Clonazepam withdrawal

First, many thanks to those who shared.  It gave me hope when I needed some.

As many thanks to those who spread positive reinforcement.  The world desperately needs more people like you!

 

This is a rant collection.  I’m sorry if it reads as such. 

 

I have RRMS, diagnosed in my thirties. 

Now I’m in my forties and I have been taking clonazepam for 4 years and I quit and that’s why I’m here.

I didn’t taper.  It’s day12.  I accept that I may have made a mistake.  I will learn.

I knew about benzos and risk of dependency.

I asked my dr for the pills for anxiety.  This was a mistake.  I knew that addictive substances do not work well with chronic issues but I asked for it anyway.  Regret.  It stings.

Dr gave me prescription for 1mg/day.

For the first 2.5 years, I took it only when my anxiety was at it’s worst.  1mg/day for 1-3 consecutive days per week with 1-2 week gaps in between.  This irregular pattern became “regular”, If that isn’t nonsense. 

Last year I had a MS relapse that was particularly challenging.  It roughed me up and knocked me out of work for 6 months.  I’m still recovering from that, back at work.

The relapse heightened my anxiety and I slowly began taking more.

By the time I realized that the clonazepam had begun to make worse what it was supposed to make better, my new irregular, “regular” grew into 1mg/day for 5-7 consecutive days per week, with 3-4 day gaps in between.  For the last month I was abusing, taking 2mg/day on this irregular schedule.  It took me that month to realize that I had broken a personal policy that I had been obstinately conformed to.  If I start to abuse, I quit or get help.   

 

Withdrawal symptoms started at around 72 hours.

 

Anxiety.  It’s been wild and intense compared to my lifelong anxiety.  A real nasty, aggressive, introspective hell-ride.  Serrated.  I fight it, crow-barring in 2 positive thoughts for every toxic negative thought.  It’s difficult and exhausting and sometimes almost impossible but this method has helped me a lot throughout my life.  It phases in and out, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. Sometimes it comes on so quick, it catches me off guard and really tries to do a number on me.  This has been my worst symptom.   

I’ve experienced these toxic wakeups my whole life but NOTHING this intense or frequent.  Around day5 it was every hour on the hour, I would wake up in terror, heart feeling like it was going bounce off of the ceiling.  Ugh, pretty brutal.  I calm myself down and reign in my breathing, I acknowledge what is happening, I acknowledge that this awful feeling is temporary and the payouts going to be huge.  This went on for 2 days and then it quit.  Hoping it doesn’t come back but if it does, I already know what it feels like.  This was my 2nd worst symptom, only because it stopped.

 

Increased heart rate and heart pounds occasionally.  Kind of scary until I realized why.

 

Tinnitus used to be soft and intermittent and now it’s loud and constant.  I hope it goes away. 

 

Baggy eyes.  Holy crap.  I look like uncle Fester.  It comes and goes.

 

Very strange feelings come and go.  Eyes feel out of focus, mild depersonalization\derealization, my already shabby balance is extra shabby.   

 

Insomnia but so far, no worse than my lifelong insomnia, 2-6 hours, sporadically.

 

Stomach cramps, painful but manageable. 

 

Headaches are more intense and frequent.  Body pains so far, I can’t tell what is MS and what may be withdrawal.  I take acetaminophen and ibuprofen in moderate doses and it helps a little bit.  Weed has never helped my pains and I have things to do and I have to go to work and it doesn’t pair well with fatigue. 

 

I told the woman who I don’t deserve what’s up.  All of it.  She’s got my back.

I told my boss, who knows about the MS, that I may be extra AFU for a while and apologized for my performance in advance.  My boss is cool. 

I’ve kept working, only missing a few hours but I can’t focus or remember or do any problem solving and my job requires all of that.  I do the best I can.  Working from home isn’t an option.  I wish it were right now…

I tried eliminating stressors but that was a waste of time.

I’m drinking nothing but water and eating light.  Eating is hard.  Everything is disgusting.  I make myself do it. 

I walk around a lot and work but I don’t exercise because I’ve not gotten back to that point yet.

 

 

I started reading about tapering and the start and stop withdrawal symptoms around day7.

This created real anxiety so I continued reading but my pill schedule is odd and I don’t know what to compare to. 

I’m already feeling the better more than the worse.  Is this merely a foolish false sense of security before my real hell begins?  I’ve read plenty about 2 week backlashes. 

Can seizures begin after day12?  This has become a focal point for my revolving anxiety and I’ve been beating it down with a stick.  The rest of the symptoms I feel like I can manage but I can’t manage a seizure.   

 

I do not want to start taking this garbage again.  I really hope that is not where I end up.

 

I’ve read a lot of suffering here and so far, mine has paled in comparison to that of many.

I wish everyone the best in their recoveries.  Don’t stop.  You WILL feel immeasurably better.

 

Thanks in advance for the extra help.

You won't have seizures, but might feel crappy for a while. Best of luck. If you can hang in there, I would suggest not reinstating

From the bottom of my heart I hope it works out for you. You seem to have a lot of tenacity. I went from 2mg to 0.5mg and by day 15 I was non-functional and had to updose. BUT we all have different thresholds for pain. The fact that you've been able to go to work is very promising. If you can push through, then push through. But also know if you need to reinstate, there's no shame. Just know you're not alone, we all know what you're going through. 

Thanks for the kind words.  It helps me stay positive.

2 weeks into this, I'm tired and sore and afraid.  I won't give up. 

I went to the dr, establishing a new PCP. 

She said my bp was high(140/95) and wants to put me on meds for it.

I said it's likely withdrawal and anxiety.

She said withdrawal should only last about 2 weeks.

Too tired for debate, I told her I'm going to wait.

I'm still fighting off panic and my heart pounds frequently, amongst many other things. 

I know my brain is squirming and hasn't recalibrated yet and I will NOT be introducing new chemicals in this state. 

I got an auto bp cuff to check it on a schedule and fill out a card for the dr to look at.

I wonder why doctors are taught to disregard withdrawal symptoms. 

 

 

 

I went to the dr, establishing a new PCP. 

She said my bp was high(140/95) and wants to put me on meds for it.

I said it's likely withdrawal and anxiety.

She said withdrawal should only last about 2 weeks.

Too tired for debate, I told her I'm going to wait.

I'm still fighting off panic and my heart pounds frequently, amongst many other things. 

I know my brain is squirming and hasn't recalibrated yet and I will NOT be introducing new chemicals in this state. 

I got an auto bp cuff to check it on a schedule and fill out a card for the dr to look at.

I wonder why doctors are taught to disregard withdrawal symptoms.

 

Yeah don't debate. Your BP is actually not so bad considering. A beta blocker might help with that as well as the heebie jeebies

They are totally clueless. That's why places like BB exists. I'm sorry you're being dismissed. Like Keagan said, sometimes beta blockers help but they also need tapering if you use it regularly. Hang in there. 

 

I think my bp will return to normal, eventually. 

If not, I will have to weigh options.

 

Thank you, jelly baby and keagan for your input and support!