My stomach felt like it was being squeezed in a vice. I went on the internet to diagnose what was wrong with me. "I have either pancreatic cancer or stomach cancer," I thought to myself, as my anxiety began to build, and build to a level that was very disturbing. "You dummy, you know better than to look up diseases on the internet," I yelled at myself.
Being a typical guy, not wanting to go to a Doctor, I lived with the stomach pain, and my not sleeping for six days, until I eventually realized that I would not get better without some medical intervention.
The next morning I went to the Doctor , and was diagnosed with H. pylori, and given a prescription for the triple cocktail of drugs that would eliminate the bacteria that had invaded my stomach lining.
"Doctor I have had insomnia for a couple of years, and because of the painful stomach, I have not slept in six days. Can you give me a prescription for a sleep medication," I asked her, as she was about to exit the examining room. She gave me a prescription for Ativan, and Ambien, and told me to 'take as needed.'
That night before going to bed I took a 1 mg Ativan pill. WOW! Before I knew what hit me, it was morning. I had not slept like that since I couldn't remember when. "That Ativan is some good stuff," I exclaimed to myself.
During the next two years, I continued to take the Ativan, and the Ambien, intemittently, having no clue that I was having, what I refer to now, as mini-withdrawals. There were many days when I just did not feel good, and had lots of weird things going on with my body.
Every time I went to see the Doctor, prior to going cold-turkey, all my test results came back negative. She, unfortunately, did not make a connection between the benzos that I was given to treat insomnia, and all the weird things that were happening to me. I never made the connection either. My only prior experienceI with drugs was when I had taken Vicoden a few times for a pinched nerve in my back.
One morning I had just gotten out of bed, and I began to shake violently, my body felt like it was encased in ice. I went to the E. R., where I was told that I had a U TI, and was given a prescription for Levaquin.
After reading about the terrible side-effects associated with Levaquin, I contacted the E. R., and told them I would not take it. "I would give it to my grandmother, it is a safe drug," came a reassuring voice over the phone. Realizing that I would not bend, I was given a prescription for Keflex.
I took the Keflex for two days, when the E.R. called and said the culture they had done was negative. I did not have an infection.
About a week later, after just having gone to bed, a wave of heat enveloped me from head to toe, my skin was flushed, and red like a lobster. This caused a mild panic in me, and lasted about an hour. The next morning I went to see the Doctor for the umpteenth time.
I explained to her about the previous nights disturbing episode. "You just had too many covers on," she said to me. "That is why you were feeling so hot." Sensing that I was getting irritated with her, she suggested that I should take Zoloft to ease my anxiety.
I went home with a prescription for Zoloft, and a refill for the Ativan, and the Ambien. I was so mad over the ignorance of the Doctor that I shredded the prescriptions, and thus, began my cold-turkey.
That night the heat-wave thing hit again. I spent the night in the recliner, wide awake, my mind racing faster than an Indy 500 car. So it was for the next thirty nights. No sleep, and a racing mind, my body going from hot to cold, to cold, and hot.
Eventually, I was cognizant enough to research benzo withdrawals on the Internet. While scrolling down a page, the word BenzoBuddies, 'grabbed a hold of me', and on that cold December night, with my ever faithful dog lying at my feet, and a blanket wrapped around me to chase away the cold chills, I was led on a tour of the BenzoBuddies forums, where I quickly realized that, I indeed, was experiencing Benzodiazepine withdrawals.
No words can express the relief and sheer joy I felt in knowing , I was not alone in my quest in searching for answers that would validate the reasons for all the weirdness my body was dealing with. I did write my Doctor a letter, explaining what I was going through. She apologized to me, I accepted that apology, and moved on, never seeing her again.
I had around thirty different symptoms, everyhing from electrical shocks, to burning mouth, to twitching eyelids, to insanly burning, and itching skin. I won't elaborate on the numerous other symptoms, since all of you now have, or have had them at one time.
After a year of dealing with all this crap, I began to wonder if I would ever fully heal. But, after fifteen long months, I have completely healed, and am happier, and more content than I have ever been before.
All you wonderful, kind, and decent folks, will all completely heal one day, and like I now do, you will enjoy life with a new found appreciation for all the mysterious, and wondrous things life has to offer.
Your sunrise will be so much brighter, the sunset so much more spectacular, the sound of a laughing little child, so much sweeter. The little things that used to upset you won't anymore.
I have read hundreds of old postings from the past three and four years, and have often wondered what has become of the kind, understanding people who cried together, laughed together, and shared their deepest thoughts together. To read the back and forth banter between one member and another, is fascinating and inspiring. I have to marvel at the fact, that complete strangers, in the blink of an eye, became kindred spirits. What a befitting testimony to our capacity as humans, to love and appreciate one another.
We can become so enamored with certain members that when they leave, we are left with an emptiness and sadness that cannot be easily explained.
While reading those postings from many years ago, I felt like I was treading on sacred territory, and could almost 'feel' the presence of the authors, who wrote all those heartfelt words to each other.
It was at that moment when I realized that they had all healed, and were back to living their varied lives again in the way that life was meant to be lived. All of you will be doing the same one day, because this nightmare does end, and you will be happy, and productive again.
It would be awfully hard, maybe even impossible, to find a kinder, or nicer group of people than you do at BenzoBuddies, where People REALLY do want to help one another in the most thoughtful, and caring way, with a sincerity, and decency that is so very real.
When someone cries out for help. There is no hesitation in wanting to help that person. People respond with heartfelt emotions, and a genuine concern for an individual they have never met, and often become close friends with that person. Friends unlike no one else in their lives, because they understand how that person is suffering day in, and day out, in a way that no one else can ever understand.
I want to leave you with one of my favorite quotes by Ashley Smith:
"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”
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