6-12 month thread....

Hi everybody, I am really feeling bad now, I gave two lessons, back to back, maybe that is the reason.

But that is not the point. I read this article and I wanted to dedicate it to you guys on this thread . The buddie who posted it, thought it applied to us on the forum, it's about habits of  mentally tough  people.

We feel like we are on our knees, we are all, but mentally strong, right ? but I can't help feeling that I have met the bravest people right here at benzobuddies, on this thread.

We are coping with so many things at the same time. Each of these symptoms, taken one by one, would terrify anybody out there. 

Check it out here http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=116751.new;topicseen#new 

Appearances are certainly against us but appearances are often wrong.

Quit being hard on yourselves, BTW. Or, let's try not to be hard on yourselves. There's real  life out there, that is already doing plenty of that !

Good night everybody and happy healing.

Congrats on one year Life!  You are way ahead of the game.  You are closer to the finish than you realize.  Stay strong!

 

My wave seems to be losing its ppotency.  Head pressure mcuh less and I seem to cycle into crappy feelings several times a day for an hour or so and then it recedes a bit.  Not good but at least it is not constant.  Hope everyone gets a window of some sort today.

You know I must confess, I was starting to feel sorry for myself. That has never been good for me and never really helps. I am really disappointed that these outside stressors have caused such a long wave... I know what windows feel like and I know that I will get them again. I guess the further out I get on this w/d crap the tougher it is for me. I sometimes get warn out. But I have laways been a fighter. I think I was just hard on myself.

I am just wondering. Have any of you ever thought "well, before benzos I did have this incident or that incident?" That is I have this past week been looking at some stressful times in my past pre-benzos/or on benzos and attempting to rationalize that "well if I was like that pre benzos then..." BUT the fact remains I have never been this anxious, this depressed this fearful ever -- at least for not this protracted period of time. I have never had these windows and waves. I guess I am starting to re-establish my belief that it is all benozs. I think if I did have mild anxiety ion the past then the benzo beast makes it all teh worts.

I have come to a conclusion that the benzo beast exaggerates everything ( even if anxiety was in your past). It make it much worst then it would have been and hence the waves we endure are far worts than anything in our past. I am just trying to make sense out of all of this when in fact like Nova says -- maybe we just stop questioning it.

Love

Life

looking back at some of my post and realize that I have been in a 6 week wave due to outside stress. I am going to snap out of this! I am pissed. Has anyone here ever been in a 6 week wave?

Life

Sky... 1) I know I am very hard on myself. 2) I believe in writing positive affirmation and also writing some of the cognitive distortions and responding with the realities to that distortion.

I've been told by my psychiatrist years ago this is great CBT.  The counselor I see now also suggest doing exactly the same thing.  I find it helps at times.  Not always of course.  The trick is to stick to it.  I guess that is my week point.  I tend to bail if I don't see results immediately.  Not realistic I know.

I will continue doing this going forward.  Funny how I can already see that I was being unreasonable as far as my expectations are concerned regarding my weekend visit to N.Y.  What was I suppose to be like.  The life of the party??? Not quite.  Never was even in the good old days before benzos and a/d's.  I was there and I survived even though I was caught up in exactly what and how I was feeling.  Asking too many questions rather than just accepting that I was there and doing okay.  Already, you can probably see a trend in how I deal and look at situations as of late.

Thanks to all who are suggesting I am being hard on myself.  I guess I need to hear that.  I know my wife thinks I am beating myself up for know good reason and just making myself miserable.

I'll keep working at it....with all your help.  Thanks all of you.

Congrats on one year Life!  You are way ahead of the game.  You are closer to the finish than you realize.  Stay strong!

 

My wave seems to be losing its ppotency.  Head pressure mcuh less and I seem to cycle into crappy feelings several times a day for an hour or so and then it recedes a bit.  Not good but at least it is not constant.  Hope everyone gets a window of some sort today.

Drew, I'm happy to hear you're getting a little relief.  I looked at your signature.  I remember thinking when I was in that 4-5 month wave, why didn't anyone tell me about this?   I was outraged.  It gets better.  A day at a time.

Hi everybody, I am really feeling bad now, I gave two lessons, back to back, maybe that is the reason.

But that is not the point. I read this article and I wanted to dedicate it to you guys on this thread . The buddie who posted it, thought it applied to us on the forum, it's about habits of  mentally tough  people.

 

We feel like we are on our knees, we are all, but mentally strong, right ? but I can't help feeling that I have met the bravest people right here at benzobuddies, on this thread.

 

We are coping with so many things at the same time. Each of these symptoms, taken one by one, would terrify anybody out there. 

 

Check it out here7 Habits of People With Remarkable Mental Toughness.

 

Appearances are certainly against us but appearances are often wrong.

 

Quit being hard on yourselves, BTW. Or, let's try not to be hard on yourselves. There's real  life out there, that is already doing plenty of that !

 

Good night everybody and happy healing.

I just made dinner and talked on the phone and I feel bad.  I don't think it's the lessons.  Expecting a highly improved baseline after this sucker.

Thanks for the thread.

feel better

Congrats on one year Life!  You are way ahead of the game.  You are closer to the finish than you realize.  Stay strong!

 

My wave seems to be losing its ppotency.  Head pressure mcuh less and I seem to cycle into crappy feelings several times a day for an hour or so and then it recedes a bit.  Not good but at least it is not constant.  Hope everyone gets a window of some sort today.

 

You know I must confess, I was starting to feel sorry for myself. That has never been good for me and never really helps. I am really disappointed that these outside stressors have caused such a long wave... I know what windows feel like and I know that I will get them again. I guess the further out I get on this w/d crap the tougher it is for me. I sometimes get warn out. But I have laways been a fighter. I think I was just hard on myself.

 

I am just wondering. Have any of you ever thought "well, before benzos I did have this incident or that incident?" That is I have this past week been looking at some stressful times in my past pre-benzos/or on benzos and attempting to rationalize that "well if I was like that pre benzos then..." BUT the fact remains I have never been this anxious, this depressed this fearful ever -- at least for not this protracted period of time. I have never had these windows and waves. I guess I am starting to re-establish my belief that it is all benozs. I think if I did have mild anxiety ion the past then the benzo beast makes it all teh worts.

 

I have come to a conclusion that the benzo beast exaggerates everything ( even if anxiety was in your past). It make it much worst then it would have been and hence the waves we endure are far worts than anything in our past. I am just trying to make sense out of all of this when in fact like Nova says -- maybe we just stop questioning it.

 

Love

 

Life

Hang on Life.  It's a bad wave.  It's just gone on for so long you don't know whether you're coming or going, where you question everything.  It's not you.  Just in my two week wave, I forgot everything positive I was saying, I lost myself again, I couldn't see past the wave, I was stuck in it.  I'm just starting to feel better.  You've been dealing with this for six weeks.  That's a long time to be in the hole.

There's probably nothing I can say to you when you feel like this (I know, I've been there) except hang on, don't worry, it's just withdrawal, it will pass, and you're going to have a happy healthy life when you get past this. 

Oh my! So much is going on and I was at work all day and I want to respond, but I really need to go to bed!

But before I do, I must share that I'm still in my window thing. It's not a full window, but it's pretty nice! I went to see my therapist tonight. I've known her for 18 months and she said, "Something in you has changed. I've never seen you like this." And I'm like, "We call it a window and I've not had one of any duration over the last 18 months. This is me. Nice to meet ya."

To all the moms and dads, getting off these drugs is the kindest thing you've ever done for your children. My mom went on benzos 20 years ago, when I was 16 and I've never 'seen' her since. She is a different person and it's very sad. She is following my story with some interest. I'm not sure she'll ever find her courage to take this long journey back. I understand what it takes. I understand she may not be up for it. But I miss her.

Off to bed. Sleep is the key. I love my family on this thread. No one gets left behind. Coop, will you change the name of the thread so that HH, Jenny, and Life will stick around?  Those people passing the 1 year marker  might leave us in the dust….

Peace2

Oh my! So much is going on and I was at work all day and I want to respond, but I really need to go to bed!

 

But before I do, I must share that I'm still in my window thing. It's not a full window, but it's pretty nice! I went to see my therapist tonight. I've known her for 18 months and she said, "Something in you has changed. I've never seen you like this." And I'm like, "We call it a window and I've not had one of any duration over the last 18 months. This is me. Nice to meet ya."

 

To all the moms and dads, getting off these drugs is the kindest thing you've ever done for your children. My mom went on benzos 20 years ago, when I was 16 and I've never 'seen' her since. She is a different person and it's very sad. She is following my story with some interest. I'm not sure she'll ever find her courage to take this long journey back. I understand what it takes. I understand she may not be up for it. But I miss her.

 

Off to bed. Sleep is the key. I love my family on this thread. No one gets left behind. Coop, will you change the name of the thread so that HH, Jenny, and Life will stick around?  Those people passing the 1 year marker  might leave us in the dust….

 

Peace2

Way to go, Peace!!  You had a lot of people here rooting for you.

My mom also took valium.  I always felt she was emotionally untouchable.  Really sad, she was a lovely person. When I first jumped, I used to go crazy thinking, my God, how could I not have seen this?  How could I have repeated that history?  It's like a Greek tragedy.

Forgot Jenny and Life are graduating! 

Coop, will you change the name of the thread so that HH, Jenny, and Life will stick around?  Those people passing the 1 year marker  might leave us in the dust….

Peace, what a coincidence, I was wondering about the same thing ! Probably no such thing will happen, though. WHo would have thought we would get so far off ?

I received some bad news yesterday evening, so outside stressors have finally reached me. I feel pretty awful and it  is harder to wrap my brain around this one this time.

The worse I am, the longer it takes me to write a post on this thread, it's as if my writing measures the damage done to my brain by emotions.

Going out, see you later. I may need some help on this one, it feels like a tough one.

Healing thoughts to everybody.

Life ... I had to stop "questioning" ... it was driving me nuts ... maybe after all this is "over" I will reflect on the "whys" and "hows" and "what fors" ... I am not in good enough shape yet to put myself through that ... and maybe I won't even bother ... my "method" now is not adding to the "stress" of my healing ...

All I need to know: 1) I got on the drug, 2) I got off the drug, 3) I am healing, and 4) I will not take the drug again ...

And the most important thing I "know" ... I am getting better and better ... I am no longer in hell, for now stopping over in limbo, on my way to heaven ...

All the rest is just day to day living ... and in the fullness of time this will be over ... in the mean time, acknowledge my "accomplishments", rest in my unlimited "patience", "be" where I am right now, use what I have "learned" these past three years, and when the time arrives, stroll graciously over the finish line ...

In the meantime, chop wood, carry water ...

Jenny and Life ... one year free this week ... what a marvelous gift you have given yourselves ... and what a beacon you have been to us these past months ... thank you ... hugs to both of you ...

Green ... 11 months out ... we are pretty close ... I will be joining you next week ... sitting here this morning ... looking back a bit on last September ... I was way down in my taper and still had about 10 weeks "scheduled" to complete it ... and I was just so tired of the taper process ... decided to "speed" things up ... I so wanted to be done with the drug ...

And remembering some of the little things back then ... so utterly exhausted ... sleeping in a recliner ... couldn't lay flat in bed ... and the constant "questioning" ... and the wondering what I was going to be like without the drug ... for me, way to much "thinking" back then ...

And sitting here this morning "knowing" I am just fine without the drug ... this "emergence" over the past twelve months many days and weeks was awfully "hard" ... I believe we are truly done with "survival" ... while my body is still doing the work of repairing "connections", I am finding myself more "relaxed" in my life, more "lazy" ... most days I cannot even remember the feeling of "hyper-vigilance" ...

Take care, my friend, we will be done with this stuff soon ...

Jenny-

Congratulations on a full and enjoyed soccer day. That is a positive report and it sounds like healing to me. Not thinking about withdrawal all day is a sure sign of healing. Hope you get lots more days like this one. A puppy sounds like a sweet and demanding addition to the family. It's that whole chewing and potty training thing. Our dog came to us when she was a year old and that was about perfect. What kind of puppy are you getting? I bet the boys are excited!

 

MommyR- I prayed for you this morning and I will again later today. I spent sometime with Joel Osteen on YouTube yesterday. It was easy listening while I cleaned the kitchen. Would you like to give him a listen? I'm glad your MIL is there to feed everyone. And how wonderful that you have family, FIL, who knows something first hand about what you're going through. It sounds like you have quite an army behind you.

 

Coop- thanks for your words. I'm getting stuck in fear that it's not benzo withdrawal, but the new real me. If it's benzo withdrawal then I'll heal, but if it's just a mixed up brain......

It's a moment of faith or decision or something. I have to believe this is all withdrawal because then I believe it will improve on its own.

I'm sorry to hear you're having all those sx in the morning. I'm glad they're easing up by midday and that you're feeling clear healing in month ten. This is a long ride, Coop. I'm glad we don't have to go it alone.

 

Peace2

When I read this it really hit me.  Yes, I do have an army don't I?  This past 8 weeks has been rough.  I do love and listen to Joel.  He has really good stuff.  Thank you for suggesting. 

(warning:  somewhat of a downer post)

 

Good morning,

 

I feel like I have backslid in my healing process this week.  It's been a tough one of being in and out of a wave.  I even had a really rough 2 hour wave yesterday evening that felt like acute.  Just as I was completely convinced that I was minutes away from a heart attack or something else just as sinister, it lifted.  It wasn't caused by anything that I can put a finger on, it just happened...complete with anxiety, fear, and health anxiety.  UGH!!  :'(

 

I woke up this morning about 4:00 to use the bathroom and I couldn't go back to sleep, other than dozing.  My morning anxiety is revved up again, and I even felt those blasted internal vibrations.  I could just cry!  I was sure that I was HEALED, with just a shadow of symptoms hitting me now and then.....but this week makes me question that. 

 

6 - 18 months is the "average" healing time, right?  I'm 14 1/2 and just so DONE with this!!   

 

Mommy, thanks for sharing what your doctor said!  It was comforting to read.

 

Healing prayers for you all,

HH

 

 

HH- I am so sorry this has come back to visit.  It's uncomfortable and draining.  The trembling surprised me too.  Even though my doctor assures me this will pass, I feel like I will be sweating myself thru the rest of my life.  If it helps, I felt a bit comforted that have some waviness returning.  Not because I want to bring you down, but because it lines up with exactly what the doctor said.  When I read your post from the other day about symptoms returning it actually gave me hope because you have been good for soooooo long and so functional.  I, of course, want you completely healed, but all of us have this terrible fear of being left behind.  That we will be that ONE person.  You have proven to me that great progress can be made even with the roller coaster ride. 

 

I told my mom how you are getting your master's AND teaching school all while going thru this.  I shared about your helping peace and the steadiness of your words in the prior months.  Your previous non wavy posts gave me hope too and raised the bar on my functionality spectrum.  I have not doubt you will return to what you were feeling a month ago and this wave will end.

 

Hold on HH.  I am still very encouraged by your progress.  I am sorry for this wave, but still following you and uplifted by where you are and how far you have come.

 

MommyR

 

MommyR,

Thanks for your wonderful response.  It made me feel better, even through uncomfortable symptoms.    I understand the worry about being the ONE person...I have had it often, even in the midst of much, much healing.  It must be a symptom in and of itself....rather like health anxiety.  This whole recovery process is unbelievable to me, all of the weird twists and turns, but I take comfort that so many are experiencing such similar feelings.  I can't imagine going through this without support like we have here! 

Love and healing to you!

HH

Again you are a comfort.  While I don't doubt this is withdrawal it's brutal.  chop wood carry water

Hi everyone. Looks like the thread has been active. Been in a wave and just getting do tired of this s$&@! I'm in NYC with family and can't seem to snap out if it. I am still struggling with the "is this Just me?" Symptoms. I am typing from a phone so it's hard to post. I pray that everyone gets windows. I'm just so tired as I look back this crap has put me in waves for two years now. I know in windows my perspective changes so sorry if I sound negative. God bless everyone!

 

Life

 

Buddy, it is NOT you. It is withdrawal.

 

It is "funny" (not "haha" but more like surprising) to me that many in withdrawal, as a general trend, seem to question whether or not what they're still experiencing at 6-12-18 month is "withdrawal" or "them". I haven't read all of the success stories by any means of course, but I've read quite a few. Most of them say that it took them at least past a year to recover fully, most of them within 2-3 years. Yet we, as a generality, still get tempted to question. I am not at that point yet, so it is still clear to me that it is withdrawal for you dears I can definitely see the temptation to believe otherwise though!! Y'all are normal. And you're not doing anything wrong Love this gang so much.

 

Enjoy NYC!!! I've never been there, but looking forward to going at some point in the future Take care buddy,

 

Mrs.

We need to have a party in NY when this is done...

Hi

 

Fog and anxiety lifted in the afternoon.  I did a social thing with the girls, and what a difference, just to feel like a regular, relaxed person, to laugh, not anguish over what I just said, not -- well, you all know, normal, nice.  Then by early evening nausea, queasy.  But it's okay, I can handle this when, as Coop says it, the whole band isn't playing.

 

Have a great night, everyone

WOW!!!  How wonderful Green!  I am so happy you got out.  This is wonderful news.

Just wanted to say hello I'm new in this thread. I'm just 6 months after last dose. I would like to celebrate but it isn't a good day ...

Hi MisioPL -  Welcome to the group.  You are in good company.. I am sorry this is rough for you.  Please share the good, bad and ugly.  We've all seen it, heard it and got the t-shirt. 

Hugs,

MommyR

Oh my! So much is going on and I was at work all day and I want to respond, but I really need to go to bed!

 

But before I do, I must share that I'm still in my window thing. It's not a full window, but it's pretty nice! I went to see my therapist tonight. I've known her for 18 months and she said, "Something in you has changed. I've never seen you like this." And I'm like, "We call it a window and I've not had one of any duration over the last 18 months. This is me. Nice to meet ya."

 

To all the moms and dads, getting off these drugs is the kindest thing you've ever done for your children. My mom went on benzos 20 years ago, when I was 16 and I've never 'seen' her since. She is a different person and it's very sad. She is following my story with some interest. I'm not sure she'll ever find her courage to take this long journey back. I understand what it takes. I understand she may not be up for it. But I miss her.

 

Off to bed. Sleep is the key. I love my family on this thread. No one gets left behind. Coop, will you change the name of the thread so that HH, Jenny, and Life will stick around?  Those people passing the 1 year marker  might leave us in the dust….

 

Peace2

Rejoicing with you Peace. 

I got back.

I feel awful. My body is vibrating like crazy and my palps follow that. I hope that things will get better soon, of course they will, why shouldn't they ?

I am just a little scared, because when Life had an external stressor, well not one, many, he had a 6 week wave. Not having  any windows to speak of, a wave might be a little too much for me to bear, emotionally, right now.

The nice thing is reading that so many on the thread are having  moments of normality. I can't wait to be the one telling a happy story soon.

Now, I am going to have lunch and rest, later I have a lesson.

The lesson, might make or break me. It will distract me from the bad news I got yesterday, but it might be too much for my poor tired brain\body.

Mr Sky says I am very pale and I do I look haggard . I feel that way, so it is no surprise but still, it would be nice if my face were not telling the whole story.

I have begun losing weight, mainly because I had to stop eating in the evening due to my " lump in the throat ". Of course, all the weight went away from my face but not my body !

There is nothing like weight loss to make you look sick.

I know I have bigger fish to fry than my looks. If I could be well now, I would trade my looks in a heartbeat. But looking at a healthy face in the mirror does a lot for positive reinforcement ! It has been months I have been avoiding looking at myself in the mirror, just like a vampire !

Mommy, a party really sounds great ! I don't know when my bank account may ever recover from this blow. Let's say my account went CT !

But I visualise this party we will have  in NYC. You guys have all met up, and we have a virtual party where I connect  with you online and we finally get to see faces matching our odd nicknames.

I bet I will be able to recognize you all from how you speak !

Music, all the food we can't eat now, and swap war stories. We will laugh till we have tears in our eyes.

Ok, enough with the daydreaming for now.

Hi kids,

Not a lot to report.  Was reading up on everyone's posts. 

Jenny - I want a dog too and love pugs.  My son demanded a dog, tree house and a swimming pool.  The dog sounds the best.

Happy Anniversary to those hitting mile stones.  Another month closer to this being over.

Sky - I know these waves are normal, but I understand the fear of extra stressors making things worse.  How could it get worse, right??  Stay in the now.  Don't project.  You are really good at the already. 

8 weeks of this now.  Praying for a break.  My days are pretty good, but at night I consider myself acute.  Last night I turned off the tv and prayed for 5 hours.  I think I got it.  Was up at 3am and still sit here at 5:30am.  My counselor told me to get up and away from the discomfort. 

I have decided to quit beating myself up for having what I consider to be a best case scenario of support and lean into it.  If I wake, the tv goes on or I get up.  I try to rest during the day and put no pressure on myself to do anything.  Hubby and my mom have really leaned into the doctors advice about needing more time to heal, so no pressure from them.

Panic is a tough one to deal with for an extended amount of time.  It doesn't like exercise or self talk.  The only reprieve I have gotten is when I found a scripture last night.. 

Psalm 28:7  My HEART trusted in and I am helped; therefore my HEART great rejoices. 

My heart has frightened me the most thru this 8 week wave.  When I read this it was like my heart, as an independent member of my body was trusting in God itself.  Kind of like the all of nature praises God, so the very cells in my body trust in him.  It quieted the panic last night and I was really excited. 

Okay, I am going to lay down for a few hours until my oldest needs to get up for school. 

Hugs and prayers,

MommyR

Good morning,

Oh how I love this thread and the support that is here!  I cling to it during tough times.  This wave still has bite to it and it has brought a lot of physical symptoms along with fear and anxiety.  I haven't felt this badly in a very long time, and that is hard to take.  I even went back to scrolling through back pages of the post-withdrawal thread looking for reassurance.  I did find a poster (I wasn't logged in so I don't know who it was) who said that she was hit with a huge wave about 15 months that brought lots of physical symptoms and then was completely healed by 18 months.  That gave me some hope that I needed this morning. 

This wave isn't constant, it cycles randomly throughout the day, but I feel lots of fear of getting worse.  :'( 

I am praying for you all and hoping for a good day for all of us! 

HH

Peace-- I'm so happy to hear about your window!

Sky-- I have a hard time looking in the mirror too, my face looks different and more worn. Sorry you are having a rough day, try not to worry it only makes everything worse.

Thanks for all the well wishes, Friday it will be a year and as of right now I'm feeling much better more healed.

I love this thread!! Jenny

Hi everyone;  Where and how are you Coop?  Well I hope and that is why you've been less active here. 

I'm not as far along as most of you but I have found this board to be the most informative and I feel I belong here with you guys.

I wanted to ask about the doubt that creeps in to everything I do while going through this.  Sometimes I feel like I could be normal but there seems to be a block in my brain that is very negative and full of fear.  I'll think I should go to the mall and just buy a new shirt or something normal but I feel scared ..... its hard to explain.  Do you guys understand?  it makes it so hard to move forward.  I feel awful but I feel better than before; clearer but it's almost worse because I see more clearly what is happening to me.

I finished a not so slow taper the 3rd week in April so I am approaching 5 months.

Any support with this would be appreciated. I'm back to crying most of the day.  Ugh. 

Life ... I had to stop "questioning" ... it was driving me nuts ... maybe after all this is "over" I will reflect on the "whys" and "hows" and "what fors" ... I am not in good enough shape yet to put myself through that ... and maybe I won't even bother ... my "method" now is not adding to the "stress" of my healing ...

 

All I need to know: 1) I got on the drug, 2) I got off the drug, 3) I am healing, and 4) I will not take the drug again ...

 

And the most important thing I "know" ... I am getting better and better ... I am no longer in hell, for now stopping over in limbo, on my way to heaven ...

 

All the rest is just day to day living ... and in the fullness of time this will be over ... in the mean time, acknowledge my "accomplishments", rest in my unlimited "patience", "be" where I am right now, use what I have "learned" these past three years, and when the time arrives, stroll graciously over the finish line ...

 

In the meantime, chop wood, carry water ...

 

Nova, boy did I ever need to hear that.  I need to keep this very simple, just like that.  Thank you