Please help, please help

Does everyone go through excruciating mental pain?

Yes all day every day. Like you I can't believe what has happened to me and how this can even be possible to never feel a moments peace. Wish I had some advice but all I can do is try to endure.

Hi perseverance

 

Can you explain in a little more depth what you mean by mental pain.

 

Are we talking about painful thoughts and emotions?

Everyone-you are not alone. Despair? Check. Panic? Check. Doom? Depression? Intrusive thoughts? Looping, OCD, rumminating? Freeze-mode? Blank staring, just waiting…waiting for something, anything to lift? Check, check, check!

It’s brutal, unconscionable-biblical even.

But you MUST REMEMBER: this is temporary. How long? Who knows, but temporary.

Try, with everything, to remember that. Nothing in life is permanent, you have succeeded 100% through every obstacle life has thrown at you. You have a 100% success rate! WOW!! This will be no different.

You will rise again, you will shine again, you will experience joy and happiness AGAIN! It’s your birthright!!

I use mantras, self-talk: This is temporary. You are investing in your future. You are strong. Resilient. Powerful. You are magnificent. A warrior! This.Will.Not.Break.Me.

Just keep going-1minute, 1 hour, 1 day. Breathe and keep coming here-there are many here to support you as we’re all going through this.

Lastly, just remember: THIS IS TEMPORARY!!! 🙏❤️

My mental pain is severe depression, anxiety, fear, intrusive looping thoughts, ruminating, despair, hopelessness, guilt, intense grief over my previous life (that I was very content with), anhedonia (heartbreaking), feeling of unreality, agitation, extreme envy of people leading ordinary lives, sadness over my physical appearance- underweight and my face looks sad.

 

Mixed in with insomnia, tinnitus, migraines, burning pain of arms and legs, styes in my eyes, and now pain in my left ankle.

 

I did not like writing that down. So depressing and writing it just seems to sadly confirm my reality.

 

The good? I have a couple of okay days a week, where I feel fairly normal. A wonderful supportive family. No financial worries. Faith in God- I believe He is there and knows of my suffering.

 

Is there any hope for a better future? Can I recover?

 

I am now at .687mg clonazepam from a starting dose at taper of 1.5 mg- so 54.2% off. Oh, forgot bad dreams and irritability in my mental anguish.

Everyone-you are not alone. Despair? Check. Panic? Check. Doom? Depression? Intrusive thoughts? Looping, OCD, rumminating? Freeze-mode? Blank staring, just waiting…waiting for something, anything to lift? Check, check, check!

It’s brutal, unconscionable-biblical even.

But you MUST REMEMBER: this is temporary. How long? Who knows, but temporary.

Try, with everything, to remember that. Nothing in life is permanent, you have succeeded 100% through every obstacle life has thrown at you. You have a 100% success rate! WOW!! This will be no different.

You will rise again, you will shine again, you will experience joy and happiness AGAIN! It’s your birthright!!

I use mantras, self-talk: This is temporary. You are investing in your future. You are strong. Resilient. Powerful. You are magnificent. A warrior! This.Will.Not.Break.Me.

Just keep going-1minute, 1 hour, 1 day. Breathe and keep coming here-there are many here to support you as we’re all going through this.

Lastly, just remember: THIS IS TEMPORARY!!! 🙏❤️

 

[move]^^^This^^^[/move]

 

Print this out and read it when you feel your worst, Perserverance.

 

Mary1, this really sums it all up. Very well put together. 

My mental pain is severe depression, anxiety, fear, intrusive looping thoughts, ruminating, despair, hopelessness, guilt, intense grief over my previous life (that I was very content with), anhedonia (heartbreaking), feeling of unreality, agitation, extreme envy of people leading ordinary lives, sadness over my physical appearance- underweight and my face looks sad.

 

Mixed in with insomnia, tinnitus, migraines, burning pain of arms and legs, styes in my eyes, and now pain in my left ankle.

 

I did not like writing that down. So depressing and writing it just seems to sadly confirm my reality.

 

The good? I have a couple of okay days a week, where I feel fairly normal. A wonderful supportive family. No financial worries. Faith in God- I believe He is there and knows of my suffering.

 

Is there any hope for a better future? Can I recover?

 

It does sound as though you are very destabilised, but it’s a bit of a “chicken or the egg” scenario - which one comes first?

 

If you are destabilised, then these symptoms are all completely normal, even though these same symptoms often exist and remain present (to a lesser degree) when stabile. We can also be in a stabile state when suddenly old repressed emotional fears surface and we get caught up in our heads, focussing solely on and obsessing over those extremely negative fearful mental/emotional magnifications of the past, present, and future, which increases the release of stress hormones, intensifying other benzodiazepine withdrawal symptoms, and once again leading to destabilisation. I think this is why this process can be so unpredictable and erratic, always wondering why we’re having a particularly bad day or week. All of our deep seated mental/emotional fears are so close to the surface, intensely magnified, and so very easily triggered because our CNS is so vulnerable without the Gabba to play its calming role. So when those mental/emotional fears are triggered, we get pulled into our heads and we focus so much conscious energy on their presence as our true reality that a physiological reaction occurs - the body naturally releases stress hormones and this triggers various other reactions which result in severely increased symptoms. This is why it’s so important to continually practice acceptance, use distraction as much as possible, and any other technique that will help limit the release of stress hormones in the body. As we go through this process, we have to try and avoid spending 100% of our time and energy focussing on that which we would never freely choose to focus on if we knew we had a choice, which we actually do, but it is a mental muscle, so it has to be developed and strengthened through repetition. With continued practice, we learn to choose our thoughts, rather than allowing our thoughts to choose us, and this has a direct calming affect on the CNS. In the meantime, distraction is key!

 

Just think about whether you need to hold a little longer before your next reduction, Perseverance, and just do your best to try not to give too much of your time and conscious energy to those fearful thoughts and emotions.

Hi Perseverance,

 

I am experiencing all of what you are.  I understand your pain and suffering.

 

The quote by Mary1 is very encouraging.  I may even print it out.  However, I know how my brain is working/not working right now, and I can feel reassured for a short period of time, and then my brain kicks back and starts the whole cycle over again.  But, Mary's words are brilliant.

 

I started on the same dose as you, and the same med.  My symptoms are deep depression, SI, intrusive thoughts, rumination, despair, agoraphobia, AKA, etc., and the terrible feelings of loss of our life we once enjoyed being lost to us during this process.  I, too, am underweight, and when I look in the mirror, I don't recognize myself.  Not so much due to the weight loss but because of the deep sorrow that is staring back at me...a look that is unique to this experience because I've never seen it before.

 

I am up at 3 a.m. each morning, and I awaken to fear/terror, depression, etc.  The last two weeks the depressive thoughts have been the worst.  And, recently due to the level of depression and SI I am experiencing, my daughters have decided to back away.  So, there is a tremendous feeling of loss and hurt associated with this which has definitely made my state more precarious.  I know this is not unique to many...many people simply cannot walk this path with us because it is just too difficult to witness and very difficult to understand.

 

My concern is not will I recover...my concern is how to move through the time between now and recovery.  That is where my fear sits day-to-day.  I never really question recovery.  In all of my ramblings, I never think I will never be able to get well again.  My ongoing question is how am I going to get through this.  And, Mary's quote states it...minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.  And, as the saying goes 'easier said than done'...as is everything.  Everything in life is easier to talk about than to 'do'.

 

I have decided to hold in hopes that I can see some improvement.  These symptoms, although not unexpected, are very debilitating.  And, I am a caregiver.  I need be functional.  I am functional physically...but, it's the mental symptoms that get their hold on me.

 

I just wanted to reach out to let you know you are not alone.  And, as Baylissa Frederick says...we ALL recover.  And, when we recover, there is no other option than for life to not only get back to normal, but within it we cannot help to have a new appreciation for our health...and, for the small things in life that have been taken from us during this time.  I'm not trying to talk with 'toxic positivity'...I have always thought this way, but in the thick of things, it is barely able to be grasped.  And, I understand that completely as I am living it. 

 

Warmly,

F

Are you able to exercise at all? Valium is pure hell. Have you thought about librium?

Everyone-you are not alone. Despair? Check. Panic? Check. Doom? Depression? Intrusive thoughts? Looping, OCD, rumminating? Freeze-mode? Blank staring, just waiting…waiting for something, anything to lift? Check, check, check!

It’s brutal, unconscionable-biblical even.

But you MUST REMEMBER: this is temporary. How long? Who knows, but temporary.

Try, with everything, to remember that. Nothing in life is permanent, you have succeeded 100% through every obstacle life has thrown at you. You have a 100% success rate! WOW!! This will be no different.

You will rise again, you will shine again, you will experience joy and happiness AGAIN! It’s your birthright!!

I use mantras, self-talk: This is temporary. You are investing in your future. You are strong. Resilient. Powerful. You are magnificent. A warrior! This.Will.Not.Break.Me.

Just keep going-1minute, 1 hour, 1 day. Breathe and keep coming here-there are many here to support you as we’re all going through this.

Lastly, just remember: THIS IS TEMPORARY!!! 🙏❤️

 

Thank you, it’s beautiful! A screenshot of this goes into my phone!

Perseverance, I can relate. Because of my physical symptoms (neurological ones) I am anxious, terrified, feel on the verge of going crazy or doing something stupid, I always ruminate on the past and feel terrified about the future, if I actually have any.

 

Faith, I wish I could share the optimism, I often fall into the loop “I am too damaged to heal this time”.

I don't know how to ease anyone's suffering on this thread but even though I'm suffering too terribly, I want to send All of My Love to each of you that are suffering this way. I'm so sorry. With all of my Love from England x x x x x x

Hi,

 

I managed to stabilize on Diazepam/Valium. Isn't Librium short acting? I hope in the future they will do research if Flurazepam can help those who don't respond well to Diazepam/Valium. With the gift of hindsight I would have tapered Flurazepam directly (now I know how water titration works).

 

Naf1983

 

Are you able to exercise at all? Valium is pure hell. Have you thought about librium?

I thought librium acts even longer than valium.