Jenilyn's Journey

Thought I'd post my story here as well...ya'll need all the hope you can get!

 

Several years ago I had a situation happen that caused me to believe that my oldest daughter may have been molested (She wasn't though).  She was only about 4 years old.  I was understandably upset and very anxious.  I went to my doctor and asked for something for the anxiety.  He prescribed Buspar.  I had a horrible reaction to that medication and ended up in the emergency room.  They said I was having a panic attack and started me on Xanax and Prozac.  I was stoned out of my mind for about a week and realized that when I walked out of Kmart's dressing room in my bra...LOL  I stopped cold turkey.  Even only being on that drug for a week caused me to have horrible withdrawal.  Fortunately it only lasted a couple of days.  I wish to God I would have stopped there.  I allowed them to make me believe I had panic disorder.  I didn't...don't...and never will have panic disorder.  I continued to take the Xanax but usually only at night and sometimes during the day if a stressful situation came up.  That's when I started having panic attacks.  They were caused from the boomerang withdrawals caused by Xanax.  It is such a short acting medication...the panic attacks were caused by withdrawal.

 

Anyway...fast forward 5 years.  I got very hurt on my four wheeler and had to have knee surgery.  After the surgery they put me on Percocet and Vicodin for the pain.  I stopped the Xanax completely being afraid of ODing myself.  The combination of these drugs caused me to have severe insomnia...so I quit the pain pills and reinstated on the Xanax.  Now the Xanax did the opposite it was doing before.  Instead of relaxing me...it amped me up.  For three months I probably didn't sleep more than 3 hours a night.  I kept going to the doctor telling them I thought I needed off the Xanax and they just kept making my prescription stronger.  I was a basket case in tolerance and that last week before the hospital I didn't sleep at all.  Went back to the hospital and they said they couldn't admit me for insomnia.  It was so much more than that.  I had dropped 17 lbs, couldn't sleep at all, couldn't eat, my mind raced so fast I couldn't watch TV or read or hold a conversation.  It was the closest I ever want to come to hell.  There was no escape...not even in sleep.  I was desperate and started having thoughts of suicide.  After all, nobody was listening to me and I wasn't getting any better.  That's when I decided to check myself into the mental hospital.  Big mistake although in hindsight it may have saved my life.  At this point I absolutely refused to take any Xanax and was going through pure hell of withdrawal.  They reinstated me on Klonopin.  From January to March I tapered myself off.  Once I was off all their drugs...I started feeling better.  It wasn't over night and it took a lot of work on my part.  I was severely agoraphobic at this point and couldn't even stand the thought of going to the store.  I started forcing myself to do little errands and do little things I used to do.  Eventually, I got better.  By that August I was back working full time.

 

I never had another panic attack until I started this new job and the training was very intense.  Like an idiot, I decided taking Klonopin a couple of times wouldn't hurt anything.  I suffered two panic attacks because of that.  Small ones mind you...but I haven't taken another benzo and haven't had another panic attack. 

 

I am doing very very well now.  My experience is a distant nightmare I wouldn't wish on anyone. 

Anyway, that's my story.  I hope in some small way I can give hope to someone suffering like I was.  I promise you...you will get better.  Take one day at a time...one step at a time...one breath at a time.  This will all be a memory soon and you too will be coming back to help others I hope.

 

That's my story in a nutshell - those of you who have been around awhile probably already read it in the "You Can Do This" thread of the welcome forum.  Thought I'd post it again for the new guys.  I hope it helps someone going though this hellish nightmare. 

 

Lots of Love,

 

Jen

Jen, thanks for your story.  And congratulations on a complete recovery, you are what I called "completely healed."  Feeling good, living life and working full time is complete.  You are an example for us!! 

Jen, you really did you through the mill.  So happy for you that you have reached full recovery.  It's so wonderful for those still in recovery to here that they will make it through to the other side.

 

Thank you for posting

Vicky 

When someone posts that "no one suffers as much as me" or "I'm afraid I have permanent damage", this is where I'll send them.  We're so lucky to have you and so glad to be reminded of how it will be down the road. 

Thanks for sharing your story jenilyn! These are the types of stories that keep me going on and inspired. Congrats on being benzo free and healed!

 

Amanda 

Thank you for sharing your story.

Missy