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Any Canadians in GTA going through WD?


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Hi All,

 

Been on here a short while.  Was wondering if there are any folks in the GTA (Ontario, Canada) area going through withdrawal.  My withdrawal will be a slow and long one.  Already been a year, and have been full-on symptoms the entire way.  I have to cut very, very slowly.  I am using a micro-water taper.  Just would be nice to know if there are people in my general area.

 

Wish All Healing...

 

Warmly,

Faith

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Hi Mbenzo,

 

Thank you for replying, neighbour.  I am in Burlington...sitting in my apartment wondering how many people there are in this area going through this.

 

I see you cold turkey'd at one point.  I have been wondering about doing that on and off....for a while now.  Do you mind sharing with me what that was like for you and what finally had you decide to reinstate?

 

I tapered off too quickly in 2021...after only 5 or so days, I was hospitalized and reinstated.  I often wonder if I had just hung on if I could have made it through the storm, but I simply was not prepared for what the withdrawal would be like.  I came off Clonazepam after ten years in 2007 with ease.  I never did any research about Clonazepam...didn't even know it was in the classification of a benzo.  I didn't even know what a benzo was.  I often think if I knew what I do now, would I have been able to move through it knowing what to expect.

 

Warmly,

Faith

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Well I have a bit of a complex story when it comes to that. My use was always sporadic and small. I was taking lorazepam for 3 years but only ingested 141.25 mg. When I first started reading about them I was seeing people on then for 20+ year at high doses so I was thinking there's no way I did enough to make me dependent.

 

In Nov to Dec I noticed I was getting multiple and now in retrospect MINIMAL panic attacks, I would get dizzy or feel buzzing and since I was highly functional at the time I'd take 0.25 or .5 and go back to work or enjoy my weekend. The issue would completely disappear. But I started to get the feeling that the drug was starting to take grip. Went to see my doctor and said I want off of these and to do CBT, what I should of done back in Dec 2019 as I was prescribed these for an acute stress moment again in retrospect was nothing.

My doc tried getting me on ssri a few time and every time they made me feel high like I was taking illegal drugs. Every time I got of off them very quick. However when I saw him before this all fell apart he tried to put me on another ssri to "one two punch" with the CBT. In my heart I was terrified about it but my doctor was a "friend" we both own business on the same street and I felt he had my best interest at heart. I reluctantly took them for 2 days and that was the beginning of the end. I have rapid onset of all the symptoms I'm facing now. I continue the rapid detox we had set for 4 week for about one week after everything started and then because I felt so bad and also didn't think my doses of benzodiazepines was enough for a withdrawl I stopped everything. I should state about a year ago I felt the benzos taking grip and CT them then and went 2 -3 months with ease and managed the minute panic attacks by pushing through. This also made me believe I wasn't in danger from my sporadic use.

 

So for the CT I just did for 3 weeks, it was pure hell... I had some very scary symptoms and they were relentless. One of the worst was I felt like I had so much adrenalin pumping throughout my body but I couldn't move to use it. Everything felt loud, then about 2 waves of 72 HR each I was concerned that at any moment my mind without my control would literally snap and I'd have to go into a mental health facility. Every minute of the day I would have to fight to get through, when I fell asleep was the best part of each day the pain would just stop. I also was sleeping all night which was nice. In the beginning of the CT I was literally bad bound and I even had my partner drive me to a store and experience my first agoraphobia attack, however as the days started to melt I was able to start walking around my neighborhood and even drive my car for 5 minutes at a time I was seeing slight Improvement. About 4 days before reinstating I had a window at night before bed where I was relaxed and the buzzing flowing throughout my body stopped. I actually didn't want to sleep because it felt so nice. At this time I was seeing doctors every few days and different doctors to get second and third opinions. I still didnt know if this was benzos or if it was the SSRI, I needed answers because until I knew what it was then I didn't know how I could proceed forward. One doctor said go ahead take 1 mg of Ativan see if it makes everything go away we needed to try and rule out things as I was so convinced this was a severe reaction to an ssri, made sense to me try and rule out the easy one and see what happens. After taking that 1 mg I woke up 4 days later back in a horrible wave like the 72 hours I was stating before, it was so intense that I took another .5 told my partner we're going to the ER. When we got there I said I was advocating for my own health and I would not leave until I was able to speak to a psychiatrist(this is good to know as out of the er psychiatrist weight was around 4 to 5 months), as I felt that there was a problem with one of two meds and psychiatrists would have a better grasp of what these meds did than any other doctor. That psychiatrist reinstated me back on a benzo but clonazepam this time. I think that 1 mg that I took sent me into another acute withdrawal stage and at the time I just didn't have it in mementally to do it all over.

 

Since then I regret that reinstating has just prolonged everything and honestly wasted the first 73 days I've been going through this, I was with my brother when the doctor told me to take the 1 mg and when we got into the car I pulled it out of my pocket took the pills out held them in my hands for about 5 minutes and put them back in the bottle, I didn't want to risk all the healing that I might have already done and the acute stage withdrawal for no reason. But at the end me and my brother both decided we needed to rule it out. I've now learned that's not how that works.

 

My reality is I haven't worked or really done anything since December and if I'm going to be bedridden in housebound even through a slow taper why not just do another rapid taper get off and let the healing begin. I feel so pressured to get back to my business before I lose it.

 

 

Honestly I'm still not sure what I want to do however I did cut 25% over the last week and it's been pretty much the same so I might continue with that.

 

Sometimes I still think it was the SSRI due to the rapid onset, and me taking the clonazepam now is helping with those symptoms.

 

The CT was hard, hardest thing I've ever had to do. Didnt know if I was going to wake up every night I fell asleep. But being back on hasn't really helped too much I'm still debilitated and if anything it's actually made my sleep worse.

 

Sorry for the long read. I hope whatever route you choose it's the least painful one, since it feel like it's a guessing game.

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I’m in the GTA.

 

I’m in the east end.

 

Not on here much anymore though.

 

There are others from the GTA that I was just helping the other week, hopefully they’ll see this thread.

 

There was a Canadian group, but no one was posting in it anymore.

 

I go to the Women’s College Hospital RAAM clinic and jeesh they don’t know much and refuse to learn as well.

 

I was referred to CAMH and man, they appear to know less!

 

I’ve got long COVID, vax injury and trying to get off after only 15 day use in 2020 following COVID.

 

Good luck,

Winnie

 

 

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Went to a RAAM clinic they knew nothing and told me to get on Seroquel.

 

I did however find a good resource after searching forever it was completely hidden. It's called true north medical. Spoke with a doctor there that was familiar with Ashton and was the first doc that didn't deny the power of benzos.

 

Must add was willing to work with me for an Aston taper.

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I’m in the GTA.

 

I’m in the east end.

 

Not on here much anymore though.

 

There are others from the GTA that I was just helping the other week, hopefully they’ll see this thread.

 

There was a Canadian group, but no one was posting in it anymore.

 

I go to the Women’s College Hospital RAAM clinic and jeesh they don’t know much and refuse to learn as well.

 

I was referred to CAMH and man, they appear to know less!

 

I’ve got long COVID, vax injury and trying to get off after only 15 day use in 2020 following COVID.

 

Good luck,

Winnie

 

Hello WinnieDog,

 

Thank you for reaching out and saying hello!

 

Yes, both the RAAM clinic and CAMH do not know about benzo withdrawal...not benzo savvy at all.  And, they are more about addiction services more than helping those come off of benzodiazepines taken as prescribed and helping with the long taper process.

 

I do hope others reach out.

 

I am sorry you have been benzo injured after such a brief time on them.  It is so disheartening.  Please take very good care in healing from Covid and vax injury.  I am so sorry to hear you are going through this.  Sending you much healing energy.

 

Warmly,

F

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Yeah, all the RAAM clinics work separately, so it’s hit and miss.

 

I have a ton of other drs at WCH, so that’s why I ended up there.

A friend on here, sent me there etc. She was the worst the clinic had ever seen, until me that is….

 

These others drs I have at WCH there know more about benzos than the RAAM clinic, and even had to talk to them for me.

 

The dr I have now (they keep changing) is very young (graduated 2020), but he is very kind and has a thirst for knowledge. He is looking things up and figuring stuff out and learning from me. I’m on LTD, so it’s hard for me to switch places.

 

The clinic does follow the Ashton manual, and my previous dr knew more than most about wd, but still not much.

 

The psych there has seen some patients like us, but just can’t seem to put it all together, even though I’ve given all the info to her. Research on their part takes their own personal time, and they don’t seem to want to do that.

 

I’ve heard of True North Medical, others here had gone there too.

One lady a while back was tapered way too fast by one of those clinics.

I think that as anything, the place is only good as the dr you happen to get etc.

but I’m glad you found a good one, that’s awesome.

 

Benzo wd is in every department and every clinic of every hospital everywhere.

They just don’t know the symptoms are from benzos

 

Winnie

 

 

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Well I have a bit of a complex story when it comes to that. My use was always sporadic and small. I was taking lorazepam for 3 years but only ingested 141.25 mg. When I first started reading about them I was seeing people on then for 20+ year at high doses so I was thinking there's no way I did enough to make me dependent.

 

In Nov to Dec I noticed I was getting multiple and now in retrospect MINIMAL panic attacks, I would get dizzy or feel buzzing and since I was highly functional at the time I'd take 0.25 or .5 and go back to work or enjoy my weekend. The issue would completely disappear. But I started to get the feeling that the drug was starting to take grip. Went to see my doctor and said I want off of these and to do CBT, what I should of done back in Dec 2019 as I was prescribed these for an acute stress moment again in retrospect was nothing.

My doc tried getting me on ssri a few time and every time they made me feel high like I was taking illegal drugs. Every time I got of off them very quick. However when I saw him before this all fell apart he tried to put me on another ssri to "one two punch" with the CBT. In my heart I was terrified about it but my doctor was a "friend" we both own business on the same street and I felt he had my best interest at heart. I reluctantly took them for 2 days and that was the beginning of the end. I have rapid onset of all the symptoms I'm facing now. I continue the rapid detox we had set for 4 week for about one week after everything started and then because I felt so bad and also didn't think my doses of benzodiazepines was enough for a withdrawl I stopped everything. I should state about a year ago I felt the benzos taking grip and CT them then and went 2 -3 months with ease and managed the minute panic attacks by pushing through. This also made me believe I wasn't in danger from my sporadic use.

 

So for the CT I just did for 3 weeks, it was pure hell... I had some very scary symptoms and they were relentless. One of the worst was I felt like I had so much adrenalin pumping throughout my body but I couldn't move to use it. Everything felt loud, then about 2 waves of 72 HR each I was concerned that at any moment my mind without my control would literally snap and I'd have to go into a mental health facility. Every minute of the day I would have to fight to get through, when I fell asleep was the best part of each day the pain would just stop. I also was sleeping all night which was nice. In the beginning of the CT I was literally bad bound and I even had my partner drive me to a store and experience my first agoraphobia attack, however as the days started to melt I was able to start walking around my neighborhood and even drive my car for 5 minutes at a time I was seeing slight Improvement. About 4 days before reinstating I had a window at night before bed where I was relaxed and the buzzing flowing throughout my body stopped. I actually didn't want to sleep because it felt so nice. At this time I was seeing doctors every few days and different doctors to get second and third opinions. I still didnt know if this was benzos or if it was the SSRI, I needed answers because until I knew what it was then I didn't know how I could proceed forward. One doctor said go ahead take 1 mg of Ativan see if it makes everything go away we needed to try and rule out things as I was so convinced this was a severe reaction to an ssri, made sense to me try and rule out the easy one and see what happens. After taking that 1 mg I woke up 4 days later back in a horrible wave like the 72 hours I was stating before, it was so intense that I took another .5 told my partner we're going to the ER. When we got there I said I was advocating for my own health and I would not leave until I was able to speak to a psychiatrist(this is good to know as out of the er psychiatrist weight was around 4 to 5 months), as I felt that there was a problem with one of two meds and psychiatrists would have a better grasp of what these meds did than any other doctor. That psychiatrist reinstated me back on a benzo but clonazepam this time. I think that 1 mg that I took sent me into another acute withdrawal stage and at the time I just didn't have it in mementally to do it all over.

 

Since then I regret that reinstating has just prolonged everything and honestly wasted the first 73 days I've been going through this, I was with my brother when the doctor told me to take the 1 mg and when we got into the car I pulled it out of my pocket took the pills out held them in my hands for about 5 minutes and put them back in the bottle, I didn't want to risk all the healing that I might have already done and the acute stage withdrawal for no reason. But at the end me and my brother both decided we needed to rule it out. I've now learned that's not how that works.

 

My reality is I haven't worked or really done anything since December and if I'm going to be bedridden in housebound even through a slow taper why not just do another rapid taper get off and let the healing begin. I feel so pressured to get back to my business before I lose it.

 

 

Honestly I'm still not sure what I want to do however I did cut 25% over the last week and it's been pretty much the same so I might continue with that.

 

Sometimes I still think it was the SSRI due to the rapid onset, and me taking the clonazepam now is helping with those symptoms.

 

The CT was hard, hardest thing I've ever had to do. Didnt know if I was going to wake up every night I fell asleep. But being back on hasn't really helped too much I'm still debilitated and if anything it's actually made my sleep worse.

 

Sorry for the long read. I hope whatever route you choose it's the least painful one, since it feel like it's a guessing game.

 

Hey MBenzo,

 

Thank you for letting me know your story.

 

My first attempt to taper was probably akin to a cold turkey....but, not technically.  I am pretty sure I was psychotic.  It was horrific.  I totally understand the kind of torture you were enduring.  There really are no words.  I hear you completely.  And, I understand why you made the decision you did.

 

All of this is just like a guessing game.  And, that sense of uncertainty does not do us well in this state.  We are already so afraid of everything. 

 

When I was reinstated, technically, I was on a higher dose than I had ever been on because my initial script was up to 3 - .5mg tablets a day as needed.  So, I was never taking the same amount each day.  Reinstatement was 3 - .5mg/day...morning, afternoon and evening.  So, I stabilized that time.  I still had breakthrough/tolerance.  Would awaken in terror/despair, had facial twitching, my back muscles would spasm along with other symptoms.  But, I could function.

 

When my taper began too fast the second time using the Ashton Manual, I had to up-dose from .5mg to 1 mg.  I had the worst reaction.  My body did not want that extra dose in me.  My symptoms became acute...they did not get better.  I suffered greatly, and I was never back to where I was pre up-dosing.  It was a mistake to up-dose, and I knew it was.  But, it was done in the hospital where they also tried to throw other meds at me claiming I had OCD and GAD.  No....I was in benzo withdrawal.  So, in and out a few meds went, and did more injury to my NS.  So, I understand where you are coming from.  We all have similar experiences...all slightly different, but similar.

 

So...the new 'stabilized' state...well, I don't believe they ever go back to where we were before.  The NS can only take so much...there is a threshold.  Once we break that threshold, it takes a long time for things to work themselves out again.  So, our taper takes on a new 'normal' of 'hell'...our new 'baseline' for tapering.  Not for all...you can never make a blanket statement.  But, for many.  I had to get used to my new 'normal' for how I feel everyday.  Several things changed, and I was devastated by it.  But, it's done now.  And, I have to move forward.

 

You may be able to get off of this in less time than you think.  As everyone always says to me...ALWAYS...taper in accordance to what your body is telling you.  Man...that is hard.  But, I believe it to be true.  And, you are getting very low now.  And, the end of the taper is so important.  So important that it is not rushed because it can catch up to us, and once it does, the course is set.  So, when you get to that point, I would definitely look for tips from members on how to jump off smoothly with the best outcome.

 

As for work...your health has to come first in order to be able to get back to your business.  I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you.  The pressure you feel.  I really feel that you are making headway with all you have been through.  So, you've cut another .25mg.  So, you can see the results of that cut up to 14 days out.  I truly hope you feel the same which would be great news.  But, give yourself good time to sit at that dose for a while before doing anything.  I would hate to see a setback from going too fast.  Just food for thought.  Something to keep in your mind for when you start to really want to just get this out of your body.  One more voice expressing the same thing...slow and steady.

 

Warmly,

F

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Hello MBenzo,

 

I'm so glad it gave you something to read and hold onto.

 

I really truly believe that you are going to be one of the lucky ones...but, the end of the taper will be so important.  How you come down from the remaining dose is crucial.  The last thing we want is for you to go too fast and have to up dose!  No!  And, you can make sure that does not happen.  You can do this.

 

Please...reach out to me whenever you need support.  We need to hear things over and over again.  Our brains do not stay assured for very long.  I know you are going to be okay.  Just a little more patience with this process.  Someone had said 'slower is faster'...and, I am true testament to doing the opposite, and it slowed things down in a huge way.

 

Sending much Healing...

 

Warmly,

F

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Faith that was so well written. I've read it about 5 times over. Thank you for insight. Has me holding for now in a time I almost doubled

 

Hi, again.

 

I just saw your recent post.  I cannot express how sorry I am for what you are going through.  My heart goes out to you.

 

So, let's talk about this.  What do you feel you need to do?  How is your mental/emotional state right now?  How are you coping?

 

All options are open to you.  And, we need to deal with what is in front of us....now.  Not yesterday...but, now.

 

What do you feel you need?

 

Take some deep breaths...put some space between you and this decision for just right now.  You can make this decision at any time.

 

I read the up dose post.  It was well written.  And, up dosing is not failing.  You may not feel well for a good while after the up dose.  I know you are worried about getting back to work.  But what are your priorities now?  Have they changed?

 

We do what we have to in order to stay vertical and breathing.  And, we deal with what is in front of us at this moment.  No decision is wrong.  First priority is that you are safe.  We want you safe.

 

Sending you so much healing energy, MBenzo.

 

Warmly,

F

 

 

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Since I've wrote and took my taper dose for the night 2 hours ago as the minutes pass I've reconsidered, then reconsidered that about 100x.

 

Weirdly I'm quite numb to the fact the house is empty, I don't think it's even hit yet. I don't think after 73 days of torture I can let it hit. I'm very emotional and have cried more in the past two days then I ever have but I think that's more related to the pain from benzos. This can't be real, this has to be a dream.

 

When she told me to go to .75 I felt like I needed it, last time I did it I slept a lot which I wish I could do right now.

 

I'm really scared because she didnt take everything and when she returns for the rest there will be police present as I am trying to protect myself. I don't know how I can be expected to spend a day going through yours and mine with an officer in this state.

 

I'm coping by focusing on the pain of benzo withdrawal, because it consumes me I don't have room in my head for anything else. My only goal before I sleep is to try and meditate.

 

What I need is a time machine, dont we all.

 

The reason I held off is because I'm trying to put time. However my new doctor never likes to hear me talk about going up, this time she said ok but I see her in a week, if I have any chance of going up I feel like I need to update her.

 

They have changed. I was preparing for a semi rapid taper and was preparing to feel the CT acute. Since starting clonazepam as I've said I've seen minimal improvemets. I question if I'm even taking a therapeutic dose. Now without her, when I get a strong acute symptom come on like I did with CT I will be alone with that fear.

My brother is away on vacation for 3 more days, I might see if I can go stay with him for a while.

 

Now when I was just trying to survive each day I have these daunting events coming up.

 

I would say I'm safe, I hope to get a few more hours of sleep tonight.

 

I sometimes wonder what one or two days of a higher dose would do, I've done them a few times and didn't struggle to come back down, then again each time could be the time we do struggle.

 

Until I feel better, be it by going up or down. Benzos will be the only thing in front of me I can truly focus on, because this isn't living it's taken who I was away. I loved who I was so much

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Something I'm also noticing is interdose withdrawal. I get a fever feeling that starts about 2 hours before the second dose and as my second is half the morning I don't seem to kick the feeling till the next morning. Is this telling me something

 

I should state since I got on clonazepam even at 0.5 it was happening but some days much less

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I wrote my message really fast when I saw your post...I hope it made sense to you.  I wish I had held off on sending a reply to your previous message because I didn't know the turn of events and what you were going through.

 

I understand the feeling of this can't be real.  I totally understand.  If I could grant you a time machine, I would.  We only have the present to work with.  And, you will get through each present moment, and it will carry you to a place of greater clarity. 

 

What was a plan yesterday may not work today...and, that is okay.  That is more than okay.  And, whatever you decide will be what is right for you here and now.  There is no wrong decision...only what feels right for you.  There are no clear cut answers or formulas for this.  There are guidelines we all try to follow.  We do our best.  But, life happens.  It's happened to me, it's happened to many others during their tapering.  We all try to help others step around potential pit falls.  But, in the end, life just happens, and we do our best with what we have in front of us.

 

Know that you will come to a decision when the time is right.  Soooo many people have come out the other side having zig zagged back and forth, up and down...totally non-linear.  You will make it through...whichever path you choose.

 

You will get you back.  You are still in there...you are just on a bad vacation right now.  A really sucky vacation.  But, vacations never last...good or bad.  You will get you back.  It may not be today or tomorrow, but you will.

 

I think you are feeling the cut you made more now.  Remember...up to 14 days you will notice how the cut has affected you.  You are still in that window.

 

Do you have someone you can call if you need help?

 

Warmly,

F

 

 

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Hi MBenzo,

 

It is my bedtime.  I started my micro-taper again, and I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.  I've had 1.5 days of lower symptoms.  Tomorrow...who knows what I will be like.  However, I am up a 3 a.m.  That's when my day starts.  I have my routine, but I will be available early.  What my state will be like, who knows?  Just a head's up for you.  While I may be in full AKA, I still force myself to function.

 

I wish for you sleep tonight.  And, I am a firm believer in things don't just happen.  There is always a reason...we just can't always see them right away.  Often times, it is far hindsight.  But, I always say to my daughters that everything happens for a reason.  It's really hard to see that during Benzo WD as our minds don't feel like our own.  But, I still believe it.

 

Have faith.  Be as patient as you can.  The answers will come....this situation does have a solution.

 

Try your best to rest...even if sleep seems to escape you...rest.  Tomorrow will take care of itself.  Your answers will appear...your path will become more clear.  And, trust in whatever decisions you make...in all areas.

 

Sending you much healing, MBenzo.

 

Warmly,

F

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Your daughters are very lucky to have such a strong mother to have the energy to try and support someone in crisis while going through one themself. I'm sure I'll be on to let you know how the night went.
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Your daughters are very lucky to have such a strong mother to have the energy to try and support someone in crisis while going through one themself. I'm sure I'll be on to let you know how the night went.

 

Hi Mbenzo,

 

My daughters don't really know how to handle my moving through this.  They are 32 and 33, and they feel as though they have lost their mother.  There are some difficult feelings being experienced.  No one knows how to deal with this.  So, I don't think they are feeling all that lucky right now.  This is so not uncommon.

 

I would like to know if you got some sleep last night and how you are managing today.

 

I wrote the PM message shortly after I got up at 1 a.m. this morning.  Sorry if it felt a little off....I was a little off.

 

You may have seen my post.  I am in an indefinite hold in order to stabilize...whatever that may look like, I have no idea.  What is clear is that I am unable to taper at this time.  So, another twist to the plot.  My plan yesterday is not my plan today.  Sound familiar?

 

How is your plan?  I hope you are finding some peaceful moments so you can reflect and get in touch with you.  If you were able to meditate last night...kudos to you!  I cannot meditate if my life depended on it with AKA.  Even if my pacing has subsided...I just can't be still unless I am doing something.

 

You know, we need people so much through this, and I want to be able to be someone who can help another when they are in need because God knows I know how that feels.  All of us on this site do.  And, if I had to venture a guess, I would say that most help we get on this site is coming from someone who is in crisis in some way.  We are those suffering who want to be able to help our comrades who are suffering.  It's pretty beautiful, really.  And, the sense of peace I get from knowing I may have been able to help in some small way is a gift.  And, during this, a feel good emotion is rare.  Both people win.  That's how I feel, anyway.

 

Wishing for you a day of healing...really just wanted to check in.

 

Warmly,

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Hi Faith,

 

Sorry that might of been unsensitive of me to make that comment about your daughters. The second I read your reply I understood, my family has no idea what's happening to me truly and even though my brother hasn't said it I know his concern must be at all time highs. We both thought after I fell of the cliff that it surly would he a few weeks or a month. Again things were somewhat fine until I ingested the ssri.

 

I was able to sleep much better both days since we've spoke, I am however using the smallest bit of melatonin but it seems to take the edge off from stress of tossing and turning.

 

Yesterday I slept from around 11ish to 7 am. Very broken but still I'm sure this is great news.

 

I'm sorry to hear your having to hold again, sometimes I don't know what's worse.... The symptoms or having to make decisions on what to do which says a lot about the decision making. I pray for your next stable and drop to happen soon.

 

I've been able to talk to people now regarding my new situation at home, and the crying is going down. I've been doing CBT from the second I CT and when I reached out to my therapist he being the kind and compassionate soul he is booked a session at no cost. Between here and the people around me I definitely feel the love. However I do think from time to time how long before even they get "fed" up.

 

After seeing my doctor and being giving the green light to updose to 0.75/D I have not done so, in fact I am actually for now continuing my rapid taper down. After my first CT at about 3 weeks in after 72hr wave from hell I acutely had 2 hours of a reduction in symptoms, this has always plagued my mind in regards to reinstating. After 3 weeks I took 1mg of lorazepam per docs orders to rule it out and it sent me into another wave of hell 4 days later.

Having a window at 3 weeks of cold turkey feels rare from what I've read and learnt. Who knows if I just kept the course where I could be now.

 

I am going to try to jump soon, even though life is wild. I am just not seeing the improvement being on them vs most of the CT days. Sure I haven't had a 72 HR wave from hell but this isnt good either, all I do is shower try to eat and go outside for smokes. During my CT I was actually walking around the neighborhood and using my peloton almost daily. When I was CT I couldn't work and right now I can't either so without risking going up to .75 and holding for months hoping something will change, maybe I'll get off and hold for months hoping I'll change.

 

Something that's just happened today I'm concerned about is my weight, I just dropped 4lbs in a few days and I'm not doing anything different. Even during my CT I was always around the same this was shocking.

 

That's very true, it is beautiful seeing people hurting finding time to try and help someone else hurt even less.

 

Well there's my check in. Hope the few days that have pasted you've feeling better even in the slightest.

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I would also like to add during CT for me the first 3 days in I went into store and for the first time ever experienced agoraphobia I needed out of that store as fast as possible. My partner saw me go pale and I was walking like I was going to fall over. A week later I went back in and although it was not pleasant I did not experience what I did that day.

 

That's why I am thinking a rapid might be my route I was seeing small signs of improvement in random symptoms. Who know they could have got worse as time went or better. I cling to the signatures of people with relatively short use with low dose and you see at 6-10 months amazing recovery. I so want that to be my case, at first I thought whatever was happening would be weeks. I've now accepted the better part of this year to be hard.

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Hi MBenzo,

 

How are you doing?  How are your symptoms?  Did you decide upon a rapid taper?

 

I have been like a rollercoaster....and, my focus, while may sound good on paper, is all over the place.  It took me a good 10 minutes to find this thread before I realized to use the search window.  It's been a rough one today.

 

I am glad that your heart is calming a bit after all that you have been through and that you are able to talk about it.  Again, I am so sorry you went through that at this most difficult time. 

 

I understand your thought processes.  And, really, we really don't know what will happen.  We just have to navigate it as best we can and make the best decisions in each moment.

 

I am amazed at the sleep you are getting.  That says a lot to me.  I have used melatonin for a good duration of my taper, but I slowly weaned down.  I now take about the size of a crumb in my hand more for the psychological affect until I decide to stop.  I know I have read that 1) you shouldn't use melatonin with a sedative medication 2) your pituitary gland can start to rely on it and not produce the hormone itself anymore.  So, something to keep in mind.  Just one more thing I learned a good while after I started to use it.

 

This hold is going to be a good long while.  I am just too unstable.  And, I'm tired of being this way.  So, I have my excel sheet with all my calculations and formulas laid out...but, no changes in terms of dosage will be added for a long time.  It's for the best, and I've had a lot of help with this decision.  And, I will oscillate between my emotions regarding it a lot...'cause that is what I do a lot of the time when really feeling it.  But, I am firm on the decision.

 

I so know what you mean about feeling like people will start to give up....compassion fatigue.  But, those who truly care and want the best for us will walk with us on this journey of healing and recovery.  Those that don't were never meant to.  Sometimes people fall away, and it was just because it was the way it was meant to be....not because we are not worthy.  Somethings we lose are traumatic, and some are necessary.  Both hurt and serve their own purpose.

 

I, too, have lost another 6 lbs.  Have lost approx. 40ish lbs since this started.  I didn't have a scale, so I didn't know my exact weight, but I remember from the last time I was at the doctor's and got weighed.  I've lost a lot, and you don't need a scale to know it.  It happens.  Lots of stress.

 

Regarding smoking, I have smoked through this, too.  I started again after quitting when this all began for me.  But, I would like to stop.  So, I am looking into patches.  They are expensive, but I am looking for a way to acquire them free of charge through the hospital department that I have therapy through.  It's not going to be easy...not because of the addictive component so much, but because it has given me something to do.  I know sounds like the most ridiculous reason, but I'm so limited right now.

 

Okay...so, that is my update.  Please let me know how you are doing now.

 

Warmly,

F

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Hi Faith,

 

I can see by your choice to hold indefinitely that your not doing the greatest, I hope it's a shorter hold then you think it will be.

 

Today was bad... I continued with my rapid taper and let's say day 2 of another drop after 25% 9 days ago.... Well didnt go well.

 

I had to have my brother help talk me into it. I was scared. The symptoms were horrendous and I was being stubborn. I did learn something though through the second rapid attempt. I have a benzo issue, deep down somewhere I always was suspicious of the ssri just how the rapid onset of this was so closely related to when I took it.

 

I reinstated, still feeling horrible I had more motivation to try to heal myself. Those past 2 days I was watching the clock tick hoping, begging for it to be bed time. That was how painful the CT was, feeling that again was horrible. Sadly I didn't feel well on the resentment either. I'm kinda scared, this is so intense I just don't know how anyone can be expected to do this day in and day out for months on end if not years.

 

So I'm back up in does and I'm planning on holding for a little while. See if giving it some time will help. Not a day goes by where I don't ask myself this can't be real this can't be happening.

 

I am going to try not using melatonin going forward. I always knew it's not great for a sedative but thought my low dose was fine but I've read the bottles, no more then 2-4 weeks.... What does that remind us of.

 

Funny thing for me with smoking, I had a quit date set all last year, Dec 15th. The exact day this all started, I'm not going to try to go through that while I'm still peaking in this withdraw but if I can get stable or feel even one window of my normal self I might give it a go then. That's someone that I look forward to and hope I can feel one day is a window where I feel almost normal, it's like until that happens a part of me thinks it's impossible.

 

I hope you can kick it as soon as possible, I quite for years and I really enjoyed not smoking.

 

I wrote in my reinstating feeling pretty close to CT post in detail about me going back up in dose. Again I was telling myself just do it. Today broke me, I can't. That's ok though I'm not giving up.

 

Hope to hear good news from you as soon as it happens!

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I’m in Mississauga. I had a extreme withdrawl was pacing for like 3-6 months with akathasia. Didn’t really turn a corner until month 13 off benzos. Turned another good corner last week. Still getting waves that last 2-3 days but I have days where I feel almost healed. I am 17 months off as of yesterday. I had every symtom in the book I was a extreme case.
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I’m in Mississauga. I had a extreme withdrawl was pacing for like 3-6 months with akathasia. Didn’t really turn a corner until month 13 off benzos. Turned another good corner last week. Still getting waves that last 2-3 days but I have days where I feel almost healed. I am 17 months off as of yesterday. I had every symtom in the book I was a extreme case.

 

Hi G1,

 

Thank you for your message.

 

Yes, the AKA is terrible.  I'm in the middle of an episode now.  Did you pace all day ever day? How long did you taper for?

 

So happy for you that you have come out the other side.  Thank you for sharing that, neighbour.

 

Warmly,

F

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