Poly drugged and confused.

It's taken me over 60 days to finally come on here to share my story and try to see if anyone has any advice.

I went to my doctor around 3 years ago with extremely mild symptoms of anxiety, if I could even have called it that. I was put on benzos along side an SSRI. I stopped the ssri very quickly as it did not sit well with me. At this time the first year I only ingested 27.5mg of lorazepam, nothing of concern at all. I would rarely take it and most of the times I would cut the pill into 0.25 or .5 with the seldom 1mg dose.

Year two I ingested a little bit more at 37.5mg of lorazepam. Again not anything I was really concerned about as it was given to me by doctor with no real warnings. On the bottle it said 1mg a day as needed. I was still breaking them up.

Last year from April-Dec I ingested 76.25mg of lorazepam with most of the use being in the ladder part of that. Still I was rarely using the full 1mg, but I started to notice my anxiety was creeping up almost daily and nothing was setting it off. I would feel bad take a 0.25 or a .5 and poof like magic I could go to work or do what I needed to. Then the last few weeks it was getting so bad even after taking the pills I wouldn't even be ok to drive. I still hadn't looked into these pills but I just knew something wasn't right and I felt that I was becoming dependant. I quickly scheduled and appointment with my doctor to talk about getting off them. I went in knowing what I wanted, I told him I want to get of benzos and do CBT. He told me to try another SSRI, we had tried a few with none ever making me feel ok I always felt high on them. He saw my face sink when he mentioned the SSRI and proceeded to say it was safe and along CBT we would "one two punch it". I was terrified but I trust doctors and medicine. So the plan was to 1 month taper from the benzos, get on SSRI and CBT. Deep down I truly believe my anxiety mainly came from taking benzos.

Little did I know this was the beginning of the end.

Since Dec 15 I have been a shell of the person I was. I took 2 (5mg) pills of ciprilax feeling instantly ill and unable to function. I stopped them after 2 days and that night I had a rapid onset on tinnitus.

I continued the taper plan of lorazepam or a few more days, I found this site sacred myself half to death and said that's it no pills no matter what.

I made it 3 weeks cold turkey, at first I thought I was in hell and shortly after the first week I was quick to realize I was just at the gates and they then welcomed me in. The next two weeks to anyone that's not on this forum would be impossible to understand. Many ER visits and all the rest. Here is the list of symptoms I had:

Tinnitus

Elevator sinking

Light feeling

Shaky weak legs

Dizzy

Foggy

Blurred vision

Struggling to concentrate

Struggle to remember

Passing out feeling

Daily Fever come and go within hours / temp fine

Excess adrenaline feeling

Trouble Breathing

Heart palpitations

Increased resting heart rate

Coming down from drugs

Feels like I'm dying

Those are the ones I found the strength to write down.

I didn't know what was going on, I was mostly fine taking lorazepam when needed and was able to function. After ingesting that SSRI if I could find the enegery to do any form of self care that was a "good day" .

I then was put on Quetiapine as my doctor though I was manic. However that was the complete opposite of what I was doing. How being not able to stand or get out of bed would be considered manic is beyond me. I stopped after 1 week per the second opinion I got from seeing another doctor that's wasn't my Family doctor.

All the doctors I've seen multiple ER visits, 2 phycitraist, general addiction clinic all say it's impossible that I could be going through benzo withdrawal. One benzo Specialist Clinic said it would be rare at my numbers but not impossible, believed me and was willing to walk me through the Ashton.

Then came the intense research, I have since done something called pharamcogentic testing and found out that the ciprilax is on my DO NOT TAKE list to no surprise.

However all benzos seem to be ok with me other then lorazepam which says "You may have higher than usual levels of this medication in your blood plasma after taking it." Could this be the reason why such low dose and total mg ingested caused me to be dependent and go through withdrawal?

Was it just building and building up? Or am I even going through benzo withdrawal?

For the next part I was in tears when I was told to get back on a benzo after making it 3 weeks, but I just couldn't take it anymore.

Jan 20th I was put on clonazepam 0.25 x 2 Daily along side propranolol 10mg x 2 daily (I do not think the propranolol is doing anything). However since this I've been able to walk around my neighbourhood, cook for myself and even drive down the street from time to time however I am still nowhere close to getting back to work or functioning half of how I was able to before. I still have really off days and need my partner to care for me. I do however take every bit of enegery I have to work out go for walks and get exposure. I have also completed 6 CBT sessions.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and any insight you might have.

I must be absolutely crazy because I'm considering doing another cold turkey. The other option would be to continue to increase the clonazepam until I become stable and then Ashton from there. I feel like I'm taking more clonazepam at the converted rate then I ever took of lorazepam, but maybe somehow it's not enough to bring me past the tolerance I was at. All I know is I need to get back to my business I run and start getting my life back I don't know if meeting the devil himself again is a faster way or if I'm even dependant on benzos but every time I read from this cold turkey portion of the site it was as if I was typing the words myself. All I know is something is still very very wrong.

I read a lot on here of being "stable" and success with Ashton. Does this mean you are not bed ridden and have very mild symptoms as you gradually lower your dose. Are you able to live life pretty much as you would minus having to be ontop of your tapering?

Help please I'm so lost, confused in pain and tiered. 60 days and I don't even feel like I'm making progress by either starting CT or Taper.

Lorazepam use Dec 7 2019 - Dec 15th 2023 = 141.25mg

M = Morning, MD = Mid Day, N = Night

- Ciprilax -

Dec

15 - 5mg M

16 - 5mg M

- Lorazepam -

Dec

15 - 0.25M 0.25N

16 - 0.25M

17 - 0.25N

18 - 0.25N

20 - 0.25M

22 - 0.25M

Jan

16 - 1M

20 - 0.5M

- Quetiapine -

Dec

23 - 25mg MD

24 - 25mg N

Jan

11 - 50mg/50mg MD/N

13 - 12.5mg N

14 - 100mg N

15 - 100mg N

16 - 100mg N

17 - 100mg N

18 - 50mg N

19 - 50mg N

20 - 25mg N

21 - 25mg N

- Clonazepam -

Jan

20 - 0.25 N

21 - 0.25 M 0.25 N

22 - 0.5 M 0.25 N

23 - 0.25 M 0.25 N

24 - 0.5 M 0.25 N

25 - 0.25 M 0.25 N

26 - 0.25 M 0.25 N

27 - 0.5 M 0.25 N

28 - 0.25 M 0.25 N

29 - 0.25 M 0.25 N

30 - 0.25 M 0.25 N

31 - 0.5 M 0.25 MD

Feb

1 - 0.25 M 0.25 MD

2 - 0.25 M 0.25 MD

3 - 0.25 M 0.25 MD

4 - 0.25 M 0.25 MD

5 - 0.25 M 0.25 MD

6 - 0.25 M 0.25 MD

7 - 0.25 M 0.25 MD

8 - 0.25 M 0.25 MD

9 - 0.25 M 0.25 MD

10 - 0.25 M 0.25 MD

11 - 0.25 M

- Propranolol -

Feb

1 - 10mg MD

2 - 10mg M 10mg N

3 - 10mg M 10mg N

4 - 10mg M 10mg N

5 - 10mg M 10mg N

6 - 10mg M 10mg N

7 - 10mg M 10mg N

8 - 10mg M 10mg N

9 - 10mg M 10mg N

10 - 10mg M 10mg N

11 - 10mg M

Thank you for your detailed story and medication history, please, please do not do another cold turkey, it will most likely be worse than your first.  There is a theory I happen to agree with but I’ll let you decide if it could apply to you. Kindling

I’m sorry to hear you haven’t been validated by the medical profession, yes, the drug has cleared your body but the changes the drug made to your brain hadn’t resolved so yes, you were suffering from withdrawal of the drug.

Your body has been through a terrible shock and I know it pains you to continue taking the Klonopin but its the only thing that will keep you functional and its the only thing that will insure you can return to the life you lead. 

Thank you so much for getting back to my post. As this is so new to me and the suffering has been relentless I'd be lying if I wasn't coming back here every 15 minutes to see if someone replied. I feel like I have to choose a route very soon and I don't know how much trust I have for the people that got me here.

Kindling is something I read slightly about before but now was a perfect time to draw my attention to it again.

I did read "Prescriber adherence to guidelines for the recommended intermittent/rare one-off use of benzodiazepines and short-term (less than 2-4 weeks, including tapering off period) use would, for the most part, negate most risk for kindling, as the patients would not become physically dependent"

I'm assuming the 22 days I've reinstated might of put me past the threshold of the above statement.

I am going to be in contact with my doctor early next week in regards to dose amount and I'm not looking for anyone here to tell me the amount I need, just if at the dose I'm at now isn't working that its worth trying to go up until I can find baseline and Ashton from there. I've read that sometimes after you CT you might not be able to become "normal" again even after reinstatement and have to taper anyways. I don't want to make the problem worse as I was never a high mg per day user and always felt that I was lucky I had that in my favour. When I read about the length and amount people have used and think about what I went through is the only time I've felt lucky since this has started. My heart go out to everyone.

I've always struggled to understand how we can take a certain mg of this drug hit tolerance and start to feel withdrawal regardless, but on the flip side when we taper we stabilize for 2-4 weeks then lower slowly with mild symptoms. Wouldn't we hit tolerance after 2-4+ weeks and every drop spiral into worsening withdrawal symptoms.

I know everyone's story will be different, for myself I've used up a lot of the time that I should be healing still trying to get answers. I'm worried about losing my business and not being able to provide for my partner. Without me our lives crumble. So that's why no matter if it's up in meds as much as that idea breaks my heart if I can become even 80% of who I was I would be able to not have my life fall apart and find my way to the other side.

I am new to long lasting benzos is there a time frame that I could use to know if by now I should be feeling better with an increase?

I found out from being on here I wasn't alone but wish I was. No-one deserves this.

Looking for answers is normal and healthy but finding them is tough because not enough of the right kind of research has been done and we’re all so different, we don’t fall into a nice neat package the medical community feels comfortable with, this is why there are so many differing opinions and strategies that in truth, don’t help us. 

I’m glad you’re not asking for what dose will eventually work for you but I agree that you need to find one you can function on, stay at it for awhile and begin a slow taper from there.  You’re right, once the body goes into severe symptoms it’s tough to pull it back out, for some, a return to that time is impossible so we aim for functional and hope for the best.

I can see you have an inquiring mind and we have a member who has compiled all the available research here on the forum so in your spare time you could pursue this section to see if you can find any answers to your questions. Benzos In The News 

When you mention the Ashton method are you referring to switching to Valium or using the 5-10% reductions she advocated for using Clonazepam?  I would suggest staying with Clonazepam, it’s half life is fairly long and many have tapered directly from it.

You’ve brought up some questions about tapering and how it differs from tolerance, I don’t have a answers to this question but perhaps a post Chewing The Fat would bring some opinions you could relate to.

Your last question about finding stability at 22 days, I would think the Clonazepam has had time to build up in your system, others may have a different opinion, I’m not an expert.

Thank you for all the hard work you are doing for others that in this moment cannot. One of the hardest things has been to advocate for my own health during a time when I don't want to even wake up. I've always been a fighter in life, this has tested that to the fullest.

At first I drew up my own Ashton based of the site. That included a switch to valium however I'm thinking I've already switched to a longer lasting it might be in my best interest to not add further complications by rapidly trying another. Unless there was overwhelming evidence that valium is the way to go. I did like how easy it seems on V with the way they make their pills.

The benzo specialist at first told me to get back on lorazepam, which I found odd. He mentioned some people see better results with certain benzos. That then left me stressing that why I still feel horrible on clonazepam is this one doesn't work for me. There's no doubt I've had severe symptoms so now I'm thinking going up seems like my only option to combat the trama as well as if I want any form of normalcy. One of the hardest things about this horrible drug is it leaves you searching for answers in a sea of uncertainty. And for most of us, when we feel the way we do the time it takes to find out or stress of our choices making the situation worse leaves us with unbearable thoughts. We all want it to end.

At first I was totally convinced the ciprilax did this to me as it was all rapid onset from ingesting that medication. That's why I am so hesitated to fully commit to for the first time in my life taking large doses of benzos daily. That's where I'm really scared and when I talk with doctors or phycitraist and they say there is no way 2 doses of SSRI can leave someone this messed up after 60 days I can't stop but think to myself you also said benzos were safe, you also said there was no way someone like me taking as little as I did could be going through this.... But here I am in waves of unbearable torutre

Sorry to anyone reading if I'm all over the place, our minds run and mine is full with questions unless I'm trying to meditate my way out of a withdrawal

I’ve read some members mention they’ve taken tests which determine that certain benzo’s aren’t suited for their genetic profile but to tell you the truth, I’m not familiar with these tests and don’t put much stock in them because if you’re like us, those who will suffer from benzodiazepine withdrawal syndrome then it really doesn’t matter which benzo you take, they’re all going to be a problem.

We also understand how cognitively challenged we are when going through this, we’re expected to make critical decisions about our healthcare when we’re the least prepared to do so.  And to top is all off, many in the medical community won’t acknowledge us and because of that, our family and friends are doubtful as well so we’re on our own.  Hence, the internet and BenzoBuddies which has people rolling their eyes but where else are we supposed to find help?  Sorry, I’m ranting.

Rant away. Its just nice to talk to someone that understands the pain. Everyone around me tries to understand, my brother has even said he wishes he could take on my pain for a few days so I could take a deep breath. As sweet as the thought, little does he know the instant regrets he would face.

So I am one of those people, I took a pharamcogentic test. And in case anyone reading wish I said more, here's what I'll say. It cost me around $500 in the country I'm in, I gladly payed that even though it was hard since I'm no longer working. We are all so desperate to find answers, this for me could have been one more answered. It had tons of insights into medications. I did notice certain things that would point to it being somewhat true or at least I saw things that made sense from previous reactions, but again it could all be nonsense. It did point out as I stated in my original post that taking lorazepam for me would lead to having higher concentrations in my blood then others. All I can really say as someone that has suffered from medication I know now having a list that can calm my mind if in the future I'm asked to take something else may be helpful.

If I had it before I took the SSRI and saw that it was on my DO NOT TAKE list then I would have never taken it ruling out one of the drugs making it easier to commit to benzo tollerance/depenacy being the sole reason for how I feel. I would have never taken that drug that started day one of whatever all of this is. But I do understand my case is different like everyone else's and my symptoms started the day I took the SSRI not the day I stopped benzos. If you've only taken benzos and you feel like hell, then well there's your answer.