Stuck on lorazepam taper - need help please

I've made some mistakes in my taper since I wasn't educated, following my doctor's advice and scared of continuing.

April 2022: on 3mg of lorazepam sublingual (for 4 years) [1mg afternoon, 2mg bedtime], reduced afternoon by 0.25mg --> 0.75mg afternoon, 2mg bedtime (2.75mg total)

didn't feel any effects, was very functional and optimistic

May 2022: reduced afternoon by 0.25mg --> 0.5mg afternoon, 2mg bedtime

started well, began experiencing mild issues in June (brain fog, off balance, hypersensitivity, low ferritin)

June 2022 - Jan 2023: held tapered dose 2.5mg for 8 months

symptoms gradually worsened, would remain functional for 1-2 weeks in the month, terrible fatigue, weakness, breathlessness, brain fog, upset stomach, diharrea, etc. rest of the month

Jan 2023: doc suggested reducing afternoon dose every other day 0.5mg one day, 0.25mg next, 0.5, 0.25, etc

2 weeks into this I was feeling very wonked out: lethargic, weakness, nausea, upset stomach, increased anxiety, DPDR, chemical sensation in brain

researched and realized yo-yo'ing my dose was causing more issues, so I decided to step down to 0.25 afternoon, 2mg bedtime (symptoms got a bit better)

Feb 2023: 2 weeks into reduction, got very sick, thought it was a flu/infection (extreme exhaustion, weakness, shaking, shivering, hot and cold, burning skin, sweating, severe nausea, diharrea, unable to move my body, fuzzy head, lightheadedness, DPDR, extreme paranoia, distress, panic, depression, hopelessness, etc.)

got so terrified that I reduced way too much, so I updosed back to 0.5mg afternoon, 2mg bedtime (stabilized after a few days)

March 2023: 2 weeks into updose, I started declining over 3 days (increased fatigue, weakness, upset stomach, lack of appetite, increased anxiety, panic and terror, crying spells, chemical sensations in brain, head rushing, shaking, depression, hopelessness)

got so terrified that the same thing was happening as Feb, so I updosed 0.5mg to 0.75mg afternoon, 2mg bedtime

symptoms improved only slightly, but still felt very weak, head pressure, chemical sensations in brain, head rushing, dizziness, no appetite, very unstable

today I took 0.5mg afternoon, because I don't want to be dependent on another increase to have to taper

*I am totally unable to function, I am bedridden, cannot complete daily tasks besides using the washroom and occasionally getting my own water.

**I've been taking sublingual tablets the entire time, they're totally unsustainable to taper due to their size, so I'm trying to figure out how to proceed, but i know I have to change the formula to either oral tablet to dry cut, or I can have a liquid compounded with the oral tablet (0.1ml per 1ml)

I have several questions:

1. I think holding my taper of 0.5mg for so many months I think was a big mistake because it worsened things over time, and brought me to what is probably tolerance withdrawal?

2. my symptoms throughout the day are always different, they intensify at different times, so it's hard to find a pattern with dosing (also understand that withdrawal is unpredictable) can I be experiencing both interdose and tolerance withdrawals at the same time?

3. lorazepam being so short acting I am wondering what's best to do next: splitting my dose into 3 or 4 times per day for better levels? will taking away my big evening dose make me feel worse?

4. being on lorazepam sublingual, could I have a slightly better time with the oral tablets because they're just a smidge longer in the body? (I know it's improbable!)

5. being on short acting and suffering severe withdrawals, can I really continue with this drug? Am I prolonging my suffering by remaining with it?

6. I feel conflicted on crossing over to diazepam, partly due to a bad experience in 2019 (ended up with reaction in ER, unclear if it was from diazepam, or abrupt switch from lorazepam to diazepam in 24 hrs) and all the mixed info. I am afraid that I will have a hard time tolerating the switch: (1) withdrawing from lorazepam as I cross, and (2) pumping myself with a new benzo and potentially feeling worse? I feel really conflicted

7. given my sensitivity, is a microtaper better for me than a cut and hold?

8. I know that withdrawal will be a pain regardless, but since I've hit this level of feeling terrible constantly, is it possible that I may not stabilize again between further reductions on my way down and I still have to keep going regardless? I am afraid that since I feel so symptomatic and terrible that I may not know when I feel ok to cut more? Would it be possible for me to do more harm because of this?

9. regardless of the way forward, I am overwhelmed by the calculations involved, how to make sure I stay on track

10. if I continue to take my medication and/or take small percentages away, I am worried that the severity of my symptoms means that I'm not medically "safe". Are the symptoms just terrible but I remain ok in terms of life-threatening symptoms because I'm maintaining my dose or changing it very slightly?

I really want to be able to get through this, as it has completely taken everything from me, I'm just feeling really lost and confused. Would really appreciate any insights. Thanks in advance!

I know it feels like you've made mistakes with your taper but the choices you made don't have to define your taper going forward or your recovery.  I feel too many people blame their tapers for the difficulties they face when its just the nature of this process to be unpredictable and difficult.  We try to assign blame or reasons why we feel like we do but sometimes its just not possible, there is no explanation.  I hope you can let your past challenges and decisions go and try to focus on the way forward with confidence.

1. Its possible you are experiencing tolerance but it doesn't matter at this point since you know you need to continue your taper.

2. Yes, you can be dealing with interdose as well as tolerance.

3. Most Ativan users dose 3 times a day and yes, sacrificing your heavy evening dose may affect your sleep.

4. Switching to a regular tablet will have an effect, I'm not sure it will be beneficial, the only way to find out is to try it.

5. Many have successfully tapered from Ativan, I don't get the impression you're suffering from severe interdose which is the only time I recommend switching to longer acting.

6. No need at this point.

7. I'd continue with cut and hold until you're sure its not working for you, some members have said the small daily reductions can become too much for them.

8. We can't know how we'll react to each reduction, some can go well, others hurt more.  Hopefully, if you record your reductions and rate your symptom severity this will help you make your taper decisions.

9. Good record keeping is key and we can help with the calculations.

10. Tapering is the safest way to get off of these drugs, if you're worried about seizures, they're rare unless you are prone to them but can occur with a cold turkey or rapid withdrawal from a very high dose which you aren't on.

For your information, in some countries Ativan comes from the manufacturer in liquid form.