4 months off Ativan

Hi Buddies,

 

I am four months off today. I wish I could say I am excited to be off or celebrating. I do not feel that way yet. I have been bed-bound most of this time and haven't had an actual window yet.

 

Bed-bound because of muscle pain, fatigue from ER visits, hospitalization, and many other doctors' appointments trying to figure out something to bring some relief that doesn't cause further harm. Bed-bound with what feels like a bone-crushing depression from the trauma of this entire experience, filled with guilt and regret. Bed-bound with fear of the future due to these symptoms that have made me feel trapped in my own body.

 

Many symptoms disappeared in months 2-3, with some minor improvements in month three, but also some symptoms worsened, like insomnia and anxiety. The anxiety has been inhumane, frankly. (I now understand the anxiety must be from weaning off some Seroquel the hospital gave me to sleep, which I wish I hadn't taken. I now feel stuck on Seroquel...another risky medication I did not need.) Muscle pain is usually unbearable, but I treat it with as little medication as possible.

 

I want my brain to heal naturally from this experience and be off all medications. I had minor general depression and anxiety before benzos, and the drugs only exacerbated my minimal issues.

 

I am fighting for holistic healing. I have been in pain every day to get there. I am trying to focus on the positive or at least stay neutral. It has been challenging due to the physical pain.

 

My friends think I need psych medication at this point -- they do not understand this process and think I want to heal naturally, but my mind won't let me. They say I worship doctors, forums, and Google, that I cannot turn my brain off from this and think about medical stuff all day long, research doctors that can help me, etc. I do try to find answers and relief because this has been so scary. They have no idea what this has been like. It is easy for them to say.

 

I wish I could focus on spiritual matters solely on God, goodness, and healing, but this has caused a spiritual breakdown that I do not know how to rectify. I keep trying.

 

When will this experience shift? I do not know. What is the next right solution? I do not know.

 

I wanted to post my milestone regardless. Thank you for listening.

Hi! I understand every word you are writing. I am "only" 34 days off but already feel the urgency, desperation, etc. Stick to your guns-loved ones simply want to help but they also believe it's a situation where you simply take a pill and that's that. We know the answer is not more drugs and you can figure out the Seroquel when you need to.

 

You could see healing very soon here and then the windows will help you move forward easier. Just hang tough...this is dreadful...but hang in there. I see lots turn corners around 6 months. Even a better baseline to help things. You've got this. I am in the thick of it now and feel so much of what you wrote.

Thank you for replying with such kindness. Change is in a moment that could happen at any time. All we can do is take things from moment to moment. Over the past four months, I have had about 5-6 "good" days. Not I have an appetite, I am back to work and the gym good days. But slightly better than other days; I drove, went to a market, did some "normal" activities. I have that to be grateful for. I do not like the mental and physical symptoms. And I also realize that I am in a pivotal healing time and I want to avoid making any decision that could worsen them.