Random Thoughts from a Sleepless Mind

Well, well, well... What a f**king time it has been. It has officially been 1 year since I have attempted to get off benzos. What a miserable F**KED journey it has been and its STILL not over. For the love of god, I have felt like I have been losing my mind. I have never felt so strange in my entire life. What a bunch of crapola man.

I feel terrible. I have put the one person I love more than anything in the world through a lot. She has been grouchy, grumpy and non-sympathetic at times but I totally understand. I haven't been the funnest person to be around thats for sure.

My mind has been all over the place. I feel scatter brained, very anxious, worried and sleep deprived to the point were I'm almost delusional. The lack of sleep is the worst! I struggle to get only a few restless hours a night. I obsessively worry that I will loose my mind and go into a terrifying psychosis start hallucinating or hearing voices. I feel very odd and surreal in general, very dysforic and mind looped out. Completely can't think straight and feel that I have lost my self. I realize deep down inside that all this anxiety only adds and reinforces my fears.

One big thing that really screwed me up was going to the shrink. Ever since that day were they put me on more pych meds I have not been able to sleep. Even before I took the meds. Just the idea of having a mental illness freaks me the hell out. While I don't doubt that I have really bad anxiety and panic attack stuff. I never thought I was bipolar or anything. Those medications are awful as well. They make me feel so fucked up and numb to the point were it gives me severe inner anxiety. To say the least, the meds didn't work. I actually stopped sleeping when put on lexapro. It was insinuated by people that I was having a manic episode. But I'll tell you, I was not in a good mood at all. I felt sick and like my brain was going nuts. I was a fucking mess. Had to take awful, awful, awful anti-pycotics for sleep at times. That stuff made me feel psychotic. It all made me start to go a little nuts by making me question everything I've been through and stop to obsessively question and analyze all my thoughts and emotions.

My mind has been in a fragile state since I went off xanax. Anything and everything that can cause stress will. For people to disregard the reality of my detox is ridiculous. That shit was real! And me trying to reinstate a couple times on pheno and taking clopin and ativat once followed by that burning sensation the next morning is also very real. That is withdrawl George. Don't fool yourself. Your mind is doing some crazy stuff trying to heal it self right now. And yes you do feel truly nuts but thats your mind readjusting and being hyperactive and being extremely sleep deprived. This will all pass so hang in there.

You need to do things that will help find yourself, like photography drawing or something to that nature. Its all worth it! Your body, mind and spirit is worth it. Brittney is worth it, your dreams are worth it, your friends, future, all the things you've never seen yet and your future children. All worth it! Like my good friend Thomas told me, imagine how you will grow from this. After my mind settles down and I'm feeling better I will be so excited to do everything.

Its super hard to think about anything else besides this crap right. Hell its your painful reality every second of the day right now, you can't ditch it so accept it and accept its not the real you and it will pass. But you still have your soul which is the base of everything you are no matter how imbalanced and nuts you feel right now. Its what makes you the person that strives to be kind, creative and a great willing for adventure. You will always be you down inside now matter how crazy things are in your mind and body. Remember that!

Great post George.  It's good to come here and write your thoughts and share your feelings.  I can feel your pain and understand it completely.  All that you are going through is very real, never doubt that for a second, and we do have to go through it to reach the other side. 

I've been off a little over a year from a large ct, and while I'm not healed, I am much, much better.  No one can really know the darkness that invades our mind us unless they've experienced a ct, or detox, which IMO, is just as bad as a ct. 

George, I pray for your healing.  Prayer, and time, are the only things that can get us through this.

Take care of yourself, all your hopes and dreams will come true in time. 

TS

........ "But you still have your soul which is the base of everything you are no matter how imbalanced and nuts you feel right now. Its what makes you the person that strives to be kind, creative and a great willing for adventure. You will always be you down inside now matter how crazy things are in your mind and body. Remember that!"

George this is the quote that makes me cry, but in a good way. Thanks Doll, I needed to hear that today.