Its been a long time since I've used the name Orionbash on this forum. If you remember the name Orionbash, that makes me a little sad because you've been here a long time. But at least today I'm coming with a message of hope for others that got tangled into this mess. You CAN heal. However, in my case, time was not the answer. It might be yours, but it certainly was not mine.
I only used benzos for three weeks, but I suspect my life prior to benzos was poor enough for benzos to be the final nail in the coffin to send me into one of the wildest rides of my life.
I know its good form to post how your withdrawal kinda unfolded, your big waves, symptoms, etc...but honestly? I don't really think any of that matters because most of my withdrawal, in my opinion, was a huge waste of time. On August 10th of this year it will have been 10 years since I last took a benzodiazepene. Like all of you, I did go through the horrors of acute, the windows and waves of the years afterwords...but the first 8 years were literally pointless. So I'm gonna get to when the true healing started.
And I wanna preface with this: My story might make some uncomfortable, but its the reality of the situation for some of us going through this. If you are severely protracted and find yourself not getting better year after year, my story might help you on your journey towards healing. However, I'm not going to offer any specific advice for your case because in reality we're all different and what worked for me might not work for you. So don't use my story as a guideline for how you can 100% heal. But, hopefully some of the wisdom I can share will be beneficial to you.
Halfway through my 8th year I had a massive setback. Like, worse than acute massive. While going through withdrawal I was afraid of feeling worse and kept myself within a protective bubble which was the worst thing I ever did for myself. As you'll see through my story, pain was not a bad thing and in my case it was inevitable in order to heal. Anyway, I had so many symptoms, but the most problematic was acid reflux and breathlessness. I normally took aloe vera juice for my acid reflux, but suddenly found myself getting extreme anxiety from it which never really happened before. But my reflux was so bad that I weighed the options and was like, "Well, I'd rather have the anxiety than the reflux..." so for a week I kept taking it. And something weird happened. I started a detox. My tongue turned white, I was anxious, depressed, moody, had vivid nightmares, sweating like crazy...it was awful. I had no idea at the time, but I was curious as to why I would get these symptoms. And so started the first steps into my crazy healing journey.
I discovered I was detoxing. Aloe vera juice can detox the liver. Lol Who knew? Anyway, something was clogging my liver. I had all of the symptoms of candida, so I ran with that. And while it was true, I DEFINITELY had yeast overgrowth, it wasn't my only issue. But I'm getting a bit ahead of myself here. And because I was stupid...I jumped the gun and started on an anti-candida journey that my body was NOT strong enough for.
I went on a diet despite being malnourished and lost over 100lbs in 4 months. Yeah, don't do that. At the same time I started seeing a naturopath who, honestly, wasn't all that bad...but I don't think she could grasp the severity of my situation because I couldn't even handle the "baby doses" of her detox blend. Like I got severely effed up. Lol. But its OK! Because that needed to happen in order for me to understand what was going on in my body. All of my setbacks were learning experiences. It took about two weeks for the single round of detoxing to calm down. Soon afterwords, I started to reintroduce food because I was now looking like a skeleton and I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR WHAT HAPPENED! Refeeding syndrome. Omg. Do NOT just reintroduce food after starving yourself without doctor supervision or it will mess you up so bad. But again, I needed this to happen because it sparked the events that led to me finally healing. So, it is what it is.
Anyway, I ended up in the ER with debilitating neurological symptoms. Like, my eyes were flicking around in their sockets on their own. It was horrifying. The ER doctor looked at me and was like, "Well, you're basically not skin and bones so you have adequate nutrition"... He was WRONG! Omg. And worst of all it was right at the start of the pandemic so he wasn't willing to run any testing on me. So I left the ER panicking. Now, thankfully my Mom was NOT ON MY SIDE through all of this. Sadly I had to move in with her because I blew through my life savings, RRSPs, etc... through this. Thanks Big Pharma...
But again, it was a good thing. Lol. Anyway, she basically had had enough with me and blew up on me on the way home from the ER and told me that enough was enough and that I was basically insane and needed meds for the rest of my life. That the ER doctor couldn't possible be wrong because he's a trained professional. Yeah, no. I wasn't taking that for an answer. Lol
Anyway, she called my family doctor in a huff the next day and got me an appt to see him. He, too, shrugged me off and told me I was doing it to myself. I knew better. I was on to something. But did agree to get some testing done. And thank god he tested me for the right vitamins! However, everything came back normal. Thanks to a guy that I had met on a Facebook group (I hope you're doing a lot better! if you see this. I know you'd know who you are) I learned that just because you're in "normal" range for vitamins it doesn't necessarily mean you aren't symptomatic. In my case, my B vitamins were all low normal. But if you're in the "low normal" range for long enough you can start to experience symptoms.
So at that point I was like, "Well, I got nothing to lose so..lets give this a try". And so I took the B vitamins. And it messed me up. Hard. However, after joining a vitamin b12 Facebook group I learned that there's sometimes a "reversing out" phase that people experience when taking vitamins. Also known as the Vitamin Paradox by doctors where you get worse before better. Sounds familiar right guys? Waves before windows?
ALSO NOTE: DO NOT BEGIN A VITAMIN JOURNEY WITHOUT MEDICAL SUPERVISION! Vitamins all work together and you can deplete one and experience a setback. Its quickly fixable, but having NO doctor willing to supervise me I had to learn this the hard way. There's also things you can experience if your co-factors for a specific vitamin are low. Like if your potassium is already low, taking B12 could land you in the ER. I cannot stress this enough. Reversing out is a thing, but so is pre-vitamin nutritional status.
Anyway, so I knuckled down and took the B vitamins. I did initially get better (And you can read all about this in my benzo blog, Kiro Kiro's B12 Journey) but I still had a lot of work to do. As I started to heal, my body became able to detox on its own. And while I thought I was getting worse...I was actually just healing. But I still had a LOT of work to do. Eventually I found out I was Vitamin D deficient as well. So I had to take that protocol as well. Omg that was horrible. I couldn't handle any stimulation at all. So for 6 weeks while I went through the reversing out for that protocol I basically just laid in the dark in my room listening to movies.
After that I found out the B1 in my complex wasn't enough and I had to take higher doses of that. And that was another 2 weeks of high anxiety, among other things. I remember being really nauseous too. I dunno. I did feel a little better after that, but then I hit a stalemate. I was no longer getting any better after 2 months of taking all the right vitamins. I had exhausted all of my research and had nowhere to go. But thankfully something good happened...
I thank the giant amoeba in the sky that my Mom decided her life as a CEO of a major company was too much work and decided to settle down and become a hairdresser. It was through one of her clients that she learned about live-blood analysis clinics. In my case, a former nurse who got messed up on pharmaceuticals and healed herself by doing all the research, got certified as a live-blood analysis practitioner (Note, they're still not doctors. But they do the investigative work for you) and now helps others get through the same situation. Anyway, so I went to see her. She took a single drop of my blood (Which, btw, looked REALLY BAD when she pricked my finger. It was not a nice ruby red colour. It was dark and purple) and we looked at it under a microscope together.
And when I saw floored me. Mold (It looked like spider webs all over the blood). Parasites. My red blood cells were all jumbled up and sticking together. They had no uniform shape. Some were big, some were small, some were slowly exploding on their own...I was shocked! I wish benzobuddies allowed pictures to be posted cuz I'd love to show you what my blood was like at first vs three months into her protocol. I suspect that my fears of being "setback" by anything is what prevented me from healing. Eating good, healthy food caused me to feel bad in withdrawal. So I often avoided it. Thats not to say it can't have a negative impact. Some people experience histamine issues, for example, and can't eat an avocado. That wasn't my case, but I still felt bad after eating good things and it was most likely a reversing out syndrome on its own. But ya, knowledge is power. Anyway, thats when she got me started on a healing protocol that was actually pretty easy.
First step was to take glutathione to clear my bloodstream of all the crap. Just for a week until my body was a little clear of some of the crap. I did detox. It wasn't fun. But it worked. Then after a week I would reintroduce my vitamins. Started to reverse out again, but it worked. I was feeling better!
....And then came the detox. Which actually wasn't all that bad and involved natural herbs (Oil of Oregano tablets, actually. Its really potent and I often wonder if this is why people react so badly to it in withdrawal). I just had ZERO energy. Like, none. Couldn't lift my own arms. My body was so full of toxins that it took a lot of energy clearing it out. But thanks to the glutathione I was taking I no longer experienced the irritability, anxiety, depression, etc...so that was nice. Then after rounds of OoO I would take probiotics. I would take my B vitamins on and off (Four months on, 2 months off because B6 in high amounts for a long period can cause toxicity symptoms. So I just took less than 10mg a daily for 4 months and then took a break off the B complex). And slowly I healed.
After 8 months I can do SO much again! I can play any videogame I want, I am no longer agoraphobic, I can eat GOOD, DELICIOUS FOOD! I can exercise! I can hang out with friends and feel mostly normal! Its so amazing guys. I never imagined at the start of my setback that this would have been a reality for me. But it finally is! Again, I wish I could post pictures because I'd love to show you all what you can do again once you heal. Actually, while in the healing process I became a semi-popular fashion Instagrammar, but only to the Japanese which sparked me learning Japanese and am now proficient enough to play online games with people that don't speak English. I never would have done that pre-withdrawal! And that in itself has been such a rewarding experience. So, ya, its been an interesting year and a bit while going through the healing process. And while I am upset that I lost so much of my life, I'm also happy because I have a maturity and understanding for things that people that never went through this would never understand.
Anyway, almost done. Haha. I'm sorry for the length of this. Now for the most important question: Am I 100% healed? No. Toxins are stored in fat cells and while I'm improving my health for the better all that needs to come out. And I'm still not done healing my gut. I probably have another 6 months to go. But gone are all the torturous symptoms. I just have chronic fatigue which prevents me from working, sadly. Otherwise I'd have a job. But compared to everything I've been through being tired is OK! I can still manage everything I need to for the most part. I just go down for naps throughout the day. My body has done a LOT of work and is exhausted. But its OK! Because that too one day is gonna go.
But for now, the endless torment of the last 10 years is gone. I no longer worry about my future. And I'm excited for all of the things that I'm going to do going forward.
I'm sorry that my story is all over the place. I kinda summed it up the best that I could and tried to remove the smaller, insignificant details. If you want more, you can always read my Buddie Blog. Regardless, I hope you guys all get there too! Best of luck!
Orionbash (AKA [...])
P.S: If you want to ask me questions related to my story, I'm more than happy to answer them. However, I'm not a doctor. I'm not a licensed professional of any sort. Most of my story was honestly luck and as I stated, everyone's journey is unique and what worked for me might not work for you. So i won't answer any questions relating to a protocol for you. If you want to ask what I took or experienced with things, that's fine. Its just... It might not even be your answer. I am just one person in a sea of many trying to navigate this crap and through a series of unfortunate, but lucky events I managed to figure out what I needed to heal. Your answer might be time, it might not be. I dunno. I'm not even sure how much of my experience was really a withdrawal vs not anymore. But, regardless, I did heal and I know you all can too! Some of us just need a little extra help. I just really wanted to add my story to the collective in case it helps more people (As it already has via my buddie blog).
