Jump to content

Feeling terrible and alone, I need some encouragement badly


[be...]

Recommended Posts

Hi:

 

I am rather new here and haven't complained about anything on the forum yet but today I am just in such bad shape. I feel ill at ease bearing my soul out to people I don't know but have this terrible urge to vent my feelings. I hope you don't consider me a pain and not worthy of posting on this forum so please just ignore me if I am not being proper.

 

Last week my 82 year old mom broke her hip on the ice and now has been moved to rehab. I have not been sleeping for months now and the high dose of benzos and have withdrawed from 4 mg of K so far, but it sometimes keeps me so cog fog, blurry vision and memory loss (I don't even know where to drive sometimes)  that I simply cannot drive. Other times I can and do so.

 

I't been snowing here non stop all day. Went to see my sick mom early this am before snow got bad, but can't go back again because the snow's so deep and bad. I hate to vent with BBers who don't know me that well but feel the need for some encouragement. I am alone and scared.

 

I had a really terrible session with my pdoc today. I am feeling very angry and upset with him right now. My brother John, who I live with and also sees my doc, texted our doc that I was unwilling to step up to the plate and help my mom in rehab, just using not being able to drive well sometimes is an excuse to keep on disability. I have not once stopped seeing her. I see her every day, several times. John just told him I was worthless and useless and he wants nothing to do with me and that I hated my mother.

 

After John's text to my doc, complaining about me, my doc told me he believed John and that I was a liar and a cheat and should just stop focusing on my problems, which he says I don't have and I can drive anytime I want to, am just not willing to help her, which I am. He said my withdrawal from benzos is not an issue and should not cause any problems. He said there is no such thing as withdrawal issues to deal with and that its all in my head and I am making them up. He wanted to take my driver's license away from me. He said he didn't like me as a patient and is very angry with me.

 

But he did say I wasn't thinking right and made no sense to him and it was pointless to have a conversation with him. The session went terrible and he couldn't wait for me to leave. My doc told me I shouldn't have been taking the meds my previous doc scripted to me and that I should have taken charge of myself and instructed her to drop the meds. But I was in such mental deterioration that I could not think right and complained I was on too much medication, but she didn't change her mind about the  meds so I just took the medication she had scripted me. I really hate my current doc now and feel guilty, but I don't know why I feel guilty. Just terribly alone and scared. I have been to many doctors who did nothing but script me K, and while my current doc is very difficult, he's the only one left for me to see. He did get me off trileptal, clozaril and lamitcal and my head feels much clearer now. Before I was a walking zombie. I have no where else to turn to except for him. Tried too many other docs and there's no one left for me to turn to. All they wanted was for me to increase my dose of K and keep me on the other meds.

 

I've been visiting me mom three times a day, bringing her clothes, fruit and cooking meals for her because she does not like the food there. So I braved the snow early today and managed to get there and drop things off for her and spend time with her. I don't know what else to do. I am seeing her like I am supposed to and don't know what else John can expect from me. I am keeping the house in order and cleaning up after John because he's a slob and taking care of the cats, plants and paying the bills that come and shopping for him and cooking for him but he won't even talk to me at all when he comes home from work. I hide in my bedroom all night, to avoid him. If I try and approach him to discuss me or my mom's update on her health he tells me to get the F.... away from him and never speak to him again.

 

I really don't know what to do anymore. I am frustrated, angry, upset, scared, all alone in this house and feel guilty. My brother Dave, who lives nearby, doesn't care about my mom's health and could care less about me or John. I feel worthless. Any encourgement would be appreciated.

 

You BBer, Betsy aka Benzogirl

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Betsy,

 

It sounds like you have a lot of stress right now and I sympathize. Definitely feel free to vent! Caring for an aged injured parent is very hard and I applaud you for stepping up.

 

Is there anyone you can talk to like a therapist or close friend to offer support? I sometimes go to NA meetings even though I am an "accidental addict" and find the people to be warm and welcoming.

 

Also congratulations on you reduction of K so far! I just started my taper and find it hard some days just to get through the most minimal of activities.

 

You are not alone even though it might feel that way sometimes. I'll definitely pray for you.

 

Joy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Benzogirl:

 

I would like to say that you seem to have dropped the klonopin too fast.  Was it because you were forced to or was that your decision.  I was on clozaril once and it nearly killed me.  That is a horrendous poison. Put me in the hospital for 6 months.  You were on a serious dose of klonopin as well.  Try to take it easy on yourself.  Don't blame yourself for the situation you find yourself in.  I have dropped my klonopin from 2 mg to .275 mg.  We should be happy for the things we have accomplished and try to look at the glass half full.  I am speaking to myself here as well.  I tend to be a pessimist. We need to rearrange our thinking and this doesn't happen over night.  Just remember that we could be dying of some horrible disease or something.  Stay strong one minute at a time.  You are courageous to reach out to others.  I know that it is hard, but try to be kind to yourself and do not try to take on too much at a time.  Tapering off medication takes a long time and if I go too fast, I find myself in trouble.  We are going through these things. Remember that.  Try to take a look at what you look like on the other side of recovery.  It is hard, but it will improve as we look toward our lives after the difficulties.  Take care and never stop praying and believing. Keep trying to extend a hand toward those in need.  It will help.

 

Kendall

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Benzogirl:

 

I would like to say that you seem to have dropped the klonopin too fast.  Was it because you were forced to or was that your decision.  I was on clozaril once and it nearly killed me.  That is a horrendous poison. Put me in the hospital for 6 months.  You were on a serious dose of klonopin as well.  Try to take it easy on yourself.  Don't blame yourself for the situation you find yourself in.  I have dropped my klonopin from 2 mg to .275 mg.  We should be happy for the things we have accomplished and try to look at the glass half full.  I am speaking to myself here as well.  I tend to be a pessimist. We need to rearrange our thinking and this doesn't happen over night.  Just remember that we could be dying of some horrible disease or something.  Stay strong one minute at a time.  You are courageous to reach out to others.  I know that it is hard, but try to be kind to yourself and do not try to take on too much at a time.  Tapering off medication takes a long time and if I go too fast, I find myself in trouble.  We are going through these things. Remember that.  Try to take a look at what you look like on the other side of recovery.  It is hard, but it will improve as we look toward our lives after the difficulties.  Take care and never stop praying and believing. Keep trying to extend a hand toward those in need.  It will help.

 

Kendall

 

It is my doc's instructions to drop my K too fast. When I went off the clozaril, it nearly killed me too. I had to spend a month in bed throwing up, as he dopped it 100 mg every week. I fel like I was going to die. When he dropped the lamictal, also 100 mg a week, I was in such terrible depression I wanted to kill myself. I hate what he's doing to me. Betsy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm really sorry you are going through all of this.

 

Sounds like it may be a good idea to distance yourself from your brother and the doc.

 

The doc's comments are extremely unprofessional, and uncalled for, IMO.

 

If you can make it to see your mom, then you can.  If you are physically and/or mentally not able see her, then that's how it has to be (at least for now).

 

W/d is very real.  It's a shame the doc isn't knowledgeable enough to know that.

 

Hang-in there.  Keep coming here to BB for support.  Folks here understand what you are experiencing.

 

:hug:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

this is absolutely horrible that your doctor would speak in such a way to you. I do understand family crap that can go on, but docs are supposed to be impartial.

 

I am here also, if you want to lean on me.

I am SO sorry for the way you are being treated. Do know that THAT is not normal.

That is screwed up.....benzo whatever or not. That is just so so so wrong of yer doctor to

speak to you like that and it's also utter bullshit.

[me=FlowerPxwer]zips it [/me]

Link to comment
Share on other sites

geez, your family sounds sweeter and nices than mine  ???

sounds like you need another "private" pdoc.......

 

sorry youre having a bad time, keep trying, and it will get better, but dont stop trying...

 

and dont listen to everyone else (in your personal life), or the lies the benzos tell you, you are worth it....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What is your doc doing discussing you with your brother? I'm not sure that's even legal.

 

Hi:

 

When I first saw my pdoc, after John had already been seeing him, I asked him if there would be a conflict of interest. He assured me there would be not, that there was a firewall he was using to keep him apart from me and me apart from him. He said everything that went between us was in strict confidence. Not to worry at all. When today I questioned him about his "right" to text John back and forth, and reminded him of the firewall he said. Well, he just looked at me and said I didn't think you would have any objections. He said it was his right to talk to John about me, that he liked and respected his opinion a lot more then mine, and unless I put it otherwise in writing he would continue to talk to him about me. Another thing. John no longer sees him as a patient and hasn't for months. Thanks for all your support. I need it right now. The BBers are the greatest. You give me sage advice and inspiration to struggle on. Pls keep offering your encouragment. Hugs, Betsy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Betsy,

 

I agree with others that your Doctor is not being professional with your privacy. That is one of the reasons they are paid so much money !!  :tickedoff:

 

He also needs to do some research about people who experience benzo withdrawal. Even though we are the minority, we are not "imagining" our sickness- physical and mental. hang in there and stay positive. You can and will heal !

 

Patrick

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am incredibly moved by your writing as well as its content. I cannot imagine what you're going through given the family issues, a doctor I would suspect could be engaged in malpractice to say the least (in my view, as a retired attorney), along with your despair. But...you bring up such incredibly important issues in your narrative - at least for me. First, I too am fairly new at this and frankly not very good at the ins-&-outs of posting. I do not social networking at all.  Secondly, being down as you are to a very difficult taper - some of us have had short circuiting going on when it comes to mood, anger issues, physical pain and torture as well as mistakes, errors, and frankly fear in not being accepted here for all the right reasons. I have even forgotten at times what-meds-I-was-on-when! I would have loved it if someone here had told me it was not my fault...it's withdrawal but no one did. I want to tell you that everything you have so exquisitely related in such a heart-felt way gives me courage to go on. (I love the time you took without all the abbreviations because there must be buddies out there like us who do not yet understand how to do the slick and informative posts here from all these wonderful, experienced buddies). Indeed, perhaps one day you might take your daily journal (and I hope you are writing one) and author a book. You have heart and soul...you are a hero for not only having the stellar bravery to stand amid a full court press of demonic  (frankly) influences...you are seeking to take care of others as well. Your Mom must be so proud of you. If you were my daughter, my God, I would be. Thank you again for helping me get through...the next five minutes. 
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi:

 

Thank you frightnight. You're great words of encouragement are so helpful. I really apppreciate them. It makes it that much easier to get through the holidays. I hope they can help you with your journey. I hoping things will get easier. That's what keeps me going. Thanks so much for posting to me. If I need a lawyer, I now know where to look. One can always come back from retirement! Just keep that stop watch away! Maybe you can help me sue my doctor! We're all here to help each other. Good luck to you and thanks. Betsy

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

×
×
  • Create New...