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Describe anxiety and fear


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I know this is a tough question, but I’m hoping it may help. Can anyone describe their fear and anxiety?
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I'm 24/7 in stress. I don't have anxiety per se at the moment. But I had it in the cortisone withdrawal. I had health anxiety and OCD ticks like going to my closet as it was the most quiet room and doing 30 online hearing tests in a row about hearing loss because of tinnitus. I also had all kinds of anxiety about surgery or very rare things explaining the tinnitus. But it was the cortisone and I realized only after 6 weeks which didn't take too long all things considering but was right when a series of very insane unfortunate events and family dynamics ended me up on this. I had anxiety about staying like that forever and it not going away. But now I'm more like not anxious. I know I have improved a bit but I also know for certain I cannot get back who I was and the wonderful life I had. I felt like fighting for that in cortisone withdrawal but with this I feel I cannot be that again. I have fear now though. Although in some things I haven't anymore. I've always been afraid of fire. And now I dare to light candles no problem cause I burn anyway. But I have fear lots of it. And in acute when I had my 40% cut I had lots of fear and paranoia and I was constantly going to flee abroad away from my parents. Like fear of them. I still have fear of my dad because every third day he'll get agressive and tell me to get out or get committed or heal faster or stop it cause there are no experts here and he doesn't want to listen to the American ones. I have a visible tremor 24/7 and he says he doesn't see it. But other people do. He just doesn't want to see it. He refers to a neurologist telling it's somatic as if it's not neurological while that is not at all what that neurologist had said. Anyway. I don't fear death anymore it would be a relief. I do get fearful about having to continue to live like this. About being dangerous. About still being stuck in this loop. I know it doesn't help but I also have no control over the looping thoughts. I would like to mourn who I was before and the amazing life I was building, and I could do that in cortisone withdrawal cause it wasn't that bad and my emotions weren't numbed but now I cannot even do that and that also gives me fear. I have anxiety about not being understood. But then my friends are at least respectful in that they cannot understand. My dad still thinks he knows best and I have more control than I do and that I just need to want it hard enough. Now now now he says things like you can live with trauma. While I could. The trauma I had before I could have lived with and carried yes. This kind of trauma that keeps on piling up and up and up. I respect everyone that can but I don't think I can and then I have fear about that. My cortisone withdrawal would have healed in a year time I think. This one, probably never really completely. And that also gives me anxiety.

 

I haven't experienced that much random fears yet. I had slight agoraphobia before from cortisone I now recognize. But I haven't now cause I don't go out anymore. I have been stuck in my house too sick for too long and for some reason I cannot enjoy outside because I cannot handle the temperature anymore.

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My anxiety is OCD related. I'm stuck in a thought loop and I'm terrified I will never get out of it, which means I will never go back to school, have a meaningful job, be with a partner, live alone, etc etc etc etc. The fear is all consuming. But I'm working with a mental health team specifically to target the OCD, which is similar to the fears you have mentioned in previous points. There is always hope and help, you just need to access it and utilize it.

 

I will add that while my mental anxiety is through the roof, I do not experience almost any physical anxiety since working with my somatic therapist. Breathwork and somatics are key in healing, IMO.

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Yes Gonzo, it is. I get sometimes 30 seconds free of it a few times a day when I'm obsessed about something else or really really focused on something. I also get insanely terrible violent and distressing sexual Intrusive thoughts (before anyone comes for me, this is incredibly normal for OCD and I'm trying to break the stigma by being open about it) that make being outside very painful because they are in relation to strangers and animals, but I still push myself to go out because those thoughts mean nothing about me  But I haven't lost hope. I know this isn't the end of my journey. And it isn't yours either. You aren't alone.
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And to add. This is something to keep in mind. Seeking a ton of reassurance online is a compulsive behaviour that's keeping you stuck in your fear. Of course asking once or twice is within a regular range but you have been assured again and again that other people experienced something similar and yet that answer is still not sticking. Which is totally understandable given the distress you're in, but it is keeping you stuck in the loop. I no longer seek reassurance online about my thoughts because I knew my brain was never going to be satisfied no matter how often I asked or researched. And that is why I again recommend a therapist, specifically one that deals with obsessive fears. They can help you break that cycle, but unfortunately reassurance seeking *specifically about your feared thoughts* is part of that. And that's not to say that you cannot ask questions or look for support, everyone here is here for you. I'm just suggesting that in the long run it might keep you stuck.
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And I say that as someone who also feels like they are incapable of escaping their thoughts, even for a second. It's pure torture on earth, I understand you probably best of all at this very moment when it comes to the looping, obsessive thoughts. So please don't take what I say as an attack or anything other than a piece of advice as someone who is just a step ahead of you because I'm seeking treatment and I was posting exactly what you were posting just a few months ago. ❤️ Sending you all the love in the world
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Fear is fear Gonzo2504, whether it’s fear of falling off the earth or fear there might be an earthquake, it can be logical or illogical but its still fear.  I’m sure you won’t find another person on this forum with your same fear but it doesn’t really matter because we all have fear in common. 

 

I really appreciated what B1rdie shared with you, it helped me understand a little more about OCD. You’ve been given some great suggestions from someone who is finding ways to live with not only withdrawal is also looking for non-medication tools to deal with life.

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Thank you Pamster. Just hoping to help share what I have learned. Although I do want to make it clear I am not dx'ing anyon with OCD!! Even if I suggest that sort of therapy. Just think that obsessive fears can be best tackled by an OCD therapist - other types of therapists may not understand.

 

Gonzo, I have fears that are incredibly stigmatized and horrifying and so I don't discuss them, with anyone but my therapist who ALSO does not have the same fear I have but she's worked with people who have had. Yet, she's still able to help me. I think even if you find someone with the same fear you won't necessarily be able to recover just how they recovered because everyone's brain is wired differently. These therapists have heard everything and fear can latch onto anything. As Pamster said, we all share fear in common. The way to address fear, regardless of its content, is the same.

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  • 2 weeks later...

when mines comes it is debilitating (i know i am not alone in this) the only thing that can help is being alone in a dark quiet room.

 

When it sets in i feel like every nerve in my body has ramped up its sensory awareness by 10 fold, I cant bear to look at my phone as its too bright, noise is amplified etc.

 

The main thing though is not being able to control my thoughts due to the noise in my head, An analogy would be my brain is a computer processor and it is being flooded with requests to process information by my anxiety so much so that i cant process my own day to day thoughts.

 

I guess another analogy would be it feels like i have 2 large speakers attached to my head and due to the 'noise' i just cant think.  Obviously there is no physical noise but its just my brain is too busy dealing with the overbearing anxiety i cant get a chance to process anything, when its like this and i isolate myself my wife will pop in now and again to ask if i need anything and all i have in response is a grunt.

 

 

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