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Help! When will this mom get relief from dissociative disorders? Is it real?


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[26...]

I am panicking again and feel desperate need of support. 

 

What is going on here, I can't remember the first time my son

said "mama."  Now my memory lapses are scaring the living

daylights out of me.  I told my husband I forgot what it felt like to be mom. I asked him what my children's personalities were like.  A generalized fuz has set upon me seemingly starting with motherhood.  Is this because these are the richest associations I've experienced? And no,  I have never ever been disagnosed with any kind of personality disorder or any major psychiatric condition. 

 

I can't stop dwelling on it.  It is like sort of like an amnesia.  I won't even ask my husband questions about my children anymore because it scares me. I freaked when I fear this is the result of the concussion I suffered 3 years ago and a grand mal seizure (induced my severe migraine disease and awful drugs). I also suffered some bad head bumps this summer due to migraine, although now I know I was kicking into w/d.  All MRI's and CT's performed to date have been normal.

 

I'm afraid to talk to a therapist about this because it scares me so much.  All those football players with CTE.  Am I being a hypochondriac?  I started noticing mild symptoms about 18 months ago before experiencing w/d.  Now, it has been non-stop for almost a month.

 

I'm doing a slow taper.  Will clarity start returning as my brain heals?  These episodes cause me panic like I can't believe.

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Dear Willdoit,

  This sounds very much like derealization and depersonalization, both can be a part of withdrawal. I agree with you, it is terrifying. I find them to be the most challenging of symptoms. It is almost impossible to describe...you did a good job putting it into words.

    You had a medical work up and nothing was seen that caused concern. The symptoms you describe are not unusual. I know Parker and May May have experienced this as well. You are not alone.

    I have talked with my therapist about it and she has given me some coping techniques. The most helpful was simply knowing it is part of withdrawal. It is not an underlaying disease process. Your brain is shouting out for benzos...and you are courageous enough to be tapering.

    Have you read Parkers famous post What is Happening in Your Brain? It is a reassuring account of what is happening physiologically. Knowing I am in withdrawal and not going crazy or suffering from early onset dementia has been helpful. We are going to be fine.

    I hope you feel a softening of symptoms soon. As I recall you are going to slow down your taper. That may help make things more comfortable.

Sending you friendship,

Carita

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I feel like there are years of my life that I will never really remember and I have accepted that if that is the case. My memory is horrible and it seems to me like I died years ago with the onset of depersonalization and have not really been alive since. However I know I am real because I can feel the suffering so much and so can you.

 

All of our memories are still in there somewhere and will come back at some time, we just can't access them now. I know it feels like madness and it is a mental disorder so it stands to reason that we feel crazy. Try not to panic about it, anxiety makes it worse and acceptance helps.

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[26...]

Hi truss,

The thing that bothers me is I've not been diagnosed with this disorder...I suspect it may be benzo-induced. 

 

I know people who aren't on benzos and suffer from this disorder.  In fact, I remember talking to them about their symptoms and empathizing. 

 

Wish I knew the answer. 

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