Eastcoast's Trip

I regret using this as my place to let off steam. Now that the absolute worst of withdrawal is over, its like my emotions are running high. Ups and downs....a lot of anger. Right now that is bad, and almost all of it centered on my neighbor. We almost got into it again this am. I was happily out feeding squirrels. I was amazed, there were 12 of them (and this wasn't my first trip out there.) I said something like that to her when she came out. "Well, theres a lot more than that!" she said. I replied, "Oh, I know!" And she made some snotty remark, obviously she thought I was somehow putting her down. She again mentioned how much pain shes in yesterday, so I asked "When you saw your pain doc yesterday, did he mention the pain pump?" "No," she said, "we're going to try another pill." Its so obvious to me that she just doesn't want to give up those pills, and the fuzz they put her in. I remember so well, but there was also a part of me that knew it wasn't doing any good. I STILL WAS IN PAIN!!! And so, she says, is she. Apparently the buzz is more important. Okay. Ill stop about this for now. Im so tired of it ....tired of her nonsense, and Im sure shes tired of mine. She has NO idea what I have been through, not an ounce of an idea. Ive told her a few things but she doesn't remember.

Got in touch with a nice-sounding man on an online dating thingie. An old hippie, my age exactly....a Pisces like me. I don't believe in all that, though. He sounds nice, and has long hair which I still prefer. I AM an old hippie! Old hippies never change. We just get older.  Maybe Ill make a new friend, who knows?

Im off to shower. So hot outside. Going out the door one starts sweating. My hair is all frizzy and I feel gross.

Oh, I slept better the last two nights. It occurred to me....I stopped drinking my iced coffee much earlier both days. I wonder.....?

I slept poorly last night, and had night sweats again. Thought that had stopped. This am, I tried to turn my mattress. Wrong! Something went POP in my lower back, and the pain brought me to the floor, half under the mattress. When I could get up I took Advil. After a while, went outside. Neighbor was there. I told her what happened. "I am not going to lift anything today," she said. Fine. So, I asked J, my other neighbor. He has a bad back himself, but came and did most of the work. God Bless You J!!!! I was able to make the bed, slowly. When I went back outside, there was L, carrying a heavy plant pot with ONE ARM, and a cigarette in the other. Come on....if your back really hurts, you cannot DO THAT.  I finally was able to lift a small load of laundry and took it out. Sat, gave the squirrels a couple peanuts, and out she came again. My heart sank. I told her J had helped me. "Oh, I would have helped you," she said.

Every time I deal with her, my BP rises and I feel almost ill. She lies so much. She doesn't remember a thing she said. She repeats herself over and over. She isn't generous, although she thinks she is. I am over this friendship. Really over it. Am looking for new local friends, and have a couple possibilities up my sleeve.

I have to find my heating pad soon...hope I don't have to bend to look for it. Advil only took the edge off the pain. I am worried I wont be able to move at all in a few hours.

I am very lucky. My back wasn't worse this morning. About the same. Advil 600 mgs seems to help a bit. I have trouble bending, but walking okay. Nothing numb. Damn, I am lucky. Had trouble sleeping, but that's nothing new to me. Heating pad helped some, b ut it made me feel too hot.

Oreo has been on a new kick: he's staying on the sofa - Peggys spot. Each evening, I was carrying him into bed. Last night I tried, and decided - nope, if he leaves, he si staying out there. And that's what happened. He and Peggy slept 3 feet apart all night. During the day, Peggy is now in the kitchen with me or on my bed. But she will NOT be the bed cat! No way. I love the little girl but am too familiar with her antics. She grooms so much, and jumps around.

This morning when I first went outside, a young possum was near my door. He seemed ill, like there was something bad in his mouth. Kept trying to get something in there. I watched helplessly. He drank some of the feral cats water, and finally trundled off into the yard. Poor little guy. The feral cats have been mating the last couple mornings....loud! Nasty people who abandon cats....nasty. Despicable.

All my squirrels are looking good, and they sure are hungry! Petey didn't show for two days, but came today. He is waving his stump at anyone who comes too close. What a tough guy. Several pregnant females....they get almonds, not peanuts. One male always demands two peanuts (shelled).

Went out a minute ago to have half a smoke...neighbor was yelling "SHUDDDUP" to her little dog, so I came in without her seeing me. That poor dog. It must live in a kind of hell. One minute shes nice, next minute shes mean. I think she hits the dog, too, though I have never witnessed it....thought I heard it a couple times.

Going to the dentist. Hopefully the partial will FIT.

Finally got my permanent partials, They fit pretty well, Its so weird to be able to chew in the back! Havent done that for a long, long time.

Neighbor News: went outside a while ago and she was there. We chatted, I told her about the possum. She said she had heard the feral cats mating. Then she said that "Its not cats, its your Mexican neighbors trying to f___k with you." HUH? First of all, they aren't Mexican. They are Columbian. Second, this wasn't noise made by a human. I eve SAW two of the cats. Plus it came from several directions, NONE of which were in back of my apartment. Why would she say something like that? To upset me? I think SO. Then another neighbor popped his head over the fence and offered us "a ton" of cookbooks. L said shed take them, and that "we (meaning she and I) would take extras to thirft shops. I spoke up - "No, L., I cannot help with that. I cannot lift anything right now." See, I know how this would go down. He'd bring over a ton of books. She'd take a few. Id take one or two, and the rest - would be up to Annie to lug to thrift shops. She'd be "too ill", or not have a car, or something. I had to tell her twice I could not help take books to a thrift shop. She comes outside often to smoke, but usually stays on her patio. But Im out there multiple times a day, either to smoke or to feed animals. And I stay a lot longer, since I am a thin woman and the heat doesn't bother me as much as it does her. So, I have a LOT more opportunity to really observe the birds and squirrels. Yet, she talks as if she does the same thing! Drives me batty!

Okay, enough whining. Needed to let it out.

So freaking hot outside, I hardly even want to go feed squirrels. But I did. Neighbor came out later. She likes this one young female squirrel. "She's the only one with a personality", she said. Huh? Try sitting less than a foot from them all, and then tell me they don't have personalities!!!!! Oh, my, they all do. Some are bold and rowdy, some hesitant and nervous. Some are more interested in me than others....others think Im just a conveyer of good food. She told me she only has a cup of birdseed left. Good! I know that's mean, but Im still pissed that the creatures hang out in her end of the yard when she puts food out. That woman just gets on my last nerves. I know I am being childish and small minded. I wasn't, with her, for a long time....despite nagging concerns. I wanted so much to make anew friend. So much I was willing to put up with the things that bothered me. That's kind of sad, isn't it? Its my insecurity talking....I knew that all along, but the need for a friend weighed more. Now, it doesn't. I continue to be pleasant to her, but seems like everything I say to her sets her off. So, I am trying not to even SAY much to her. Why bother? Ive told her too much already.

My back is still sore, a week after I injured it. I am taking ibuprofen, it helps a bit. Hard to sleep when you are in pain! I am still waking nearly every hour, and getting up too early. This am, awake a 4 am, and gave up and got up at 4:30. That starts a bad cycle, because I may fall asleep at 8 pm tonight! I am sleeping slightly more lately....slightly. I no longer think I have sleep apnea. Not sure, of course. I have to cancel the doctor appointment....no money.

Got my annual notice from the Driver's License Bureau....to take my driving test. Had to fax the form to Dr P. Faxes now cost $2 a page!!!!! I am so broke and this annoyed me no end. But mainly, this annual notice is a big reminder of how a benzo almost ruined my life. Can I ever just BE and LIVE, without reminders???

Neighbor......three days in a row, she announced to me that "That squirrel has a black tip on her tail, did you see?" Uh, No, I didn't....huh. I saw that two months ago.( I think she was injured and it grew in dark.) Neighbor didn't remember she had said this before, as usual. I am keeping my distance. In fact, several times when Ive been outside, she has come out and sat down to chat...and I make pleasantries but got up and went inside. I don't need her BS, I don't want it, and I DO want to avoid it. She is toxic, to me.

Back still hurts. Advil helps some. Wish I could have afforded those Tramadol the dentist offered. Oh well, better to NOT rely on such a thing. Advil is fairly harmless.

Oreo is now sleeping on the sofa all day and all night. I miss the big guy, but don't wish to interfere with Cat Business. They have to work it out themselves. Peggy now stays on one of the kitchen chairs. This am, she had thrown up all over my chair, the floor, her chair....what a way to start the day. I love my cats but..........................

Got the permanent partials. The top fits fine, the bottom, not so. And the gross thing is that food gets stuck under it. I threw out the little tube of Fixodent they gave me, because they had told me I wouldn't need it. I think I DO! I will call them next week, and go in to have it adjusted. But yes, I can chew real food. But Im so disgusted with the food bits, Im not using them much.

Last night, poor sleep again. Woke every hour, on the dot. Im not dreaming again. But am having what I call "visions." I will be drifting off and see something very clearly in my mind. Like a still photograph. It flashes on, then goes away. Im sure theres a name for this but I don't know it. My guess is that these take the place of normal dreaming. I like the new bedroom. It is smaller, but Im keeping it neat and have less Stuff in it. Fewer pictures on the walls. Simple, clean and neat. Now, if I could just organize the "junk room." But I would need to buy a bit of shelving to do that, and I have no money for a month. This is a 5 week month for SS. Don't get another check until the 2oth.....oh, that's only three weeks! I can do it, just may not eat too well, or be able to pay bills, or drive much. But Ive done it many times before, and know what to do. Good reason to continue to cut down smoking! Now THAT is an addiction I cannot conquer, and I hate it. Hate being owned by a drug now. Didn't used to bother me, in fact, I didn't even think I WAS owned by any drugs! Yet, I was....to several. Alcohol, cigarettes, a benzo, a sleeping pill, two antidepressants. Plus other things, along the way. What a mess I was in, and I didn't see it at all.

But am having what I call "visions." I will be drifting off and see something very clearly in my mind. Like a still photograph. It flashes on, then goes away. Im sure theres a name for this but I don't know it.

i love when this visions come. they're so clear and vivid. i stopped the cigarettes when i did the cold turkey. i had only been smoking two cigs a day so not much but was deeply addicted. i have been having non stop dreams about smoking. it's like i crave it or my body is releasing it in the dreams ?

Pretty - god for you for stopping! Can you tell me more - how did you decide, what did you do??? I can imagine that it was hard to do. And having visions etc about smoking - that I can sure understand.

Daily Gripe Session:

Neighbor.....told me again (4th time) that one of the squirrels has a black tip on her tail. Corrected me on something I said about birds. I smiled, made excuses and went inside. I am getting more comfortable doing this. Its more pleasant to be inside with my cats! And it spoils my time outside with the squirrels if she is there. Toxic Woman! My God, shes only in her mid 50's.

Back still hurts but slowly, slowly, getting better. I sure wont be trying to lift something big and bulky like that again. The instant pain - OUCH - and that "pop" I felt - scary stuff. I am so, so lucky.

Slept two hours, woke....all night. Better than waking every one hour, I guess.

I love the description toxic women.

Love B X

Pretty - god for you for stopping! Can you tell me more - how did you decide, what did you do??? I can imagine that it was hard to do. And having visions etc about smoking - that I can sure understand.

i didn't decide and i really didn't want to quit since i was only smoking two cigs a day. i loved it with my coffee and miss it terribly. just after the cold turkey my brain felt so kindled that i just haven't been able to go out and get a cup of coffee and light up a cig.

but i may one day, although it might send me over the edge. i totally miss it and still having dreams about it. i'm hoping they are "releasing" dreams and that the craving for both the coffee and cig will one day be gone. i am really hoping for that. the coffee always goes with the cigarette and vice versa. i don't think i could just have a cigarette or just have a cup of coffee. they both go together.

Last night, poor sleep again. Woke every hour, on the dot. Im not dreaming again. But am having what I call "visions." I will be drifting off and see something very clearly in my mind. Like a still photograph. It flashes on, then goes away. Im sure theres a name for this but I don't know it.

That reminds me: two times in a 24 hour period my alarm clock woke me up.

Only it was not set. There was no alarm. It's freaky. I hear the sound, it seems totally real, I jerk awake to get up and turn it off, then I realize it was like a super-mini-dream.

Gary 

Svenoak, this forum literally saved my ever-lovin' life. Its the least I can do to give back to other folks. And doing that has helped me immeasurably.

Neighbor is obviously actively avoiding me. She seems to have made friends with C, who lives in the other apt building next to her. C is very intelligent - wonder when she will figure L out???

She does plan to move her birdbath, and blames her son for not doing it sooner. And she says she bought a concrete block to set it on. Good! I will put my Bird Girl statue there!!!!! I hurt my back over 2 weeks ago....she hasn't ONCE asked how I am doing. All she talks about is her own pain, her own back, her pain meds, etc etc. I may have been sort of like that back when I took a lot of narcotics for pain..but I don't think so. Even back then, I was concerned about other people - probably too much. I neglected myself!

Again, first thing this am I was treated to hearing her yell at her dog from her patio out back. Swearing at the little dog, who is a nervous wreck. "God____it, STOP IT" is what I heard. And the dog was yelping as usual. I am sure she is unaware that her swearing bothers anyone. Its second nature to her. I used to curse a lot - all hippies did. But I activelt gave it up years ago - it wasn't attractive or classy at all. And it bothers most people to hear it.

My back - a tiny bit better. I am taking Pepcid, Tums, I eat something, and an hour later take the Advil. So far, so good.

Need to unload about the neighbor. More and more, I am accepting that I simply dislike her. And regret ever thinking of her as a friend.

I will give you an example of her behavior. I was sitting outside, and she came out and sat down. (Lately, she hangs out on her patio, out back, not up front where I sit-). Another neighbor came out...her foot was in a cast. She asked me if she could get a ride to and from work for a few days, at 7 am. I didn't feel good that day - my back hurt, I hadn't slept, and was tense from being around that neighbor. So I didn't think too clearly and told her it was too early. Which it is, but I NEED the little money she was offering. Well, Dear Neighbor piped up: "I will ask J if he can take you," she said. J is her son. How lovely of her - she got to appear like the hero, and she wasn't even going to do the driving!!!!! Piss off, lady! This am, I left a note for W, the lady with the broken foot and said I would be able to take her, if needed.

Most mornings, when I go out to feed the squirrels, I  am greeted by L's yeling at her dog, or her cat, along with various curses. I am so tired of hearing

G_____it" - its not blasphemy to me, but its obnoxious. And the F word, and the S word....its like every other word with her! I just don't like that, and I just don't like her. I think she senses this, and she probably doesn't like me, either. So it goes, huh?

Okay, enough bitching for now.

I am lonely....that is why I got sucked into a "friendship" I never felt good about. I pushed everyone away, while on benzos. And have never learned how to NOT do this. I try now, but seems like I always mess things up.;.....or maybe pick the wrong people...I don't know.

Have been sleeping slightly better, but not last night. Up reading at all hours, finally fell asleep at 3 and woke at 4:30. I made myself stay in bed until 6:15.

This has not been a good month for me. First bronchitis - then I injured my lower back lifting my mattress. Ouch! Then, upset stomach from ibuprofen.

Getting old stinks!!!!!!!

Here I am again....and now, Im a Moderator here. This is something I have thought about for quite a while, and many people have suggested I do it. But I was scared. So, when I was asked, I said yes. I am so proud of this, being asked, and being a part of the team here! It means so much to me, a fulfillment of a dream. I never thought I would feel well enough to do it, either.

I feel badly that so much of this blog is negative, childish stuff about my neighbor. This is where I let off steam, but....now wish Id just kept my big mouth shut. Nothing has improved with her, but I no longer even TRY to be friends with her. Its over and done.....FINIS!

I still am sleeping poorly. I fall asleep now, which is nice. But wake every our to three. All night this goes on. Im used to it and usually it doesn't bother me too much. Sometimes it does, though. I still listen to Jodi Whitely's sleep stories and hypnosis videos....for whatever reason, her voice and words often get me to fall asleep. Or, I read on my Nook, but when you're poor, you cannot afford good books. So Ive read a lot of garbage during the wee hours.

Other symptoms...same old, same old. Itching burning gums. Looping music (make it go away!). Still intensely dislike ants and other insects. Still a bit obsessive about cleaning, but not like I used to be. Occasionally I still get those weird cramps in fingers and toes. Last night, I had intensely itching spots on a foot, then a leg, then an arm. Being an RN, I always try to think of a medical condition that would cause these things, and often, I cant. The itching...was withdrawal stuff again, I think. But it went away. One of those "go figure" things we all have.

I hope I am a good Moderator for you all. I will be trying hard, so bear with me as I learn and grow.

east

Juliea has started a welcome thread fo you East, i've just been there.

just in case you are not aware.

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=115376.0

Hugs to east coast. What a story. What you said about we basically just have to go through all of this on our own even after years of suffering really hit home.

You're a strong person, we all are. Thanks for sharing such a powerful story with us.

Love and Respect.

b

you're doing an excellent job as moderator! this is a perfect role for you and glad you stepped into it.

i could never do anything like this even if i was %100. well, maybe, but not as good as you.

Hello everyone,

I haven't wanted to come back here for quite a while. Its still painful for me to think about it all. And, Ive been busy, with my new role here and in my personal life.

Thank you all for the kind words. It means a great deal to me. I know I come across as being tough and strong - and I guess I am, but Im really very sensitive and kind of shy. Easily hurt, you know? I know Im stronger than I USED to be, though.

east

I wanted to check in here, and add a few things. I have been busy, learning how to do Moderator things, which involved my learning to do new things on the computer. I find this very painful, I have some sort of mental block when it comes to anything technical. So, its slow going for me. But I am enjoying being a Moderator, and am trying to be helpful. Its also quite sad at times, because so many are suffering and theres precious little this old nurse can do.

I have been trying to find work. I considered going back into Psych Nursing....its easy and pays okay even here in my state. But I really don't want to. And my record might prevent anyone from hiring me. So, I posted my name, etc. on three sites that find housecleaners and pet sitters. Only one response so far, but I got the job and start in two days. Its only for three days, four visits. To care for a lady's four ferrets! I read up on them, and may even know more than the owner right now. The ferrets were delightful....playful, curious, silly. A little smelly, but that didn't bother me. One got into my purse and stole a wrapped peppermint...hid it in his favorite hiding spot under a cabinet two rooms away. This woman has cut holes into her cabinets so she can reach in a grab the little guys....uses a wooden spoon to push them to the front where the hole is.

I see this as being a future reference, plus Ill earn a couple dollars. So far most people want dog sitters, and Im not fond of most dogs and don't want to walk them. I think people assume cats take care of themselves, which is NOT true but it is a common belief.

As I type, Oreo is snoring on the kitchen chair next to me. I love that cat so much. He helps put me to sleep at night, when he plops his warm body onto my midsection and purrs so hard I can feel it. And Peggy - I have felt closer to her lately. She has the softest fur imaginable, like a bunny rabbit. Today I tried to clean  a small spot on my folding screen (just before Baby died she was incontinent and left small messes everywhere-). It didn't come out, and I felt like crying again for Baby. I feel so guilty about her, yet I know there was nothing that could have helped her problem. It was genetic, incurable and nothing the vet tried had helped. I cleaned up her messes for so many years and finally just gave up. I have been missing Wilson a lot lately....again....his dear little white face and mischievious blue eyes. That long tail, swishing, as he figured out how to bedevil me. That cat had a sense of humor and I miss him so much. I hung a photo of Denny holding Teddy in my kitchen. Its a great photo...Denny is looking down at Teddy tenderly, wearing a gray plaid shirt. Teddy was a gray and white striped cat, a big guy, and the expression on his face is priceless. He is staring at me, clearly saying "Get me down! This guy doesn't really like me! MOM!" And he was right. Denny did not really love any animal, at all. He went through the motions, only. Teddy was a great, great cat, my best ever cat. Its been 25 years and I still miss him.

Im still angry at Denny for dying and not letting me know. I know he felt guilty about what happened. I know he had written me off as a little crazy, with my alcohol and benzo use (I don't think he knew how much I was into both things, though-). I know he felt guilty for treating me so poorly, too....and that's why he disappeared out of my life in 1995. He died in about 1986, I think, -probably of AIDS. He never was one to use condoms, and his gay life was pretty active. When I found out he was dead I was still in full blown withdrawal. I was quite sad, as Denny was a big part of my life for what, 13 years? I was obsessed with that beautiful little man. Also, very hurt. Then I got angry at him for dying without letting me know he was even sick. I tried to get his sister to tell me details but D was never one to share, and gave me only the barest minimum of information.

Why am I going on about Denny? I am over this now....thinking about Teddy, and seeing his picture on the wall every day is doing it. Maybe I need to grieve more for both....for ALL of them. I was crying about Walt the other night, too. Walt committed suicide because he had ALS and was failing badly. I let him down, by not being there. I loved Walt very much, despite his many problems. Its funny that I am the survivor, not either of them.......What makes me so strong? Is it my peasant genes? What???

Ruminations....never got me anywhere, so Ill stop right now.

east

Hi, east.

I'm sorry for all of your losses. I guess the longer we've been on these meds, the more we have to sort through when it comes to people (and our furry friends) who have passed on.

Over the past 30 years, I've lost both parents, several close friends to illnesses and suicide, and a part of myself, it seems.

I'm glad you're doing some pet sitting. When I first re-located to the DC area years ago, I worked for a pet sitting company. I had a blast! I'm sure you'll find a lot of work. The holiday season is coming up, which is super busy for cat sitting (and ferret sitting!).

Back then, my vet let me leave flyers in her office advertising. Also, small local pet stores will usually let you advertise in their stores. I'm sure you'll find enough business to keep you busy and bring in some extra money. I wish you success on your new adventures. 

Thanks - those are good ideas. I "advertised" myself on a couple job hunt websites. My lack of computer skills kinda hurt that - I don't have a resume, cant post a photo, etc. So, its one step at a time, for me. Because I live in Florida now, a lot of residents haven't arrived here from up North. Hopefully, I will find more jobs once they all get here, with their pets and dirty homes (LOL!)

east

First, the good news. I did a three day stint sitting four ferrets. Easy job, once I figured things out. Clean up poop and pee, feed, let them out and then watch them. THAT was a treat...ferrets are curious, playful and kind of silly. They run somewhat like a raccoon, with back hunched up. The woman came by today to pay me, and also to ask me to sit again two times - once later this month and again in early November. I said yes. Its a great little job, and I have applied for a cat sitting job, and two housecleaning jobs. I have hope again that I can earn some extra money. Living on Social Security is no fun, especially when you have expensive taste! Of course, even with extra money my shopping has to be bargain variety, at thrift shops, Goodwill, etc. But that's okay - the thrill of the hunt is fun.

I need to unload again. My neighbor....uses her back patio, but twice lately shes sat out front. And what does she do? Fix my windchime so it wont chime by hooking the clanger up! How dare she? Yesterday I noticed it and fixed it in front of her not knowing she had done it. I thought the wind had! Shes said "Oh, I did that because it was driving me crazy." Then she got up and went in, rather pointedly (the chime bothers her so much she had to go inside). Its a Woodstock chime, a small one, and hardly obnoxious at all. IF it was one of their giant ones, with two foot bells, I could see it, But its a tiny one, maybe 11 inches long total. Shes done it again today - and she knows it bugs me. Is she doing this on purpose? Could be. I don't like her - and I don't think she likes me. She knows Im on to her drug use and abuse. I will wait until she goes in...and see if she fixed it back right. I do not like being this bitchy and irritable. It isn't me. But this woman gets on my last nerve, really. And Im sick of hearing her yell "SHUDDUP" to her dogs, and yelling at her beautiful, sweet cat. And the arguments between her and her son are awful, with cursing and yelling, things being slammed, etc. AND her liberal use of curse words.

Okay, I have groused and whined and yes, it helped me to feel better. I have never handled anger well, I admit it. I used to have a fantasy of having somewhere to go where I could throw bottles up against a cement wall, just to let anger out in a satisfying way. Id STILL like to do that!

Symtpoms that remain, just so its written:

-some tinnitus, especially when Im tired

-itching stinging gums

-looping music (oh God I wish it would go away! Such a crazy symptom!!!)

-unrestful sleep Sleep has improved a lot. I now fall asleep easily, something I only did on massive amo0unts of drugs) but I am still waking every two hours like a damn alarm clock. This past month, however, I started being able to fall back asleep pretty fast. I have only listened to my sleep hypnosis videos maybe twice in the last 30 days. This is real progress, I think.

SO: A note to everyone....THERE IS HOPE. WE DO HEAL. IT MAY BE SLOW IN COMING. BUT IT HAPPENS, TO EVERYONE. BE PATIENT, RIDE THE WAVES AND DISTRACT YOURSELF A LOT. HEALING IS HAPPENING WHETHER YOU FEEL IT OR NOT.