cirerecrem (Eric) - No more blame game

Gary aka gaer recently made a great post that inspired me to go ahead and post here.  I am always hesitant to proclaim success for fear of faltering.  I have always despisedpeople that vocalize one thing to the world and yet dont live up to that.  However Garys post made me realize that success isnt about being perfect.  Heck i think we would all consider Warren Buffet a success but i am sure not every investment he makes is a winner.

 

So perhaps i will take the easy way out and post the last entry i made on my blog.  It pretty much sums up the way things stand...

 

As you will see, there continues to be improvement.  That is not saying it is perfect.  I have been going through some crazy busy times and I can tell it is pushing my boundaries.  There was one time last week that I was getting into my truck after the 4th project of the day and my body started to shake and spasm.  Before it would have worried me and spiraled into days of anxiety or a panic attack at the moment.  Now I recognize I am pushing myself, I write down those positive feelings that it is just my bodies way of saying "take it easy" and I relax and let it pass.  I dont blame the benzo for this.  After all, i am experiencing all the stress and experiences of life without a drug governor on the throttle for the first time in 7 years.  Think back to the first time you were thrown into life -  you were eased into it from under your parents wings, the guidance of school, etc.  Now we have been dumped in the deep end after floating on raft, with no more arm floaties or life vest.  Of course we are gonna sink from time to time.  With that said here is a summary from the calendar i keep charting if i was Good or Bad three times a day.....

 

September - 20% Good 80% Bad

October - 26% Good, 74% Bad

November - 46% Good, 54% Bad

December - 57% Good, 43% Bad

January - 69% Good, 31% Bad

February - 78% Good, 22% Bad

March - 92% Good, 8% Bad

 

And other than random updates, I repeat below....

 

As for where I am.  Healed? Still dealing with lingering issues?  I don’t know.  I don’t know what is pre-existing, what is left over ingrained sxs that I am slowly pushing out the door, what is just aging, what is residual from being inactive for almost a year, etc.  I do know that I am in a much better place than I was during the taper and during the first parts of withdrawal, and I have been in this place for over a month.  I have been through some crazy hectic and emotional periods in the past few weeks and it really didn’t set me back or put me in a tailspin.

 

I have low physical tolerance to exercise – but I have been inactive for almost a year.

I don’t handle stressful situations or crowds well – but I haven’t had to deal with them without some kind of medication help in years.

I’m not sleeping well – but my lady tells me I am snoring really badly for a month now so that has messed it up.

I still get dizzy – but that was a sxs that became ingrained as a response to anxious situations and I am pushing it out.

I get anxious on the highway or on bridges – but that has been with me long before the benzos.

I still get negative thoughts – but this also was with me long before the benzos.

 

So what is left is pretty much me.  I’m done blaming the benzos.  I can’t eat junk food, feel like crap, and then blame the drug when I have never handled junk well.  I can’t drink caffeine, feel jittery, and blame the benzos when I have never handled caffeine well.  I can’t keep emotions bottled up, have them push me over the edge, and blame the benzos.  I can’t not exercise for a year, get winded when I do, and then blame the benzos.  Eventually that has to stop.  The blame game allows us to channel some emotions at an enemy and it helps when it is justified, but at some point I have to let that go.  I am partially to blame for the predicament I got into with these drugs.

 

I am working, i am laughing, i am able to do things without reaching for a pill, i have developed coping skills that work most of the time.  I consider that success.

 

Anyway.  I wish nothing but love and healing to everyone here.

Sounds good to me 

Great post, Eric.  Love your attitude and so glad you're doing so well and moving on with your life. 

cirerecrem - reading from the outside, it sounds great.

 

You may and are fully entitles to disagree - but It reads like to me that you are just developing ways to cope with life that you didnt have and couldnt develop whilst taking benzos. This is how I feel about my situation too in many ways - that for a few years whilst on benzos, that I missed the opportunity to learn how to "do life" - for want of a better way to describe it.

 

Now the benzos are disappearing for me, life has started flooding in and my emotions are being forced to cope. Not going to be easy - but Im really looking forward to having a go without any protective sheild.

 

I like you daily "ho do I feel" graph too, may try something similar myself as it makes the improvement easy to see.

 

Good stuff.

Great report! The healing will continue!

Eric...I am so happy to read your success story. It sounds like success to me. I think we have to remember our lives before benzos were not without bad days. If I get to where you are I will consider myself healed.

....I have been watching for someone who was on the boards when I first came on to post a success story. I jumped 4 months after you ( and borrowed your spot on "hopped off ") .It gives me so much encouragement to see your post here. I am somewhat disappointed that at nearly 6 months off I am not where I want to be. I put alot of expectations on month 6. I have been reading over the posts and 12-14 months seems typical. 2-3 years seems common. The 2-3 years scares me so I will be reading your success story many times. Intrusive thoughts are my biggest issue right now, otherrwise I would be 65-70% on most days.  How long did your intrusive thoughts hang out?

.....Good for you Eric...so glad for you...keep us posted...it is wonderful to hear from buddies who are back in life by 12 months...Enjoy your recovered life....coop

You have the BEST attitude.  I wish you well.  And thank you.

Hi Eric, I feel identified with a lot of what you wrote. Benzos also became ingrained in my psyche, I would allow myself to feel any amount of anxiety without reaching for a tablet. So I forgot how to cope with anxiety on my own. Now I'm learning again something that's actually innate in us humans. 

So, congratulations! and I'm inspired by your story.   

Great post and great attitude, Eric.  Especially where you said 'So what is left is pretty much me.'  This is what it comes down to.  How we handle what life throws at us is up to us, stripped of benzos, and I admire the way you are moving forward.

 

Ellen 

Eric,

 

So much of what you write feels like you are writing it about me, seriously. A huge amount of your experiences parallel mine.

 

I truly believe some of us are born luckier re inheriting a genetic makeup that makes it easy for us to be calm, easy-going, all that. My father was one of the most easy-going people I have ever known. That was simply his nature. I don't think he was any where near as intelligent as I am, and he would have been one of the first to say so.

 

He had rather rigid beliefs but rarely argued with anyone, self-contained, sort of lived in his own comfortable world and liked it that way. No high blood pressure, problems with cholesterol, no nerves, no insomnia, rarely in a bad mood. I do not recall seeing him depressed, ever. The man did not exercise, and he ate and drank ANYTHING he wanted. Hardly a sick day in his life until he was almost 85.

 

He didn't earn this. Other people like him don't either. It's not too different from the reason some people will never have a weight problem, or will never have serious physical problems.

 

It's not that easy for most of us, and it is very hard for some of us from the time we were born.

 

Sometimes when people say to me, "Why do you worry so much?" I am tempted to answer something like this:

 

"For the same reason you are short and not very bright. You were born that way. I was born anxious, fool."

 

But I don't say such things, which is another disadvantage more intelligent people have who consciously hold back from leveling with stupid people.

 

I wasn't a super happy person before benzos, I was not ON them, so (as we have discussed before), if I get even close to ACTING like a well-adjusted person "in public", I'll have to get to someplace I never got to before in my life.

 

Gary

Hi Eric,

This is great news!

 

I followed your blog off and on after the completion of your taper and I am so happy to see that things are good for you now!

Thanks everyone for chiming in.  I am not perfect, but I never was.

 

The last two things that have had me really worried are the benzo belly and intolerance to exercise.  I was just put on antibiotics for an ear, throat and lung infection and the benzo belly has gone away - perhaps there is an overgrowth of something that is causing this issue???

 

The second was getting very short of breath even walking up a hill or stairs or a distance of more than a few hundred feet.  The logical side of my brain could point out "hey dumbass, before you started this activity you started dreading it and getting worried that you would be short of breath and your heart would start thudding, so of course it happened!!!"  But I had a followup with my cardiologist and they ordered a calcium scan that looks for blockages.  I had a big fat 0 score, which means absolutely no signs of CAD according to that scan - so this isn't caused by some massive blockage getting ready to rupture lol.  It is caused by my anxious brain that is anticipating a problem and thus producing it.  Kind of funny how I can walk upstairs at home and never have an issue (because I didn't think about it), but in public I get gassed (because I thought about it).

 

Anyway, thanks again to everyone and keep on plugging along!

I was just put on antibiotics for an ear, throat and lung infection and the benzo belly has gone away - perhaps there is an overgrowth of something that is causing this issue???

 

Hi Eric,

 

You might have had a small bacterial infection in your digestive tract w/o knowing it.  At least benzo belly is gone.  With the antibiotic, be careful of an overgrowth of yeast.  (I always take otc acidophilus tablets while on an antibiotic).

 

As for your being short of breath, it could be a sign of anxiety as you suggested, a result of little exercise or a bit of both.  Maybe you can try to start a mild exercise program.  Not trying to tell you what to do, just putting out suggestions

 

Ellen

Hey Eric,

 

I am so happy you are feeling better and I know the healing will only continue.

Keep moving forward.

 

Much love and healing,

Causing

Eric, I have extreme shortness of breath at the oddest of times. I got hit by a giant wave today - NO idea why it happened. We found a leaky toilet in our bedroom, but there is no giant flood. Well, maybe it was the FEAR of a huge leak that freaked me out.

 

We have had major plumbing problems and extensive water damage in the past, so my fear of water is not 100% unreasonable. My wife told of the problem in the morning, when I had barely any sleep (I just got up to go to the bathroom), so bye bye sleep. I did start to drop off again, but immediately I had a nightmare about everything overflowing and spreading through our whole place. Nothing lucid about the dream, but total recall. I don't understand how dreams can be so surreal and therefore so exaggerated, and yet they feel 100% realistic while we are in them. And at least for me the leave an after-effect of total terror.

 

So goodbye eating for the day, because I immediately got really sick to my stomach.

 

It's been an awful day, but even so I made my 3 miles, only walking kind of fast because of the nausea. I'm feeling far from great, but I feel better than before the walk.

 

You might add to "no more blame game": "no more excuses". I'm being pushy here, but set some kind of minimum exercise for yourself, just do it daily, and set it to something you can push through on bad days.

 

Then start logging your progress. Maybe start right now, because you know tests show that you have no blockage.

 

I get TERRIBLE heart pounding when the major anxiety hits - as today - and I always feel like my heart is going to explode. My heart rate is SLOWER after the walking, and some amount of the nausea has eased up - which is the only reason I am able to type this.

 

Shortness of breath is part of it, and strangely it happens every time I bend over. When I dress for work, and start to almost gasp when I bend over to put on my socks, then put on shoes and tie my laces.

 

A day or two ago I felt like I was getting a blister while running, so I sat down, pulled off my right shoe, adjusted my right sock, and so on. While doing that I was breathing like I just ran a super fast marathon. But I was not winded BEFORE I sat down, and my breathing actually slowed when I resumed running.

 

I had NOTHING like this before withdrawal. I hope someone will explain it to me, or at least tell me that they have had the same thing.

 

But serious, try some kind of exercise, not pushups or pullups, because that exhausts you in a minute or so. At least walk. Start out with 15 minuts. Or 10 minutes. Or 5 minutes. Log it, then go from there.

 

Or at least try it.

 

I'll shut up now. I hate advice, by the way.

 

Gary

Gary you may hate advice but it is good advice.  I have two week job where I am standing and walking all day long.  Granted it isn't to exert myself but it is a start and better than sitting all day.  Funny how I can do that and not be out of breath but if I think I am doing it for exercise then I gasp lol.

 

I get the bending thing too and think it is from holding my breath unknowingly.  And it sounds like your day was plenty to give you a wave or at least a momentary overload as you deal with a whole new set of woes without benzos!

Eric - Congrats on your success story. You have a positive attitude like myself and I think that helps us get through this experience a little better and perhaps a little faster. Continue to heal my friend and suck every good drop out of life that you can !

Nicely done, Eric!

.. Luke

Thanks everyone for stopping by.

 

Just an update.  I think things continue to improve.  I have been doing most everything without anxiety or panic. Normal emotions and responses seem to have returned.

 

I have been exercising - somewhat - I got a pullup bar for my office and I started slow (for me) with a plan for daily that increases by one total pullup a day for 30 days.  Started doing sets of 8,7,6,5,4.  I've also been forcing myself to be more active and walk around.  Good news is that most of that "Warning-body is short circuiting" feeling that I would get is gone and I can already see muscle mass/fullness coming back after a week.

 

So all in all things are looking up but I really need to get a handle on the sleep because I know that will catch up to me.

 

My guts still bother me with heartburn and weird spasms and cramps.  The only thing that has gotten worse is my sleep.  I am wired until midnight, have started waking up around 1 or 2, then drift back off and sleep soundly until the alarm.

Eric, it seems to me that compared with where you were a year ago your improvement is pretty miraculous. Fingers crossed for your continuing improvement.

 

Gary 

Well here is an update. I won't call it a set back but a learned response to stress. Intense stress at the moment in the form of my 14 year old daughter being in a mental treatment program for anxiety and depression.  Out of the blue a first time therapy session for what I thought was just anxiety and she was admitted that day.  It has hit me harder than any stressful event has ever hit me in the past. Benzo or not. Mentally I seem to be handling it well. Sort of. Physically my sxs are back. Not all of them but the body spasms and inner trembling. Carrying groceries to the car and I felt like my whole body was gonna short circuit.

 

Anyway, I don't call it benzo sxs or reteun of withdrawal. During the process of withdrawal and taper and that intense stress my body reacted in certain ways. Now that I am under immense stress again the previously ingrained physical reactions come back. A learned response if you will. Or even like aggravating a muscle that was previously pulled.

 

The good though is that the coping skills I learned have seriously kept me from panic attacks and mental breaks. And believe me they have been close and wanting to break through.

Hi Eric,

 

So sorry to hear about your daughter, this would be a stressful situation even pre benzo. Our CNS are still so sensitive, it takes time. Its great to hear your coping skills are better, have you tried meditation? It has recently really helped me with my anxiety. Keep us updated, it is great to hear from you. Take care, jenny

Proud of you, buddy You're doing great And she will be okay These things take time to get back on track (as we all know!)

 

Take care,

 

Mrs.

A little over one year off. I go weeks without thinking about the benzos. Not because I am completely care free but because I think I have learned to cope much better. Not to say I am perfect. I still get these horrific flare ups of the benzo belly especially when I get stresses. I still get these amped up anxious feeling the night after the gym. But all in all I handle stress far better than before the benzos. It is so liberating to know I don't have to grab a pill before a party or a job or a drive or anything.

 

Yes I am still getting over the benzos but I am past blaming and thinking about them and seem to be getting on with life. Don't get me wrong. On occasion I will think of how nice it would be to take one to calm down or ride out a situation but there is something powerful in experiencing all of these things.

A little over one year off. I go weeks without thinking about the benzos. Not because I am completely care free but because I think I have learned to cope much better. Not to say I am perfect. I still get these horrific flare ups of the benzo belly especially when I get stresses. I still get these amped up anxious feeling the night after the gym. But all in all I handle stress far better than before the benzos. It is so liberating to know I don't have to grab a pill before a party or a job or a drive or anything.

 

Yes I am still getting over the benzos but I am past blaming and thinking about them and seem to be getting on with life. Don't get me wrong. On occasion I will think of how nice it would be to take one to calm down or ride out a situation but there is something powerful in experiencing all of these things.

 

You are awesome! And such an inspiration. Keep on!

 

Mrs.