Feeling Anger During WD Hold

Hi All,

 

Soooo...been up since 2:30 a.m., and since awakening, I have been angry.  Like...really feeling a lot of anger about holding as I dose the same amount again...and, again...and, again.

 

This is in no way saying that I am no longer holding....'cause I am.  However, what I am saying is that I feel a lot of anger about having to hold.  Just want to clarify that.  And...thinking this has GOT to be normal to a degree, no?  This anger?  I'm not used to being angry...sad, depressed, anxiety ridden, in a state of terror...yes.  But, not so much anger.

 

Wondering...just wondering if I'm the only one.  I missed the call when Acceptance was being handed out in the hall of virtues. 

 

Warmly,

F

No, I feel it too.  I find not too many people want to talk about it on these forums.  It is normal for what we are going through.

It's a tough one, becasue we want to feel loving and calm.

Faith, my friend.... I feel angry too every time I swallow that toxic rat poison and it feels very daunting knowing I have another 93 days to go till I'm free of that junk. I should have never touched it in the first place!! But In another way it scares me due to this rocking on a boat sensation I have, as my night dose relieves it so I can actually lay down to sleep!! I spent 13 years on benzos and became benzo free 28th March 2004. I didn't even have any really noticeable withdrawal symptoms!! This time I've only been on them for around 9 or 10 weeks and it's like living in the pits of hell! You have every right to be angry Faith.  Have you been holding long? If so, may I ask why?

 

Sending lots of love to you.

 

Diana.

No, I feel it too.  I find not too many people want to talk about it on these forums.  It is normal for what we are going through.

It's a tough one, becasue we want to feel loving and calm.

 

Hi Widesky,

 

Yes...would love to be 'zen like' moving through this.  But, right now, I'm just friggin' angry.  Lots of self-blame, too.  I guess you could say I am angry at myself.

 

Wow...quite the therapy session.

 

Warmly,

F

Faith, my friend.... I feel angry too every time I swallow that toxic rat poison and it feels very daunting knowing I have another 93 days to go till I'm free of that junk. I should have never touched it in the first place!! But In another way it scares me due to this rocking on a boat sensation I have, as my night dose relieves it so I can actually lay down to sleep!! I spent 13 years on benzos and became benzo free 28th March 2004. I didn't even have any really noticeable withdrawal symptoms!! This time I've only been on them for around 9 or 10 weeks and it's like living in the pits of hell! You have every right to be angry Faith.  Have you been holding long? If so, may I ask why?

 

Sending lots of love to you.

 

Diana.

 

Hello Diana,

 

We both came off the first time without incident.  We were lucky.

 

I have not been holding long at all...only 10 days.  Yup...angry at only 10 days!

 

I am holding because I am not stable nor have I been stable since I began my taper a year ago now due to a rapid taper initially.  This level of intensity is really not sustainable.  Can I sustain it?  I have for a year.  Do I want to any longer...no.  Plus, it has rendered me unable to cut my dose by even the slightest amount without heading for acute withdrawal.  So, I really feel as though there is not a better option than this one.  But, my feelings in this moment is that this sucks big time!

 

Now, I'm in a fairly intense AKA episode today, so my emotions are going to be heightened.  But, bottom line is, this anger has been building, and it's arrived today in a big way.

 

Warmly,

F

Same here Faith. I've only been taking 4.75 mg of diazepam per day for 9/10 weeks and have got worse every day! I wasn't functioning on 4.75mg. Homebound, and I can barely leave the chair due to this rocking boat sensation so my legs are getting weaker! Just standing up and my legs are wobbly. I can't move around my home!! Which is really intensifying my anxiety! God knows how bad I'm going to get the more I make cuts!!

Same here Faith. I've only been taking 4.75 mg of diazepam per day for 9/10 weeks and have got worse every day! I wasn't functioning on 4.75mg. Homebound, and I can barely leave the chair due to this rocking boat sensation so my legs are getting weaker! Just standing up and my legs are wobbly. I can't move around my home!! Which is really intensifying my anxiety! God knows how bad I'm going to get the more I make cuts!!

 

Your signature says you are on 1.75 mg as of yesterday?  Was that an error?

 

Yes, I am trying not to think far out into the future.  It's not easy...but, I am trying.

No not an error, Faith. I was taking 4.75 mg and within 7 days went to zero, basically cold turkey as I ran out of tablets. I reinstated just over a day later but only had enough to take 2mg per day. I made my first cut yesterday morning.

Will you have enough meds to move forward?  Are you going to be okay?

Bob did me a taper plan. 0.25mg cut,  hold for 13 days and so on. I'm not sure if I'll be OK Faith it's terrifying me due to having such horrid symptoms to start with!! I honestly don't know how I'm going to cope if I get much worse!!

Just keep in touch on here where there is support...

 

Do you have support at home, too?

Not really faith. I've had to come stay with my husband who I'm separated from because I couldn't be alone. He doesn't care he does his own thing in another room. I also have my eldest daughter here who recently had a nervous breakdown through caring for his mother for 5 years with dementia. She's been having fainting episodes which lead us to the situation we're in now.  Benzos.

 

I've just woke from a nap and I feel vile. Drunk disorientated nauseous, head pressure head fuzzing and buzzing. It's horrid it happens all the time.

Do you wake up feeling sicker than you did before you went to sleep'; Faith? Do you have any support in the home?  I lost both parents and have 2 sisters but we fell apart after out mother passed away and never see each other.  My youngest daughter has 4 small children to take care of. I basically don't have any support,

Hi, Dido.

 

I am sorry you are in a situation that leaves you with little support.  I very much feel for you.  This is so difficult on its own.  I am very sorry about your daughter going through such a difficult time as well as your sisters being estranged at this point.  It seems as though we all just have to do the best with what we have in front of us.  So, it is even more important that you lean on this site for support through this.  Very important.

 

I am a care giver for my elderly mother.  Her challenges are physical.  She is quite sharp.  But, I take care of the cooking, cleaning, etc.  She is also diabetic which brings with it some additional responsibilities that she cannot do on her own.  So, while I take care of her physical requirements, she has been here for me during all the emotional crisis that can take place day-to-day.

 

My daughters are older and live far away.  But, they have found this to be very difficult to handle, and they have distanced themselves.

 

I have a close friend who I do speak with everyday and who will visit once a week.  However, sometimes it can be a little overstimulating for me.  I really require things to be as calm as possible.  Even talking can be very stimulating for me at this stage of the game.  What I can do is type.  What I can do is express myself on this site.  It can be triggering for me, also.  But, each day is different for me in terms of the severity of what I am dealing with symptom wise.  Today has been a really intense day for me due to Akathisia...I have required an outlet to keep me busy, so I've had to weigh the pros and cons to being on-line versus not.  This is the first day for me that I have quite literally spent my day on and off the site throughout.  If I can be of help in some way, then it makes it worth it.  However, it's not something I can do every day...but, today is has helped me.  Hopefully, I can have been of help in some way, too.

 

Things calm to some degree at night...sometimes more than other times.  I always wake up in a state of fear/depression/doom/gloom.  Mornings are never fun to say the least.  I cannot nap...I wish I could.  If I could nap, I'm certain I would have toxic naps.  I am hoping that my system calms the longer I hold.

 

For me, in the state I am in today, there really isn't much that can be done to reassure me.  It's just not how the brain is functioning.  So, I could have a tribe around me helping me, but it really is something that just has to run it's course and fade out before I can really see things more clearly again.

 

I am glad that you have a place to stay through this.  It may not be ideal, but you require a place to stay.

 

I hope I answered all your questions.

 

Warmly,

F

 

 

 

 

I totally understand everything you're saying Faith. I'm the same, my husband has a dog and it follows him everywhere and even hearing the dog drinking water causes a horrible reaction to my nervous system. I definitely wouldn't be able to have visitors as I would go in to full blown panic. I'm in a horrible situation. It kills me seeing my daughter suffering so badly. She can no longer work or drive or even leave the home.  I feel worse seeing her suffer and she feels worse seeing me suffer so we are stuck in this catch 22 situation! My daughter was given diazepam the same day I was and she cold turkey'd just before me. She's taking high doses of propranolol to try and help the adrenaline surges

 

We are in a horrible situation it's like a nightmare  ....

It does feel like a nightmare, doesn't it?  But, we have to be as strong as we can through this.  You are in a unique situation in that you have someone with you who knows what BW feels like.  Often, we have those in our lives who want to be of support, but they don't really understand what it feels like.  You both understand what the other is going through.  That can be priceless at times.  I know it is not ideal at all...not in the least.  But, I am glad you have each other as you move through this...each knowing just how very difficult it is for the other.  And, you can love each other through it.  At the end of the day, all that matters is love.  That is Truth.

 

Sending you much healing to both you and your daughter, Dido.  You're in my thoughts.

 

Warmly,

F

 

 

Thank you so much Faith. Does you're mother live with you?

Yes unfortunately have had this but it has gotten better lower I get. I’ve had the benzo rage ppl mention and it’s not us. I was always a calm loving, empathetic person and all the negative traits opposite of this came out and scared me bc it was so not me. Figured out many people go thru this and for some reason we all feel a flood of negative type emotions rather than happy (would be so nice if it was excess of happiness, love etc!)…. But it’s bc out neurotransmitters and hormones go on a rollercoaster ride thru this.

 

These feelings and emotions are not you and as our brains balance out, things all even out again, we can feel love and calm, happiness, joy. I lost all of that at higher doses and it was terrible and I had no idea if I would get it back bc it was so dark. Thankfully the veil has lifted a lot. I still struggle and who knows what the road ahead holds, but I’ve felt good emotions again which shows they will come back for good eventually.

 

Keep up the good work y’all. This is such a horrific journey at times but please know it can be done. Consistency is the biggest deal. Brave craves it during this so just do what you can. Hugs.

Also holding currently. At 23 mg of valium a day and having significant w/d symptoms.

 

The anger and frustration I have been feeling have gotten pretty intense. I just want to be off of this medication so badly, but I feel I need to let my body stabilize before I can continue. I fear the road ahead.

 

Keeping you in my thoughts and praying for your peace. It will come.

 

God bless,

Mark