I need help

This is my second post within the past 40 minutes and things this morning have gotten so much worse. Just sitting here watching a movie, the scenes would flash scene to scene making my brain feel extremely bothered, I feel very bothered and uncomfortable, my eyes feel weird and my vision won't stop going weird... My brain feels like it's splitting from reality like a actual sensation and there's nothing I can do but sit here and feel my brain, eyes and reality break apart. This isn't a DP/DR thing I've had that prior, I'm so hyper sensitive or becoming hyper sensitive to everything now. All I'm seeing is are the basics of symptoms which no disrespect to anyone's journey, however I've yet to find anyone who's experienced these, actually I take that back I can find a sliver of hope when I find experiences from 2014-17, these people often have no successful stories, they just disappear some time around 2018 or they're still suffering within 2022.

 

I tried so hard to ignore this account but now as I enter month 18 (Protracted now), with symptoms that keep getting worse and worse, symptoms evolve and get more stressful and unbearable, my reality keeps shattering and I become more and more isolated with no one  who understands close to me. My body keeps falling apart and I become more and more sensitive to everything, food especially I can't even have water without feeling a shock to my body and symptoms creep up.

 

The doubts of something worse beyond benzo damage is getting more intense. I don't understand how you survive something as bad and I don't understand how symptoms this extreme just stop. I'm losing what little mind I have left and nothing stops that.

I forgot to mention, I now have to lay in a bed where I associate all the worst of my symptoms with as symptoms seem to be at their worst when laying down

 

I can't look at my phone it's over whelming and sends this strange and very disturbing sensation back to my brain again like my reality is splitting apart. My body is so sensative, I sleep with a fan and the air touching my skin again goes right to the brain. Closing my eyes is also a issue as the eyelids send those same sensations back to the brain... This is very over whelming, every little thing that I do makes me feel worse and I mean everything. I've ran out of things I can do escape this torture. I head to lay with noise cancelling headphones and I keep rubbing my eyes because I can feel my eyes... Anxiety is going crazy. What the hell did is going on? How are things this bad.

What do you do for distraction, what kind of tools do you employ when you feel like this?  Do you meditate or do breathing exercises?  Do you have coloring books or puzzles to help keep your mind occupied?  Everyone has different tools they use to get them through the rough moments, what are yours?

Pam before I answer, thank you... I know I post way too much and get on everyone's nerve, "Here he goes again", thank you so much I can always count on your support. Thank you a thousand times over. You're truly a blessing.

 

My distractions are running low... I've now developed negative associations with every distraction I have because when I'm in a bad wave, I use them. I am part owner with my brother of a auto mechanic garage so when I'm in a bad place I'll typically go there and work on whichever vehicles is around, the car garage is basically the only thing I have left. I was working in the car garage part time before the benzo withdrawal took me by storm... My main job was as a tattoo artist which I quit and gave up my station because if I stayed and continued to tattoo, I'd put my clients in danger or destroy they're work which would destroy our relationships and friendsships.

 

My brain was very messed up today and my vison too, the worst episode or wave yet so I couldn't drive to the garage, I just stayed in and played videos which helped... By the feeling that the brain sensations and visual issues could come back at any minute, in a way my brain feels raw like its recovering from the wave. I think I'm going to go and have a C/T or MRI... Possibly a FMRI if I can get one tonight just too be safe never sorry. I'm pretty sure this is benzo related but I want to be sure.

 

Again and truly, you rock way too hard and are a precious gift for sticking around, helping others... You've healed yet you're living through your trauma to aid others, that's huge. You're a gift to the community truly and I'm more then sure that as bad as a concept as this may be or topic... Many wouldn't be here without you and your willing to ask what's wrong followed by information and finally advice if any can be given. Thank you so much, I'll be sure to add you're user name in my success story as someone who truly got me through. Thanks again for just caring

You're very kind Greyzone1961 but being here, helping others is good for me, witnessing and remembering keeps me humble and grateful because my story is different than many here.  I asked for the drug and not only became dependent but addicted because of my past use of alcohol so even though I fell victim to the ravages of the drug, I sought it out knowing full well I was playing with fire.

 

You aren't getting on anyone's nerves, this is what we do here, we listen, and we do our best to emphasize and reassure and if it has to be repeated every day or many times a day, its okay. 

 

Thank you for sharing what has happened and how you're coping, I'm so sorry you had to give up your occupation and your creative outlet, I'm sure you feel like you've lost a part of you but you haven't lost it, please don't lose hope. 

 

I'm glad you're still able to get to the garage but you gave me some good insight into how those distractions we employ can turn on us too, it makes perfect sense.  Not only do you have to constantly look for ways to distract but you can't count on what's helped in the past to work in the future. 

 

I'm glad you're going to seek medical validation for what you're feeling, peace of mind is important because we know what worry does to us.

I feel you on the negative association to past distractions. I did the same thing. I eventually forced myself back into those activities and pushed through the anxiety and fear of dying if I did them. Yes, I was scared my heart would stop if I walked my dog around the block. I was scared I would faint and die alone at home if I stretched too much. I feared almost everything at one point. Even being in the shower ;_; What I did was force myself to do these things, but only for a really short period of time. Like a few minutes. Once my heart rate got high enough from fear, I backed off. After doing it over and over, finally I had a moment where I forgot to pay attention to the minutes and didn’t notice my heart rate. That was the point where I began to smile. I was proud of myself for doing things lol

 

Question for you though: did you CT off of your meds?

 

I did that and had to go back on meds to stabilize and taper correctly. My psychiatrist saved my life for sure.

 

You can do it. We know you can :3