Hey guys Ive come back to bb to spread some cheer for all you guys and gals who are [...] scared as hell and think that your life is well and truly over. Im here to tell you its only just beginning.
Heres the scoop I was polydrugged to near death and had adverse drug reactions when some kind doctor hehehe decided in his wisdom to give a five foot three woman weighing just 115 pounds 4mg of Xanax just in case I got a bad reaction to some OCD pills id already reacted to well Im sure 4mg of Xanax is meant for an elephant not a human but oh well the doctors know best so I did what he said and from that day forward I went to a place that made hell look like a party. After seven months I cold turkeyed straight up the morning dose of 2mg no one told me not to do this ever and I was already couch bound unable to read or write only be terrified and cry so it kind of hurt that one but nothing like two weeks later when I stopped the 2nd 2mg I had a seizure on the couch and ended up in hospital for a horrifying 7 weeks during this time I was reinstated to three mg of Xanax but nothing was working so they stopped it again. I told my dr about the ashton manual and he decided it was a great idea to switch me to valium but he clearly didn't read the rest of the manual where it said slow taper. He took me off that 45mg of valium in 18 days WOW is right. I left hospital after getting down to zero he reinstated me at 2.5mg of valium and two weeks later I went down to 2mg and was screaming in corners I promptly went back to hospital and got off the remainder in ten days. There were no water titrations or measuring devices my cuts come from nurses fingernails snapping pills. The hell I endured I cannot begin to tell you and don't want to make it the dominating feature of my story Im already boring my own self with it. Im here to tell you the crying the dp the dr the burning skin the insomnia the constant pacing the horror and fear the paranoia and everything else all ENDS. Heres what kept me alive and trust me those suicidal thoughts are the most brutal thing right you seriously only can think about dying because there are worse things than death this bs being one of them. However what you don't know right now that paradise awaits you. A life where you can live how you want again but this time only better. You are more appreciative you know who and what you are you know how strong you are and what is important to you. here is a little list for you to focus on.
1. You will not die
2. Your benzo brain is a liar
3. You are not permanently brain damaged
4. You are [...] you
5. Feelings will come back you will feel love again
6. You can drink coffee again and eat what you want
7. You are safe on benzo buddies
8. Tell yourself its the benzos not you the drugs did this to your brain
9. Your brain does heal itself
10. Read the success stories again and again here and anywhere else you can find them
11. Get yourself a benzo support network sort out the people you click with and get rid of those who don't
12. Don't keep trying to explain yourself to your family they don't know what they don't know the same way you don't know what it feels like to have a disease that someone else is trying to explain to you what its like.
13. Be patient this crap doesn't disappear overnight it goes on and on and on
14. Yes you are in hell and you will come out of it
15. I found great help in helping others anything to distract yourself I don't regret a thing even the inhouse fighting on bb kept me alive.
16. Choose your friends wisely I mean there are sick people on here but there are sick people if ya know what I mean.
17. Recovery is not linear that's the truth one step forward two steps back
18. A window is something you open to let fresh air In don't expect just because you are not getting windows you are not healing
19. You will stop pacing the floors
20. YOU WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN
Ok Im sure there is more but before I go I will tell you how I am now.
Im sooooo happy I cannot begin to tell you my life is more fulfilled now than ever before. I have gone back to work and am now in school fulltime I just got 32 out of 40 on my science exam yesterday so WOOHOO no brain damage here. I laugh lots and drink loads of coffee eat candy aka lollies and sleep AMAZING sleep oh how I love just having dreams again without a skull looking at me or some other freaky image. Cant remember the last time I cried and if I do its a brief boo hoo not hours of wailing. I have found the most amazing boyfriend who I love so much he heard the story and we have not made it part of our lives its become just that another story of my life. Cant believe I found love again and its all thanks to this hell. If this didn't happen to me Id be stuck in a job I hated a sucky marriage and I was miserable as all hell. Now Im HAPPY do you get it YOU are going to be OK. Life is waiting for you its beautiful I promise you I don't tell lies. I remember reading these stories and going yeah as if im dying from this shit and you may have recovered but I am doomed NO YOU ARE NOT. Every second you get through is a step closer to healing. oh get out and walk I walked the streets crying but I came out of it fit as. Hey your hair and skin will be beautiful again. You may look hotter than what you did before for real stranger things have happened. I travel again before all this I lived my life In fear maybe you did to now Im like whatever plane you crash what can I do about it Ive survived this hell Ill survive anything well maybe not a plane crash but you get the picture.
Before I go no one around here is an expert on your withdrawal they will try and tell you they are and you may think they are because you are temporarily vulnerable and feel like you have lost your mind but trust me you haven't and you know what works best for you. I hope someone gets something out of this Im not sure Ill be back. Please don't think im a bad person for not sticking around because I just cant. I have stuff to do people to meet places to go. I lost two years of my life to this crap and I need to make up for some lost time.
Lastly and before I seriously do go I need to say thank you to all of you the people who stayed by my side for my five thousand posts and supported me even through all the fighting we had a remarkable bond. To name you all would be unfair because none of you were more important than the other. My love for you all will be ongoing and that only you guys know how it is to truly suffer something so horrifically painful. I respect each and every one of you and I will never forget you. Once again I say thank you. To Colin and the team OMG I know I was such a pain In the ar$e at times and I hung around with all the naughty people but really I had the best time in hell a girl could ask for given the circumstances. I cant believe the stuff we used to argue about but distract distract right so even if we had a little bit of drama on bb it got us through another day. Thanks so much for the constant monitoring of the forum you all do a wonderful job I so admire you for sticking with it its a grueling process. Colin thanks for providing everyone with a safe place to come to and educate us on what the hell was happening and is happening to so many people. OK please take care hang in there and remember life is amazing on the other side.
Lizzy xoxo
