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4 years off can’t believe still not recovered!


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I can’t believe I am still not recovered from the enforced CT 4 years ago. After nearly year did try AD’s but hadn’t made any progress up still then and they made things worse. Then to get slammed by a bad reaction to the flu jab 3 months ago that put me into indescribable physical and mental hell only just recovering from. I did stupidly take diazapam just get me through that but needed something keep me out of psych ward. Have stopped it so now getting withdrawal from that.  Prior to that been about 28 months with no meds but barely any progress. I am seriously thinking it’s permanent brain damage. Done everything I can to try and fight it, but still barely get a window. Am coming conclusion maybe some of us don’t recover. Get harder and harder to explain to people why I can’t go away, go to places on my own, because got this mental hell swirling round in my head. If I describe my thoughts I sound like a compl etly crazy person. The thought of this being my life now terrifies me. Did start having some therapy, having put on hold as had lot extra expense recently, but hoping might help eventually. As had lot emotional trauma over years, now son going through IVF, which not going great at moment. Just really wish I knew what I was doing wrong, others have been on loads meds and recovered I only ever had about 3 or 4 packets zop a year. Never abused it. I sometimes feel people like me don’t get many replies because people are sick of us moaning, and feel we are being a nuisance, which I totally understand, wish I could summon up a bit of hope that I will improve.
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At 4 years off I would be quite desperate and prob take anything in hopes of healing.  Have you taken any of the more unorthodox treatments ? Hgh methylene blue ldn nad+ stem cell??????
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im there myself and hoping atleast my stomach stuff heals soon started taking "Garden of Life" probiotics 80 Billion CFU. So far its helped my stomach stuff its def not as bad as before and im eating different foods now. im taking it after i have coffee bc coffee kills off all bacteria good and bad.
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There’s a success story on BB. I think the user name is Megan or Meghan. I’m trying to find it for you. She healed entirely after four years. I think at 4.5 years, to be exact. She had a significant uptick in symptoms, then woke up one day, and they were all gone. Maybe you can reach out to her. Do any other members recall this story?
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Yes it was Meganz, just looked she was lot better at 39 months. My symptoms are bad mental symptoms which seem to take lot longer to improve. I’ve taken every supplement going, plus various therapy. Have just started having therapy again, she agreed the CT caused this. I didn’t help taking AD’s but they were recommended for intrusive thoughts but jyst made things worse. Just given up hope really at moment. If there was a pill to give me a life again I would take it, but sadly no magic potion to give me my life back I now realise.
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I wrote a success story after i felt healed for 8 months then one day it all just hit me again. I always told myself i probly wasnt healed though for the sake of my mental which did help me. 
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Me too Leann, me too. My nervous system still can't handle any kind of stress. Anytime it happens I end up getting thrown into a horrible wave. I also spend the first 3-4 hours every morning feeling pretty awful, but thankfully most of it burns off by the evening. I'm having a hard time imagining that I'll ever heal at this point, but really the only option is to keep going and do the best we can. It's a daily struggle for me to accept that this is how my life is now and do the best I can to ignore it/pretend like I'm okay so that I can function.
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There’s a success story on BB. I think the user name is Megan or Meghan. I’m trying to find it for you. She healed entirely after four years. I think at 4.5 years, to be exact. She had a significant uptick in symptoms, then woke up one day, and they were all gone. Maybe you can reach out to her. Do any other members recall this story?

 

Posting here for anyone this might help: http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=258711.msg3272628#msg3272628

 

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There’s a success story on BB. I think the user name is Megan or Meghan. I’m trying to find it for you. She healed entirely after four years. I think at 4.5 years, to be exact. She had a significant uptick in symptoms, then woke up one day, and they were all gone. Maybe you can reach out to her. Do any other members recall this story?

 

Posting here for anyone this might help: http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=258711.msg3272628#msg3272628

 

Dang, I'm officially behind Meganz on her healing timeline. Stress still hits me hard at over 45 months.

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Yes it was Meganz, just looked she was lot better at 39 months. My symptoms are bad mental symptoms which seem to take lot longer to improve. I’ve taken every supplement going, plus various therapy. Have just started having therapy again, she agreed the CT caused this. I didn’t help taking AD’s but they were recommended for intrusive thoughts but jyst made things worse. Just given up hope really at moment. If there was a pill to give me a life again I would take it, but sadly no magic potion to give me my life back I now realise.

 

Sorry you are going through this. Have all your physical symptoms resolved?

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Yes physical symptoms eased in first few months. Had big set back early October,  ended up bedridden for several weeks, whether was some sort virus don’t know. Son is going through IVF, which is really stressing me out, I’m sort person that wants to make things right for people. Making me quite emotional as can’t fix it, paying for a cycle, but they are really struggling ,  plus had lot emotional stress when my Mum secretly cut me out of her will when she died couple years ago, so probably contributing to delayed recovery.
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Hey, leann, I've been close to the psych ward too, and get what you mean about EVERYTHING.  Bedridden, bereaved and broken.  Don't want to be seen as a whinger.  Don't want to put newcomers off as same won't necessarily happen to themselves.  Some of us get it bad I think, and some 'badder' than either you or I.  Think of the poor ones who never made it out.  :'(

 

I rarely say much here 'cause think in a lot of denial about this being real.  Seems so implausible.  I don't think like this any longer.  It's real alright. 

 

My own crackpot theory apart from us all having different neural uptakes of benzos is that for me, trauma from past, trauma from withdrawal has bent my brain as the drug was withdrawn.  Memories, everything, returned.  Hard to cop.  :crazy:

 

I won't to leave you with a bit of hope Leann, but at same time don't won't to jinx myself, and I'm generally not superstitious.  ;)

 

I'm starting to feel a little hope leann.  I can feel a tiny turning of the corner.  I'm finding myself just that little bit more UNAFRAID of being in the world.  Oh, pray it continues.  :angel:

 

I've started seeing a psychotherapist to help me deal with the trauma of it all.  Past and present.  I'm holding high hopes that I'll take on that corner in style.  🏁:)

 

Don't give up hope leann. .  It takes longer for some of us, based I think on our past experience, and the way our individual brains uptake these drugs.  I don't have the scientific language to describe this but hope you take my meaning. 

 

I think it's a great idea to return to psychotherapy leann.  In fact I think it should take priority. 

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Suddenly I have found myself DOING more things. Struck the cobwebs down from the corners, made dinner, washed a bench in the garden.  And, more.

 

I'm DOING and BEING where I was not able to before.  Will this last?!  I'ts progress, and I love it.

 

Oh, hail whatever god is listening to me.  To us.  :smitten:

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I’m glad you are improving. The recent setback whatever it was has sent the intrusive thoughts into overdrive. Bit  like OCD type symptoms, but traditional therapy treatment doesn’t help, more like severe anxiety.. Some days worse than others, because I spoke to my son last night and things not going well with the IVF, I had little sleep and really bad today. Having put therapy on hold for little while due to financial reasons but hopefully start it again soon. Weather here doesn’t help too cold to really do much as well. Plus probably diazapam withdrawal.
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I can relate to some of the things you are all saying here...This process really takes its time...

I haven't seen a therapist in my life...

 

Deadwoodgone..Do you think therapy really helps to heal trauma...As it is the only thing I haven't tried yet...

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Leann, my appetite has returned!  I was 42kgs skin and bone. 

 

Don't give up hope leann we are both on same 4 year timeline.  Hope springs eternal.  :thumbsup:

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Hi Bexlan, I'm hoping therapy will help.  The trauma of this thing really smashed me bigtime.  Smashed us all.  :sick: :'(

 

I'm figuring that a therapist, unlike family and friends, won't be able to roll their eyes  ::) when I talk this stuff out, and if she does I'll give her the sack.  Find one who'll listen to my truth. 

 

Just someone to talk to face to face.  This has been such a long, lonely, torturous journey. 

 

It seems I've turned a corner Bexlan.  This is either a great big window idk I've never really had a real window before.  I am so grateful. 

 

I pray for us all because I get the horror, the terror of the whole disgusting thing. 

 

Love to you Bexlan. 

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I think if you have emotional stuff in past therapy can help as think partly contributes to my anxiety, The fact I had toxic mother who lied to me for years, sister who convinced my Mum to leave everything to her when my Mum died, husband nearly dying taking year to really recover, now worrying about my son and the stress IVF is causing them. Therapy is very expensive here, just had buy new computer plus helping with IVF, so will have wait bit to have more. I think it can take several months to work. I really wish I hadn’t tried other meds as definitely got lot worse after the AD’s. It’s just when you never get a day free from the mental symptoms swirling in your head you find it hard to believe your brain can repair itself. She was the 1st person to agree I should never been CT’d and that is what triggered this. Been up since 6.30am doing washing, fear of contamination new symptom developed since the October setback. Just sick constantly living like this. I’m apparently being “ watched”’ so moderators no  I don’t mean I’m having SI thoughts!
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Hey Leann

 

I am 44 months off and in a setback too since September. I've been really really bad throughout my taper and once off with zero windows. My waves are acute and I have no windows just times that arent as "acute".

 

Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in feeling this bad this far off. I try and remain hopeful that this will improve.

 

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Thank you for that. Sitting here sobbing, just would give anything to get my life back. Just won a little bit on lottery I do, but means nothing when you are like this, can’t go anywhere or do anything, Really felling shit today. Whether it’s the diazapam withdrawal, really thought be OK after only few weeks on it. Funny you mention flu, since I had flu jab felt so much worse than before.
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RE: the therapist stuff, I started seeing a therapist back at the tail end of my acute phase of WD in February of 2019. I did a bunch of EMDR for trauma and it was a huge help with the intrusive thoughts. It hasn't helped me heal faster overall, but I did feel better after doing it. Part of me suspects that there is a significant psychological aspect to this WD healing timeline, like those of us with a lot of previous trauma history have a lot more of a tough time completely healing from this whole thing. I think there is something about how when we are happier in our lives and have more positive support and experience with loved ones, it helps us heal faster and feel better.
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Leann,

 

I'm so sorry that you're struggling. I looked at everyone's conversations and it was very interesting. I'm 32 months out and still having the intense chemical fear. I've done a lot of work for my past abuse from my mother. It's called neuro emotional technique, it's an amazing technique. I worked with that for about 20 years. So I'm hoping most of my trauma has been cleared. A friend of mine that's working with a renowned therapist told me that the therapist said to them that past trauma in benzo recovery is 1% and benzo is 99%. Wondering what's true. It really does make you think. Big hugs!

 

LiveLife

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I agree with what you say about those of us with past trauma alichino.  Certainly there was a lot in mine.  Many of us here I'd wager. 

 

The woman I am seeing has been practicing for for 25 years and is supposedly experienced in trauma therapy.  Experienced in EMDR. 

 

I'm hoping whatever she has to offer will help.  I live on my own, and having someone to talk to face to face will be helpful in itself. 

 

Hope you're ok today leann.  The intrusive thoughts are terrible, I know.  I have had them, and I do know.  I finished up with a verbal tic which has still not resolved properly.  I don't have Tourette's.  Rears its head under stress.

 

But still, after all of this I have made a Great Leap Forward these past few days and I'm grateful.

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Deadwood,

 

About when would you say that your intense chemical fear started to settle down?  Did you have night terrors that woke you up and if so when did those settle down? Hugs!

 

LiveLife

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I agree with what you say about those of us with past trauma alichino.  Certainly there was a lot in mine.  Many of us here I'd wager. 

 

The woman I am seeing has been practicing for for 25 years and is supposedly experienced in trauma therapy.  Experienced in EMDR. 

 

I'm hoping whatever she has to offer will help.  I live on my own, and having someone to talk to face to face will be helpful in itself. 

 

Hope you're ok today leann.  The intrusive thoughts are terrible, I know.  I have had them, and I do know.  I finished up with a verbal tic which has still not resolved properly.  I don't have Tourette's.  Rears its head under stress.

 

But still, after all of this I have made a Great Leap Forward these past few days and I'm grateful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Complete meltdown today spent most day in bed. Wish I’d never tried the diazapam even though it really helped at first, seemed backfire on me. Just feel such a failure that I can’t fight this anymore, nothing I try helps, feel my fault because I tried other meds😩

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