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Symptoms before even tapering/jumping? Almost 11 months out and horrible. Help.


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Hi,

 

I have been suffering badly since 2021, which was right before my taper. They haven't stopped except for when I went on Abilify, and then again a couple months ago on different meds. Now they are back.

 

Severe mood swings by the second, debilitating mornings, racing thoughts and intrusive memories, guilt for everything, shame, every thought is painful, exhaustion, sleep deprivation. Essentially complete mental breakdown and stress, PAINFUL depression, extreme worry/depression. Idk who this girl even is anymore and it makes me so sad. I don't know who I am. I don't recognize me.

 

I'm sad because I was doing so, so much better from around January 15/16th - last Friday, March 17th.

- during that time, I went up on my SNRI and mood stabilizer (Trileptal) and felt relief, finally (mid-January)

 

Last week, I noticed starting Monday that I was waking up with depression - not so bad, just a bit annoying. Thursday night, my sister asked me to come home (1.5 hour drive on the highway). I agreed because she needed help. Driving on the highway is my biggest trigger for anxiety. Since Friday, it's like I'm back in 2021 with all of the symptoms I listed above.

 

Did the meds just stop working? Is this a wave triggered by stress? and, for the first time since 2021, was mid January-March 2023 a window?

 

My main question is...is this ALL caused by benzos? It began happening slightly before my taper. I noticed it in the past as well if I was hungover after too much alcohol. Did anyone experience symptoms while ON benzos?

 

Please, someone, please reply and help me with what you think or if you've experienced this. I am losing my mind. Seriously. I am desperate.

 

*yes, I am aware the risks of adding more meds. It was either that or suicide for me. I will worry about tapering once I am out of this benzo hell.*

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Before you even wrote it, I was thinking this, " Is this a wave triggered by stress?" I would venture to think so. You keep trucking...better days will come as much as that sounds annoying to read. We have to push on.
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I could cry, thank you so much. It is so hard to tell what is what nowadays. I hate that I’m essentially polydrugged, but these feelings scare me so much that I need something to take the edge off. And then all of this happens. It’s a terrible cycle.
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Sweet girl you are going to make it through this. Ebbs and flows, good days and bad. Sometimes we go through a tough wave where we have more bad days than good but even that changes and you’ll start to have more good days than bad. I understand all too well the symptoms and feelings you’re describing. Hang in there and big hugs. You’re in the right place.
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Jumping in here because I too understand the deep, deep shame and depression. It's harrowing, awful and relentless.

 

Stress absolutely does make it hard to cope. The stressful situation requires a LOT from us when we're essentially depleted and just trying to get through a day.

 

I'm six months out from jumping and for the last two days have NOT woken to depression and dread. I'm not 100% but I'm no where near where I used to be. Keep going!  Better days are ahead, slowly slowly they come!!

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  • 2 weeks later...
Sounds like interdose withdrawls from me if its xanax. I had that...i wasnt even tapering and got to the point where i started having anxiety all day every day, thats when i moved over to Valium and started tapering.
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