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still total insomnia (no sense of sleepiness) after 6 months


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Hi.  I'm sorry it is so hard.  I have had terrible insomnia too.

For me,  at the worst of it, when i wasnt sleeping for weeks on end, I got a counselor and saw her regularly.  They say that sleep deprivation won't kill you, but it can lead one down into some very dark places. 

I was really in trouble a few nights ago.    It was yet another night shaping up into no sleep, and I began to have a series of dark thoughts... about me, about my life... that I'm inconsequential,  nobody would miss me if I checked out.... etc.  one thought cascading into another. 

I began to panic, and thought about a taking a trip to emerg.  But then I was able to cry for a bit.... and I prayed... to anyone or anything that was out there....  in desperation,  I ransacked my old photos and love letters, looking for something that would give me strength and validation. 

I stumbled on an article that mentions body pressure points... to bring anxiety  and blood pressure down...  so I started there... and one in particular helped... it is located beneath the inner ankle and just above the heel.

I had a hot bath and while in the tub, it came to me, that our brain and nervous system believes the stories we tell it.  That it is in my power to turn things around....  so I began to tell myself stories of my victories, my strength...

They are in there - those stories, just like the dark ones. 

I managed to turn things around....  dispel my nausea and anxiety and got some sleep.  Not much.  But a victory. 

I got lucky that night and vowed to never let myself get that far down.

That said....  sometimes, on this terrible road, I have felt hopeless and broken.  That is such a scary place.  If you find yourself  there for too long, please ask for help....  here, in Canada, mental health counseling is free.  Please don't isolate and let fear tell you that nobody cares or could understand!  That is a lie.  Sometimes we need help from outside...  because we aren't strong enough inside... 

Onr thing for sure.... if there had of been a little yellow pill around on that terrible night, I might have taken it.  But then, I would have missed the chance to find myself.

It looks like sleep is going to be an issue for me for awhile....

Hang in there and much love...

 

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