Will it get better? I am hopeless

Today the day did not start well. The feeling of failure in me is great, abstinence is probably intensifying this, but I think some of these feelings would be coming up even if I wasn't in abstinence. I promised my grandmother that I would make her proud in life and I didn't, then she passed away and I promised myself that I would become a better person and this is not happening. People in my family circle say they are proud of me because I have not been involved with drugs or anything worse. Poor things, they don't know what a destroyed person I am, social phobia, fears and more fears, cell phone addiction, constant anxiety attacks, benzos addiction, pornography addiction, procrastination, I am a destroyed person, and it's all because of myself, my choices, my decisions. The anguish is greater because I can't get out of them, I can't help myself, improve myself, become a better person, I always sabotage myself, it seems that sadness has become normal in me, I got used to it and I seem to be enjoying its company, but this is not good, I am destroying myself more and more, losing mental and even physical health, I am afraid of people, now I have also acquired the fear of going out into the street, I spend the day on my cell phone watching random news in order to not have to deal with my problems, I also do not know if today I will resort to benzo, I want to take and spend the whole afternoon sleeping doped up, I have to help myself, it is no use listening to advice and do nothing, but I do not do, I victimize myself, I run away from me, I am afraid of life, the choices, people, I'm lost.

 

I know the benzos are acting in parts to lead me to these thoughts, but before I started taking the medicine my mental health was already a little complicated, but after I started taking the medicine it seems to have become worse, the lies from the benzos often come to me. " I will not get better ", " my anxiety and depression are real and have nothing to do with the benzo ", " I will never be happy again ".

I spend the day with anxiety, fears, alertness, even my sleep is starting to be impaired, and it's only been 14 days since I dropped the benzos again, I believe there is no point in reintegrating, I've already done it twice and it seems that only made my state worse, I think I have to endure the hurricane, and in the meantime do something to help me, do you have any tips/advice?

We can be our own worst enemy.  Many of us extend kindness, forgiveness & compassion to others without ever turning that same unconditional friendliness toward ourselves.  Add bento withdrawal to the mix and it can be a thousand times harder.  I totally get having a dark view of things and feeling hopeless about the future.You're so right that benzo lies tell us we're going to fail at everything.  But this is just a miserable chemical trick benzo withdrawal plays on us. I'm convinced that even for those with pre-existing mental health challenges like anxiety, there are ways we can learn to cope without benzos.

It looks to me like you're ruminating about regrets - rumination is a very common withdrawal symptoms where we go over and over and over memories, often negative.  This was a very intense symptom for me.  Please try to remember that this is another nasty trick withdrawal plays on us.

Still, there can be some value in looking at the things you regret. A big challenge is that we tend to see our problems as one gigantic insurmountable mass - this is when it helps to break that mass down into little manageable pieces.  One piece is trying to work on forgiving yourself.

My hope for you is that you can start looking at mistakes you've made ( and we're ALL human and we've ALL made mistakes, even big ones) and then try to forgive yourself and let it go. A good therapist could help you with this too. 

Here are some helpful links:

Anxiety

What’s happening inside your brain

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=231699.0 (this is a thread about rumination)

I would like to know how you can forgive yourself? I am also ruminating and really struggling with my withdrawal.

Thank you.

It can be hard to practice self-forgiveness when you're in the thick of withdrawal - because rumination and intrusive memories keep coming at you.  But even something as simple as trying to replace negative self talk with kinder self talk can make a difference.  For example you can tell yourself: I was doing the best I could at the time.  I am human.  It is human to make mistakes.  I have learned from it.

This is one of many online resources: https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/

I apologize for these negative posts, if you want you can ban me, I don't know, I am in a mental mess for a while, my mental health was never good, but it was reasonable, but from last year on it got worse, I have these bouts of anguish that are becoming more frequent, I feel guilty for not being able to help myself or get out of this, my family supports me, I have great people by my side, but I don't know what happens, I can't get out of it, I have no existential sense, I just live, I have looked for ways out, but I can't find them, I continue in this limbo of meaninglessness, What upsets me is the work I'm giving to the people I love so much, almost a year of this, I'm in the dilemma of not knowing what to do, I don't want to hurt them emotionally anymore, I'm afraid of staying like this indefinitely, of not getting better and wearing out even more the people I love, but I can't just leave because I know I would also leave a painful mark for those I love, then the only option left is to get better, but I don't know how, the recent death and the withdrawal of diazepam have not helped me, those thoughts hit my mind like a hammer, I see myself in a dead end, seeing nothing in front of the future

I can absolutely see why you feel like you do, a cold turkey is brutal and you’re in the thick of it.  The benzo lies are working overtime on you, I hope you’ll push back on them because I see a good person who make his grandmother a promise and I see someone who is going to fulfill that promise.  Quit listening to the lies the drug is telling you, you’re young and you’re going to recover a lot faster than a lot of the old timers so start listening to those of us who have recovered and know your time is coming.

 

Benzo lies that have been busted