Depression

Hi,

Anxiety and Depression got me into this mess, and I believe my antidepressant stopped working.  I stopped taking it in July with seemingly no difference.  Now I'm reducing Clonazepam I'm finding myself having crying jags, and feeling pretty useless.  This is going to take a long time and I feel like I'm trapped.  Can't go back, and feels like I'm not moving forward.  Depression isn't new, but finding it hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel.  I dread the thought of "talk therapy".  Its just the same old broken record of me.  I even feel guilty for posting this hear.  It feels like a personal failure. 

Not even sure what anyone could say about it.  I guess if I had a question is depression caused BY coming off this?  Is it just my normal state? 

Thanks.

I don't know if you want to hear from me again or if you're kinda sick of my voice (I get sick of me too, so I get it). 

If you've had depression prior to benzo's it might be a combination of both. Benzo withdrawal definitely causes depression in some people. I've had my days of depression where all of this just felt so overwhelming and unfair. I've had my share of crying. Lots of it. I usually get over it in a couple of days, but I haven't had depression prior to benzo's. I did have a therapist until recently and for me it helped just to get everything out and have my feelings validated. I needed someone to join my pity party and tell me just how awful and terrible my life is and that it's okay to feel miserable. That made me feel better. I know it probably sounds weird. It also helped not to dump all my emotions on my husband. So yes, you're right, therapy during this time does nothing other than talk. So if talking doesn't help you, it probably will not achieve anything.

You are not a failure. You are trying the best with an awful situation you've been given. You are in survival mode. Each day you are surviving means you have succeeded. This is probably the most difficult thing you'll ever do and there's no manual on how you should be dealing with the onslaught of physical, mental and emotional pain. I keep saying, your present is not your future. It will get better. 

Hi Jelly,

I enjoy hearing from you.  And here's another one for you, you were right.  Dropping the .25 2am dose was a bad idea.  I was feeling somewhat okay at .25 4x a day.  For right or for wrong I am switching to .50 3x day until I can get to see my Dr. on Oct 3rd and just lay the cards on the table.  I have to be able to function.  I never knew what "dose" I was on because I didn't take it everyday, and I've been stabbing around trying to find the minimum dose that I was "stable".  And you were also right, waking yourself up at 2am is counterproductive which is what I was doing to maintain 4x a day just to keep them even doses.  So to get it to daylight hours, evenly spaced and not break out scales, I'm going to .50 3x a day until I see the Dr.  I MUST stick to the regularity, my intense desire to not have anything to do with this drug has led me to make these mistakes.  Even though you guys see it everyday I thought maybe I was an exception and could do it quicker. 

Also in hurricane prep mode, I can not NOT function and lay here and cry trying to ignore a dangerous environment.  I'm inland but trees will still fall, power will still go out.  As strange as this may sound, having a storm right now is probably one of the more "normal" things I can be experiencing. 

Your thoughts as always are very much appreciated.  I'm sure I can't be the only one with rough starts on trying to get off this stuff. 

Hey StingRae,

I’m very sorry you’re are feeling so anxious and depressed. Take heart, I see a clear reason in your signature as to why you are experiencing these withdrawal symptoms, and they are withdrawal symptoms. Please don’t feel guilty or view any of what you are experiencing as a personal failure, it certainly is Not. Before I go any further, I want you to know that whatever your underlying issues may be with anxiety and depression, they can be overcome. I have often said to people that through trauma and emotional baggage, I felt like I missed my 20’s and some of my 30’s to depression, but I did overcome it. However, I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that what you are experiencing at the present time is related to an underlying condition, I feel like it’s actually withdrawal related. It’s quite possible that when you felt as though your antidepressant stopped working that the uptick in anxiety and depression were actually related to the clonazepam rather than the antidepressant. In regard to feeling trapped, with a long journey ahead, unable to go back, please know that this is normal to feel this way. You are very early on in your taper, and mistakes are being made. I feel like you are still going through the process of coming to terms with your situation. There can often be a grieving or mourning process we go through in situations like this. Loss is Loss, whether it’s the loss of a friend, family member, or in this case, the feeling of having lost your old life, you pine for it, as you would the loss of a close friend or family member. All loss if followed by a grieving process. This process often leads us to make mistakes early on in the taper because we’re impatient to get our old life back. This impatience leads us to push the taper too hard and too fast, and we suffer accordingly. Looking at your signature, it seems to me like you are stuck with a poor taper schedule. It’s very erratic, and looks like for the entirety of the month your reductions have been too big and too fast which has culminated in your signature looking like you have just spent the entire month just trying to stabilise. Please know that you will move through this grieving process over your old life and reach a state of acceptance. Through that acceptance, you will develop the patience to slow things down and realise you can live a relatively functional life through the tapering process until you get your old life back. You will Heal!

I think the most important thing you can do right now is find a daily dose (doses) that feels relatively comfortable for you, stabilise on that consistent dose, and then resume with a much more suitable taper schedule. I feel one of your major problems is lack of knowledge as to what other tapering schedules and methods are available to you.

I would encourage you to use the link below to start a thread seeking help in devising a more suitable, gentle tapering schedule/method

Someone will help you with this, and you will see your way forward again.

Planning Your Withdrawal (Taper)

Click on “Direct Simple Tapers”, then the top two sticky’s and read through both - “Three Methods of Benzodiazepine Withdrawal”, and “Help With Planning Your Taper.”

Then you can start your tread asking for help on either the Direct Simple Tapers Board, or the Titration Board.

Don’t lose hope, StingRae!

You’re just finding your way through a transition phase, and part of that phase is learning to rely on the support and knowledge of others to find a taper that works for you.

WS

Hi WInters Sun,

I couldn't have summed it up better than you did.  I don't now if my reply to Jelly crossed before you posted, but I have learned that I do need the stability while figuring a solid plan.  (details in that reply).

This all started 22 years ago with a postpartum depression issue, which turned into panic attacks.  That was a short time use, but off and on SSRIs lifelong.  Lived life, added a lot of situation depressions/anxieties (divorce), deaths, a violent crime (PTSD) so I can say that happened in 2018 when I believe this "stint" of clonazepam was started.  I do believe antidepressants eventually stop working.  I am now experiencing empty nest, just finishing up menopause, so not really sure what was causing what.    I'm a biochemical  disaster area.  I'm the outwardly cheerful and funny person that goes out of my way to make others laugh, or feel better.  Even when I'm feeling bad, doing those things makes me feel better. 

I promise I am holding this schedule until I meet with my Dr. on Oct 3rd.  I need to know her stance on this and hopefully she will be helpful in allowing me to do a symptoms based methodical and regular taper.

Thank you so very much for your kind comments. 

Oh Rae, navigating this process is extremely frustrating at the best of times. We are constantly trying to figure out what is causing what. My start was a nightmare. Even though we see this so often it is still a very individual journey and people react uniquely. 

You have tried and tested different approaches and now you know how to proceed. That's a win in my eyes. I can see you are trying so very hard. Things will level out and once you start a routine of tapering you'll see life will take on a new normal that’s really not too bad.

Hi StingRae

Yes, I did see jelly had replied, however, I waited until I posted before reading it because I didn’t want to feel prompted to delete my own response knowing that jelly had it all covered. I get the feeling jelly has probably covered much of what I have suggested, prior to today, but sometimes we keep pushing until we are finally ready to switch things up. I agree with everything jelly has said… the depression is probably a combination of both the underlying condition and withdrawal, with the withdrawal exacerbating it’s intensity. I also believe antidepressants do indeed stop working at some point. Sometimes when we reply it can be difficult to cover all bases and we miss crossing all the t’s and dotting all the i’s which can often lead to misinterpretation by the reader, so just know that I’m not dismissing your underlying condition at all, but instead focussing on the profound affect withdrawal and destabilisation can have in exacerbating ones underlying conditions. All the more reason to get you stabile and back on track with a sensible taper. And you will get back on track! You will move forward more comfortably.

Also, just know that I also had terrible depression when I pushed the taper too hard and fast whilst destabilised. I often wondered if it would ever lift, and it did. There were just bouts of it as jelly mentioned.

I know you feel far from well right now, but you should feel very confident now that you’re ready to change gears and switch things up. It’ll eventually get better from here.

Take care, StingRae!

WS