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15 months no windows and healed in an instant. Beyond weird


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Hello all of you who are going through this nightmare. There will be a day when you will not even think of a benzo, withdrawal or all the other crap that goes with this nonsense. I know it is your full time job 24/7 now but it's coming.  Time really is the healer. You will get there. I actually tried not to get there. Didn't work out, ate whatever was put in front of me, went through a divorce. Healing still found me and I now feel better than I have in twenty years mentally

I apologize in advance for this being so long but I have to get it all in now because to be honest, it is really beyond hard to come back and not try to reach out to every person on here and try to help you feel better. I hurt and empathize with each and everyone of you and have spent three days on here trying to figure out how to do that and have come to the conclusion that the only way is to write my success story fully and to move on with my life. I now know this is the real reason many probably do not come back to write one. They are finally over this horrible nightmare and it is really hard to come back, rehash it again and just move on feeling as though you left those hurting behind. So they just start living again because hell is finally behind them.

I took dr prescribed clonazepam .05 for 20yrs for sleep problems associated with a constant overall feeling of tingling but mainly in the hands and face to the point it would keep me awake most of the night. During this time the dr also said I needed to take an anti depressant with this even though I told him over and over I wasn't depressed in the least. He just assured me that these two medicines were totally safe and non addictive and my condition needed both of these medicines. This dr was nationally known at the time, had his own radio show, blah blah blah. It was the nineties before the Internet and most people just trusted their dr.

After adjusting my medicine up slowly over 6 months I finally felt like my old self again except for I was sleepier than normal. At least I could sleep again and not feel like I was hooked up to a battery all the time. But slowly and I mean slowly things started to break down. My ability to empathize with my wife started to decline. I just couldn't care about her problems and worries and this killed me and hurt her and this just led to more problems. I slowly grew colder over the years. About 5 to 7 yrs in I started losing feelings of happiness, joy, anger etc. All emotions just started fading. At 10-12 years I figure I was really moving toward not feeling other people's emotions at all and the only thing I could feel were my kids happiness and sex. Fishing and golf might give me some joy every other time but pretty soon it was so few and far between I just quit trying. By yr 15 the only thing that gave me joy was now not happening at all anymore and things were getting unbearably miserable but it all happened so slowly I just wrote it off to getting older and stress. On the outside everything looked fine. On the inside I was a shell of the man I used to be. Thanks benzos and antidepressants for absolutely gutting me emotionally on the inside and leaving me looking fine to the rest of the world. Then my wife asked me to leave after 20yrs and I couldn't blame her. I thought I had hit rock bottom but that was coming up in a few weeks in a hospital after a cold turkey detox. I was familiar with bb's and knew cold turkey in a detox was not the smoothest way to go but knew at this point I would not make it through a long withdrawal and felt this was my only option. I remember the hour and a half drive to the hospital feeling as though I was going to my own slaughter....and it nearly was. They didn't tell me when I would be taken off clonazepam but once I started having seizures I kind of figured it out. Actually during this time I couldn't rationally think well at all. While feeling mentally like a completely different person and physically drained I was required to go to classes to help keep me off of drugs and alcohol (I never drank btw). I was asked to analyze why I turned to drugs in the first place even though I should have known drugs ruin families and lives. Later on I would have asked if this was why they were now FORCING me to take SEVEN DIFFERENT DRUGS instead of the one I came in here on. I instead always responded with "because a doctor told me it was in my best interest" They looked at me like I was a psychopath. Btw, I had a roommate in there that told me he was a psychopath but that he was fine now. 3 days later a nurse came to me and told me we needed to be separated because my roommate told them he wanted to kill me. He didn't have a reason for her he just said he really wanted to kill me. Would you like to guess who my roommate was that night, yep, same guy. Nurses said they didn't hear about it from the other nurses and there were no more beds so it was there or in a chair in another room. I was in such bad shape at that point that I walked right in and listened to him snore all night so I could get up early and go to guilt classes all day because I was now considered an addict because of what a doctor told me to take and was still prescribing. This went on for three weeks. My mind I guess finally started to work well enough to decide I have got to get out of here. They helped get me off of clonazepam and for that I'm thankful. The next day I left that place with a prescription list with the seven medicines on it including a z-drug. My mind was finally clear enough to realize that these people really do not even begin to realize what this problem is all about and have no idea how to make it better. The medical field in our country (check out Great Britain, they are on the right track) does not recognize or know how do deal with this problem and cannot help you. They are only trained to give more medicine, the very ones that got us here in the first place.

 

This, this right here was my rock bottom.

 

A former college basketball player. A deacon in my church, helped run the family business, had a wife and two beautiful kids and my dream home. And now, because of these stupid little pills given to me by a well intentioned dr, It was all gone. I had lost everything. And now an added bonus. I get to enjoy the experience of a benzo withdrawal while my parents are forced to take care of me for who knows how long. Yeah that was the absolute rock bottom. My parents are absolute angels by the way. They are hard working people and I admire them immensely. It would have been normal and noble for them to have tried and "pushed" me to get better. If I would have been in their shoes I would have and I expected it, but they did not. Thank goodness, it would have made it unbearable.

For 15 months afterward mentally I stayed exactly the same. I didn't have windows and waves. A few symptoms came and went but mentally it was the exact same everyday since leaving the hospital. The closest I can explain it to is the feeling of total fear 24/7. I knew I was safe but my body and mind didn't care. They were fully geeked out ready to flee at all times. I guess if you take a tranquilizer that is only supposed to be taken for 14 days or less and a dr prescribes it to you everyday for 20yrs this feeling should be expected. Everything was odd and uncomfortable. After not being afraid of anything my first 48 years of life I was now afraid to talk to the very people I loved. I was afraid to call my own kids and I could not for the life of me understand or think this would ever be possible. Yes I did pray everyday for the good lord to take me home during these 15 months but it didn't happen. I decided just to hang on only for my kids sake, my family, a few friends and a friend here on BB's (Hello fluter, I hope you are doing well my friend). My physical body was basically fine,  just a few skin problems and daily muscle aches, but that was about it, I actually knew it could be much worse so I might as well put it to work even though my mind screamed no. After 4-5months in I went to the office. A few hours for a few days and then a half day for a few and then full days. My sister and another secretary were in the office too and they were so good to me. At around this time I did start to feel my emotions were trying "to get going again"

I have hesitated to tell anyone this next part because I personally haven't read of it before here on bb's myself because it's usually in phases, waves and windows if you will, but one day after 15months of no change, no windows and in absolute fear still, I was sitting at a desk in my office where I faked work every day and POW!!! As though a switch had been flipped I was suddenly without fear. I sat there in absolute shock. Immediately after this I  wanted to go outside, and then immediately after that started wanting to see this person and that friend and this restraunt and that place. It was all a whirlwind. One minute I was in total mental torment who hated the thought of even having to say hi to the people I loved and the next minute wanting to go outside and then go see every friend and loved one I ever knew. Yes, it was a bit of a shock. The thought ran through my head that night that it could be one of those windows people talked about but I felt so me I knew that even if it came back I would be fine. I was instantly better but it took a few days to kind of grasp it all. The only thing that wasn't fully back was emotional feelings. That slowly started coming back after a month and was probably fully back within a few months.

I'm off all meds now and feel better than I have in years. My highlight was taking my kids on our first ski trip together this past spring break and it went really well.

I wish the best for all of you. Hang in there my friends. I've watched many on bb's do it over the years and it will happen for you too

 

Things I wish I knew during withdrawal

1. It may not be as hard to get off the other meds you are currently taking. This problem terrified me as I thought I would be tapering meds for the rest of my life and it would be grueling and terrible. It was actually a non event and this shocked me. I took around 6-8 months to get off 3 meds and honestly I never once felt a thing. Be careful and safe but also realize that the vast majority of people come off of medicines easily. I truly believe the long term protracted withdrawal from benzos is rare but it did happen to all of us and we are just a wee little amped up about medicines now. Forgive us please, we got a little bit screwed.

2. If everyone gets better why the complete lack of success stories in comparison to how many I think should really be on here if we all heal? I can only answer this for me but one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life is come back here even after 10-12 months of feeling good and write my story. I skipped work again today because it is so emotionally grueling for me....and I am basically a country boy redneck who looked so forward to the day I could finally write my success story, give a few people some hope and move on with life. I was mistaken. It is very hard to come back here for many reasons. 1) You come back only to see everyone going through all the hell you went through and you feel all the pain and hurt and worry again as if you are going through it again and it's very scary and you want to run 2) You feel all of the pain of the ones still suffering and it makes you hurt for them. Very very painful . 4) You don't want to sound like you are coming back to rub it in all the ones still hurtings faces. That is a real fear and it makes you want to just not write anything 3) It reminds you that there is still not a lot understood about it and benzos are still being dispensed everyday like candy even after all our horror stories. It feels as though we are not being heard or cared about so we should just move on and let it go. People  really do not come back because it really is hard coming back to the suffering. Once you are healed from cancer you don't want to go hang out in a cancer ward and just chill and chat. Only the truly gifted I believe can do that. If you do see ones that have healed come back to help for awhile they are way stronger than I ever imagined being and I view them as an absolute hero.

3. If you keep yourself alive and away from these "meds" you will get better. I honestly believe that now. Do not stop believing that fellow soldiers. I did stop...but I still healed anyway. The other side really is worth it.

4. I had totally lost the ability to enjoy anything. I once enjoyed all kinds of activities fishing, golfing, laughing and talking with friends, strangers and loved ones alike, vacations, sex blah blah blah but all this slowly dwindled to absolutely nothing over the years. This has ALL returned. It took awhile but it did get there and it is more than well  worth it to hang on for!!!!

I wish you all the best. I will try to come back if I can but honestly don't believe I will be able to. But all of you are worth it. You are loved. And there are people pulling for you just to survive today so one day you can and will experience the joy of life again. We need you!! Your loved ones need you!! Just keep going and survive today

 

 

 

 

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thanks very much for coming back and open the door to hell , you just have to take a peek into it and you now are able close it again. And leave it far behind you. I hope to get there too... I cried all the time reading your successtory as I can relate to your story as I am in constant fear most of the time too. People say you are thinking wrong you have nothing to be fearfull of. but I tell them It is my body that is scared ....they cannot grasp that feeling... you described it perfectly.

If you have not been there it probably is impossible to understand, it is so surreal. Anyway enjoy your life again and thank you for giving me hope ...for a short time at least...

 

 

Hello all of you who are going through this nightmare. There will be a day when you will not even think of a benzo, withdrawal or all the other crap that goes with this nonsense. I know it is your full time job 24/7 now but it's coming.  Time really is the healer. You will get there. I actually tried not to get there. Didn't work out, ate whatever was put in front of me, went through a divorce. Healing still found me and I now feel better than I have in twenty years mentally

I apologize in advance for this being so long but I have to get it all in now because to be honest, it is really beyond hard to come back and not try to reach out to every person on here and try to help you feel better. I hurt and empathize with each and everyone of you and have spent three days on here trying to figure out how to do that and have come to the conclusion that the only way is to write my success story fully and to move on with my life. I now know this is the real reason many probably do not come back to write one. They are finally over this horrible nightmare and it is really hard to come back, rehash it again and just move on feeling as though you left those hurting behind. So they just start living again because hell is finally behind them.

I took dr prescribed clonazepam .05 for 20yrs for sleep problems associated with a constant overall feeling of tingling but mainly in the hands and face to the point it would keep me awake most of the night. During this time the dr also said I needed to take an anti depressant with this even though I told him over and over I wasn't depressed in the least. He just assured me that these two medicines were totally safe and non addictive and my condition needed both of these medicines. This dr was nationally known at the time, had his own radio show, blah blah blah. It was the nineties before the Internet and most people just trusted their dr.

After adjusting my medicine up slowly over 6 months I finally felt like my old self again except for I was sleepier than normal. At least I could sleep again and not feel like I was hooked up to a battery all the time. But slowly and I mean slowly things started to break down. My ability to empathize with my wife started to decline. I just couldn't care about her problems and worries and this killed me and hurt her and this just led to more problems. I slowly grew colder over the years. About 5 to 7 yrs in I started losing feelings of happiness, joy, anger etc. All emotions just started fading. At 10-12 years I figure I was really moving toward not feeling other people's emotions at all and the only thing I could feel were my kids happiness and sex. Fishing and golf might give me some joy every other time but pretty soon it was so few and far between I just quit trying. By yr 15 the only thing that gave me joy was now not happening at all anymore and things were getting unbearably miserable but it all happened so slowly I just wrote it off to getting older and stress. On the outside everything looked fine. On the inside I was a shell of the man I used to be. Thanks benzos and antidepressants for absolutely gutting me emotionally on the inside and leaving me looking fine to the rest of the world. Then my wife asked me to leave after 20yrs and I couldn't blame her. I thought I had hit rock bottom but that was coming up in a few weeks in a hospital after a cold turkey detox. I was familiar with bb's and knew cold turkey in a detox was not the smoothest way to go but knew at this point I would not make it through a long withdrawal and felt this was my only option. I remember the hour and a half drive to the hospital feeling as though I was going to my own slaughter....and it nearly was. They didn't tell me when I would be taken off clonazepam but once I started having seizures I kind of figured it out. Actually during this time I couldn't rationally think well at all. While feeling mentally like a completely different person and physically drained I was required to go to classes to help keep me off of drugs and alcohol (I never drank btw). I was asked to analyze why I turned to drugs in the first place even though I should have known drugs ruin families and lives. Later on I would have asked if this was why they were now FORCING me to take SEVEN DIFFERENT DRUGS instead of the one I came in here on. I instead always responded with "because a doctor told me it was in my best interest" They looked at me like I was a psychopath. Btw, I had a roommate in there that told me he was a psychopath but that he was fine now. 3 days later a nurse came to me and told me we needed to be separated because my roommate told them he wanted to kill me. He didn't have a reason for her he just said he really wanted to kill me. Would you like to guess who my roommate was that night, yep, same guy. Nurses said they didn't hear about it from the other nurses and there were no more beds so it was there or in a chair in another room. I was in such bad shape at that point that I walked right in and listened to him snore all night so I could get up early and go to guilt classes all day because I was now considered an addict because of what a doctor told me to take and was still prescribing. This went on for three weeks. My mind I guess finally started to work well enough to decide I have got to get out of here. They helped get me off of clonazepam and for that I'm thankful. The next day I left that place with a prescription list with the seven medicines on it including a z-drug. My mind was finally clear enough to realize that these people really do not even begin to realize what this problem is all about and have no idea how to make it better. The medical field in our country (check out Great Britain, they are on the right track) does not recognize or know how do deal with this problem and cannot help you. They are only trained to give more medicine, the very ones that got us here in the first place.

 

This, this right here was my rock bottom.

 

A former college basketball player. A deacon in my church, helped run the family business, had a wife and two beautiful kids and my dream home. And now, because of these stupid little pills given to me by a well intentioned dr, It was all gone. I had lost everything. And now an added bonus. I get to enjoy the experience of a benzo withdrawal while my parents are forced to take care of me for who knows how long. Yeah that was the absolute rock bottom. My parents are absolute angels by the way. They are hard working people and I admire them immensely. It would have been normal and noble for them to have tried and "pushed" me to get better. If I would have been in their shoes I would have and I expected it, but they did not. Thank goodness, it would have made it unbearable.

For 15 months afterward mentally I stayed exactly the same. I didn't have windows and waves. A few symptoms came and went but mentally it was the exact same everyday since leaving the hospital. The closest I can explain it to is the feeling of total fear 24/7. I knew I was safe but my body and mind didn't care. They were fully geeked out ready to flee at all times. I guess if you take a tranquilizer that is only supposed to be taken for 14 days or less and a dr prescribes it to you everyday for 20yrs this feeling should be expected. Everything was odd and uncomfortable. After not being afraid of anything my first 48 years of life I was now afraid to talk to the very people I loved. I was afraid to call my own kids and I could not for the life of me understand or think this would ever be possible. Yes I did pray everyday for the good lord to take me home during these 15 months but it didn't happen. I decided just to hang on only for my kids sake, my family, a few friends and a friend here on BB's (Hello fluter, I hope you are doing well my friend). My physical body was basically fine,  just a few skin problems and daily muscle aches, but that was about it, I actually knew it could be much worse so I might as well put it to work even though my mind screamed no. After 4-5months in I went to the office. A few hours for a few days and then a half day for a few and then full days. My sister and another secretary were in the office too and they were so good to me. At around this time I did start to feel my emotions were trying "to get going again"

I have hesitated to tell anyone this next part because I personally haven't read of it before here on bb's myself because it's usually in phases, waves and windows if you will, but one day after 15months of no change, no windows and in absolute fear still, I was sitting at a desk in my office where I faked work every day and POW!!! As though a switch had been flipped I was suddenly without fear. I sat there in absolute shock. Immediately after this I  wanted to go outside, and then immediately after that started wanting to see this person and that friend and this restraunt and that place. It was all a whirlwind. One minute I was in total mental torment who hated the thought of even having to say hi to the people I loved and the next minute wanting to go outside and then go see every friend and loved one I ever knew. Yes, it was a bit of a shock. The thought ran through my head that night that it could be one of those windows people talked about but I felt so me I knew that even if it came back I would be fine. I was instantly better but it took a few days to kind of grasp it all. The only thing that wasn't fully back was emotional feelings. That slowly started coming back after a month and was probably fully back within a few months.

I'm off all meds now and feel better than I have in years. My highlight was taking my kids on our first ski trip together this past spring break and it went really well.

I wish the best for all of you. Hang in there my friends. I've watched many on bb's do it over the years and it will happen for you too

 

Things I wish I knew during withdrawal

1. It may not be as hard to get off the other meds you are currently taking. This problem terrified me as I thought I would be tapering meds for the rest of my life and it would be grueling and terrible. It was actually a non event and this shocked me. I took around 6-8 months to get off 3 meds and honestly I never once felt a thing. Be careful and safe but also realize that the vast majority of people come off of medicines easily. I truly believe the long term protracted withdrawal from benzos is rare but it did happen to all of us and we are just a wee little amped up about medicines now. Forgive us please, we got a little bit screwed.

2. If everyone gets better why the complete lack of success stories in comparison to how many I think should really be on here if we all heal? I can only answer this for me but one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life is come back here even after 10-12 months of feeling good and write my story. I skipped work again today because it is so emotionally grueling for me....and I am basically a country boy redneck who looked so forward to the day I could finally write my success story, give a few people some hope and move on with life. I was mistaken. It is very hard to come back here for many reasons. 1) You come back only to see everyone going through all the hell you went through and you feel all the pain and hurt and worry again as if you are going through it again and it's very scary and you want to run 2) You feel all of the pain of the ones still suffering and it makes you hurt for them. Very very painful . 4) You don't want to sound like you are coming back to rub it in all the ones still hurtings faces. That is a real fear and it makes you want to just not write anything 3) It reminds you that there is still not a lot understood about it and benzos are still being dispensed everyday like candy even after all our horror stories. It feels as though we are not being heard or cared about so we should just move on and let it go. People  really do not come back because it really is hard coming back to the suffering. Once you are healed from cancer you don't want to go hang out in a cancer ward and just chill and chat. Only the truly gifted I believe can do that. If you do see ones that have healed come back to help for awhile they are way stronger than I ever imagined being and I view them as an absolute hero.

3. If you keep yourself alive and away from these "meds" you will get better. I honestly believe that now. Do not stop believing that fellow soldiers. I did stop...but I still healed anyway. The other side really is worth it.

4. I had totally lost the ability to enjoy anything. I once enjoyed all kinds of activities fishing, golfing, laughing and talking with friends, strangers and loved ones alike, vacations, sex blah blah blah but all this slowly dwindled to absolutely nothing over the years. This has ALL returned. It took awhile but it did get there and it is more than well  worth it to hang on for!!!!

I wish you all the best. I will try to come back if I can but honestly don't believe I will be able to. But all of you are worth it. You are loved. And there are people pulling for you just to survive today so one day you can and will experience the joy of life again. We need you!! Your loved ones need you!! Just keep going and survive today

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Congratulation for you to make it to the other side. So happy for you! It was wonderful to see your success story. It's give me a hope and strength to push forward. 12 months out and no window yet suffering everyday with terrible head pain, fair I never going to heal,crying every day.

Healing dos happen and I'm so greatfull for you and thank you with all my heart to coming back and give us hope.

God bless you and wishing you a beautiful life

Vica

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Congratulations on healing and coming back to share your story and give us hope that we too may heal.  Much needed today.
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Congratulations, Dave! Thank you so much for coming back to share your success story. It is wonderful.

My rehab experience was similar to yours, I pray when I am healed I have the courage to go there to speak with the doctor in an effort to inspire him to educate himself and others, after I got there he questioned weather I should be there at all and on day 4 he agreed it would be best for me to go home. Even that was tramatic, some very kind folks there were crying upset that I would go home and have a seizure or start "using" again. It is still to difficult for me to really think about my time there. Anyways, I understand you may not be back to read these comments, but in case you are I wanted to tell you how much it means to all of us that you shared your story. Blessing and love to you always.

Enjoy :smitten: :smitten: :smitten:

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Just really amazing, Dave, especially about the part where everything fell into place. The realization just hitting suddenly that you're well!! That's what's so confusing for all of us. How does this happen? Not having had a full window in so long, I get very, very discouraged. What you mentioned about feeling the same is what I usually feel like. So happy for you!!! Now you have your life back, are drug-free, and feeling the freedom you always knew was there within you. CONGRATULATIONS!!!  :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
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Thank you Dave for  finding the courage to come back and write your success story . And congratulations on your healing .

Enjoy you life med free!  :thumbsup::clap::yippee:

 

MiYu

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I'm so happy for you Dave!! It's wonderful that you get to start living your life again!!

 

The fact that you healed out of nowhere also gives so many of us hope....maybe we will do the same!

 

I was wondering if you had any positive signs before you had that "I'm healed" moment? Was there anything out of the normal routine that could have foreshadowed your recovery?

 

Thanks again! I hope life brings you so many blessings! :smitten:

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Congratulations to you Dave! Can't thank you enough for coming back to share your story...

 

It is amazing that you were healed so suddenly and miraculously! So happy for you!

 

But for me, the part that helped the most was when you said you didn't do anything special in terms of exercise or diet. That really helped me because I feel like I am trying so hard to do things right ... putting pressure on myself to exercise every day and eat healthy and feeling bad if I don't do it one day... thank you for helping me relax a little.

 

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Thank you Dave and Congratulations! I can understand that it is hard to revisit such a painful place,

but thank you for having the courage to do it. Even if we never see you again, you give HOPE. And those of that read Don Killian know how important that can be. It's so encouraging to know that healing can and WILL happen. Go out and live every day to the fullest. You deserve every bit of joy and happiness that is coming your way. The rest of us are not far behind. We'll join you in celebrating

when the time is right. Many thanks again, and happy life😅

New Girl

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Congratulations Dave! Thanks for coming back to give us hopes. I'm almost 11 months and no real windows. I hope to be healed like you.

 

Tracy

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Congratulations!!!!!!!  :) :) :) :)

 

This is wonderful to hear! So happy for you.  Enjoy the rest of your life!

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Thank you.

A brilliant explanation of why there is such a shortage of success stories. 

Thank you for hope.

I wish you every happiness.

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Ive read this a few times and I can really feel your true personally shine through. Its an AMAZING story and offers so much hope to us that dont really get windows, just the same day after day in varying degrees. It may be taking me longer and that is difficult to accept at times. There's still so much hope here as we are all so different in our healing time. Thank you so much for writing this.  :smitten:
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Congrat's Dave!! There is still hope.

 

When you said you could feel again. Did you have emotional numbness without windows? Just trying to figure out if I will heal one day. When everyone on here mention's windows do you guy's mean physical symptoms or emotional flatness? This seems to be my worst symptom besides insomnia.

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Congrats on your recovery. And thanks so much for leaving a story. I hope you enjoy your life like every day might be the last. This experience would certainly reinforce that for you. Make it a good life from here on out because you deserve it!!! Thanks again!
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Congratulations Dave!!!! Your story is an Inspiration and gives me hope, thank you so much!!

 

Love Jackie :smitten: :smitten:

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you to everyone on here with all your well wishes. Now no matter what, when each and everyone of you heal please promise me you will come back and leave a success story for all the rest.

I wish you all the best. Hang on, your day is coming!!

Dave 86

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  • 2 weeks later...
I just love you to pieces for enduring the emotional and mental pain that writing  your success story for us would have put you through.  The memory of such harsh events and the re-realisation that our western way has got it so wrong and we continue to hurt our own is a moral dilemma and to us victims a wrestle of rejection from a society we felt safe in.  I'm not there yet Dave but am working parttime and physically at 12 months dealing with pitting edema of my hands so unable to do a lot.  It your story has given me strong resolve to return and while so many success stories mention that they had 'every symptom known' that's little consolation to others still suffering.  Your honesty and integrity alone for returning ... and some ... is going to enable me to sleep tonight. Thankyou
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