How Your Withdrawal Symptoms Can Improve Your Life

I have discovered that there is a positive aspect to severe withdrawal symptoms that you can use to your benefit.

 

Lately, not only have I been feeling better, but I have been feeling deeply transformed – I literally feel like a new person after my withdrawal symptoms have subsided, and because the feeling of change is so profound,  I have been asking myself why.

 

So much talk here on BB is about the negative and destructive effects of benzo withdrawal, but recently I have realized that my long and extremely difficult withdrawal turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me. . .  because of how I was transformed in a positive way by the process of benzo withdrawal and how you can transform yourself by using this method.

 

It is my intention in this post to show you how you can use your withdrawal symptoms to transform yourself into a better person emotionally and mentally than you were before your withdrawal started.  Just by examining your intrusive thoughts that are moved from your sub-conscious mind to your conscious mind during your withdrawal, some, or in some cases all of the power that these buried thoughts have will be dissipated.

 

The obvious reasons that I am feeling better are; the cessation of withdrawal symptoms, a non tranquilized thinking process, no more depersonalization, and the biggest one – the normalization of fear levels.

 

These are some of the reasons why I feel better, but this is not why I feel transformed.

 

 

I’m 18 months out, and I’ve been feeling good for about 6 months, and real good for about 3, and I have been saying on BB how I am actually in better shape mentally and emotionally than before my withdrawal and that there was something about the withdrawal process that changed me for the better.

 

During withdrawal I had a flood of intrusive thoughts emerge – thoughts and events that were long forgotten, buried deep in my subconscious mind.  Day after day, this litany of intrusive thoughts and experiences from the past – mostly negative in some way, would arise in my consciousness.

 

I  re-experienced hundreds of these thoughts and events – probably  they numbered in the thousands, as this went on and on, sometimes 20 hours a day. This flood of thoughts felt like a life review, as it seemed like I was re-experiencing these very specific and highly detailed deeply buried negative events for some kind of purpose.

 

Today, I realized why this process transformed me. . .

 

What had happened was that as an effect of the withdrawal process, these thoughts  and events rose up from my subconscious mind, and as I became aware of them with my conscious mind and examined them and then released them, the emotional charge was removed and these events no longer acted as subconscious drivers. They were no longer operating my conscious mind from my subconscious mind.

 

As a result, I feel less conflicted inside, I feel more free and the emotional pain that I was holding in my solar plexus since I was a child is gone.

 

The process that I experienced during my benzo withdrawal is the basis for many forms of therapy. The act of examining past events and trauma with your present level of understanding gives these thoughts and events from the past a context that can be used for psychological growth and emotional release. 

 

 

There are therapists who will tell you that in many cases, there is no need for an exhaustive evaluation of all the gory details of these events.

 

Many times, just looking at them can remove the psychological and emotional charge that these events hold, and that once this conscious examination happens, they will no longer be sub-conscious drivers that effect our daily lives.

 

I found great value in having these intrusive memories be exhumed from the past so I could examine them. Even though I was in the throes of severe withdrawal symptoms, I knew that this is valuable data and that there is an opportunity to look at these events and learn something.This understanding was evident due to the specific nature of these thoughts and events.

 

These thoughts and events were not subtle either - they were highly charged, very detailed and highly specific data and I could see how they had been affecting my life in a negative way for a long time.

 

The interesting thing is that I would have not had access to these thoughts and events were it not for my withdrawal unless I would have embarked on an intentional journey into therapy.

 

After my withdrawal symptoms abated, I noticed that the pain that I had been holding in my solar plexus for over 40 years was gone. This was my first clue that something had transformed me, other than the fact that I felt exceptionally good at a very deep level.

 

I have a new self - concept along with my new identity - a healthier and more solid emotional foundation to build my new life on, and I am thoroughly enjoying starting my life over from a new place.

 

So, here’s what I have realized today – that you can look at your thought processes during your withdrawal, and as they arise, try to look at them with a non- judgmental attitude, with the intent of understanding that your actions in the past were the best that you could do at that time with your level of development and understanding of life and how to operate in it. Allow yourself as much forgiveness and compassion as you can, and watch your thoughts and feelings for clues on how to process them and learn from them and then let them go.

 

I realize that most of us are just trying to survive our withdrawal, and attempting to look at these intrusive thoughts from a personal growth standpoint is ridiculous in most cases.

 

However, somehow, even though my symptoms were acute, and I was fighting for my life on a moment to moment basis, the process of transformation happened for me.

 

The intent of this post is well meaning, and I'm not sure how practical it really is. I have had a life long fascination with personal transformation, and I am sure this had something to do with the level of effectiveness of this process for me.

 

I hope this concept can help you, too.

 

As this thread develops, there will be valuable strategies and ideas that will be added.

 

 

I am wishing for you a great transformation and life recovery. 

 

 

 

 

 

River 

 

Awesome post River Wolf. You are correct about the power of the subconscious mind. It is way more powerful than the conscious mind and once we get that in order we are in much better shape! Glad to hear that withdrawal was a learning and healing experience for you and that you are feeling great. I am really looking forward to the promised land myself !!   

Excellent thread River Wolf!  Thank you. I have experienced a lot of what you shared.  I hope to continue in this path. It is easy to get discouraged during waves. I appreciate the reminder.  I hope I was able to work through enough to reap the full transformation.  Many times I would counter the thoughts with CBT and distraction.  Hope it got deep enough. I think your explanation is spot on. I get/feel glimpses of this transformation/new me during windows.  But during waves it's hard to hold onto hope that they are real.

 

I draw strength from your posts. Thank you. 

I'm glad that I'm not the only one who has seen the benefits of this opportunity. 

 

 

It was only yesterday that I realized why I feel so much better. This realization was nothing short of an epiphany – that I was transformed by the process of benzo withdrawal.

 

What is ironic about this realization is that it came while I was writing a post based on an article written by a therapist suggesting that “no meaningful deep change could be achieved in therapy while someone was in benzo withdrawal.” 

 

I had read this article during my withdrawal and it resonated with me – I completely agreed with the premise. As a result, I had made some posts here on BB to members who were in therapy during withdrawal to inform them of what I had read and believed to be true.

 

So, after my realization yesterday I found myself in a conflicted position. Writing those posts caused me to do some thinking about the actual mechanics of my own withdrawal and subsequent transformation.

(What a relief it is to be able to think again BTW – your turn  IS  coming)   

 

It seems to me now that if a person was in therapy after the wd symptoms have subsided, the practitioner would be talking directly with the client.  But during wd, they would just be talking to a version of the person - a person at the effect  of  a benzo induced emotional storm highly colored by excess free-floating fear as the result of an over stimulated Amygdala.  Basically, I think a person is not present enough during withdrawal to benefit from talk therapy  – I know I was not. I was waylaid by depersonalization and the various symptoms.

 

I could see how a therapist would want to take the opportunity to process events that were normally below conscious awareness and not readily accessible to the conscious mind though. There are coping strategies that can be learned from a therapist that are very valuable during wd.

 

At this point of my understanding and experience, I have found that there definitely IS value in looking at the intrusive thoughts that are available during wd, but as far as a more complex talk therapy such as CBT or behavior modification during extreme withdrawal symptoms – I don’t know - I know I was not available for that. The extreme fear storm from my overactive Amygdala was pounding me with so much irrational fear that I could not compartmentalize my emotions and thoughts – it just all ran together in one big tornado of terror.

 

I think it would be valuable to write down or record these surfacing thoughts and events from the past with as much detail as you can.  If you are not interested in processing them during withdrawal, they can be useful at a later time for processing in a therapeutic setting or by yourself when you feel better. I suspect most people will not be interested in personal growth during a withdrawal. Most of us are just trying to survive. I was fascinated by what was going on even though it was brutally difficult.

 

Now that my wd is behind me, I have forgotten those thoughts and events that I did not process or partially processed. Had I recorded them, they would be available, and this is the point of this thread.

 

I highly recommend if you are interested in personal transformation or self improvement, that you take the opportunity to examine some of what is in your subconscious mind, especially when they are moved to the surface for free by the process of withdrawal.

 

It feels like I received years of free therapy, but it wasn’t for free – I did pay for it – Man O Man did I ever pay for it.  .  .  I thought those years of suffering would never end. But they did, and your suffering will end too. 

 

I feel like I have vanquished a dragon - and I have a lot of self - respect as a result. I hold myself now like I have accomplished something very significant - because a long, difficult benzo withdrawal IS something very significant in one’s life.

 

I hope you can take advantage of examining your intrusive thoughts during your withdrawal, and that you come out of it feeling as good as I do. 

 

 

 

River 

 

 

I think it would be valuable to write down or record these surfacing thoughts and events from the past with as much detail as you can.  If you are not interested in processing them during withdrawal, they can be useful at a later time for processing in a therapeutic setting or by yourself when you feel better.

 

 

Wow. A lot of good stuff in your post here, River.  I don't have the mental energy to respond to all of it as I would like.  I certainly will be reading over it a few times in the days ahead.  I especially liked the above quote.  That's a great suggestion.  Looking at each thought as an opportunity or path to deep healing is certainly more hopeful to me than merely enduring it.  My windows are frequent nowadays so I can write the details down when I experience them, process them if I can or wait until I feel like I can or even little by little.

 

Thanks for the help!    And the hope. 

Monumental post, River Wolf.  I should visit the happy stories forum more often.  I haven't had as much suffering as many, but I do feel transformed by this ordeal.  I've come to know mental anguish like I have never known it.  Not the suffering from tremors or palps, but the scared sh*tless feeling one gets from unknown fear/anxiety pulsing through one's body with no end in sight.  Fortunately, I've only had a few such adventures (so far), but I at least glimpsed the hell that some people go through for far too long.  I certainly have gained an appreciation for the courage it takes for some people to just get through a day (or night).  I've also gained an appreciation for the compassion that individuals - many of whom are hurting themselves - can give when one of their buddies is ailing.  This is a remarkable forum, and I feel fortunate (in a weird way) to have been able to have participated in it.

"I highly recommend if you are interested in personal transformation or self improvement, that you take the opportunity to examine some of what is in your subconscious mind, especially when they are moved to the surface for free by the process of withdrawal.

 

This is a great thread.

I've been meaning to address some of the issues mentioned.

Like everybody else here, I have  intrusive thoughts(worse in these last 2 days) and memory loss but weird memory flashes.

Now these are weird as they focus on incredible details and I really have to wonder at what an incredible instrument the human brain is.

When you lose your memory you learn to appreciate the value of recording memories,of having the possibility of accessing them I'm never ever going to give  my memories for granted.Anything can be forgotten.

So I started keeping a journal entirely devoted to memory flashes.

Some are extremely painful and some are happy.I won't give you the percentages of what is what,I'll leave that to your imagination!

I'm reminded of Regressive hypnosis for which I paid an obscene amount of money and that I really would have liked to continue.

In that case too the concept was ,write everything down as the memories disappear.

 

Until today,I didn't know that the memories that I'm having might go away and I don't remember if I was capable of having them before.

So in doubt I'm recording and journaling.

 

The painful events repeat themselves over and over and it's... well,painful!

 

But I'm happy to see that a survivor like River Wolf thinks it's not just random pain and sees it as an opportunity for  elaboration of grief.

 

I hope it is.But anything that is making me suffer so much shouldn't be forgotten in any way.

 

During the first 3 days(and unforgettable 3 nights)of my very accidental and traumatic CT I lived a horrifying experience through my hallucinations.

It was like I was in  a Christmas carol.I saw the present,the past and the future and I was full of regrets.I thought I was trapped and couldn't remedy to my mistakes.And since then I'm trying to make amends and be a better person

 

Excuse my rambling,on.I'm just an almost 4 month old Ct .

 

I'm so happy I finally found this area.

 

I don't want to  talk only about my symptoms,I want to discuss how to make something good out of this experience.

 

Excuse me ,it's  still very hard for me to communicate effectively.

 

What a long post I wrote,soooo sorry!

 

 

I don't want to  talk only about my symptoms,I want to discuss how to make something good out of this experience.

 

 

 

Sky  - no need to apologize for your post - it was good-         

 

The fact that you are wanting to learn from your wd and better yourself is a marker of your consciousness and level of spiritual development.

 

It is good that you are recording these thoughts or you will forget them, and later, when you are in a better place, you can use them as a context for your life's development and transformation.

 

I REALLY feel like a different person. I am going to start a couple of threads in the next day or so and they will explain what I have learned and some of why I feel good  -  and more importantly, how others can benefit too.

 

You mentioned the movie The Christmas Carol - and that you felt a lot of regret. That happened to me too. And as my wd  progressed and symptoms eventually diminished,  the regret shifted into understanding and awareness of the Big Picture.

 

The purpose of this thread is to help you see how your regret can be transformed into gratitude for the opportunity to learn.  Your life teaches you that what you previously saw as a mistake is really an opportunity for growth when you shift your perception.

 

I felt like it was Groundhog Day, speaking of movie metaphors,  during my taper - same old same suffering - day after day.

 

But the interesting thing about the movie Groundhog Day is that it is about learning from our actions until we get it right. Our lives are the context and the venue for our growth. A benzo induced flood and purging of intrusive thoughts from the past were a great opportunity for me to re -live some of these so called "mistakes" from my past. I could compare them with the growth and understanding that I have gleaned from my experiences since then, and as a result, I could see how these were a perfect context for my growth.

 

I really hope other people can have an emotional transformation from their withdrawal symptoms along with the benefits of being benzo free.

 

 

 

 

River 

 

 

LOVE IT!!!!

 

THANK YOU!!!

Thank you Happy -

 

I wanted to offer some hope to those who are suffering by relating a good experience that may happen to them when they recover.

 

You may find that breathing slower and deeper than normal may feel very pleasant. This is happening to me lately, as I am 19 months out and am feeling mostly good these days.

 

However, the experience of breathing deep and slow is feeling surprisingly wonderful. I go into it  in more detail on the thread called The Joy Of Breathing here;

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=104548.msg1345738#msg1345738

 

I hope it helps someone.

 

 

 

River 

 

River I love your posts, I haven't been on BB for very long and while I am extremely grateful for finding this site, I think we all concentrate too much on how bad we all feel, it is nice to read something with so much positivity in it.

 

I try always to look for a positive within a negative, a lesson to be learned in having it go through this W/d crap. I don't always find it but the researching keeps the mind active and hopefully off the negative shit.

 

Today I came across this quote: instead of FEAR

 

" Face Everthing And Recover" 

 

Thanks for all the positivity

Gypsygal

 

Thanks, River, I sure needed this just now.  Having a hard morning.  BTW, it's been difficult to control my breath...I used to do it but no longer can...but I'll keep trying.

Wow! This thread is awesome! I've had a lot of these intrusive thoughts from the past and it have made me feel so bad. It's amazing to read that I actually can get a better life because of this. Thank you for starting this thread!

I'm glad that this thread has value for some.

 

Now that I'm approaching 2 years out, I can look back with some history behind me. There is a context to put this whole crazy trip into perspective, and I have to say that there really has been some positive effects in my psyche other than being benzo free.

 

I do feel transformed by the process that I described previously, and as I move into my 3rd year out I am looking forward to a new life

 

I am searching for the words that can give hope to the hopeless -

 

 

. . . if those of you who are struggling could momentarily be in my consciousness it would blow your mind. The contrast between my previous suffering and current happiness is astounding - and it would give you so much incentive to keep on fighting.

 

There really is happiness after a brutal withdrawal. 

 

Those feelings of despair and pain that are common to wd will someday be a distant memory for you. But right now, keep on - one hour at a time, and as the hours turn to days, and then weeks and months - your struggle will turn to calmness and gratitude for a new life of peace and happiness and fun.

 

Yes, I'm actually having fun now, and it is just wonderful. I'm laughing again, and joking around - life has become enjoyable and each day has gifts to appreciate.

 

Today the mockingbirds were singing pretty loud, and I was enjoying their songs immensity. Just  to entertain myself with my goofy sense of humor  I yelled out  "shut up birds - you're getting on my nerves" then started laughing at my own joke.

 

They were not getting on my nerves, they were sounding wonderful,  but I was aware of the contrast between the past when sounds would irritate my sensitive nervous system and now that I am back to normal.

 

 

But this is not about me - it is about those of you who are still struggling and your future without the burden of benzos and the negative symptoms. You WILL have a better life when you get free.

 

Keep on moving forward and take it one breath at a time and you will make it. You gotta trust me on this one. . . 

 

 

River 

Hi River,

 

I'm in my 13th month now and starting to feel some of the calmness you are talking about.  I know I have a bit of time still before a success story, but this is an amazing difference. I'm sure it's just going to get better and better.  I can't wait.  I really enjoyed your post.  Thanks for being here after you are better.  We should all pay it forward when we're done to help the next wave of buddies. 

Strange how it dredges up old DEEP memories and forces you to deal with them by throwing them in your face. Absolutely profound experience for me because my mind was clouded with all kinds of drugs and alcohol for years. I was on xanax for six years and my taper ended 16 months ago. Healing is comin!!

Hi River,

 

I'm in my 13th month now and starting to feel some of the calmness you are talking about.  I know I have a bit of time still before a success story, but this is an amazing difference. I'm sure it's just going to get better and better.  I can't wait.  I really enjoyed your post.  Thanks for being here after you are better.  We should all pay it forward when we're done to help the next wave of buddies. 

 

Kickpickfish - Did you suffer from insomnia any during your withdrawal. At 8 months out I seem to have "forgotten" how to sleep and it is driving me crazy. Very stressful to say the least as I have never had insomnia in my life. Really want it to end soon.

Kickpickfish - Did you suffer from insomnia any during your withdrawal. At 8 months out I seem to have "forgotten" how to sleep and it is driving me crazy. Very stressful to say the least as I have never had insomnia in my life. Really want it to end soon.

 

Hi ama731mx1,

 

I've had a lot of insomnia issues.  It seems to depend on the phase of the wave for me (worst a couple days into the wave).  Some days I can sleep through the entire night, but other days my mind is turned on and I cannot seem to fall asleep no matter what I try.  I exercise daily and that seems to help the most, but sometimes it does no good.  Sometimes I wake up at 4am every morning for a week and sometimes I can sleep through the night for a couple of days in a row.  It's a crap shoot.  I don't think we have a lot of control over it.  I think it's part of the healing process.  You just have to do your best to accept it like you would for the pain from a broken leg.  In the end, it's the same thing.  Keep your focus on the big picture (like River's post of glory).  Everyone's glory is different, but everyone gets some at the end of this.

 

Kick

Kickpickfish - Did you suffer from insomnia any during your withdrawal. At 8 months out I seem to have "forgotten" how to sleep and it is driving me crazy. Very stressful to say the least as I have never had insomnia in my life. Really want it to end soon.

 

Hi ama731mx1,

 

I've had a lot of insomnia issues.  It seems to depend on the phase of the wave for me (worst a couple days into the wave).  Some days I can sleep through the entire night, but other days my mind is turned on and I cannot seem to fall asleep no matter what I try.  I exercise daily and that seems to help the most, but sometimes it does no good.  Sometimes I wake up at 4am every morning for a week and sometimes I can sleep through the night for a couple of days in a row.  It's a crap shoot.  I don't think we have a lot of control over it.  I think it's part of the healing process.  You just have to do your best to accept it like you would for the pain from a broken leg.  In the end, it's the same thing.  Keep your focus on the big picture (like River's post of glory).  Everyone's glory is different, but everyone gets some at the end of this.

 

Kick

 

Thanks for the supportive post, very much appreciated. I believe that you are correct that we don't have much control over it. I have been in a bad wave for a few days now and I have always slept like a baby, but I can't do it with a racing mind and anxiety in this wave. I don't feel as sick as I did closer to the end of my taper, but I have always been able to sleep until just recently, so obviously this wave is a bad one. I have been riding my mountain bike every night for exercise and I rode it this morning at 6:30AM because I hate the jacked up feeling that this crap give us. Exercise helps, but only temporarily. Thanks again and good healing !    

I just stumbled upon your post and cannot thank you enough for sharing it!  I have been experiencing this acutely since the very beginning of my taper and now into PAWS.  And never understood why.  I can now no longer be afraid!!!

Great Post, River.  Like so many of us, I've experienced intrusive thoughts, and even moreso, DP states of consciousness.  I began to catch on to basically what you seem to be writing, when it comes to DP, and I have been able to confront my feelings most often objectively, neither passing judgement nor allowing myself to remain in fear.  I think that your method is right on the mark, and a way in this journey to success, and I'm glad to read reinforcement on that subject tonight.

 

However, I have trouble letting go of certain things, specifically crushing emotional pain associated with loss of loved ones (not entirely recent), and although I confront them, the pain has not abatted. I continue to get floods of thoughts about these losses, more often than I would like, and even though I feel like I'm confronting it and facing it for what it is, I still cannot feel release.  I think my mind is becoming more powerful, and I'm glad, but all of the thoughts -- good or bad -- that the tranquilization has been covering for so many years, are now blaring loud.

I think the process just takes care of itself.

 

There will come a time in your recovery  when the intrusive thoughts will settle down.

 

The transformation has already taken place. Later on it will make more sense to you.

 

Right now you have to get through this intense period and you will be fine .

 

 

River

 

.

 

Hiya Riverwolf,

 

I came across this post today.  Very timely.  As I'm guessing you are aware, I'm much less a glass half full kind of person than yourself.  You frequently amaze me in how to take what was an exceedingly challenging time in your life and pull out whatever gold there is.  This post reminded me of the old story of the optimist and the pessimist. I can actually see you shoveling the manure and saying "With all this sh*t, there HAS to be a pony in here somewhere!" <grin>

 

I have been where you were and am beginning to enter where you got to when you wrote this post initially.  It's not over for me, but the improvement is significant.  I never expected to say that. This has been the hardest part for me with the longest duration.  I expected to endure this for the rest of my life. But it is becoming clear that things are changing.

 

When going through it, it feels very traumatic.  But it really does appear that there can be ultimately an amazing outcome.  I agree, this is much like many psychological tenants, like EMDR etc.  Reprocessing so much of ones life and truly coming out the other side having resolved so much.  I can't say I would have asked for this as I can't imagine I've experienced anything quite this painful, but am surprised and very grateful that something good does wait at the exit.

 

My priorities HAVE changed, my concerns ARE different.  I am different.  I am not shackled to the shoulds of my life prior.  Not to be corney, but my main goal now, having weathered the worst storms, is to make the rest of my life, the best of my life

 

Thanks for posting this. It gave me the words I have been unable to identify for myself.

 

 

WWWI

WW - What inspired this op was not due to a positive attitude - it was from me walking around in my backyard talking to myself saying ' Why do I feel so different? Why do I feel like a different person? Why do I feel BETTER than I did before?"

 

I am one of those people whose life is based on the big questions - Who are we? Where did we come from? What are we doing here? And Where are we going? I live, breathe, and dream this stuff.

 

So, self inquiry and self analysis is second nature for me, and after I got my brain and nervous system back and  I noticed I felt like a different person, I started unpacking the events and details of wd to see if I could find the cause.

 

When i discovered that by just witnessing the flood of intrusive thoughts that were automatically triggered by the process of withdrawal was the mechanism responsible for the change, I couldn't help being a bit grateful for the big hammer visited upon me.

 

The positive attitude reflected in this topic is really based on the gratitude I feel for all of the 'free therapy' that I described in the op that helped me become a happier person.

 

I actually DID find a pony in the mountain of horse sh*t that is called benzo withdrawal.

 

Love your posts WW - and I think that as your recovery progresses and you move into a new and better life, you attitude will become the glass half full kind. 

 

 

 

 

River