I just want a better life

I was put on 4mg of clonazepam (paxam) a night, roughly 3 years ago, for chronic insomnia caused by an (at the time) unknown condition. Turns out, I actually have an autoimmune disease. However, my inability to sleep was then blamed on anxiety and depression, and the severe pain I was experiencing was brushed off as 'imagined'. All of these 'causes' were actually symptoms of the larger problem.

Last year, I was off my medication for a month without any side effects presenting themselves. However, my sleeping was becoming more disturbed by the day, until I had to go back to my doctor. He prescribed me with a drug that was supposedly less dangerous than clonazepam. Long story short, I ended up paralyzed on my bedroom floor. My roommate had to call an ambulance. My doctor said I was imagining things, convinced me to try the drug again, and I ended up seeking medical help elsewhere for a plethora of health issues that put me back on 2mg paxam so I could be stabilized.

I would like to stop taking the medication, but am afraid of going through days without sleep, potential side effects from an extra year of use, and the possibility that another 'harmless' drug will be prescribed to me for my insomnia. I've researched for months about the best ways to get off these drugs, though even the thought of going back to a solid week without sleep, only to collapse for a few hours, scares me. Keep in mind that I am a teenager, with no job history, and no qualifications due to several years of debilitating illness. All I really want is to be able to have a real life of some form. Any support that comes from someone more experienced in these matters would really help at the moment. That is what finally led me to this site. 

Also, I would like to apologize for my rather long introduction.

Hello Printress

Welcome to benzobuddies, We are glad you found us, You have been through a lot, and so young too. I promise it will get better.  A good resource about benzodiazepines is the Ashton Manual. Here is a link to the manual: Professor Ashtons Manual  it is a great resource  for learning about these meds and for taper plans.

The rule of thumb is to reduce between 5/10% every 10/14 days.  Feel free to post to any of the dedicated boards, you'll find a great community of people who are here to support and encourage you. Members have been through all aspects of benzodiazepine use and withdrawal and are more than willing to share their experiences.

For tapering advice General Taper Plans Board  For support with any symptoms you may have post here: Withdrawal Support

If you would be so kind as to add a signature (history of meds/doses etc) it will help members give you relevant advice this link will show you how to Create a signature

Please let us know If you have any questions.

Welcome Aboard

Magrita

Hello Printress

Welcome to the forum you have made a wise decision in joining. I have just read what you wrote and when I read the word 'imagined' my did  I feel my blood pressure going. I was also told the same and more besides but never mind.

I will tell you a bit about myself I also had insomnia which led to me taking sleeping tablets. I am now free of them and sleep does come back. All I can say about myself that I feel so much better being drug free.

I have yet to meet a doctor that will accept that these drugs can cause problems. You are very wise in wanting to come off these drugs now rather than later I know of members that have been on their drugs for 20 years some even longer.

I will let a moderator know you are here as this forum gets sadly very busy with new members joining for the same reason. Wanting to be free. I just wish that I had known about this forum a long time ago.

I wish you all the best .

Duck

I see Mags has found you

Thank you Duck! You've really pepped me up, now. I've been worried recently, since the tablets don't seem to be working even when I do take them. I'm not even tapering yet! I guess that's just added incentive to quit while I can!

Hello again

Lets put it this way and you can come to a conclusion yourself the usual dose of my sleeping tablet was 5 mg I was prescribed 10 mg it was called Nitrazepam/ Mogadon  or Moggies on the street well here in the U.K. Sure they did work then I really can not remember when but I would take 10 mg put my head down and I would go to sleep only to wake up a few hours later. I told my doctor who told me to take more so this was when I thought hang on they are no longer working.

Then when I researched and read what they were that was it. I decided I wanted to come off unfortunately things went wrong long story. But I am alive and feel so much better despite still having withdrawal side effects.

There will never be a right time for most it is a case of do you or don't you want to carry on taking a drug that basically is not doing anything for you except possibly making you feel worse. This is my opinion others may think differently.

Duck

Dear Printress:

As an avid reader, (well, ok, I was before benzohell), I love anything well-written.  Your introduction really impresses me, and also rings home, as I was also prescribed klonopin for sleep for two years.  It took me two years to correlate that the terrible behavior and change of temperament I was suffering from unequivocally matched the timing of the introduction of benzos "for sleep"!  "Derp", as my 8 year old son says.  During those two years, the doctor led me to believe I had suddenly (at the age of 33) acquired narcissistic like qualities and a lack of empathy that bordered on being a sociopath.  (I was very caring, loving, and gentle, albeit depressed.)

Withdrawal symptoms led me to call the ambulance TWICE.....I swore I was having a heart attack and felt semi-paralyzed, like I was losing control of my body.  I really thought I was going to pee my pants or worse.  No one should have to go through this alone, and I don't understand why doctors are so uneducated about these matters!  I hate to sound crazy, but it's a big conspiracy theory...because admitting that benzos (which were prescribed to nearly 80,000,000 americans in I forget which year) would cause such a shift of paradigm in prescribing methods that the psychiatrists just can't quite wrap their head around it.  They're thinking,"Oh crap!  I've been poisoning my patients with my errant prescribing methods!  Not possible!  Deny, deny, and cover up!"

Dear Printress:

 

As an avid reader, (well, ok, I was before benzohell), I love anything well-written.  Your introduction really impresses me, and also rings home, as I was also prescribed klonopin for sleep for two years.  It took me two years to correlate that the terrible behavior and change of temperament I was suffering from unequivocally matched the timing of the introduction of benzos "for sleep"!  "Derp", as my 8 year old son says.  During those two years, the doctor led me to believe I had suddenly (at the age of 33) acquired narcissistic like qualities and a lack of empathy that bordered on being a sociopath.  (I was very caring, loving, and gentle, albeit depressed.)

 

Withdrawal symptoms led me to call the ambulance TWICE.....I swore I was having a heart attack and felt semi-paralyzed, like I was losing control of my body.  I really thought I was going to pee my pants or worse.  No one should have to go through this alone, and I don't understand why doctors are so uneducated about these matters!  I hate to sound crazy, but it's a big conspiracy theory...because admitting that benzos (which were prescribed to nearly 80,000,000 americans in I forget which year) would cause such a shift of paradigm in prescribing methods that the psychiatrists just can't quite wrap their head around it.  They're thinking,"Oh crap!  I've been poisoning my patients with my errant prescribing methods!  Not possible!  Deny, deny, and cover up!"

Hi ilove,

Here is what I believe:

Doctors that prescribe benzos are either ignorant or complicit.  There is no other choice.  But now is time to move forward.  Be kind to yourself. 

If you can, spread the word about benzodiazepine poisoning and withdrawal in a localized grassroots effort.  Otherwise, concentrate on your healing for the time being.  You can't educate others if you are in the throes of withdrawal.  You will get through this to help others. 

Hugs

I was put on 4mg of clonazepam (paxam) a night, roughly 3 years ago, for chronic insomnia caused by an (at the time) unknown condition. Turns out, I actually have an autoimmune disease. However, my inability to sleep was then blamed on anxiety and depression, and the severe pain I was experiencing was brushed off as 'imagined'. All of these 'causes' were actually symptoms of the larger problem.

 

Last year, I was off my medication for a month without any side effects presenting themselves. However, my sleeping was becoming more disturbed by the day, until I had to go back to my doctor. He prescribed me with a drug that was supposedly less dangerous than clonazepam. Long story short, I ended up paralyzed on my bedroom floor. My roommate had to call an ambulance. My doctor said I was imagining things, convinced me to try the drug again, and I ended up seeking medical help elsewhere for a plethora of health issues that put me back on 2mg paxam so I could be stabilized.

 

I would like to stop taking the medication, but am afraid of going through days without sleep, potential side effects from an extra year of use, and the possibility that another 'harmless' drug will be prescribed to me for my insomnia. I've researched for months about the best ways to get off these drugs, though even the thought of going back to a solid week without sleep, only to collapse for a few hours, scares me. Keep in mind that I am a teenager, with no job history, and no qualifications due to several years of debilitating illness. All I really want is to be able to have a real life of some form. Any support that comes from someone more experienced in these matters would really help at the moment. That is what finally led me to this site. 

 

Also, I would like to apologize for my rather long introduction.

Hi Printress,

Do you have any support from your family?  You may need help during withdrawal, but it's not a given.  Many feel better during their tapers and go on to live a normal life within a short period of time.  I hope you have the same experience. 

Thank you for the sweet words, babyrex.  You are absolutely right about the grassroots education of friends and relatives.

That IS the only way......

Night night

Firstly, I would like to apologise for my absence, and therefore my inability to reply to all of you kind people. It has been a LONG month! 

Then when I researched and read what they were that was it. I decided I wanted to come off unfortunately things went wrong long story. But I am alive and feel so much better despite still having withdrawal side effects.

 

There will never be a right time for most it is a case of do you or don't you want to carry on taking a drug that basically is not doing anything for you except possibly making you feel worse. This is my opinion others may think differently.

 

Duck

I do agree with you. Before 'needing' to take clonazepam I was single-mindedly conquering obstacles as they came at me. Now I barely care about anything I did before. I feel terrible for being lazy, but not enough to do anything about it! Given, I haven't been the same since the chronic depression I suffered through a few years ago, but I was getting better. The sooner you can get off the Benzo Boat, the better.

As an avid reader, (well, ok, I was before benzohell), I love anything well-written.  Your introduction really impresses me, and also rings home, as I was also prescribed klonopin for sleep for two years.  It took me two years to correlate that the terrible behavior and change of temperament I was suffering from unequivocally matched the timing of the introduction of benzos "for sleep"!  "Derp", as my 8 year old son says.  During those two years, the doctor led me to believe I had suddenly (at the age of 33) acquired narcissistic like qualities and a lack of empathy that bordered on being a sociopath.  (I was very caring, loving, and gentle, albeit depressed.)

I can absolutely relate. I used to be an avid reader/writer myself. It's amazing how many things that I used to enjoy doing. I'm still placing my distancing myself from other people as due to non-benzo related issues, but many other facets of my personality have almost been obliterated.

I'm sorry I ended up so sidetracked.  I don't have any answers for you, except that I think you have a good chance at "a better life", since you are being proactive in helping yourself.  Have you reviewed the Ashton Manual?

It's alright. I get sidetracked so often I rarely come full circle on any matter.  Thank you for the support. It's been hard to keep myself going lately, but at least I am going! And, yes, I have.

Do you have any support from your family?  You may need help during withdrawal, but it's not a given.  Many feel better during their tapers and go on to live a normal life within a short period of time.  I hope you have the same experience. 

Bless my family, but they don't have the faintest idea on how to act as a support group. My brother actually started screaming at me because I was on the medication I am (which he sees as an unfair advantage somehow). I can't stand yelling. It sets me into a panic/state of shock that I find hard to come down from.

It's possibly a case of TMI, but I do have PTSD from growing up in an abusive home. I was 'fine' until I was 17 - I blocked most of it out with novels - but then one of my relatives shattered my cheekbone right before my formal, and I seemed to shut down. I'm the quiet one in my family. I try to stay out of fights (I've only yelled at someone 3 times that I can remember, and I was terrified at the time), so that was a hard knock for me. It really brought my other health issues to the forefront, though, so that's one thing I can take away from it. At least now I know why I've always had trouble walking.