It's been almost 4 years since I've posted on benzobuddies. I needed to come back and offer hope to those in need. The light at the end of this tortuous tunnel is real. And it's within your reach too. Hope & patience, I discovered, are essential elements to recovery. Do not lose those. But, if you do, find ways to regain them as you move through the bumpy road back to life. My life is richer than ever before. I now deeply appreciate things I took for granted.
I'd been drugged by the psychiatrist who was supposed to help me navigate a family crisis. I trusted him to help, when in fact, all he did was give me a chemical lobotomy and gaslight me into thinking it was my own brain deceiving me when things went further awry. Just as the majority of you, I was left on my own to find my way back to normalcy.
1mg Ativan was my beast. When I first tried to taper, I went too fast. In terrorizing clarity I recall standing in the garage with my husband completely distraught & hysterical. It felt like my soul had been sucked out of my body - just like the Dementor's kiss, as described in Harry Potter. Suicidal thoughts consumed me, which frightened the hell out me because I'd never before felt anything like that. Thank god my husband just hugged me and told me it was going to be ok. We would get through this, if I could just hang on. Between my supportive family & you guys, I've made it to the other side. I am healed. Life is beautiful. Do not give up. You are worth fighting for!
What worked for me: To slow down my taper, I learned to DMLT from builder. I tapered according to symptoms. Because Ativan has such a short half life, I broke up my doses into 4x/day. I cleaned up my diet - no processed foods, no alcohol, no sugar, no caffiene, low-carb, lots of healthy whole foods. No drugs, other than Ativan to taper. Since I took Ativan to sleep, I really implemented good sleep hygiene practices which helped tremendously. Exercising - in moderation and outside (when possible) kept me as sane as I could be at that time. Practicing meditative breathing helped calm my erratic central nervous system. Ashtanga yoga. Removing toxic people from my life gave me space to heal. Minimizing stress as much as possible helps so much too. And always, give back to others, when you can. Those are the things that immediately come to mind. I'm sure there's more.
Looking back at my recovery, it forced me to deal with life on it's terms. Going through the highs and lows completely conscious has allowed me to grow and thrive. I won't ever again give my agency over to drugs or to doctors. They are both false saviors. I need to be responsible. I lean on those I love and who I know love me back. All these good habits continue to be an integral part of my life to this day.
Thank god I discovered benzobuddies. You made me feel welcome and not alone. You validated my crisis as real and not some figment of my imagination. You all guided and loved me through the worst of it. I did my best to give back during my tenure here. Words alone can't express how much this site is responsible for my recovery. Tears of gratitude are streaming down my face right now. I'm forever indebted to those buddies who reached out a helping hand, consoled, comforted and accepted all my brokenness so I could work through it and heal. While you're here, try and be one of those buddies. You may save someone's life. Thank you.
