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Having a REALLY tough day with the PAWS today -- words of support welcome


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I am having a REALLY tough day with the PAWS today. I haven't had an actual window in 4.5 months, and today is one of those days where I feel like I have cement blocks on my feet. Words of support are welcome. Here are my thoughts:

 

This constant feeling of wishing time away when I used to value every precious moment.

 

The guilt of putting my family, friends, and pets through this horrific experience and losing happy moments with them.

 

Waiting to feel better day by day when I used to live fully, and I didn't even know how lucky I was.

 

Trying to distract myself with things I don't even care to spend my time on because physical symptoms have limitations. 

 

Feeling hopeless about how much time has passed and hearing the same reassurance repeatedly, "time is the only healer."

 

Envying people who got off the benzos without issues and thinking, how will I get through another day of this?

 

Feeling exhausted from all the stress and drama yet unable to truly rest.

 

Battling chronic pains without the ability to take medications because medications will likely only cause more problems.

 

Speaking with functional friends, hearing their recommendations, and realizing they just don't get it again. Feeling sad and jealous of their health, just wanting life to return to normal again, wondering when and if it will.

 

I used to be such a positive chipper person. Now I am constantly weighted down.

 

It all gets so old. I have no reason to feel depressed or anxious other than this long, drawn-out process. 

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I'm feeling the same, I used to look forward to the days full of doing things, now I just try to get through them and hope I sleep. I have a long way to taper too, so if I have words of encouragement the'd be at least your're off and your system is healing even though it doesn't feel like it. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
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You may have read I’m helping my friend through this and what I see in him really hits home for me because he’s real, he’s in my life and he’s not words on a page,  The changes I see in him from one day to the next are unmistakable and obvious to me but that’s because I’ve lived it, I see it here every day but the world can’t and its so unfair.

 

His symptoms are on their way out but since last May, he’s had windows and waves and when those waves hit, he’s hopeless, scared and miserable but when the windows open up, he’s once again his positive self, ready to do everything he enjoys. 

 

You haven’t had a window, thats the gift we get to know we’re still capable of normal healthy and happy feelings but not having a window doesn’t mean you won’t recover, I only had one and it lasted just a few seconds but they are a lifeline that you haven’t had extended to you and I’m sorry.  I can see you desperately need to feel that connection to yourself so you can maintain that connection with your family and friends.  I wish it would happen for you but recovery doesn’t depend on it. 

 

I had guilt too but you’re being too hard on yourself, you have an injury and you can’t expect to be and do all, please don’t be so hard on yourself.  Your friends don’t understand but its not their fault, who can fathom what we go through, who can see our torment, who can truly know our pain?  No one and we wouldn’t wish it on them so we endure and we get through it and we recover eventually.

 

The gift this process gives us is gratitude and its powerful.  I won’t say I’m glad I went through it but I will say I’m a better person because of it.  You’ve going to come out of this, you’re going to return to your full life and put this behind you but it will also give you an appreciation for your life and health you wouldn’t have known otherwise and that is a gift, a well earned gift.

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Thank you both for your kindness.

 

63dman, I wish you well with the rest of your taper. I pray that it is uneventful and that you can go on with your life a better version of yourself after benzos. I am sure I speak for many on this forum when I say we are here for you.

 

Pamster, Thank you for taking the time to write such a long and supportive message. You are correct; the windows must give some glimpse that life can return to what we once knew. I am glad your friend has them, and I can also understand his feelings when the waves hit again. But it sounds like he is well on his way and is lucky to have you in his life since you understand this, as perhaps few others can.

 

I wonder if there is something about the 10-13 month mark. I read many stories of people starting to see significant changes on average around those times. Also in the 18-24 month range. Some people see them 3 to 7 months, so I know there is no rhyme or reason here. I am curious to hear your thoughts on this. Doctors initially told me, "2 weeks, you should feel better." Then it was "4 weeks." Then at four weeks, it was "2 months." Now it is "3-6 months." I don't know what to think at this point. And I know, unfortunately, nobody has a crystal ball or a magic wand.

 

Tonight, I am thinking about how I might approach my recovery differently to feel more alive and like I have things to live for which is just as important. To be less focused on the symptoms. If that is possible at this point in my recovery. I don't know. I am raising my hand as new at this.

 

Is giving up the timeline the ticket to freedom and greater peace of mind? I think about that. How do you surrender the timeline and embrace what is and be able to live your life in the process? How do you feel this horrific discomfort and live the best you can through it until it passes? Benzo recovery can feel like life is over, which is an unfulfilling and potentially dangerous mindset.

 

I envy people who can distract themselves easily from symptoms. I have not been able to do that. The physical pain has been so unbearable at moments, and I cannot do much about it since I have been avoiding polypharmacy at all costs. So it's not like I can take a pill and find some relief like I once may have done.

 

I got freaked out this week because a new symptom cropped up, and I already feel like my plate is full. So it threw me for a loop and kicked off a depression reflex. I am now tapering off a medication I was given at the hospital that was supposed to help with the benzos, and I believe it gave me this side effect. But staying on it is not wise. So here we are again in a rock-and-hard place scenario that seems very familiar (and recent.) Cue the stress of not being out of the woods after suffering so much pain already.

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