DEREALISATION and DEPERSONALISATION

I hope this is o.k. to start this here I'll back back in a few....

Here is a link to our dp/dr (depersonalization/derealization) document.

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=10320.msg135878#msg135878

I just read Colin's post. Thank You KID for bringing this up. I never had a name for what I go through. I knew it was sensory but that is all I knew.

This has been one of the hardest symptoms to go through. I do have some very physical symptoms that add to this so it makes it very hard to know which is which.

 

The only thing I know to do is ride it like a bad acid trip, (no I've never done acid, but this what I would do). When I'm having a good trip I just let it ride and try to enjoy all the pretty colors.(hah,hah,hah!). I keep people around me that I feel really safe and happy with. I let them drive the experience and I go along for the ride. I do really well so long as I feel safe and happy, and I think that every good experience I have builds another good experience.

 

I don't let myself get too tired or stressed because when that happens I start to feel angry or scared. I make everyone and myself SLOW DOWN so I can process what they are saying and put it square with their emotions that I'm trying to sense correctly....I do this because I have a hard time matching emotions and speech and visual cues. I make myself read aloud and WOW is that hard. I do this because when I C/T'd I lost my ability to read for quite some time, and reading out loud was the last to come back. There is a weird connection I know with reading outloud and if I was a special ed. teacher I could tell you what it is... all I know is it is a very good exercise to get your senses connected again.

 

I DON'T look in the mirror if I'm feeling creepy. But I check myself out all the time when I feel good!!!!!!!!:):)

 

Mostly my rule of thumb with this whole experience is to be good to myself and to keep hitting life on the upswing so I get my skills and my confidence back.

 

I would love it if anyone else has found things that work or to just share what they feel.:):)

Good stuff Wonderwoman! 

So is this the new thread? If so then Thank you very much cause I need you guys WAY BAD and I don't know how to start when Colin said to do it earlier.

I have a hard time driving sometimes because I feel like my body isn't mine at all. Today I had very bad time, head hurt in base of skull then eyes felt funny and I see spiders and stuff and everything slows down and can't think fast like normal then feel like head isn't mine at all and can't function at all. Its so hard. I get really scared. PTSD is what therapist says brings it to me but I don't buy it no more. Also is called dissociation when you have BPD as I do but I've seen people in my class have it BAD and they are different people not just feelings and stuff they become a whole new person and is very scary to watch for me it's very different. I know I'm here but I don't feel like Im in my own skin. Feels much like some kind of trip just like you said wonderwoman and it's so awful because you feel like you might not come back.

 

I thought I must be insane for real and the more it happens the more I feel that way. Marnie helped me so much today and other time she did to. I don't usually have people with me when happens and twice now Marnie has walked with me through it.

Oh KID I know how you feel!!!!!!I see things like that all the time!!!I have to keep doubletaking!!! Your right about driving, that is what's keeping me from it the most. I just can't tell what I'm doing! And I react to things that aren't there. Everything has a dream-like quality to it like I'm watching myself. I try to remember to tell myself funny things like, "Nice Ass!" just to cheer myself up, but as of yet I haven't seen my backside...hah,hah,hah,...I know it isn't funny but I don't know what else to do.

 

I'll try and come up with a more comprehensive set of exercises that my Mom and my sister in law taught me. They both teach special ed. It does help me a lot. I'm just too tired tonight to find it. But it's supposed to help everything start working together.

 

When I go slow enough it gets better. Before nothing helped. I'll share my stories later. We'll get through this I know, and its nice to have some company!;0;);):)

:'( I'm not glad it happens to others but I'm glad to not be alone. I feel right along with you and it hurts so bad.

 

Love ya

 

Jan

I thought of a few things I do that really help me and I wanted to share them in case I forget.

 

The first one is juggling. Real juggling. You can get a book, (it comes with bean bags) called Juggling for Klutzes... if you don't know how to juggle already. I dated a clown...that's the only reason I know how.(hah,hah,....no a real one!!!).... What this does is retrain the peripheral vision so you won't get those corner of the eye creepies so much. You need to do things that work the sense of touch with sight and you can add sound..(music) when you are ready... if you want it. It really helps to get your depth perseption working as well.

 

I think painting would work in some of the same ways. So KID do your art!!!

 

I also do a lot of purposeful stress. This means I exercise my startle and fear response but planned and on purpose. I started by jumping of a curb...that seemed high at the time!!!Then I do more VERY SAFE STUFF that just reenacts the fear/startle response. I also purposefully drop pans so I don't jump so much at loud noises. Again if you can combine the senses and "drop a pan as you jump of a curb!!!" this is good!!!:):)...

 

Don't let anyone "help you" with purposeful stress....it is not like scaring someone so they stop hiccuping....so???????

 

I walk with my eyes closed down my hall and when I feel really good I do it at night when it is really dark...This helps my balance and my senses. It feels really awful at first but then things don't seem so swimmy anymore. OH yeah.... do it in a controlled space please that's why I use my hall...I can touch!!! Look MA no hands is not good right now!!!!!

 

I set up little obstacle courses for myself around the house too thing with colors and touch. I think playing hopscotch would help. (no I'm not kidding):):)Kids are developing hand eye coordination every time they play!!!! So see you do get to be a KID!!!!!!:):)

OH MY gosh Wonderwoman THE EYE thing is one of the worst things about it far as I'm concerned, to anyone who doesn't know what it feels like oh my GOD its scary and even to us its really frightening. I see not only things that aren't real but things like the screen here on monitor looks like its bending and I can't type for crap have to not look at screen and anything else in room or even when driving is real hard to. It's kind of like being in a tunnel and you really do lose whats on the sides and only see through a deep dark tunnel. I hear my lungs taking in air, and the beat of my heart, words others say I can't focus on them and to much people talking makes the entire experience WORSE cause you can't come out for even longer time and your arms, legs and head everything feels like it isn't yours at all. You don't see your own face in a mirror you don't connect with that person at all. Do you guys know the picture I did of myself called Mirror? The reason I did that picture is because it's exactly how one feels during these times of dissociating or what ever the heck it's called that picture is exactly what it feels like. Wonderwoman you seen it? Half the face is not there and it's really MY face. I did it while looking in a blank dark TV screen and I had a tremendous struggle staying in the moment and drawing it, it took me many hours to do the picture because I was so into how I felt in that time. Yes my arms and hands worked but the reason that picture is what it is well it's all about this new thread. I don't think it's in my blog but it's in my YOUTUBE that Cathy did for me and you who have this problem will know the image when you see it. http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=WKi3hEboFHI

 

OK Wonderwoman how the heck do you juggle when you feel this way? When it's at it's worst I can't even move never mind juggle. Do you get like that to? Over the past I think month it's happened severe for me now twice. Yesterday was bad but not as bad as last one was because Marnie stayed right here with me. She tried last time to but I couldn't stay at all then. Happens in therapy all the time but in therapy the therapist knows the keys to unlock the gates, NOPE I don't know how she does it other then she talks allot and says things that kind of trigger me. You know what I mean? She knows me very deeply so she knows how to move and I mean it quite litterally she knows how to pull focus back and I think must be because this doesn't only happen from the meds it also happens from real illness but I say the meds make it much worse. Point is, she is use to dealing with many people who can't come back and she seems to know how to talk the right words that pull you back. Usually I wind up kind of half back and half not and usually allot of crying goes on and she cries to. You been through that before? Last time I swear to you I was on my knees litterally in a corner on the floor and she gets right down there with me and doesn't let me stay alone. HUMAN contact is hard but is essential to coming back. Am I right Wonderwoman? I'm scared that one day I won't come back, are you scared of that to??

Oh KID, I have felt it ALL!!!!!!!....I used to coach kids with Autism and other D.D.'s for Special Olympics. A lot of what we are going through now is what they have gone through every day of their lives!!!! It is very hard to STAY HERE as you put it and not drift disappear down the Rabbit Hole....

 

I know what you mean about the round warpely corners in your house....when my house looks like that I smile and say,"Look!! it's PEE WEE'S PLAYHOUSE!!!".....If you can find a happy harmless thing to bind to the weirdness to it really helps.;);)

 

Yes I do juggle!!!...With my movement problems I do have different modifications for all of my exercises. I have very easy and then it goes up. No I can't juggle everyday....so I modify!!!!;)..... You might start with just bouncing a tennis ball and catching it.

 

REMEMBER: STOP BEFORE YOUR BRAIN GETS TIRED!!!!!!!LITTLE SETS OF EXERCISES PLEASE!!!!!!!!GO SLOWLY!!!!!!!!

 

My Mom is the one who suggested I start juggling again, and I thought she was crazy, but now I do understand why.

 

Yes the too much stimuli with too many people talking will send me through the roof!!!! I can't cook if my husband even puts a toe in the kitchen! And I mean can't!!!!My brain just can't problem solve if anything disrupts it. And if he talks when he's driving us somewhere I lose it, because it takes everything I've got to not feel like the car is turning upside down or the things were passing on the sides make me sick or jumpy. But if things stay quiet I can do quite a bit.

 

Well darn my computor needs to re-boot, let me know if any of this helps or if you can think of things that might help you??

 

Love Ya, Jan:):):)

I'm very interested in using juggling to retrain the brain.  I've seen those "juggling for klutzes" kits and am going to have to get some little bean bags to try.  This looks like a good juggling tutorial:

Jake will LOVE that!!!!, Beeper.:):):) let me know how it goes..?????:):)....

Dont mean to scare anyone but I've been dealing with dp/dr for about 25 months, it by far is my worst symptom. When I first started to experience it I contacted Dr Ashton and she said it's the most difficult sx to deal with and usually is one of the last sx's to subside. I can honestly say that it has gotten better but I still have a ways to go.

Don't worry NOTHING scares us anymore!!!!!:):):):)...and we have good help both on the forum and off;);).:):)!!!!!

Dont mean to scare anyone but I've been dealing with dp/dr for about 25 months, it by far is my worst symptom. When I first started to experience it I contacted Dr Ashton and she said it's the most difficult sx to deal with and usually is one of the last sx's to subside. I can honestly say that it has gotten better but I still have a ways to go.

 

NO worries just like Wonderwoman said NOTHING scares us no more. I've had it for a real long time now to and only yesterday did I find out from Marnie that in fact it might well be the Benzos. I been thinking I was completely nuts for SOOOOOOO long. I'm so glad to have you guys here with me for support. I'm so sorry we all have this thing but we ain't alone no more and that's HUGE. Thank you for being with me.

 

Jan

Oh KID, I have felt it ALL!!!!!!!....I used to coach kids with Autism and other D.D.'s for Special Olympics. A lot of what we are going through now is what they have gone through every day of their lives!!!! It is very hard to STAY HERE as you put it and not drift disappear down the Rabbit Hole....PERFECT, the way you describe things is PERFECTLY ON TARGET!

 

I know what you mean about the round warpely corners in your house....when my house looks like that I smile and say,"Look!! it's PEE WEE'S PLAYHOUSE!!!"..... :2funny: YOU crack me up, again it's perfect!If you can find a happy harmless thing to bind to the weirdness to it really helps.;);)

 

Yes I do juggle!!!...With my movement problems I do have different modifications for all of my exercises. I have very easy and then it goes up. No I can't juggle everyday....so I modify!!!!;)..... You might start with just bouncing a tennis ball and catching it.I love video games, USE TO, so I just found arcade here last night and OH BABY it's hard to get use to but it's good for me, I did have to stop this morning cause it was making my head want to go that place so I just let it go.

 

REMEMBER: STOP BEFORE YOUR BRAIN GETS TIRED!!!!!!!LITTLE SETS OF EXERCISES PLEASE!!!!!!!!GO SLOWLY!!!!!!!!Yes I understand this after the games real well

 

My Mom is the one who suggested I start juggling again, and I thought she was crazy, but now I do understand why.

 

Yes the too much stimuli with too many people talking will send me through the roof!!!! The grocery store, ANY store sends me over the edge. We go early, very early Sunday morning to avoid people because just the lights and to much stuff is to much for my head to take. When first on taper I had to hold onto cart and onto husband cause I really would fall down, just WAY to much for me to take in.I can't cook if my husband even puts a toe in the kitchen! And I mean can't!!!!My brain just can't problem solve if anything disrupts it. And if he talks when he's driving us somewhere I lose it, because it takes everything I've got to not feel like the car is turning upside down or the things were passing on the sides make me sick or jumpy. But if things stay quiet I can do quite a bit.YES oh my GOSH yes to much noise any kind of chaos and my family doesn't understand it but seriously at Christmas or at birthdays I have to go outside my own house and breath I get to much and I lose it. I get real grumpy and or real talkative like a person must be on Speed, that's what family tell me that I'm going way to FAST and I know it's true but I can't slow it down because their presence sends me over the edge.

 

Well darn my computor needs to re-boot, let me know if any of this helps or if you can think of things that might help you??It all helps me just knowing you feel the same things and the way you describe things is so awesome. I love your style my friend.

 

Love Ya, Jan:):):)

 

Love you TO 

Hi All, when I knew something was very wrong was when I couldn't tell the difference between foods of the same color. This happened when I was cooking. Especially with produce! I couldn't tell a red onion from red cabbage NOT EVEN from smell or seeing  which would make my eyes tear! There was absolutely no tearing even when I chopped the onion!!!!!

 

The other thing I became aware of is that I had a really hard time telling what peoples expressions meant. Were they a)Happy?... b)Smirking?

c) about to cry?....d)ON DRUGS OR ALCOHOL?????(hah,hah!!!) I thought there was something wrong with "them"!!!! It is very hard to get things right when your brain can't process the subtle cues of expression! It is not that I lack compassion! It's just that unless I really focus all my senses and take my time I really can't read mood or expression and I also read things wrong if I'm not careful!!!!;) Oh and NO BOTOX this is hard enough with people whose eyebrows do move!!!!

 

There are many more examples that I will add later that I think are related.

 

Cheers, Wonderwoman

Hi KID, I wanted to add that I talked to my Husband's Psych. about this and he said its not psychiatric its more neurological. It fits the neurotransmitter diseases closer than psych and the etiology is closer. I do trust him because he's a very bright and well known guy, and he relies on science not conjecture. (unlike the rest of those idiots):):) He said it has attributes of M.S., Parkinson's,and Autism but isn't any of them. Not the same cause!!!I'm also a bit dyslexic which is also a sensory disorder. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm;);););)

I stink at the quote thing but two posts before this one you mention expressions of people. OH MAN I have HUGE trouble with this HUGE! :'(

Wonderwoman I limit myself on writing to therapist on line in emails because even words on screen are so hard to know and more en once I gotten myself in lots of trouble even HERE with understanding what others are saying. It's a tight rope to walk. You understand right? I can't tell what people are feeling in person never mind hidden behind a screen so it's really difficult lots of times. I get in SO much trouble with so many folks in person because I can't focus on faces it's to much to take in and if I don't focus then I get in trouble to. It's a no win situation so much of the time. You following me? OK lots of over stimuli for me today and I'm completely shot to SH--! So I got a headache and I'm having trouble with what tasks I have to complete. I don't feel up to any tasks at all.

 

YOU with me?

Hi KID, yes I know me too. I talked to my Mom today and she said to work the sensory pathways together and separately. She said doing separate will help as a whole. I know some little tests to see what specifics will help. How is your handwriting? Do you have trouble writing or reading aloud??

Keep it slow I know how you feel. I'm feeling ughhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Hi KID, yes I know me too. I talked to my Mom today and she said to work the sensory pathways together and separately. She said doing separate will help as a whole. I know some little tests to see what specifics will help. How is your handwriting? Do you have trouble writing or reading aloud??

 

Writing use to be excellent but now is getting worse. I can't think to write the way I use to. What I mean is sometimes I write checks out WRONG now and I have taken to using cash instead of checks because I got into lots of embarassment over it.

 

I HATE reading alloud and have to do it in DBT class/therapy I can't do it no more. I use to be very good at these things but now I miss words and stumble allot!

Keep it slow I know how you feel. I'm feeling ughhhhhhhhh!!!!!

 

Does your head hurt allot?