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Need Help With Valium Taper


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Hey all,

 

I'm 25 years old. Been on and off of benzos for the last decade or so to treat moderate-severe OCD, panic disorder and GAD. Never have taken them long term/frequently until Fall of 2021, when my health anxiety got so bad I couldn't handle it. I was put on 2 mg of klonopin a day and 10 mg valium. Also started drinking pretty frequently and heavily around this time.

 

Fast forward to October of 2022 and my life was really falling apart. I thankfully had the foresight to switch my klonopin over to valium, anticipating the need to taper. Was having extremely severe panic attacks, drinking to try and cope, etc. I CTed off the alcohol in October of last year, which was easy enough, as thankfully I wasn't an everyday drinker. My benzo usage at this time was around 40-80 mg a day, depending on symptoms. Was basically just self medicating depending on my symptoms and didn't know what to do.

 

In early December of last year (2022), I decided to go to a rehab center in Malibu, California that claimed to use the Ashton Method for tapering people off of benzos. As I lived on the east coast, and have developed a very extreme fear of flying, I had to drive. The agoraphobia from the benzos was so bad at that point that I couldn't drive for more than 10-20 minutes at a time and didn't know how I was going to make the 30 hour drive to CA. I was instructed to "take whatever you need" to get myself to the rehab center and they would deal with it when I got there. A friend drove me and I was taking probably 100-150 mg of valium a day for around 3 days in the car. When I arrived, they stabilized me with 90 mg of valium a day, but I was still having severe anxiety, so they upped my dosage to 120 mg a day and started tapering me from there.

 

We began with 10 mg cuts every 5 days, as I hadn't been on a high dose for very long. Once I got to 40 mg, we decided we would start cutting by 5 mgs until we got to 30, when I started cutting by 2.5 mgs. First 2-3 months were (relatively) smooth sailing, and I quickly got down to 40 mg of valium in late January/February. Most notable symptoms throughout that entire time were a constantly shaking left foot (which I can make stop if I focus on it), and some significant social anxiety/agoraphobia/difficulty looking people in the eye, along with a few panic attacks here and there. In addition to all of this, I was titrated up to 2400 mg of gabapentin a day and also take 1200 mg of l-theanine a day. Have been on gabapentin and l-theanine since mid-december now.

 

Now I am at 23 mg and have been holding here since February 24th. The withdrawal symptoms have been intense. More difficult than anything I've ever experienced in my entire life. Daily panic attacks/extreme anxiety for the past week or so. Somehow I am still sleeping, maybe courtesy of the gabapentin. My mornings/early afternoons are the worst time. Panic and anxiety always hits worst in the morning for me.

 

I am wondering how to proceed from here. I have been extremely tempted to updose back to 25/30 mg, as I feel maybe this sudden spike in symptoms is a result of me going way too fast. At the same time, I don't want to lose any progress I might've already made. Also wondering if the gabapentin is helping or hindering me. Difficult to tell.

 

I'm thinking I just hold at 23 mg until I stabilize, and then proceed WAY slower. Not really sure what WAY slower looks like though. Maybe I start by trying to drop 1 mg every 1 or 2 weeks?

 

Apologies for the long story. Felt it was necessary to give some context here so someone might be better able to assist me.

 

Open to any and all suggestions, comments, or tapers plans.

 

Thanks.

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Are you still in the detox center or are you back home?  Are you able to control the speed of your taper from here on out?
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Stepped down from the detox facility to their "sober living" community on March 8th. I will be controlling the speed of my taper from here on out, no matter what.

 

The big reason I chose to come stay at this "sober living" place is because there is staff present at all times, which helps ease my health anxiety. I have this constant fear that I am going to just drop dead at any moment, because of how much stress my body feels like it is under.

 

I compulsively take EKG's on my apple watch and even bought a more advanced EKG device from amazon, because 3-4 times since last November I've gotten an Afib reading from my watch after taking an EKG, which really freaked me out. I've been to the ER from a particularly severe panic attack and they said there was absolutely no abnormalities in my heart rhythm.

 

Something that has been incredibly difficult to deal with is that the doctor and my family (father is also a doctor) will not even consider the possibility of me updosing to 25 or 30. Really hoping and praying that I will stabilize on the 23 mg.

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I'm glad to know you'll be in charge of your taper now. Many members talk about cuts catching up to them, they seem to go along just fine until they get walloped by symptoms, holding will hopefully lead to stabilization but it may take awhile. 

 

Most members have to slow down towards the end of their taper and they'll say the Ashton schedule's are too fast at this point so you may be looking at .5 mg reductions.  Do you plan to stay in the sober living facility until you're benzo free?  You understand there is considerable healing that must take place once drug free, recovery can take longer than the taper. 

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Yes that seems to be what happened. Was just cruising steadily and got slammed by symptoms. I am happy to report though that after a week of panic attacks, today has been (so far) the first day that I have not had a panic attack in about a week. I know how it is though: you feel fine and then new symptoms crop up or fade away.

 

I don't really know what other options I have other than to stay at this sober living facility. I am from Pittsburgh originally, and drove across the country to get here. Today I reached out to a couple benzowise doctors in California who might be able to help me a bit more. All of them are unfortunately located in or around San Fransisco.

 

Part of what keeps me at this sober living facility is that there are people around to help out. All of my meals are prepared for me and there is always staff on standby should I need something. I'm afraid to live alone but I'm willing to do it if it means getting better treatment.

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If you can afford it and you're comfortable there then I'm glad you're there, I was just making sure you understand how long it takes to recover.  I feel so bad when people finish their tapers and expect to feel better, average full recovery time seems to be between 1 and 2 years depending on length of use, genetics, age, general health and who knows what else?
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I can't afford it for much longer. Maybe 3 months at most. And then my options are to find something else in CA or get home to Pittsburgh somehow. But given my severe agoraphobia I do not know how I'd sit in a car again for 30 hours. I am also deeply afraid of flying.

 

I do understand how long it takes. That's why I'm trying to brainstorm solutions now, because I definitely cannot stay where I'm currently at for a year or two. A part of me regrets ever leaving home. But I was so lonely and having so much anxiety I didn't know what to do. I have essentially no support network for this.

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I am thinking about just getting an apartment in LA and tapering myself off instead of going through these institutions. My only fear about it is being alone so much and being able to control my medication intake. I don't want to take more than I should in an effort to stave off w/d symptoms.
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Try not to second guess your decision, you did what you had to do for you and you made it happen even though it was incredibly difficult.  And you've put a serious dent in your total dose so that's something to be proud of, now you can plan your next steps.

 

I'm sorry you don't have support at home, this can be an incredibly lonely and isolating experience.

 

Edit: Just saw your post about tapering on your own.  I have so much respect for people who can taper, I wouldn't have been able to even if I'd known it was necessary.  If you have doubts about your ability to do it then that's something to consider when making future plans.

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It is lonely. Causing me so much stress and panic. Thanks for the advice about not second guessing myself. I am just feeling like I do not matter to anybody, and I am going to die alone in this room.

 

I feel so weak and scared and panicky and powerless. It is such an insane feeling. Everyday is so hard. Thank you so much for engaging with me. You are the only person in my life right now who cares enough to respond.

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Try to remember the drug lies to us, its constantly telling us its hopeless and we'll never recover and I swear, these are the happy thoughts, they can get pretty dark as you know.  We lose the connection to ourselves which affects our connection to others, we don't feel human let alone like we belong.

 

I hope you'll work on staying positive, I know its difficult but I read this today and thought it had value.

 

Some people would say we are indeed 'brain damaged' but the brain is very plastic and has been proven to be able to heal. Our brains can heal and they will heal. I think mindset is very important though. You want to lead the brain in the direction you want it to go. This is why meditation is so helpful. Being in the present moment, noticing thoughts without reacting to each thought or believing in each negative thought. Just acknowledging it and letting it pass. A thought is a thought, a feeling is a feeling. It's not truth.

 

Nutrition is super important (took me a long time to be willing to change my diet, but it has helped). As someone else mentioned, processing old emotional stuff is important, just a bit at a time so as not to overwhelm yourself. I find journaling helpful for this. I pick something from the past that  I'm stuck on and I just write about it until I feel like I've reached some positive conclusion, like what I learned from it.

 

If you're not feeling hopeful right now, maybe just acknowledge that you don't feel hopeful without getting too involved in the feeling or aligning your thoughts with it. All these little things start to change the brain in positive ways that will be helpful going forward even past this journey.

 

Cheers,

Pickl

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Just had the paramedics here. Dad (who is a completely benzo-ignorant doctor), and mom are freaking out and fighting with me. Had a mind-shattering panic attack.

 

Don't know what to do, or where to go.

 

Feel completely trapped. This has been the hardest week of my life.

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I can stay where I'm at.

 

I just do not know how to deal with these horrific panic attacks. They come out of nowhere and nothing seems to work to stop them.

 

I am afraid. I am afraid I am not going to make it through this ordeal.

 

I need prayers and the strength and mercy of God.

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I'm so sorry Mark!! I've been barely hanging on myself all night!! It's so terrifying when you feel out of control! I'm so sorry that I can't offer you any words of advice to help you to cope as I don't know how to cope myself!! Please stay strong!! What did the paramedics suggest???? Anything??
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Do you have access to therapy, I'd sure take advantage of it if you can.  Have you dealt with panic attacks all of your life, are you getting direction in seeking non-drug therapies?
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Sending you prayers and hoping you can get some CBT therapy to learn to breathe thru it and surf those scary feelings that the adrenaline is causing.  Do you have a TV?  Ive found that the relaxation videos help immensely with my anxiety .....  Is your father not interested in learning more about Benzodiazepines and reading about the Ashton Method? 

 

You're not alone.

 

Alycat

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I've sent him countless resources and reading material so that he can educate himself more about this illness. He refuses to read any of it. Convinced that he knows everything because he is a doctor. Told me "Why are you prolonging it? Just get off of it in a month and be done with it."

 

So now I'm alone in California, 2500 miles from home, at a treatment facility I can't afford, and no idea what to do.

 

I know a plan is in place, I'll make it through this some how.

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Today and yesterday have been a bit better than the last couple of weeks, since I got slammed with so many symptoms all at once and felt like I was literally imploding.

 

How much longer should I give myself before I continue this taper? My plan is to go down to 22 next and see how I feel. Just not sure when to make the jump. Should I give myself a little more time to hang out at 23 before continuing? Don't want to just sit in tolerance here. Want to march my way to 0.

 

Also not sure whether to take this Remeron or not. I'm a bit concerned it'll interact with my nadolol, gabapentin, or valium.

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I brought it up to my psychiatrist after doing a fair amount of research on it.

 

I think it's officially prescribed to me for anxiety/depression/panic disorder/agoraphobia/moderate-severe OCD (which I've had since childhood).

 

I've read of the sedative effects of it, which many seem to take it for, but thankfully my sleep isn't too affected. I sleep at 10-11 pm and then "shoot awake" at around 5-7 am, somehow. Obviously my interest in it is the POTENTIAL for it to help me continue to make progress on my valium taper. I had a nice window yesterday and a nice one today after about a week of hell.

 

I am aware of the withdrawal support thread on here and the many mixed opinions on the drug. I have not taken it yet even though the prescription is here. I'd really like to tread lightly and triple check to make sure it doesn't interact in some weird way with my valium, gabapentin, or nadolol. Don't want to end up in polydrugged hell. Think maybe the best thing to do is give it another day and then maybe take 3.5 mg/s tomorrow night and see how I fare.

 

Want to also make a point to communicate here that I am NOT encouraging anybody to get on ANY medication. All posts that I write are strictly my personal experience. I do not give out medical advice of any sort!

 

 

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