Sudden anxiety and panic 4 1/2 weeks off caused by trigger

Hi buddies,  hope someone has some nice words and tipps to cheer me up! I have done quite well for that I am still in acute withdrawal only 4 1/2 weeks off... I had mainly physical symptoms that were rather easy to manage and only mild very short lived anxiety...

But now that has changed a bit... I am now suffering from more severe panic attacks a couple of times a day and a very very nasty feeling of anxiousness and fear in fear and withdrawal itself... I have a lot of physical anxiety symptoms and derealisation acompanied by fatigue...

I think I know where my anxiety comes from, I guess.... I know I'm still so early in acute and this is to expect and symptoms morph...  but I do think it is stress related! It all started off when my canary Lotta got severely sick and needed to be treated with antibiotics and hormone! But happily she has recovered! That makes me so glad! BUT(!) She had/has a nest with eggs and already breeded and yes *that's what I dreamed of for a very long time* Life is growing in her eggs! She already laid 3 eggs successfully and got problems with the 4th and that's how she got sick and needed to go to veterinarian and removed from her nest. Her partner, my oldest female canary (8 years!) now breeds/incubates the eggs and she is doing that really well! Lotta is a bisexual bird who has 2 partners, a male and a female, she mates with both and had a nest with the female. Crazy story, I know! The baby birds will hatch this weekend!

Now the problem is - and that's what drives me so incredibly crazy and insane!- I don't know  whether Lotta, who needs to be in cage for treatment until Wednesday, will still help her partner to raise her kids when treated with hormone medication and beeing away from the nest for a week now... and I don't know whether her lesbian  partner who is already  8 years old will be  able to  raise the baby birds alone! You shouldn't let one canary feed alone!!! The other female canary doesn't accept the father  and chases him from the nest!

I think I will either need to help the breeding canary to raise the baby canaries by hand or have to hand raise them completely on my own! Normally I would like to do that and I definately do (!) If no other choice but... I'm extremely scared in a stress related flare up in my withdrawal symptoms and that's what already happens just by the thoughts! I am scared to be non functional and tremble severely when trying to hand feed the baby birds so that it makes it almost impossible! And I am really scared for the stress that amplifies w/d symptoms...but I really want to and will do that if necessary! I love my birds so incredibly much, I cannot put that in words even how much I love 'em! Usually I am very very good and extremely skilled in handling small delicate birds but the acute withdrawal and the anxiety and panic is the problem! But I am really really driving myself crazy! That's mainly how I get myself into symptoms!

I would like to get some incouragement from you, buddies,  how to deal with this! Please don't tell me off! I know I am so good at this Usually...but it's acute withdrawal! So I'm really scared! Maybe I should trust the bird parents more... maybe they do feed both ...but since Lotta gets hormone to survive I cannot know... So I need to be prepared!

I now take up to 4x 5-10mg Propanolol for anxiety.... it does help a bit!

I can see why you’re worried, this is life and death we’re talking about, not to mention the unknown you’re facing with having to treat Lotta with hormones that could trigger unwanted behavior.

But what I’m seeing in you is knowledge, love, determination and skill, not someone unable to care for your loved ones.  I see in you the will and strength to do what it takes to insure these babies survive and thrive.  I see a mother/father in you who will protect these babies at all costs.

I know you’re suffering but I have every confidence that you’ll be able to care for those babies and their extended, blended and unique family unit. 

Thank you so much Pamster for your super nice and supportive words! That feels so good and it's good to hear! YES I will do this! I will be able to, even if I throw up from fear or cry from a panic attack... but it won't prevent me from caring for those baby birds!

I'm now laying on a little sofa in my Bird (freeflight)room and deal with the aftermath of another panic attack! But it's OK! I know even though I had 2 panic attacks today that both lasted about an hour or longer.. I will be be able to hand feed birds! I know now!

I talked to 2 specialised avian veterinarians and I had all my questions about hand raising answered... I think nothing can go wrong really!

Only the old female partner (Wolke Abendrot =which is german and means "dusky cloud" due to her color) got sick as well or is too stressed out from breeding alone the last days! (Test results will be on Friday)It was to much for her! She breeded too long and too often! My canaries and java rice birds suffered a bit from their time alone without me while I was in Detox (6 weeks in Germany).. my family cared for them as good as they could... but it was too much of a challenge for them with such a big bird room and 8 birds!

The good thing is... I have an egg incubator and now I put the eggs in there (veterinarian told me to as well) and the eggs were already incubated very well by their parents... yesterday they were still "alive" (=the eggs) in the incubator... So I hope they will hatch healthily as if their parents were incubating them the very last days! Then, if hatched, I have another special incubator for baby birds to put them in for warmth! There is no other choice if both parents are sick! Both parents are in the aviary now and I will put the nest with the babys for a very short time in the aviary (with infrared light for warmth) to see wether the lesbian parents will feed them or introduce the father as well... but probably I will have to feed a lot by hand or most, because both parents need to be treated with medication or Lotta as well with hormone... they need to recover! They will!

Thank you again so much for you reply!

I’m so glad you’ve had a renewal of confidence, I found that even the smallest tasks I could accomplish gave me a sense of satisfaction that I sorely needed.  Our confidence takes a beating while we go through this so anytime we can feel positive emotions is a plus.

I’m fascinated with your hobby, I hope you’ll continue to share your stories of these amazing birds and I love that creatures in nature just like humans come in so many beautiful and diverse forms.  I believe having these birds in your life will provide the distraction you need to keep you from focusing on your symptoms, they help you while you help them. 

Hi buddies,

I just wanted to tell you that our canary baby birds finally hatched ...and I'm so happy about that! I cannot believe that we managed (my birds and me) to make these little creatures hatch out of their eggs! These babys actually have 4 parents now! A father, two mothers and me! I almost cannot believe that it really worked with the egg incubator the last days before they hatched (as I told, because the other female canary needed to be abandoned from the nest, too (due to "E Coli")...

Now I hand raise these little baby canaries who sit in a comfortable nest in an incubator... I absolutely had no problems and no more anxiety when I started to feed them with a little syringe by hand...  they both hatched in the middle of the night and opened their little beaks to beg for food at dawn when I came in and turned a light on. I was way too focused and distracted and full of adrenaline when I did it the first times -and I still am- so there was no chance for anxiety and panic to show up! I tried to learn everything I could about hand rearing before I would actually have to do it for the first time... so I got less and less anxious! I do have a stess wave now with especially fatigue... but everytime I get the baby canaries out of the incubator and see them and feed I forget my symptoms until I don't feel them at all for the few minutes I feed... and as soon as I put them back into the incubator... the symptoms usually come back... but though I am really satisfied! At the moment I have to feed the babies from dawn to dusk every 20 to 30min (=so extremely often the first 2 days and then maybe every hour or so for 3 to rather 4 weeks) These birds just make me happy! I often have 5 bad days with a lot of waves and 5 good days with many windows at the moment!

I would like to post a picture of the baby canaries... but I don't know how?!

I will tell how it goes on!

Oh my goodness, you’re amazing, and I’m so glad to hear these babies take your mind off your symptoms.  That reminds me of the time when I was recovering that I stopped my car in the middle of traffic to rescue a small dog.  I didn’t notice any symptoms while I was reaching under that car! 

I’m so glad you have them for distraction and amazed you were able to learn and absorb all of the information you needed to learn with the nasty cog fog we deal with.

Can’t wait to hear your next installment.

Thank you Pamster!

Wow you saved a dogs life in the middle of withdrawal after a harsh CT of super high dose and long term Klonopin?!?! Oh my gosh!!!!! That is really amazing!!!! You are a very cool and warm hearted person! This is really really admirable!

Yes that stupid cog fog! It's bad... but gladly not always there and -as in our cases- you see that a special moment or sudden coincidence that causes some rush of adrenaline can make our minds think clearly again (even if only for short moments) even if we have the worst cog fog! That gives us hope! And we function-better than we ever dare to hope in the whole benzo withdrawal Situation! .. Today I had the feeling the only thing I can do is feed! And that's all... but well that's what I absolutely need to do the most for the moment! Nothing else matters right now! So I'm really happy! -Because my greatest fear ever possible right now was that withdrawal symptoms would prevent me from caring for those baby birds or the parents who needed help!

You’re making me cry Canary, I love your can do attitude and positivity and you’re right, that flash of adrenaline comes through for us and we can do what we need to do. 

I’m sure you’re exhausted by the feeding schedule but a noble cause makes it much easier to deal with and anything that takes our mind off of our misery is a good thing. 

Thank you so much again Pamster for what you say! you really deserve that people tell you that you did something you can be very very proud of for the rest of your life, which is saving a dogs life in the middle of a harsh cold Turkey withdrawal! Not everyone could do that even outside of a CT Benzo withdrawal!

Yep, a good rush of Adrenaline can really be our best friend we can count on in times of benzo withdrawal or when we deal with anxiety or Panic.... actually we could be much less scared than we usually/typically are... because we can count on Adrenaline that makes us do stuff we thought and feared we just couldn't do... and often, just the thought that we cannot/will not be able to do this and that gets us into panic and severe anxiety...

I'm telling this with my baby birds because I want to show the world that even in benzo withdrawal when you feel horribly terrible, like totally sick etc. You may be able to do something really good you should appreciate even if it doesn't feel good first (because you're in benzo withdrawal and that is typical) but somewhen you will be very proud of it and ask yourself "how the hell did I do that in withdrawal?!

Today I really have a bad wave! I think I'm right in the peak of it! I often have a couple of mild wave days and then one or 2 bad ones with a peak! Even the window days have a peak day with a huge window... then usually after that day with the biggest window the waves come back.... first rather mild but then get more intense until they peak 3 to 4 days later... even throughout the day it's fluctuating!  The waves come and go or peak and lessen 3 to 5x a day!...

Today it's bad... The fatigue is so extremely bad that it makes me a bit anxious... but not as badly anxious or panicking as before the baby canaries hatched! Today I can hardly stay up, feel nauseous, weird body sensations and so on... it's terrible and nasty... BUT I am still able to hand feed my little baby birds (2.5 days old) every 20min from 5.30 am til 8 or 9pm! And that makes me really happy and somewhat proud! I say to myself: ok, if I puke then I puke... what's so bad about it?! And even if I puke or wipe out/faint I will feed my baby birds... I WILL FEED 'EM whatever happens!... that's (this way of thinking) how I became able to cope with my panic attacks throughout the first year of my first Benzo withdrawal after complete cessation (2015) I got less scared in the panic and fear once I thought this way! And so my symptoms lessened!

It sounds like this wave is pretty intense but even though its bad, I see you accepting it not fearing it, I’m sure that helps you get through it. 

I think this is good for your self esteem too, I remember I really needed to feel a sense of accomplishment because the intrusive thoughts were so negative, so I found things I could do that made me feel better about myself.

Yes Pamster you are absolutely right! In these benzo withdrawal times and also in post-acute we need to built up new self esteem and that isn't necessarily easy if you feel like crap a lot of times... but it will eventually come back... even stronger than ever before... that's what I remember very very well from 2015 (my mostly post-acute year) I hardly had any day without symptoms back then... and from time to time (days or weeks) I had acute like waves (lasting 5 to 7 days) but also many many many windows where I felt really great and was really able to appreciate it... and I learned a lot! That's why I remember 2015 as a very good and very important year for me I like to remember... though I had so many symptoms still (esp. Anxiety and my early Fibromyalgia)...

Once I was out of acute in Jan 2015 I felt so proud! I hope it will be like that this time, too... but I'm a 100% sure it will!

Today is even worse than yesterday... it's been 10 days since the last peak of a really bad wave like that (what I would consider as "mild" for that I am only 6 weeks off) you forget so quick in windows and the milder w/d days how bad and uncomfortable a real bad wave can feel! I was about to really panic and hyperventilate this morning because my fatigue was so unbelievably strong that I simply couldn't think clearly anymore... I was scared "what if I faint and get send to hospital and I have the baby canaries to hand raise?!" I was absolutely not able to think clearly... but I know this is the nature of benzo withdrawal and also panic attacks... So I tried to stay as calm as possible and not think much... just getting up from my sofa in the bird room if it's baby bird feeding time every 20 to 30 mins... and as bad as I feel today..  still forget the symptoms while feeding ... the baby canaries are so cute ... It's their 4th day and their little eyes start to open a tiny bit... Actually that is so cute and moving let me say heartbreaking I'd just like to cry right away! And then their begging (=open beaks) so incredibly sweet!!!!! I wished these baby birds could be raised by their parents simply because this is how nature wanted it but sadly, that's is not possible in this case since they were both sick... and until now they don't recognise them as their babys... but maybe they will help feed if the babies get older and catch more attention... I really love to feed them... sort of feel like a mother but if for no reason (like the health aspect of a bird parent) I would never ever take away the kids of a canary! Never!

I wished I wouldn't have such a bad day today... The weather is so sunny and beautiful and so much early summer and the birds are all so happy... but I am just waiting for this day to end since the early morning! But I know somewhen I'll be very proud of this!

You’re accomplishing something wonderful while suffering terribly, I’m in awe of your willingness to help these babies.  I googled baby canaries from day 1 to day 30 so I can see what you’ve been doing, my goodness, they stretch their little bodies and open their mouths blindly hoping for food and you’re there to nourish them.  Such a huge responsibility but it’s keeping you focused on something besides your pain.

I can see you previous experience with benzo withdrawal is helping you work through this one, I hope this is the last time though.

I swear it'll be my last! I never thought I'd get into this again! I just did what doctors were telling me to do and took what they prescribed! I was put on benzos for Lyrica withdrawal! They said it would be ok to take it even if I had a benzo withdrawal before! They said Lyrica withdrawal would take 3 to 4 weeks only, in fact it took half a year! I was on Lyrica for 7 weeks only and it didn't help at all with the worst side effects... it gave me the worst withdrawal ever -worse thsn Valium or Klonopin together!

The Babys are now 9 days old! And eat so good! Their eyes are now open! That's so moving! First feathers are beginning to grow! Today they begged at me with open beaks for thecfirst time when they saw me sitting in front of the incubator looking at them and talking to them! So sweet! I still forget all my symptoms while feeding! But this time I got really hit with a very bad and long lasting wave! I've been really sick the last days! This wave feels like punched back to the first 2 weeks of acute withdrawal...almost as bad! Anxiety is high today, too! Acompanied by all those nasty and super uncomfortable weird body sensations and being tense! I don't think it's the stress of hand raising anymore! I think it's the nature of withdrawal! This wave feels endless to me!

It's weird but typical... the first days the sound of the incubators sounded so soothing snd calming... but since last Thursday when the current bad wave reached it's peak they sound so distorted! It now sound like music straight out of hell!

It's hard to distract while not feeding,  because my fatigue is so incredibly strong that I almost have no energy! And my legs are now Jelly legs again... actually that was already gone by week 4 or so... now it's back! Tomorrow I'll be 7 weeks off. I guess these acute setback like waves are very normal for this timeline?!

These symptoms make it hard for me to distract if not feeding.. often I cannot even keep my eyes open and need to lay down . Even while sitting I feel my weak muscles and feel like collapsing on my chair! Even reading on BB or writing can be nearly impossible at times!

Should I force myself to do more even if I feel like I cannot keep my eyes open or better just rest until it's better some day?

Sometimes when I am about to throw a panic attack (alone) it just helps me to get over it if I get up and do some routine stuff in the bird room... my beautiful quite big appartment is a mess though... it looks like complete Chaos!