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unbearable suffering from horrific updose, almost 4 months now


[Si...]

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I suppose the only answer is to hold, but I'm still too frightened to do it in case there are no results...

 

I took this drug only once every 1-3 months, at 10 to 50mg.  4 accidental overdoses as I mixed it with wine, over 3 years.

 

Last overdose put me into withdrawal.  I think.  Symptoms started after positive covid test. 

 

That was when I started taking valium more regularly, 10mg for 3-4 nights to help sleep with my unbearable dry mouth, and 2-8 days on 0mg.  This went on for almost 2 and half months until I woke up 1 morning and had such severe symptoms I self diagnosed, said this isn't long covid that comes and goes, it's withdrawal from the overdose. 

 

I reached out for help and the horror began.  Already taking it every day was a shock to my brain, let alone all the rest.  The 1st updose to 30mg in the private hospital helped me.  I was then discharged on 18mg and due to reduce 2mg a week.  After getting into problems I reverted to public health and this huge mistake was made, where I was put back on 30mg. 

 

Since then I've been in hell.  my panic is out of this world. and dry mouth is back. 

 

I've tapered from a dose I never took on a regular on even semi regular basis.  I wasn't tapering, just force overdosing for what my brain was used to. 

 

I'm now at 14mg and people say well done like it must be hard to "come off" 30mg.  No, I haven't felt any of the cuts. 

 

Psychologically I can't bear to hold this dose anyway, so if I hold it will be on 12mg.  Then I'll prob have to go for 1mg reductions.

 

I'm desperate and will probably end up on low dose seroquel because I don't know what else to do.  At my worst, my stomach and chest and head and jaw shake can't breathe writhe on  floor. Pounding heart. Have screamed. 

 

I've been taking valium every day since I reached out for help and was told to do so.  So since Sept.  I seem to be in a much worse situation than someone who has taken it for years. 

 

Sometimes I think of tapering faster because my situation is so unusual. Tapering from a dose I never took.  Kindling on the 10mg when I thought my dry mouth was covid, and the shaking was panic due to the dry mouth. I don't know if I'm better or worse since being put up to 30mg. 

 

Is the problem my receptors or just total CNS destabilisation?  My mind is unaffected, I feel like I'm on speed so I think even faster.  I have no other symptoms apart from this raging panic and lack of saliva.  Well of course no appetite goes with that. 

 

Do I just hold and go on seroquel?  I read this forum and no-one seems to be suffering from such intense panic and not for months. 

 

I cannot read or do any activity as it causes more panic.  I feel there's no hope

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I have been on Valium for many month, at 10 mg, I have so many terrible symptoms, you could not imagine. I am wondering if I should go to up to 60mg a day to reach a comfort zone and start tapering after having left my body at 10 mg for so many months.

Many these benzo specialist could help you. I use them; https://www.truehope.com/program

 

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Frenchman, I think you should just slowly reduce.  From what I've learnt so far, it seems taking the valium causes the same symptoms as withdrawing, in a way. 

How many months have you been at 10mg?

I'm not sure about long holds for some people.

What are your symptoms?

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[ca...]
I’m sorry for the suffering you are going through and I saw you only got one reply and that honestly makes me sad. I don’t really have much advice or answers. The only thing I can think is that I would keep making small but steady reductions and not holding for really long periods of time if I was in your position. I don’t think I would add seroquel to this but that’s a personal decision. I’m sorry I don’t have much more to offer for help but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this miserable struggle at the very least. Those of us who are in a state of h**l often don’t post much sadly because we don’t get many replies or help and it often takes everything we have just to even write a post only to see it read and ignored and skipped. I know it can feel crappy when you are desperately asking for help and get no answers. I only wish I had more advice to give.  :-\
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Thank you for the reply.  Yes it is hard even to write a post or look at a computer. 

 

Are you in hell too?

 

My reductions are too big at the moment according to convention I think but that is because I cannot bear being at these doses and the longer my taper the more time taking this drug daily.  I will go from 14mg to 12mg and then start 1mg reductions I suppose. 

 

The other option is to continue with 2mg reductions until I am sure a cut is making me worse.  But very hard to tell as I have no pattern - a few better moments at 20mg, constant hell at 18mg, some better moments at 16mg, better moments at the beginning of 14mg and now I can't judge as I have lost strength to help myself or force myself to eat.

 

thank you so much

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hey Simonaa,

 

I’m so sorry you’re going through so much pain and torture right now. I wanted to reach out firstly to let you know you’re not alone, and secondly try to help you brainstorm on how to get through this.

 

I also abused alcohol while on klonopin and valium for roughly a year. I was not an everyday drinker, but when I did drink I drank a lot.

 

When you say “overdose”, are you speaking of a medical overdose? As in you needed to be hospitalized?

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thanks chunki for reaching out, I've been reading your story too.

 

no, I never needed to be hospitalised, valium is so '"safe", so yes, easily survived 4 or 5 accidental big overdoses of 100mg or more, plus a bottle of wine.  the stupid thing is I bought the valium to help me cut down on my drinking, which wasn't that much now I look back and only a lot when had big emotional stress that day.  it worked many times but other times, if you start drinking, you lose track of how much valium you're taking and go into a semi conscious state.  I don't recollect my overdoses. 

 

I am better than usual today.  scared of tomorrow as usual.

 

I hope you can find a way to taper that works for you - I'm now speeding mine up but apprehensive...

 

did you take the benzos every day?

 

it's great you've cut down so much by the way, even if you updose a little to stabilise

 

 

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I gotcha. I never blacked out even when drinking fairly heavily on top of my 2 mg klonopin + 10 mg valium.

 

I took my benzos everyday starting in fall of 2021. Sporadic use before then.

 

I really hope an updose can even work for me. I updosed by 2 mg last night from 23-25 and it made me feel much better.

 

Were you drinking every single day?

 

What exactly happened with your updose?

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That's great you feel better.  My updose was a 2nd updose after one in hospital and it ruined me.  Logically I thought updosing to a dose that had made me half drunk in hospital would be a good idea to do the recommended slow taper from.  The drug doesn't do logic, as I've learned now.  But my taper has just been a long overdose with doses my brain was not accustomed to.  Just taking benzos on a daily basis caused me brain shock, let alone the rest.  I regret every day reaching out for help as my case was so unusual and needed different treatment.  I could have been fine by Christmas at the most last year. 

 

No I binge drank in difficult times, otherwise moderate drinking or no drinking.  When I was young I drank a lot but still not every day. 

 

You're armed with lots more knowledge and sounds like you'll do really well.  I didn't think a 2mg updose could have any effect when things went haywire for me. 

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If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you? I don’t want to invade your privacy, but I want you to know that the brain is a LOT more plastic than people think.

 

A common misconception is that the brain stops growing at 25. Get that idea out of your head if it’s in there! It isn’t true!

 

The brain changes and keeps changing depending on what you do with it! It’s like any other part of the body.

 

I’m telling you all of this to try and give you a serious dose of HOPE.

 

No matter how far gone you think you are, or how much damage you’ve done or think you’ve done, There is hope for you. You being in this forum and communicating how you feel just screams it.

 

“One can choose to go back toward safety or forward toward growth.

Growth must be chosen again and again; fear must be overcome again and again.“

 

- Abraham Maslow

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Going through my own personal hell right now. Have been holding V. as rapid taper initially has left me traumatised. My entire CNS is destabilised. I’ve lost a ton of weight. My body doesn’t function. I’ve recently developed a horrible depression triggered by insomnia. I’m sorry you’re suffering. Another buddy mentioned about treating yourself with care & compassion as if you were caring for an injured animal/person. We are injured.
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I am so sorry you are suffering Joanne. I am right there with you.

 

Rapid taper shook me to my core as well.

 

Currently in a hotel room with a friend, hanging in there.

 

Praying for both you and simonaa

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