Calling out for help, someone tell me everything will be ok

At fist, i had horrible tachycardia, i ended up going to ER, multiple visits to cardiologist, a 24hr monitor, cardiogram, all for them to tell me my heart is fine & that i have sinus tachycardia. I have noticed in the past days (friday and saturday), my hr is staying between 90-100, even if i feel panicked when sitting in the couch, i took it as a sign of maybe im healing. Yesterday night, my so drove to the grocery store for me to grab some food, on the way back i felt as a zombie no physical feelings sitting on the passenger seat, i couldnt feel my hear beat at all, i put on my ox and i saw 68 bpm, i took it off and i started panicking afraid that it would drop more and i might die of a heart attack. I was like i had low bp saturday morning and now sunday night, i have 68 .. what is going on?!?!?! What if i have low bp and lower hr, that for sure means im gonna die!?!. I started crying saying my goodbyes, looking at old photos when i was benzo/ssri free. I have been obsessing over my hr and bp, mostly my hr ever since i withdrew. I carry the ox and bp machine everywhere if i leave the house. I for real think im goons die due to a heart, bp related issue. No one around me is supportive, they tell me to snap out of it, work, get a hobby, they compare me to Eminem that was on way more drugs or a heroin survivor. Can someone give some sympathy? Has anyone that ct die from this? I only slept 3 hrs, i was on alert mode, chest pains, my hr is of 100 as i am typing this. I feel like im really gonna die of a heart problem. Im afraid of fainting, a heart attack, stroke, ending up in a coma. Im worthless at work and life right now. I have no appetite, i keep forcing myself to eat. Everyday i wake up im like another day of me fighting demons, checking my hr/bp thinking of dying. How can I distract when everyday im having a battle with my own body. No doctor that i know is of help, rehab is not an option for me plus they will probably put me on more benzos. I dont know what to do.

Hey, Moonchild. I definitely think your hr and bp are related to the wd. The lack of sleep is chaotic on the systems that regulate the readings that are jumping around. If these docs say you are okay. don't worry unless they tell you to worry, and it sounds so much like OCD with the checking the readings often and that turns into insomnia which together with everything else make the readings rise and fall with your feelings. I was at a point similar and this is why I am replying in December and my doctor told me to hold. Take care. Be gentle on yourself, and try not to worry. My BP and HR regulated after I held as my doctor recommended.  WPF

I have intrusive thoughts and nightmares telling me to just end it just for once. The only thing keeping me from doing it is my father saying he would have a heart attack just by thinking about it. Whatever used to bring me joy, doesnt anymore. Im here obsessing over wd, wearing sunglasses inside my house, worried about everything. Im so lonely.

Hey, Moonchild. I definitely think your hr and bp are related to the wd. The lack of sleep is chaotic on the systems that regulate the readings that are jumping around. If these docs say you are okay. don't worry unless they tell you to worry, and it sounds so much like OCD with the checking the readings often and that turns into insomnia which together with everything else make the readings rise and fall with your feelings. I was at a point similar and this is why I am replying in December and my doctor told me to hold. Take care. Be gentle on yourself, and try not to worry. My BP and HR regulated after I held as my doctor recommended.  WPF

 

@WithPerfectFaith Thank you for your comment. I wish there was someone understanding next to me, my so called friends, just ignore me ‘since I am not fun to be around anymore’. I have a schizophrenic mother, i am scared to death to end up like her.

You don't want to do anything but finish the withdrawal process and then move on to a better life. Wear sunglasses inside if the light is bothering you, or if you just want to bc of the sensitivities. You'll be wearing them outside once this is complete and you'll be wearing them with new skills, and being the old pre benzo you with new opportunities that you didn't know existed. This too shall pass. Hang in there! WPF

My family is very short and doesnt live locally, just my sister, father and old grandma. This makes it even worse to me. My so is not supportive.

Sounds like you’re describing myself. I had tachy (HR 155) and palpitations and also breathlessness for weeks during my taper/withdrawal. I too carried around a pulse oximeter and I even met with a cardiologist and was given a Holter monitor to wear. If your docs are saying not to worry then don’t worry.

 

I work in the medical field and I’ve been surrounded by docs for nearly 2 decades. While I can’t give medical advice myself I will tell you what I’ve learned to put your mind at ease. Depending on your age (I’m assuming you’re relatively young) and with no pre-existing heart disease or structural abnormalities (which you would know by now) then your HR can get really high. Like 200 BPM. And you wouldn’t be in danger. Granted you don’t want to stay at 200 BPM for hours but that’s not going to happen anyway because your body would compensate and eventually calm itself down to regulate your HR. And if it didn’t there’s meds for it. Healthy people don’t just drop dead from sinus tachycardia. It is VERY common and very benign. It’s just uncomfortable and scary. You mentioned you’re afraid of having a heart attack. Heart attacks are caused by plague, blockages, heart disease, etc. Unless you’ve been diagnosed with any of these conditions you’re not going to have a heart attack.

 

You mentioned your HR dropping to 68. That’s actually an excellent HR which many people would love to have! Well trained athletes have resting heart rates in the 40’s. I know it’s so much easier said than done but try to remind yourself that these thoughts are irrational, they have no basis in reality, your fear is lying to you. Sitting in the living room with a HR of 100 is not even remotely dangerous. Normal resting HR is between 60-100. You’re anxious, you’re withdrawing and you’re sensitive because your nervous system is temporarily out of wack. All of those components tied together would cause anyone to have tachycardia. Breathe. You’re going to be OK.

I’m so sorry you’re struggling. I want to echo what Jasa said….. breathe breathe breathe. Right now uiu have a lot on your shoulders and we get you on here. Please know we understand how you’re feeling and need no convincing, we fully 100% get you see you hear you. You are supported on here and I wish those around you in your life were able to be there for you how you need. I went thru very similar situation and haven’t found many ppl along this journey that haven’t had the struggle

With family and friends acting similarly. This is all so so difficult for anyone to truly get unless you’re in it. I sometimes have to step back and say gosh if I were on the other side listening to all of this I’d have no way to imagine this in my head bc it’s not possible to imagine this. It’s like describing a new color, how do you do it?!

 

Have you ever listened to Jenn Sean’s videos on YouTube? She’s going thru a taper right now, has been a therapist for decades and has such wisdom/very comforting in how she talks thru the subject of each video.

 

She has a few for our loved ones and maybe you can share them with your fam members or a close friend you want to share more about this with. I know these videos helped my family and friends out but there still is just them not wanting to accept how devastating this is bc it’s so hard on them to watch. they want to fix us but they can’t and that eats at them and sometimes thru can be harsh in their approach with us bc it’s their internal frustration coming out on us.

 

https://m.youtube.com/@jenniferswanphd/videos

 

You are loved. You are not alone, you are worth fighting this battle to the other side to enjoy life again. The benzo fear takes over and Ibe been in your shoes. I have my pulsometer I used to check all the time for over 2yrs straight. Have blood pressure monitor also and glucose monitor. My symptoms were very wacky and this have me peace of mind along with checking with drs when things were off and they confirmed it’s psychotropic med related.

 

Heart rate is a-ok 90-100 just hanging out in all of this. Same with 68, that’s really more ideal, showing your heart isn’t having to work too hard and that’s ok. If you ever have concerns and feel a check up would make you feel better about hearing from your Dr all looks ok, do what’s best for you!! Just know that these fluctuations are common and not to worry yourself. We can get hyper focused on all of this (been there!!), and it keeps us consumed and in protect state where it’s uncomfortable to even think of anything else and adds more stress to ourselves.

 

I wrote down the ranges for my pulsometer that are ok and my BP monitor and sharpied it on the little cover so that I could remind myself I was ok even when my bpm was showing 118(where I get a bit panicky feeling). Guess what I haven’t used my pulsometer in 5-6mo bc I am getting more confident in trusting my body and just working on things to try to branch out from benzo mindset. It can be hard but the more you say hey let me put this down and trust you have ability to check it when you need to, your brain will start to build ability of feeling safe that ok I can do this. See if you can extend the time you check your numbers. You have the meter with as a safety blanket kind of thing but unless feel off try to just say hey I’m good, let me concentrate on doing some laundry, or unloading dishes or watering some flowers. Just try to give yourself a break bc this all weighs on is so heavily abd we deserve a break.

Sending lots of love and hugs. You have better days ahead!!! Keep hanging on and trying to cope best you can! We are always here.

Thank you for all your sweet longs comments everyone! I unfortunately enter in a panic mode today thinking I was gonna have a heart attack, I was reading one of the success stories and this member mentioned about having 2 heart surgeries and I kept comparing myself to the person. I cried, and I cried regretting that I read it: http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=205360.0

Just thinking that the same or worse is gonna happen to me, I tend to worry too much. Cardiologist said about a month ago my heart is completely fine. Please give me reassurance, nothings gonna happen to me. I’m glad at least I’m able to get some sleep.

My friend wants to drop me off to psy ward to get iv with meds, called me hypochondriac. Which I think is what I am

I’m so sorry you’re struggling. I want to echo what Jasa said….. breathe breathe breathe. Right now uiu have a lot on your shoulders and we get you on here. Please know we understand how you’re feeling and need no convincing, we fully 100% get you see you hear you. You are supported on here and I wish those around you in your life were able to be there for you how you need. I went thru very similar situation and haven’t found many ppl along this journey that haven’t had the struggle

With family and friends acting similarly. This is all so so difficult for anyone to truly get unless you’re in it. I sometimes have to step back and say gosh if I were on the other side listening to all of this I’d have no way to imagine this in my head bc it’s not possible to imagine this. It’s like describing a new color, how do you do it?!

 

Have you ever listened to Jenn Sean’s videos on YouTube? She’s going thru a taper right now, has been a therapist for decades and has such wisdom/very comforting in how she talks thru the subject of each video.

 

She has a few for our loved ones and maybe you can share them with your fam members or a close friend you want to share more about this with. I know these videos helped my family and friends out but there still is just them not wanting to accept how devastating this is bc it’s so hard on them to watch. they want to fix us but they can’t and that eats at them and sometimes thru can be harsh in their approach with us bc it’s their internal frustration coming out on us.

 

https://m.youtube.com/@jenniferswanphd/videos

 

You are loved. You are not alone, you are worth fighting this battle to the other side to enjoy life again. The benzo fear takes over and Ibe been in your shoes. I have my pulsometer I used to check all the time for over 2yrs straight. Have blood pressure monitor also and glucose monitor. My symptoms were very wacky and this have me peace of mind along with checking with drs when things were off and they confirmed it’s psychotropic med related.

 

Heart rate is a-ok 90-100 just hanging out in all of this. Same with 68, that’s really more ideal, showing your heart isn’t having to work too hard and that’s ok. If you ever have concerns and feel a check up would make you feel better about hearing from your Dr all looks ok, do what’s best for you!! Just know that these fluctuations are common and not to worry yourself. We can get hyper focused on all of this (been there!!), and it keeps us consumed and in protect state where it’s uncomfortable to even think of anything else and adds more stress to ourselves.

 

I wrote down the ranges for my pulsometer that are ok and my BP monitor and sharpied it on the little cover so that I could remind myself I was ok even when my bpm was showing 118(where I get a bit panicky feeling). Guess what I haven’t used my pulsometer in 5-6mo bc I am getting more confident in trusting my body and just working on things to try to branch out from benzo mindset. It can be hard but the more you say hey let me put this down and trust you have ability to check it when you need to, your brain will start to build ability of feeling safe that ok I can do this. See if you can extend the time you check your numbers. You have the meter with as a safety blanket kind of thing but unless feel off try to just say hey I’m good, let me concentrate on doing some laundry, or unloading dishes or watering some flowers. Just try to give yourself a break bc this all weighs on is so heavily abd we deserve a break.

Sending lots of love and hugs. You have better days ahead!!! Keep hanging on and trying to cope best you can! We are always here.

Thank you for your message Boges, I can’t believe you typed all of that just for me to read! It’s nice to know there’s someone out there that knows how evil are wd symptoms. People around me are just saying ‘it’s out of your blood, you should be ok, if not go back to the meds!’ I see your signature, are you from DFW as well?

Sounds like you’re describing myself. I had tachy (HR 155) and palpitations and also breathlessness for weeks during my taper/withdrawal. I too carried around a pulse oximeter and I even met with a cardiologist and was given a Holter monitor to wear. If your docs are saying not to worry then don’t worry.

 

I work in the medical field and I’ve been surrounded by docs for nearly 2 decades. While I can’t give medical advice myself I will tell you what I’ve learned to put your mind at ease. Depending on your age (I’m assuming you’re relatively young) and with no pre-existing heart disease or structural abnormalities (which you would know by now) then your HR can get really high. Like 200 BPM. And you wouldn’t be in danger. Granted you don’t want to stay at 200 BPM for hours but that’s not going to happen anyway because your body would compensate and eventually calm itself down to regulate your HR. And if it didn’t there’s meds for it. Healthy people don’t just drop dead from sinus tachycardia. It is VERY common and very benign. It’s just uncomfortable and scary. You mentioned you’re afraid of having a heart attack. Heart attacks are caused by plague, blockages, heart disease, etc. Unless you’ve been diagnosed with any of these conditions you’re not going to have a heart attack.

 

You mentioned your HR dropping to 68. That’s actually an excellent HR which many people would love to have! Well trained athletes have resting heart rates in the 40’s. I know it’s so much easier said than done but try to remind yourself that these thoughts are irrational, they have no basis in reality, your fear is lying to you. Sitting in the living room with a HR of 100 is not even remotely dangerous. Normal resting HR is between 60-100. You’re anxious, you’re withdrawing and you’re sensitive because your nervous system is temporarily out of wack. All of those components tied together would cause anyone to have tachycardia. Breathe. You’re going to be OK.

Thank you for your response and taking your time to reply to me Jasa, it gives me reassurance. It tells me to be positive and not to worry. I think I’m just hypochondriac. This wd is a big monster.