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In Memory of WFR -- PLEASE READ!!!


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As many of you already know, my good friend and “BBB” (benzobuddies bestie) Waitingforrelief (WFR) took her life on Good Friday.  She was 47.  She was prescribed Xanax several years ago for a minor sleep problem, and began getting sick last summer from interdose withdrawal.  She was detoxed off the Xanax in just a couple of days at a detox facility, and fought the withdrawal valiantly for 8 months.  I spoke with her daily on the phone and I will always treasure our friendship.  It got me through my own very dark days.  We laughed, we cried, we joked about running away with “hot cabana boys” and celebrating our birthdays in Las Vegas together once we recovered. 

 

The loss of WFR cannot be understated.  She leaves behind a husband, a sister, and a twentysomething son of whom she is so proud.  I need to try and prevent this from happening ever again, so I thought it appropriate to post, in WFR’s honor and as her legacy, some “lessons learned” or “recovery suggestions” of which the first, and most important, is the message that her family asked that I share with all of you.  Please know that they are hurting very badly right now, and do not wish to hear from buddies.  It is just too painful right now for them; I hope you all understand.  But they did want to say thank you for the prayers, the support provided to WFR and her family during this ordeal, and best wishes for all of our continued healing. 

With that….

 

1. If you ever find yourself in a deep depression and are contemplating self-harm, or are struggling with self-harm thoughts, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE seek professional help.   There is absolutely no shame in asking for help.  And know that despite our best intentions, our immense love and care for you, NONE of us – no buddies, no spouse, no friend, no confidant – is a professional.  And you need a professional’s assistance and guidance when you are considering drastic action.  DO NOT rely just on buddies, or a spouse, or a friend.  Call a professional counselor / therapist / physician if you have one, or call your local crisis line – the numbers are available on-line or in the front of your yellow pages.  Call 911.  But reach out – you have so many good days, months, years, experiences ahead of you.

 

2. Think of withdrawal and recovery from benzos as a war, and prepare accordingly.   You need a plan of attack for dealing with withdrawal and recovery, and it is never too late to formulate one.  Does the military go into the battle thinking….”hmm, I’ll just see what happens and then deal with it then.”  NO!!  Sit down and think about how you are going to handle finances, who is going to be your caregiver in times of need, who you can call on to take your kids to school if you can’t get out of bed, who can bring you meals or order you a pizza if you are too exhausted to stand.    Case in point:  my husband recently started travelling for work, and I am not yet at the point where I can care for my kids on my own, so we planned accordingly – I have caregiver help in the morning and evening when they are home, a cleaning lady to keep up with the house, and our church is graciously bringing us dinners so it is one meal I don’t have to worry about preparing or dishes to do.  By planning for your care and recovery, you take A LOT of the anxiety out of withdrawal; and the less stress and anxiety we can have, the better.  It helps so much to be able to say, “well if the worst happens, situation ____, I have a plan in place to take care of it, and it is ____.”

 

3. Practice makes “perfect” – develop coping skills and practice, practice, practice them.   Parker said it great once, “this is personal brain injury rehab.”  What would you do if any other body part was injured?  You would care for it, and rehab it through physical therapy, exercise, rest, nutrition, etc.  SO DO THE SAME FOR YOUR BRAIN BY DEVELOPING COPING SKILLS.  You know yourself best, so find a set of skills that speak to you and your heart.  Practice them everyday.  There are as many coping skills as there are stars in the sky, so try a bunch and then pick a few that really help, and PRACTICE them….a lot.  Everyday I spend an hour sitting in front of my lightbox doing some meditation, journaling in a gratitude journal, working in a self-help workbook, and blogging here on BB.  Other folks exercise, do deep breathing, listen to soothing music, EFT, doing yoga, reciting mantras.  Whatever works for you, do it.  I don’t care how goofy, new agey, or off the wall it seems, if it gets you through and helps your soul, DO IT.  I sleep with a stuffed animal.  Yes, I am 36 and sleep with a stuffed animal.  But it helps me sleep, so I DO IT.  I also carry around Silly Putty for when I am anxious.  I have one in my purse, one in my car, one on my bedside table.  There is no shame in my game when it comes to how I cope. 

 

4. Cast a wide net when it comes to your support network.   It took me many many months to realize this, but there were some types of support my husband just could not give me.  He just wasn’t wired for it.  So instead of fighting it, I started to lean on others who WERE wired to give me that kind of support.  And my relationship with my husband got a lot better.  You need to do the same.  Know your friends, your buddies, your spiritual advisors, the professionals in your life, your family and cast a wide net of support.  That way the safety net that is below you is super strong….because it is made up of all different strengths and types of rope.  It’s kind of like the first rule of financial planning – DIVERSIFY, DIVERSIFY, DIVERSIFY.  Treat withdrawal and recovery the same way.

 

5. Do not be afraid of physicians or other medical professionals.   We all have a little PTSD when it comes to health care providers because of what these crazy meds have done to us, but you CANNOT not see doctors and ignore health issues that arise in withdrawal because of this experience.  You are not going to be forcibly medicated; at the end of the day it is your body and you choose what to do with it and what to put in it.  So do not NOT go see a physician because you are fearful of what they may say or prescribe or suggest.  Many buddies have gotten through withdrawal successfully BECAUSE they took something like a beta blocker or remeron to help them through withdrawal.  Many others have had those nasty health fears that arise in withdrawal calmed because they went to the doctor and tests came back normal.  And know that whatever your experience with the medical establishment, there are alternatives out there.  The field of alternative / holistic / integrative medicine which tries to improve overall body health WITHOUT pills is greatly expanding, and there are practitioners everywhere.

 

6. Read and research benzo withdrawal until your heart is content, and then DROP IT.    Read, read, read as much as you can on benzo withdrawal – whether on BB, Bliss Johns’ book, or any other of the myriad of resources that there are out there.  But try (easier said than done) to not obsess.  My therapist has always taught me, “what you focus on expands.”  So guess what, if you don’t do anything but read and research about benzo withdrawal, that will become your world.  And that is not healthy.  For me personally, I give myself that hour I spoke of earlier to do my “personal benzo rehab” early in my day (9 to 10 am) and then I try to do other things – even if it is just chilling on the couch watching movies for the day.  Some days I am better at it than others – some days I am still on BB all day.  But I can tell you that the days I can compartmentalize it, the better I do and the FASTER TIME GOES. 

 

7. Practice acceptance.   Any buddy who has gone through this will tell you that one of the keys to recovery is to practice acceptance.  Like anything, we have days where we are good at it, and we have days where we yell, scream, cry, hit something.  The more moments, hours, days we can live in acceptance, the easier this journey becomes.  I tell myself everyday, “Accept today, but expect recovery.”  This helps me believe that today is just today, and that I can handle it.  At the same time, it also keeps me looking forward to recovery but not NOT living until recovery happens.

 

8. Know that you are worth this fight.  I don’t care how non-functional you are right now.  I don’t care if you have lost your job, are not the spouse / parent / friend you want to be, have lost your home, have run through your savings – YOU ARE STILL YOU, AND YOU ARE WORTH THIS FIGHT. You are worth it for all you are now, deep down at your core.  You are worth it for all you WILL BE when you recover.  You bring a unique set of gifts and talents to this world.  No one can take your place.  So you are worth this investment of time.  Who cares what everyone else in the world is doing, earning, experiencing?!  You will do these things again one day….and guess what….the only way you are going to do those things again is to recover…and the only way to recover is invest the time necessary.  I used to feel so inferior and awful when I tried to go to my son’s events at school, and see all the “perfect feeling” moms baking treats, participating in class parties, attending sporting events.  I was so dizzy I couldn’t see straight and would think “I wish I was them.”  Now I tell myself, “I WILL be them.  Just not yet.  But I will be them soon.”  And that change in thought process has made all the difference.

 

Please take these things to heart.  I tried and tried to get WFR to think along these lines, and she just could not get there.  It breaks my heart that I could not get her to BELIEVE these things, develop these skills, practice acceptance.  If I can get even ONE person’s journey to be easier through these suggestions, it will be an honor to her memory and her death will not be in vain.

 

I miss you WFR.  I miss your sweet Texas drawl.  Please look over all of us, and let us live each day rejoicefully.

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11:40am Australia

 

Thank you Hoosierfans.

 

Everything you have said is very sensible and helpful. In fact, it's probably the most helpful post I have ever seen here on BB since I have been reading here for over a year.

 

I am sorry for how you must be feeling after losing your friend. I did not know WFR at all and only stumbled across her sad news last night. She was lucky to have you as her support.

 

I would like to pass my sympathies on to her family but I can understand they would not be wanting such contact right now. I am sure you will be able to let them know later that we all care.

 

Thinking of you.

 

Xana x

 

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I am very sorry for your loss, the loss of everyone who knew and loved her, and for her for having to deal with so much pain.  Thank you for your post, I hope that it helps others.  Best wishes.
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In your pain you have, as Xana said, written one of the very best posts I've read about benzo withdrawal.  Peace be with you...

Challis  :therethere:

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Hoosierfans, I'm so sorry for your loss. What you wrote is so heartbreaking but there are so many wonderful ideas for recovery in there. I admire your strength and wish you all the best in your recovery.  Take care, Jules
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I am so sad about this news and SICKENED that these "harmless" drugs took her life away.  Something really, really needs to be done in the US like it was in the UK in terms of limiting the prescriptions.  Who knows how many people not on buddies have taken their lives due to acute withdrawal?  Sickening. 

 

I am so, so sorry for your loss. 

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God bless you Hoosier!!!! You have a beautiful guardian angel looking over you!!!! I am sending every single bb a big warm hug!!!        That was a great post!! :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: love you all!!!!!
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Thanks for the post Hoosiersfans, and condolences.  I also sleep with a stuffed animal!! And my Holy Bible. 
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[75...]
Although I did not know WFR, it greatly saddens me that we lost a fellow BB. My deepest condolences to her family and those of you who were her friends.
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Thanks Hoosier for taking the time to write this out. You are a good cheerleader, nice to have you on my side.  :smitten:
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Thanks Hoosier for taking the time to write this out. You are a good cheerleader, nice to have you on my side.  :smitten:

 

GT,

 

I would fly up to Boston, don a mini skirt and pom poms, and dance wildly like a rabid monkey outside your house if it would help you get through one more day of this!!!  xoxoxoxoxo my friend!

 

http://i1358.photobucket.com/albums/q764/Hoosierfans/SH-CARL016/Photobucket/spartan-cheerleaders_zpsfa05d74d.png

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Hoosier -

 

What a loving, beautiful post and tribute to WFR's memory.  It is so easy to lose sight of our self worth during this long trial, and your words are healing medicine.  I've bookmarked this post; and as others have said, I believe it's one of the best here on BB.  Thank you.

 

Love and hugs to you -

 

Evergreen

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I'm sad to hear about WFR. I'm sure she tried her hardest to follow all of those guidelines. I think I some cases it's not even necessarily the depression, but the inability to deal with how much pain and discomfort she was feeling. It's not fair.  I think even the strongest people in the world can be hit so hard that it just makes every day an almost impossible uncomfortable fight.
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Dearest Hoosierfan,

 

You write such wise words. Excellent post, one that shouldn't get lost in the pages. This one is definitely bump worthy as people go along and see it.

 

:hug: Sally  :angel:

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Thank you for posting this. I know it was hard for you to write. In spite of this very tragic event good can still come from it. I for one will not let her memory fade. I am going to print your post and keep it in my journal. This is a reminder to keep fighting for ourselves and others. We need to speak about our experiences to those who will listen and keep trusting that someday we will all heal.

I am so sorry for the loss of this precious soul.

May she rest in peace now. Her journey on earth will not be wasted.

Much love and comfort to you Hoosier Fan.

Afighter

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I don't post much anymore, but after reading your heartfelt post, Hoosierfan, I felt compelled to write a few words in appreciation of your gentle kindness and your deep concern for your fellow buddies.

 

As long as there are people like you, folks will continue to get the help and the encouragement they must have in order to overcome their struggle with benzo withdrawals.

When someone takes their own life with no warning, we begin to question why.  We ask ourselves: "What did I miss?"  "Could I have somehow, in some way, prevented this tragedy from happening?"

 

Do we ever really know or can we ever really understand what prompts a person to take their life?  Was their feeling of hoplessness and desperation, their pain and their anguish so insurmountable that they just could not shoulder the burden any longer?

 

When a dear friend of mine committed suicide, I asked myself over and over again those same questions.  I never did find the answers to the reason why.

 

When in the throes of withdrawals, a person's emotions and their fighting spirit, having been wounded, can be as fragile as a piece of antique glass.  We can be as understanding, as compassionate, and as caring as is humanley possible, but sometimes that fighting spirit within a person, can weaken and shatter without any warning, and we are left to try to undersdand why certain things happen the way they do.   

 

Your pain and your sadness will some day lessen, but your desire to help others will grow ten-fold. I am really sorry for your loss. It's a loss that is so painful, and so hard to reconcile.

 

Those we love do not go away. They walk beside us every day, unseen, unheard, but always near.

 

I wish everybody well. With the wonderful, and compassionate folks you have pulling for you on this unique forum, you are in good hands.

 

 

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Excellent post, Hoosier. Im so sorry about WFR.....we used to write to each other. She was always interested in how I doing in my recovery. I know she was really scared. So sad. :(
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Hoosierfans,

your post brought tears to my eyes.

I cried when I heard that Marcy is no longer with us, and I cried again reading your wonderful tribute to her.

I'm sure she knew what a wonderful friend and person you are and I'm also sure that you tried your best to help her, to counsel her, to listen to her, to just be there for her.

I am positive that your recovery suggestions and 'learned lessons' will resonate with many of us and will keep us going, will keep us fighting the fight, for ourselves and for Marcy.

There is not much else to be added except for ...sadly... Rest in peace Marcy  :'(  :'(  :'(

 

Amy

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Thank you for the beautiful tribute in honor of WFR.  You wrote an excellent list that is beneficial to all of us here. I am sorry for the loss of your dear friend. May you take comfort knowing your post has touched many hearts.

Thank you,

Carita

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