Do things just make sense after?

As of right now, and for the last 17 months, I have been completely unable to tell what to do with my life once I get back to it.  Of course I will be happy to just feel okay, but will things that I currently can't figure out just make sense?  I am engaged and supposed to be married by now for a long time, and I am too agoraphobic to handle being around ANYONE who can marry us—will it just make sense to me when I'm better?  Will I just be able to do it without wondering "What if the POSITIVE stress from a new life event sets me back into withdrawals?? Even from getting married??"

My fiancée works an hour and a half away and we can't move closer because of me not being able to tolerate going anywhere or tolerate big changes or stress.  And I end up alone for 3 extra hours a day because of this too.  Will I just know what to do about the move when I'm better?  Will I still worry that the stress will set me back?  (The kind of stress that sneaks up on you, because you actually WANT to move and don't FEEL stressed about it, but know that the amount of "life change" that has taken place will inevitably be stressful?)

I haven't had a job in about two years all due to this stuff.  Will I be able to figure out what I should do without worrying about setbacks?

Haven't seen my parents in 2 years because I moved 1000 miles away and entered withdrawal after.  Feel like I have no idea when I could ever handle the stress of traveling, and worry about setbacks from that toom or setbacks or waves just because, where I get sick again IN the state they live in, and end up stuck 1000 miles away from home being agoraphobic and unwilling to travel again?

I want to have kids, but I don't want to do ANYTHING big until I know that I am not only healed, but so healed that I am not going to get slammed into another stupid wave.  How am I supposed to know if anything is ever truly better, or truly over, if a wave can just crash down ar any moment?  Does this get more predictable?  Why do I see so many people post things about being much worse eo suddenly?  How can feeling better even feel good if you know that can happen?  Every single time I have felt any better, I have been completely smashed again.

hey 10%,

 

although this may sound unkind, your message really reassured me. and also, good on you for making it this far. i relate to a lot of the stuff you've mentioned here. I don't have the answers, I just have the same questions. They don't go away, they just fluctuate in how much I worry about them.

 

i feel like a totally different person to the one i was before i got put on benzos 4 years ago. it's been miserable. like you, i haven't had an income for 2 years. i used to be the life of the party and now i have to make sure i walk past the fewest amount of people i can just to get to the shops and back. i used to deliberately walk past, and interact with, as many as i could. now i just stay at home and like you, count the hours down until the end of each day. yes, i do all the management stuff, but it's impossible. i panic about how to use the time up because my focus is so terrible. i used to be a machine. i'd cook breakfast and download a new album to listen to on the way to work if I had, literally, 5 minutes free. where the f**k did that guy go? it sucks. and it sucks bad. it's hard to have faith in any kind of recovery if you have never experienced it before and have no support. i have been to the darkest places. but i am still here. and so are you. and so are others who have made it, as you said, to a full recovery.

 

i'm 4 months off. i am improving a positive direction when i reflect on the facts. however, my thoughts and feelings are always changing so much that I have no perspective on time or my true state, the present, past or future. i am pretty much in a constant state of confusion. time is by and large frozen. i do not reach flow states as a general rule. i am not asking for sympathy - i'm writing this to reassure anyone else who is feeling the same - especially you 10% - that you are not alone 

 

As you said - people have made it and are on the other side. If there are any of you reading this and can confirm you find yourself again and realise it's all been a torturous benzo dream - PLEASE COMMENT TO REASSURE US. I suspect some of you may feel like you are even a better version of yourselves. This kind of reassurance will make asking and answering the types of questions mentioned in the original post less intrusive. With support and a shared understanding from those who have been through it, we can trust in the process, it can become easier to accept.

 

Hang in there,

 

Paranoid Android x

hey 10%,

 

although this may sound unkind, your message really reassured me. and also, good on you for making it this far. i relate to a lot of the stuff you've mentioned here. I don't have the answers, I just have the same questions. They don't go away, they just fluctuate in how much I worry about them.

 

i feel like a totally different person to the one i was before i got put on benzos 4 years ago. it's been miserable. like you, i haven't had an income for 2 years. i used to be the life of the party and now i have to make sure i walk past the fewest amount of people i can just to get to the shops and back. i used to deliberately walk past, and interact with, as many as i could. now i just stay at home and like you, count the hours down until the end of each day. yes, i do all the management stuff, but it's impossible. i panic about how to use the time up because my focus is so terrible. i used to be a machine. i'd cook breakfast and download a new album to listen to on the way to work if I had, literally, 5 minutes free. where the f**k did that guy go? it sucks. and it sucks bad. it's hard to have faith in any kind of recovery if you have never experienced it before and have no support. i have been to the darkest places. but i am still here. and so are you. and so are others who have made it, as you said, to a full recovery.

 

i'm 4 months off. i am improving a positive direction when i reflect on the facts. however, my thoughts and feelings are always changing so much that I have no perspective on time or my true state, the present, past or future. i am pretty much in a constant state of confusion. time is by and large frozen. i do not reach flow states as a general rule. i am not asking for sympathy - i'm writing this to reassure anyone else who is feeling the same - especially you 10% - that you are not alone 

 

As you said - people have made it and are on the other side. If there are any of you reading this and can confirm you find yourself again and realise it's all been a torturous benzo dream - PLEASE COMMENT TO REASSURE US. I suspect some of you may feel like you are even a better version of yourselves. This kind of reassurance will make asking and answering the types of questions mentioned in the original post less intrusive. With support and a shared understanding from those who have been through it, we can trust in the process, it can become easier to accept.

 

Hang in there,

 

Paranoid Android x

 

"

i'm 4 months off. i am improving a positive direction when i reflect on the facts. however, my thoughts and feelings are always changing so much that I have no perspective on time or my true state, the present, past or future. i am pretty much in a constant state of confusion. time is by and large frozen. i do not reach flow states as a general rule. i am not asking for sympathy - i'm writing this to reassure anyone else who is feeling the same - especially you 10% - that you are not alone  :smitten"

 

This is not an easy thing to word and it is golden.

Hi 10.  I'm in the same boat as you.  I'm practicing living every day as just that day.  When the what ifs and what is gonna happen, what am I gonna do abouts start coming in I have to refocus back to today.  I'm used to planning things, and generally knowing where I am in my life but for now I just try to make today as decent as possible.  I'm learning a lot about having faith that things will work out for me how they are supposed to.  I like having a couple of things to do each week on my calendar.  And of course the daily routine including my afternoon walking.  Other than that the big life questions are on hold.  I feel a lot of gratitude that I can take this time for myself to heal.  I hope you find calm. 

I am not you nor can anyone tell you what will happen to you but I can only say how things went for me.  I got engaged during my taper which was BRUTAL.  I had so many symptoms including agoraphobia monophobia akasthasia just dozens and dozens of debilitating symptoms.  I got married and jumped 3 days later.  I was sooooo sure I was dying that I had a will filled out a filed at the court house (that’s how SURE I was that I would die).  It’s been a year and 2 months still married working full time still struggling but much improvement.  Doubting yourself is just part of the wd. It makes us worry about everything