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Hey everyone, currently half way through my Ativan taper. Currently at 0.8mg. really having difficulties now with an ex-crushs (who I was previously infatuated with before the benzos) name stuck in my head? I have no interest in him but his name and face continue to pop up, making me feel crazy. I do not have any communication left with this person. Just the looping thoughts. Desperately trying to distract myself but almost impossible. Scared it's not withdrawal, and that I have a bigger issue to deal with. Can anyone offer any words of advice or if anyone has recovered from this? Thank you in advance :)
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Intrusive thoughts are very common and its unfortunate that yours are about an ex but if it wasn't him, it would be something else just as bizarre and uncomfortable.  I used to beat myself up constantly over past mistakes and events, this process is so hard on our self esteem and confidence.
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Exactly what Pamster said.

 

I have a coach who works with the subconscious who will often remind me that the brain is merely "metabolizing" the stuff of our days. It's process isn't a linear or understandable one and to not get too caught up on things like this. This is also a thing that uninjured brains will do. Every brain does it at night in the form of dreaming - its the brains way of defragging the drive so to speak. It'll be nonsense. During certain nights of zero sleep from the benzos, I'll still go into what is called "local sleep" where I'm awake but part of the brain shuts down. When it does, It'll zoom nonstop through countless nonstop words and phrases. Additionally, I used to have intrusive thoughts long before benzos, specifically about destructive behavior like crashing my car when I was driving. I've never had a suicidal inkling. It's nonsense. You're not going crazy. Your brain is under stress and we all do funny things when we're under stress.

 

I recently came across a therapist on instagram who "recovered" from this (I think she still has them but much less and when she does have them she knows how to deal with them) and teaches others to do the same. I remember one helpful bit she offered which is that you respond to your intrusive thoughts much the same way you'd respond to a annoying relative or someone who talks too much: just smile and nod and politely wait for them to shut up, knowing that what they have to say doesn't really matter and all you have to do is wait for them to finish their nonsense. I'll link below.

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Thank you all for the information. Glad to know that it's a normal WD syndrome, definitely makes me feel less crazy. I think because I was previously borderline obsessed with this person I have strong neural pathways redirecting my thoughts to them, even if I'm "over them" and barely thought about them before my tapering with my brain being in the state that it is in is drawn to those pathways. But who knows, I'm just going to hope with time that it passes and definitely follow up on those videos and links suggested, thank you! Very excited for my life to begin again and hopeful (yet realistic) that it's sooner rather than later. Much love to you all!
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Sorry which feelings do you mean? If you're referring to the feelings I had towards the guy, that was pre-benzos for about a year. They went away when I started dating a new guy in Septmeber. Then I used benzos for a month in December and went into WD not knowing I had become dependent. been tapering since then. Broke up with new guy this past week because it wasn't working and also did my last cut last week too. So lots going on. No feelings toward the first guy, just the name repeating in my head. And earworms now too. Above all just hearing my voice in my head at all waking hours which is the worst. I try to distract myself 24/7 but anytime I get out of my head for 20-30seconds my brains like "remember that thing you don't want to think about: *guys name*  :'( feel like I have no control over my thoughts at the moment.
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Hi

Sorry I did not explain myself very well.

I mean is the guys name been there before your last cut and you just continued to taper?

Does that make better sense?

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Ah! Okay, sorry for misunderstanding! I'd say it happened since.my last cut, although he started to cross my mind a bit more in the last few weeks, although more in passing. But I was heavily preoccupied with the idea of breaking up  with my boyfriend which was all consuming. Seemed like one obsession jumped to the next :/
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Hi B1rdie,

 

Just thought I'd chime in with a very general statement that I hope encourages you - I've always struggled with a brain that WOULD. NOT. SHUT. UP. even long before the benzos. I'm not even fully healed and my brain has been the most quiet its ever been in my whole life. It's taken a lot of work on myself but its possible.

 

Just be patient with yourself and give yourself a lot of compassion during this intense process. Its hard enough as it is, don't add to it by being hard on yourself. It'll take some time, but you'll get there and you're totally fine.

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Intrusive thoughts are very common and its unfortunate that yours are about an ex but if it wasn't him, it would be something else just as bizarre and uncomfortable.  I used to beat myself up constantly over past mistakes and events, this process is so hard on our self esteem and confidence.

 

Hi Pamster,

Did the intrusive (and in my case VERY repetitive) thoughts stop at some point? Did it just go away like a symptom would?

I really suffer from constant repetitive intrusive thoughts that are terrible for my self esteem as they all relate to how horrible I look, how messed up I am, my life is never going to be the same etc. I know it is harming my healing and I try to ignore or distract but it has been going on throughout my taper and now I am nearly 2 months off and they still go strong.

Do you recall when or how this stopped being a problem for you?

Thanks,

xJenny

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Intrusive thoughts are very common and its unfortunate that yours are about an ex but if it wasn't him, it would be something else just as bizarre and uncomfortable.  I used to beat myself up constantly over past mistakes and events, this process is so hard on our self esteem and confidence.

 

Hi Pamster,

Did the intrusive (and in my case VERY repetitive) thoughts stop at some point? Did it just go away like a symptom would?

I really suffer from constant repetitive intrusive thoughts that are terrible for my self esteem as they all relate to how horrible I look, how messed up I am, my life is never going to be the same etc. I know it is harming my healing and I try to ignore or distract but it has been going on throughout my taper and now I am nearly 2 months off and they still go strong.

Do you recall when or how this stopped being a problem for you?

Thanks,

xJenny

 

Its really tough to remember timeframes because one, its been so long and two, because I didn't record my journey.  I didn't have the thoughts all of the time, for some reason I remember them being the worst when I was in the shower but my thoughts were a lot like yours.  They went away but I'm not sure when, you know how it is, we know when symptoms show up but when they go away its like, hey, I haven't felt that for awhile.  Or maybe we do notice when they leave but we're so afraid they'll show back up we don't dare acknowledge when they do.

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I am having the thoughts all the time. I cannot seem to control them.

Can anyone else help advise?

MB - I dont have instagram so cannot see the information

Jenny - they are making me really stressed out. Are yours subsiding? Did you taper through yours?

All help appreciated

Thank you

MP

Pamster - I have held a month with no change. What would I do now?

Bird1e - any further forward.

What's worse is that I cannot stop speaking about mine or move on from past and that i have mucked up my life by making the wrong choices at each turn.

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I also get stuck on these thoughts. Like I'm back in the GP office October 5, 2022 when everything went wrong because my sweet dad asked the rational question "in this therapy center where Coco would follow CBT they recommend rivotril for sleep, what is this exactly? Is it safe? “ with me saying I don't want anything habit forming or attacking my nervous system and that crazy lunatic just prescribed it to get us out of the practice. He's not on benzos and also still stuck on that day.

 

I had the same which I know now was from cortizone: constantly "the tinnitus sound will never go away" etc. Or doing 20 online hearing tests a day (I had good scores so my tinnitus wasn't taken as seriously). I think my hearing got worse because of benzos though so it's so sad that's how I ended up on this.

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I am having the thoughts all the time. I cannot seem to control them.

Can anyone else help advise?

MB - I dont have instagram so cannot see the information

Jenny - they are making me really stressed out. Are yours subsiding? Did you taper through yours?

All help appreciated

Thank you

MP

Pamster - I have held a month with no change. What would I do now?

Bird1e - any further forward.

What's worse is that I cannot stop speaking about mine or move on from past and that i have mucked up my life by making the wrong choices at each turn.

 

I don't know Miss piggy, your hormone issues have me stumped, I read what you're going through and I can't figure out the way forward, I'm so sorry.

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I am having the thoughts all the time. I cannot seem to control them.

Can anyone else help advise?

MB - I dont have instagram so cannot see the information

Jenny - they are making me really stressed out. Are yours subsiding? Did you taper through yours?

All help appreciated

Thank you

MP

Pamster - I have held a month with no change. What would I do now?

Bird1e - any further forward.

What's worse is that I cannot stop speaking about mine or move on from past and that i have mucked up my life by making the wrong choices at each turn.

 

I don't know Miss piggy, your hormone issues have me stumped, I read what you're going through and I can't figure out the way forward, I'm so sorry.

 

Thank you Pamster. I feel totally stuck. Will I have to push through? Or wait longer? I still have nearly 15mg to go.

 

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Waiting doesn't seem to be helping does it?  How much have you reduced in total and how long has it been?

 

It’s all rather complicated as originally on lorazapam and temezepam. Moved over to diazepam 20mg and kept the temezepam. Went to fast crashed Summer 2021 going from 12 to 10mg. Updosed to 12mg. Ad changed.

Felt good. Had to resign job of 20 years in. Treated badly.

Lots of low points in 2022 where I held and did not reduce in good bits. Moved all over to diazepam on your advice.

Now at 14.75mg V with symptoms worst being agrophobia and SI. I had a window/baseline ? 4 weeks ago.

We have trauma, hormones and benzos all at play here. It’s messy and also AD.

To think I was a high school teacher who burned out, had a reaction to the originally AD they tried to put me on then they countered that with the benzo. It’s such a mess. Positive pants have fallen off.

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Waiting doesn't seem to be helping does it?  How much have you reduced in total and how long has it been?

 

It’s all rather complicated as originally on lorazapam and temezepam. Moved over to diazepam 20mg and kept the temezepam. Went to fast crashed Summer 2021 going from 12 to 10mg. Updosed to 12mg. Ad changed.

Felt good. Had to resign job of 20 years in. Treated badly.

Lots of low points in 2022 where I held and did not reduce in good bits. Moved all over to diazepam on your advice.

Now at 14.75mg V with symptoms worst being agrophobia and SI. I had a window/baseline ? 4 weeks ago.

We have trauma, hormones and benzos all at play here. It’s messy and also AD.

To think I was a high school teacher who burned out, had a reaction to the originally AD they tried to put me on then they countered that with the benzo. It’s such a mess. Positive pants have fallen off.

 

Just horrible Miss piggy, you went from the frying pan into the fire.  I just realized we've hi-jacked B1irdie's thread, sorry B1rdie.

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I like your phrase "positive pants have fallen off". Thank you for that. Mine have too. Unrecognized cortizone withdrawal and put on a benzo for no reason except asking some safe sleeping advice.

 

I am in a thick fog and barely visualize or remember anything but then I get these memories from the pqst I haven't thought about in ages.

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Waiting doesn't seem to be helping does it?  How much have you reduced in total and how long has it been?

 

It’s all rather complicated as originally on lorazapam and temezepam. Moved over to diazepam 20mg and kept the temezepam. Went to fast crashed Summer 2021 going from 12 to 10mg. Updosed to 12mg. Ad changed.

Felt good. Had to resign job of 20 years in. Treated badly.

Lots of low points in 2022 where I held and did not reduce in good bits. Moved all over to diazepam on your advice.

Now at 14.75mg V with symptoms worst being agrophobia and SI. I had a window/baseline ? 4 weeks ago.

We have trauma, hormones and benzos all at play here. It’s messy and also AD.

To think I was a high school teacher who burned out, had a reaction to the originally AD they tried to put me on then they countered that with the benzo. It’s such a mess. Positive pants have fallen off.

 

Just horrible Miss piggy, you went from the frying pan into the fire.  I just realized we've hi-jacked B1irdie's thread, sorry B1rdie.

 

Sorry b1rdie - Pamster where can we chat about this then? Thank you. I have put a question up on the board. What do you mean by trying pan into the fire. By changing all tp valium?

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I think she meant from an AD ending up on a benzo. Just like my case from cortizone withdrawal on a benzo. And many others.
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