6-12 month thread....

I have managed to crawl and hobble to month six...and I am disillusioned and pissed off. From the beginning of my taper I set month six as my goal post. This mile marker got me through taper,  acute w/d , acute p/w ( a term I made up myself to describe the torture of month 2 1/2- 4 1/2 of my post jump which was in its own right every bit the horror of weeks 6-12 of my taper(, an er crisis and days and nights of panic,  anxiety, intrusive dire existential thought,  depression , agoraphobia and paralyzing hypochondria. I maintained unwavering faith in the process of w/d with healing being the logical outcome if I just stuck with it. I stuck with it ....and my expectations as it turns out have been ( surprise surprise)  unrealistic. ...I could have surmised as much from the lack of ' six month ' success stories. ....How did I miss that while focused on month six ( sarcasm). The silly truth is that I thought I would be healed or mostly healed by month six. Without this little self deception I never would have made it to month six. ...Well the high is up!... Month six is not much better than month five ..month five was not much better than month 4. ....

....After wailing,  whining, lamenting and trying to make deals witty the benzo gods , I have after a week of despair ...come to the same resolve that got me this far...the only way out is through. I am weary worn out, battle fatigued,  unbelieving, jaded and completely disillusioned. I have spent a week I. in self pity......I am now trying to dig as deep as I can to find my misplaced resiliency and motivation. to keep it going another six months.

....In reading posts from the board over the last week or so I find myself in plenty of company.  There are several of us worn out, disappointed and doubtful after hitting month six with the same, new or worsening s/x. I think we need to ban together and hold each other up for the next stretch of this marathon without a clear route.

...So I am starting this thread ...if you are 6-12 months off and still trudging uphill ..chime in maybe some power in numbers will help us all.

 

 

.......I will start:...

....I actually don't even know where to start ...I feel like many of my days and nights are still very acute-ish with the discouragement of new s/x thrown in for a little extra misery.

.....anxiety...panic....existential dire intrusive thoughts....weakness...fatigue...return of palps

.....return of b/p spikes...insomnia ...loss of appetite....depression....huge hypochondria..

A few things are better: 

....agoraphobia was almost gone...until recently.....dizziness is less ..crying is less....

....d/r is infrequent.....concentration is often better than in acut.

......I hope some of you who have 6 month disappointment will come on and add your weary voice ...I really want to believe I am not the only one who is treading water at 6-12 months.

.......thanks for any replies....here 's to much much better progress by Christmas.. ...coop

Coop,

 

Great new idea for a thread! I understand how you feel at month 6 as I did too. I'm now in month 7.5 and I am telling you that it's like a roller coaster on steroids. I am having more frequent windows (yeah!!!!) but getting shorter and frequent waves. The treand is much better and I feel like we are going to have bunch of success stories coming out of this thread in the montsh that follow, Coop included!!!! I should hope we can post all the good stuff too as encouragement to others. This is a great idea for a thread!

 

Peace and God,

Life

Life...thanks for that boost....yes the positives, that is what we need the most. I agree, I think we will see big strides in the second six months...I will be following you for inspiration as you are out further than me...thanks Life...wishing you more of those windows...thanks for the light of hope....peace to you too....coop

I'd like to join in over here, too. In month six, struggling with fear, dread, health anxiety and general fear of future.  Wondering if it's really still w/d or just me now.  Good stuff.

I'm hoping in too, I'd love to hear how everyone is doing. We are all long the same timeline , or very close. I was is a 2 week wave, sx were apathetic, no energy, some negative thinking, stomach issues are bad, cortisil surge in morning is really screwing with my sleep. The last few days I've been in a nice window, still low on energy and poor sleep but my mind feels clear and my mood is happy.

Jenny,

Have you found anything to help with the dreaded morning cortisol surges?  Or read anything about when this finally goes away?  I am getting really frustrated with this particular symptom! 

I've been having a tough weekend, very wavey. Just when things were going really good and I'm thinking that it's almost over....sigh.    I guess I need more than 10 months to heal up.  I'm still holding out hope for 12 months, though! 

Hi Floc. ...All of the s/x that you described are common to w/d. I am experiencing the same Health fear is a big one for me. I think if you did not have the s/x before benzos and/or they disappear in a window , its a pretty good bet they are w/d s/x and not " just you ".

....You are probably using everything in your arsenal...so the passage of time seems to be our best fall back.. it just seems to take so MUCH time...I have had good luck with Hylands Calm Forte for taking the edge off of fear and anxiety. They are homeopathic safe little tablets. You can take them several times a day. ..or night.

.  .I hope things start easing up for you soon ...hope you catch a sunbreak. ..coop

Jenny.  Sounds like you are in a pretty good place. I hope to be where you are when I hit .month 10. I know you have encouragement and survival tips for us. ...

....thanks for coming on....your progress is motivating to me.  .wishing you big long lasting windows...coop

Jenny,

Have you found anything to help with the dreaded morning cortisol surges?  Or read anything about when this finally goes away?  I am getting really frustrated with this particular symptom! 

I've been having a tough weekend, very wavey. Just when things were going really good and I'm thinking that it's almost over....sigh.    I guess I need more than 10 months to heal up.  I'm still holding out hope for 12 months, though! 

 

 

 

Hi healing,

 

The only thing I have read that helps is vitamin c, I already take a lot of it( 3,000 mg per day) but it is still a really hard sx  for me. I wish someone could tell us when this goes away or eases up. Do you have any stomach issues? My benzo belly is bad, wish it would ease up too. I'm looking forward to hopefully going as well as you in a couple of months. Take care, jenny

Coop,

Like you I also set 6 months off as a time to reflect. I thought I'd be a lot better at that point. Boy was I wrong and very disappointed! I got a wave at 5.5 months off that lasted to about the end of the 6th month. Now at 8 months out its happening again. Hope it gets better for you soon.

life4me - "roller coaster on steroids" - I got a nice smile with that image, thanks.

 

BBs - I am 7 months out - wax and wane, wax and wane - emotionally, I find this process "boring" at this time. I need to watch that I do not go down an apathy path. I do at least one thing outside of my home each per day. Some days I can complete it, somedays I have to turn around and come back. On really good days I can get two or three trips out.

 

Mentally, I know for me this is all about Time. I know that there is "no one size fits all". For me, this will take as long as it takes. And somedays my response to that is  .

 

I do not have any remedies for myself or others on this journey. I chose to come off this drug and I have to renew each day, sometimes each minute, the promise I made myself to "stay the course" and come out the other side.

 

coop - thanks for the thread.

 

I try to post when I can, but often I find it really hard to "engage" my brain. But, I am listening and holding as my stories as I can.

 

Take care all, we will all heal.

Eight months out today and having a bad day. Major dramas at the weekend sent me spiralling into a horrible wave. I just cannot handle stress of any kind right now, so big events leave me really whacked out. Extant symptoms include stiff neck, head pains/sensations, emotional and cognitive blunting and anhedonia/depression. The overall trend is upward though - I try to remind myself of that when I am in a wave like today's. I wish you all speedy healing.

Almost 9 months out and for the last month or so I have been having pain in my hands and feet and my left thumb is especially painful and slightly swollen.  It is tough to bend it all the way.  Month 8 has been very rough.  I hope this lets up soon.

Thanks for all the great responses. They have already helped me take a fresh look at my p/w and reframe my expectations. It is very clear to me after reading the posts here that due to my own pie in the sky hopes for better days by month 6, I set myself up for disappointment.

.......I am now looking at the second 6 months as a new beginning with the thought that in June I will be a tiny bit further than half way to one year off. I love Nova 's strategy of recommitting anew each day...today that seems possible....It was also supportive to read that Nova makes a plan to get out once a day....and that sometimes she has to turn back. Nova, that really helped me not feel so freaked out about not making it to my grandsons classrooms every volunteer day. It sets a tone for letting go of each day as it ends and taking each new day on its own. I was able to do that in the early months of p/w.

.......I am realizing that medical appointments are more stressful than before Ben,is...before benzos I didn't go to the doctor except for yearly physical...then I got hit with Meniers, ativan and breast surgery. I am spacing out medical appointments with the support of my oncologist and pdoc. I will be more prepared for set backs following medical appointments.

.....I am planning a low stress summer ..limiting my activities as much as possible to open ended activities that I enjoy...seeing my grandsons, taking care of my garden, working on a little interior make over of my apartment and showing a friend who is new to my city some of the great places of my little corner of the world.

...Today my s/x are more on a neutral baseline.  I will get ready to go to school, but if it doesn't work out I will let go of it ..and try again. on Friday.

......Thanks so much.  .your comments have been so helpful....wishing all of you continued progress and sunbreaks.....coop

Healing, I have the cortisol surges and morning anxiety too....for me the only thing that helps I'd to get up right away...have some protein ( even if I don't feel like eating) ...On really hard mornings I might take a Hylands Calm Forte homeopathic for anxiety.

.....It is a terrible feeling to wake up to...distraction also helps...it is impossible for me to go back to sleep so I just get up and do some quiet things.  Not very encouraging, but the best I have...

......hope this lifts for you Healing.....wishing you better mornings.....coop

I have managed to crawl and hobble to month six...and I am disillusioned and pissed off. From the beginning of my taper I set month six as my goal post. This mile marker got me through taper,  acute w/d , acute p/w ( a term I made up myself to describe the torture of month 2 1/2- 4 1/2 of my post jump which was in its own right every bit the horror of weeks 6-12 of my taper(, an er crisis and days and nights of panic,  anxiety, intrusive dire existential thought,  depression , agoraphobia and paralyzing hypochondria. I maintained unwavering faith in the process of w/d with healing being the logical outcome if I just stuck with it. I stuck with it ....and my expectations as it turns out have been ( surprise surprise)  unrealistic. ...I could have surmised as much from the lack of ' six month ' success stories. ....How did I miss that while focused on month six ( sarcasm). The silly truth is that I thought I would be healed or mostly healed by month six. Without this little self deception I never would have made it to month six. ...Well the high is up!... Month six is not much better than month five ..month five was not much better than month 4. ....

....After wailing,  whining, lamenting and trying to make deals witty the benzo gods , I have after a week of despair ...come to the same resolve that got me this far...the only way out is through. I am weary worn out, battle fatigued,  unbelieving, jaded and completely disillusioned. I have spent a week I. in self pity......I am now trying to dig as deep as I can to find my misplaced resiliency and motivation. to keep it going another six months.

....In reading posts from the board over the last week or so I find myself in plenty of company.  There are several of us worn out, disappointed and doubtful after hitting month six with the same, new or worsening s/x. I think we need to ban together and hold each other up for the next stretch of this marathon without a clear route.

...So I am starting this thread ...if you are 6-12 months off and still trudging uphill ..chime in maybe some power in numbers will help us all.

 

 

.......I will start:...

....I actually don't even know where to start ...I feel like many of my days and nights are still very acute-ish with the discouragement of new s/x thrown in for a little extra misery.

.....anxiety...panic....existential dire intrusive thoughts....weakness...fatigue...return of palps

.....return of b/p spikes...insomnia ...loss of appetite....depression....huge hypochondria..

A few things are better: 

....agoraphobia was almost gone...until recently.....dizziness is less ..crying is less....

....d/r is infrequent.....concentration is often better than in acut.

......I hope some of you who have 6 month disappointment will come on and add your weary voice ...I really want to believe I am not the only one who is treading water at 6-12 months.

.......thanks for any replies....here 's to much much better progress by Christmas.. ...coop

I am right here with you coop I think we are living the same life!!! HANG IN THERE. I did make it to work today! WOW I AM NUTTS! I live minute by minute...

 

Happy

My Cortisol searches have mostly gone, thank goodness! I too had to reframe my expectations, Cooperten. I had it in my crazily optimistic head that I would be healed by last Christmas. My GP said that he thought I would be completely recovered two or three months post-taper and I kind of took that on faith.

I'm now thinking that this Xmas is more likely. Certainly that would be around 14 months post-taper, which was the average length of healing reported on that survey. My baseline has been slowly improving but it feels like it will be forever at this rate. 

I really hope I suddenly just turn a corner, as some here report.

I do consider myself LUCKY, Even though having acute issues.

 

I drive

I work

I go out to get groceries and shop when my body isn't being all weird

I can do meetings and stuff when my body don't go back to acute

I was eating almost normal till acute hit me so back to the no msg no gluten

I have not missed any work took 4 weeks off for acute other than that missed no days

I drink one cup of coffee with creamer in it daily

 

My hairs falling out bad I been saving it!! if I need it later for law suit! and acute panic attacks the last few days, but I do sleep for the most part in acute I slept 0!!!!

 

Happy

 

I have a ton against me but also a ton going for me

Hi Coop

 

I also thought I would be finished with this by month 6.  And not only wasn't I finished, I got hit with a major wave, never saw it coming.  Crushed under a boatload of acute symptoms, I just lost it.  I was enraged, furious, thinking I'm not doing this anymore, I don't care, I'm not.  But of course I am.  There is no way out but through.  In hiking (which I used to love) some trails have what they call a point of no return.  Meaning once you climb past a certain point, you can't turn back, you have to keep going forward or else you'll be stuck on the face of the mountain, exposed to everything.  And to me that's what withdrawal is -- no matter how bad it gets, I can't turn back, I can't run, I can't hide, I can't reinstate, I can't get drunk, I can't take a pill, there's no relief  - I just have to keep going.  Even when my mind feels dangerously close to cracking under the strain.  And for six months I've been hanging in there.  But when I passed my "anniversary date" I melted down.  Had a tantrum.  Like I can't keep doing this, I can't do another six months of this insanity.  But of course I will.  I have no choice.  I'll have to get some wave wear, scuba gear, wetsuit, surf board, and just do it.

I used to have the 6 month timeline, then 12 months. The "average" healing time is 14 months, so that is my new timeline. If I heal sooner GREAT, if not I have no choice but to keep chugging along....

Okay, Jenny, 12 to 14 months.

Okay, Jenny, 12 to 14 months.

 

 

:thumbsup: :thumbsup:

I know this is very disappointing for all of us here, we just want the days to pass by quickly so that we have more time under our belts for healing. I thought I would be much more improved than i am at 9 1/2 months out.

I still have all of my symptoms just to a lower degree. While I'm getting more windows they seem to close very quickly and the waves are so hard to get thru.

I find myself wishing my life away, very long days when you are suffering. I watch the clock everyday waiting for night time to get here because it's when my symptoms are lower and I just want the day over with.

This has been a long hard journey for us and I am keeping all of you in my daily prayers.

Keep up the good work of staying the course..we will get there.

Been on the "roller coaster on steriods" since it woke me up at 2 am. No walking today. Did my 4 hours of work (I work from home). Sweaty, chilled, blurry vision, thick head and stuffed up ears, benzo flu-ey pains all the usual stuff. Lots of floating anxiety, no panic stuff. I think panic got bored with me and gave up when I stopped listening.

 

Oh well ... tomorrow is another day, and today will get added to the past. "Stay the course".

 

Take care all. Good healing.