.

 

It's good to see you come out of the hole. I hope this window lasts for you.

 

The drilling, is our city improving some underground power lines very close to my house, and it's drilling in rock.  It's an awful noise and shaking my house, body, and brain.  I even dream about it.  Yesterday was the last day , thank goodness, just getting rid of that noise and shake after 3 weeks is such a good feeling.  I can still feel the buzzing in my head if I let it.  Between withdrawal, the virus, and the drilling, that was a really awful time .  Now hoping things will improve some.   

Hey everyone,

Just wanted to let you all know, not sure it's important to anyone, that my therapist told me this morning via telehealth that I should stay put with my taper! She told me how she read in some psychiatric report that the last mg of tapering Xanax or adivan or any benzo I suppose is the hardest. She told me this after I mentioned my heart palps to her. This is something I believe she has to read as part of her job, this psychiatric report. I told her I was thrilled that, that was acknowledged and I felt validated in my suffering FINALLY by the medical community. Now if only all medical professionals would read up on benzo wd. Anywho, just wanted to mention that. So I'm not crazy this last mg like so many on here have said is the hardest. She doesn't want me to move and I should stay put for as long as I need to and not to push myself. She reassured me once again that she would help me get a Dr if I lost my current one. She doesn't want me to worry about that. She also said which is worth mentioning that some people taper the tiniest amount and can't do it! She said they never come off the drug. I told her about the suffering that goes on here in our group. I mentioned how hard it is for all of us but that we are driven to be free of this drug. So for what it's worth I truly look at us all as true benzo warriors.

Love you all,

Trishy ❤️

Mary they're drilling by your house and you live in Texas? Go running to see if they've found some petrol in those rocks and you can claim some!

 

I'm glad the drilling stopped. Withdrawal is bad enough without a driller tormenting you. You just started a little window and you're going to cut? How long do you wait when you get a window to cut again? I'm asking in case I ever get a window, which I'm really starting to doubt. I never really get windows, I just feel less like crap sometimes and I call that "feeling good",but it's nothing like when we really felt good, before all this tapering hell.

Suzy don't worry, I always find a way to understand your posts 

 

Trishy I can understand your concern, because of course taking care of a grandchild means that you're more exposed to contagion. The risk wouldn't be for him but for you. I don't know, this is a very personal decision but it's something to be considered. Maybe until there's a vaccine or an effective treatment or until the virus is not so rampant, your family could find a different daycare solution?

 

Here the virus is spreading very quickly again as our governments, local and national, are useless and we have ten times less trackers than we need. So according to epidemiologists we're going to be in another huge wave by october. I hope they're wrong but I'm preparing for it mentally.

 

I think when things are especially difficult it's a good idea to hold, also because you never know if they can get even more difficult. I'm also holding because I have too many symptoms to face all the stuff that's going wrong in my life and all the things that could go even worse in the short term. There will be a better time to cut for me. Not now.

Hey V,

Unfortunately there is no other solution. He would have to go to daycare if I don't take him and none of us want him in there. I will figure out a way to make it as safe as possible for us both. I'll have to sit down with my dil and talk about this and see what we can come up with as far as safety measures go. This whole virus thing just sucks so bad. 😔

Love to you,

Trishy ❤️

 

I understand it Trishy. He'll be much better with you and I'm sure you'll find a way to make it work 

Hey everyone,

Just wanted to let you all know, not sure it's important to anyone, that my therapist told me this morning via telehealth that I should stay put with my taper! She told me how she read in some psychiatric report that the last mg of tapering Xanax or adivan or any benzo I suppose is the hardest. She told me this after I mentioned my heart palps to her. This is something I believe she has to read as part of her job, this psychiatric report. I told her I was thrilled that, that was acknowledged and I felt validated in my suffering FINALLY by the medical community. Now if only all medical professionals would read up on benzo wd. Anywho, just wanted to mention that. So I'm not crazy this last mg like so many on here have said is the hardest. She doesn't want me to move and I should stay put for as long as I need to and not to push myself. She reassured me once again that she would help me get a Dr if I lost my current one. She doesn't want me to worry about that. She also said which is worth mentioning that some people taper the tiniest amount and can't do it! She said they never come off the drug. I told her about the suffering that goes on here in our group. I mentioned how hard it is for all of us but that we are driven to be free of this drug. So for what it's worth I truly look at us all as true benzo warriors.

Love you all,

Trishy ❤️

 

Trishy thank God you have that therapist and she decided to learn about bwd!. Wow, now I'm worried I'm one of those who'll never come off. Oh well, I'm determined to accept my fate although I hope I make it some day.