[me...] Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 I'm now two years off Xanax and doing better than I have for many years! Though Xanax did wonders for my panic and anxiety, I didn't realize until recently how much it had taken away from my life. Once a successful painter, I lost all desire to paint while on xanax. My senses were muted to the point that I missed much of the beauty in life. I was apathetic and inactive. I gained a lot of weight. I had memory and cognitive problems which worried me a great deal, and I began to think that these might be permanent. Once I was finally off Xanax, it took over a year for most of my symptoms to subside. Only one was left, but it was the most frightening of all as far as I was concerned - cognitive problems and brain fog. I was 63, and deeply afraid that this would never leave me. But, as I passed the 18 month off point a miracle began to unfold. The mind-fog started to lift. Things became clearer and brighter. My creative urges slowly reawakened. I'm experiencing a personal renaissance of sorts. At 24 months off this miracle is continuing, and I'm starting to paint again! Getting off, and staying off Xanax has been the hardest thing I've ever done, but it has been worth it. I continued to heal well past the one year mark, and even past the two year mark. If I can do this, you can too! This is my "One Year Off Xanax" success story, from March 2013: In the late 1990's I started to experience palpitations and tachycardia, which in turn generated panic attacks that got worse and worse as time went on. I soon developed an intense fear of the panic attacks themselves, anticipatory fear, which is common in "panic disorder." When I was prescribed xanax for the first time in 1999, I thought it was a gift from heaven. It worked beautifully, no more palpitations and no more panic attacks. I took it for many years before I developed tolerance, which I first noticed when i began to run out of pills before the end of each month. To make a long story short, I eventually realized that xanax was a double-edged sword which was sapping my mind and my creativity. I'd been a successful painter (animals, birds, plants), even making a living from my art. But while on xanax I lost all desire to paint, or do much of anything. I made two unsuccessful attempts to get off xanax in 2005 and 2009, reinstating at a higher dose each time. Then finally, in early 2012, I rapidly tapered, crossed over to valium, and off on March 18, 2012. My prescription had been cut off, so I couldn't do a longer taper. But the taper went smoothly, and I only had symptoms once I was off. They were overwhelming: Withdrawal Symptoms at 0-5 months off: Anxiety: Extreme anxiety in the mornings, waking at 4 am, hypervigilance, out-of-the-blue panic Senses: Altered, distorted and extremely acute hearing, smell, taste, hyperosmia Eyes: Red, painful, dry, Visual distortions, minor hallucinations, floaters, etc. Head Sys: Congestion, pain, cog fog, head zaps, earaches, headaches, sinus problems Body: Extreme flushing, sweating, chills, pains, temp. hair loss, vertigo, insomnia, vivid dreams Muscles: Stiffness, pain, twitching, facial tics, hand tremors, restless leg syndrome Nerves: Raw, exposed, "open wound" feeling all over--absolutely excruciating! Mental: Depression, obsessive, intrusive thoughts, morbid thoughts, racing mind, agoraphobia, DP/DR, and extreme hypochondria with countless imagined health issues! Starting in month 5, my symptoms began to lessen, and slowly but steadily got better. I had windows and waves. A non-linear rollercoaster ride, but in general I still felt worst in the morning and much better by evening each day. When I started having severe mental symptoms I desperately looked for a way to regain "control." I found it in self-distraction, which I applied obsessively at first. It became an ingrained habit, and I began to look forward to my favorite distractions. I began to relax a little, and during months 6-12 the healing really accelerated. Besides distraction, I've done meditation and other spiritual practices. All of these took my mind off my symptoms for awhile. In the afternoons when I started feeling better I'd relax, read, nap, or watch tv. Nothing strenuous. I eat what I want and drink half/caff coffee (helps the cog-fog). Remaining symptoms at one year off: Head symptoms, though slowly improving, are still with me. The zaps have stopped, but congestion, foggyness, and at times, pain, remain, especially early in the day. Physical symptoms: almost all gone, with the exception of occasional restless legs, and rarely, mild vertigo. Mental symptoms: mostly gone, but I still have occasional racing thoughts when in a "wave," My anxiety level is now much lower than it was before benzos. This is remarkable since I was prescribed xanax for anxiety! When I took my last benzo a year ago I didn't really have any faith that I could do this. I'd tried it twice before and failed. But with the help of BenzoBuddies, I finally managed it. At three months off I got rid of my stash of xanax, and I never took a "rescue dose." The hardest thing for me was learning how to live and cope with my anxiety without xanax. I never thought I was a particularly strong person, but now I know I am. I've proved it! If I can do this, you can too! :smitten: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[su...] Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Hi Megan, Wow, this is so encouraging. I am one year free from 5mg of Klonopin and I am having the same troubles you described. I am having brain fog, confusion and other symptoms. It feels like it will never end. It is so great to hear you are getting your motivation and creativity back.. Thanks for posting this! Love you, Summer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[pi...] Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 :smitten: :smitten:Megan :smitten: Thanks for this update, I'm thrilled you are starting to paint again. A renaissance indeed! PG Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Ch...] Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 What an uplifting post, Megan! I have goosebumps from head to toe. For those of you reading for hope, I'm a week behind Megan with a very similar outcome. Challis Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[ge...] Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Thank you for the update! It's nice to know the cog fog eventuslly lifts. It is sure a persistent symptom. Glad you are back to painting and being creative Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[su...] Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Hi Challis, I am reading this for hope and inspiration! Thank you for your input as well. I am so looking forward to feeling that well. Not there yet. Just doing this one day at a time. Love you, Summer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Fr...] Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Hi Megan, Thanks for posting this exciting update. How incredible is that - you're back painting!!! But having the brain fog clear is incredible too. I am so thrilled for you and excited about your future. Your posts are inspirational and moving and your importance here on this forum is infinite. Please keep posting:). I love hearing about your artwork and how all your enthusiasm for life and art has returned. I am an artist too and hope to follow in your recovery footsteps as I have many of the same horrible symptoms you had. The feeling of nerve endings being raw is something that is so tough for me right now. Well actually the symptoms seem to cycle and not one is easy to deal with. Keep it up. Sounds like life is ever expanding in its wonder for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Mo...] Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 Wonderful News Megan, i wish you many happy Years to come , great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[me...] Posted March 28, 2014 Author Share Posted March 28, 2014 Thank you, everyone! I'm glad my story can help inspire others. Getting off benzos isn't easy, but it is worth it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Ja...] Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 So happy for you Megan. You are an inspiration to all of us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Ca...] Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 Megan...what a wonderful two year update! Thank you! It must feel wonderful to paint again. I am so happy for you. I needed this ray of hope tonight. Warmly, Carita Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest [wi...] Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 Dear Megan, Congratulations on your new, better life. You are such an inspiration. You deserve the very best. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[sq...] Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 This is so encouraging - congratulations on your recovery and the words of hope! As another "mature" member of the forum, it's hard to know how much of the brain fog is benzo related, declining estrogen, depression, dementia or a combination of them all. Hope is what propels us all - thanks for helping provide us with something we all can use. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[ma...] Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 This is wonderful Megan I so pleased you are painting again, this update will inspire a lot of members. I Know it will keep on getting better and better for you, you so deserve all the good things life has to offer Mags Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[be...] Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 Inspirational! It is so wonderful to hear you have your life back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Be...] Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 Megan, that's great to hear you're doing so well. It does give me hope that everything will improve and I can wake up one morning and know I've really turned a corner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Gr...] Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 As another "mature" member, I am so glad to hear your update. I had similar duration and failed attempts at getting off, and I read and reread your first success story so many times while I was in the dark 0-5 months off, and it gave me so much hope, and now your update is doing that again. Thank you, and I'm so happy for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[me...] Posted April 12, 2014 Author Share Posted April 12, 2014 Thanks everyone! I think being older is actually an advantage in this---we've already been through a wide variety of difficulties in life of which this is just one more -- albeit a very strange, lengthy and difficult one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Pe...] Posted April 12, 2014 Share Posted April 12, 2014 So happy for you to be finally doing so well! You have given me a bit of light! One horrid thing that benzos did to me was to steal my creativity. My creativity had always been a strong coping mechanism for me. I can now only force myself to do a project and it is pure torture and I am never happy with the results and gain only frustration in the end. My creativity has become counterproductive. I hesitate to start anything these days as an unfinished project hangs over me with tremendous pressure. I cannot even get to the simple things like washing the car, which sits moldering under algae and pollen with only 34,000 miles on it. I can only wait this out with hope I can someday post a success story like this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Ka...] Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 Thanks for this post megan, I needed to hear about a success at 18 months. I was getting super discouraged when I did not get a lot better after the one year mark! Your story is very encouraging and does give hope! We all need something to cling to here, even if it is celebrating others' successes. Congrats and keep telling these positive stories everyone! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[ro...] Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 I hope and pray to be as you one day Megan. I want to find myself again. and the excitement of doing what one truely loves. Best to you everyday..rosegal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[be...] Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 Hi Megan: You are one truly inspirational story that give me hope that I too, will recover. And you have been so kind to me as well. You were the very first person who welcomed me to BB. I will never forget this. Hears to more healing on BB! And also to you. Hugs, Betsy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Gr...] Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 Hi Megan: You are one truly inspirational story that give me hope that I too, will recover. And you have been so kind to me as well. You were the very first person who welcomed me to BB. I will never forget this. Hears to more healing on BB! And also to you. Hugs, Betsy Hi BG Just curious. How are you making out with the Seroquel? I was put on it in 2009 when I tried to detox from Xanax. It was an outpt detox, though, and they took me off in four days. Needless to say, that didn't go well. But I was wondering if the Seroquel helped with sleep. I remember it put me in a coma. I was on 200 mg., plus Cymbalta plus lemictal. I just don't remember much that happened then. Sue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[ha...] Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 SUPER WONDERFUL news and my hat's off to you! Thank you for all you do and thank you for sharing your success... I'm smiling for you and that just came naturally right now... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[ba...] Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Hi Megan , i saw on a thread that it was your birthday earlier this month happy belated birthday !! i hope you enjoyed it :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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