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Rapid cycling moods by the second, nostalgia


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Hi all,

 

In addition to terrible mornings, another mental symptom I’m struggling hard with is rapid cycling mood all day until evening when I feel normal.

 

For example, I have been waking up lately from very nostalgic dreams of better times, being younger and having none of this garbage happen. Then I just miss my past and the people in it so badly that I’m tempted to reach out. It feels like nothing will ever be that good again. This has been a newer symptom at 8 months out. The depression it brings is insane.

 

My mood also seems to cycle all day from “ok” to despair to hopeless to “ok”, almost by the second.

 

Does anyone experience any of this? Did it ever get better? I’ve been suffering for so long it seems. The depression the benzos brought on, and then all these new symptoms. It’s so hard. I can’t even put into words how difficult it has been.

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Hello. Oh, I know, I had this symptom the entire first year of withdrawal. I had vivid dreams, constant nostalgic thoughts. My bygone past surfaced in my memory so clearly and vividly that it seemed that I could return to it at any second. It was unusual and very depressing. I read in Ashton's guide that this is not the rarest withdrawal symptom. This is normal and will pass with time. He disappeared for me.
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Hi all,

 

In addition to terrible mornings, another mental symptom I’m struggling hard with is rapid cycling mood all day until evening when I feel normal.

 

For example, I have been waking up lately from very nostalgic dreams of better times, being younger and having none of this garbage happen. Then I just miss my past and the people in it so badly that I’m tempted to reach out. It feels like nothing will ever be that good again. This has been a newer symptom at 8 months out. The depression it brings is insane.

 

My mood also seems to cycle all day from “ok” to despair to hopeless to “ok”, almost by the second.

 

Does anyone experience any of this? Did it ever get better? I’ve been suffering for so long it seems. The depression the benzos brought on, and then all these new symptoms. It’s so hard. I can’t even put into words how difficult it has been.

 

First of all, so good to hear that you feel normal during the evening. This seems to be a sign of healing. If you have new symptoms, that seems like a sign they will cycle in and then out from whence they came. I see this as another sign of healing and making progress. When I had a car accident and physical injuries years ago, the pain frequently changed intensity, location, etc -- it moved around until it was gone. I learned that healing is not a linear process. This comes to mind when I read about your experience.

 

I have been experiencing what you describe. It has been intense. I am four months off and have had a lot of flashbacks and regrets. Also, feelings of jealousy of other people who did not take benzos or psych meds and are functional and out enjoying life while I have been resting in bed for months. I think it is a grief process, but I am grieving a metaphoric death of self.

 

Also, I get scared and think I won't heal and be myself again, which is not true. This negative aspect of my thinking assumes I won't return from benzo withdrawal even better than before because it cannot see that far down the road. It doesn't consider that there are countless success stories of recovery on this site and out in the world. People have recovered from tremendous circumstances and come back to full and fruitful lives.

 

I read another member's success story, and she suggested getting to a neutral mindset and not trying to be positive while going through a horrible time; she suggested staying neutral and not dwelling on things. This makes sense and is what I am now focusing on. That being said, everything is easier said than done in benzo recovery. But mindset is a powerful component of anything in life. And we must fight for a healthy mindest the best we can so that darkness does not slow our recovery process. It is so so challenging to do while not feeling well.

 

You mention alcohol use twice in your profile. Not sure if this is something you have considered. I have been to AA and NA during this withdrawal process, even though I am not an addict or alcoholic. People there have welcomed me with open arms, understood what I am going through, and offered tremendous encouragement and support. They have been through far worse with drugs and alcohol, and they come out the other side and lead happy, productive lives. It's a different vibe and focus around healing. There are 24/7 meetings online now. Their spiritual perspective seems to add light to the process of getting through the first year of recovery and beyond.

 

I wish you all the best and so much love in your healing process. I cannot wait to read your success story.

 

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I'm having a lot of this now.... And I'm pretty new to my taper.  I have a suspicion that this is because I am able to feel things I wasn't able to before.  There are a lot of things that have happened, while on benzo and not on benzo.  Its like I cry for the good times, and I mourn about the bad times and feel all of them.    I'm going to take this stuff as a part of healing, because while on (higher) benzo) I obviously was not properly processing emotions.  Now I have to.    I hope you are feeling a little bit better tonight. 
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  • 2 months later...
This is happening again... had 2 okay months where I thought I was healing and that the meds I am on were working. And now this is all back again. I am so worried something stopped working or that this is permanent. I'm so scared. Please, someone help me.
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It will leave again like it did the last time but it will probably show up again but maybe not last as long, or be as intense. I'm watching this happen with my friend, we've been able to see the intensity of his symptoms lessen and the length of time between the waves grow longer. 

 

Are you still on Abilify?

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Hi all,

 

In addition to terrible mornings, another mental symptom I’m struggling hard with is rapid cycling mood all day until evening when I feel normal.

 

For example, I have been waking up lately from very nostalgic dreams of better times, being younger and having none of this garbage happen. Then I just miss my past and the people in it so badly that I’m tempted to reach out. It feels like nothing will ever be that good again. This has been a newer symptom at 8 months out. The depression it brings is insane.

 

My mood also seems to cycle all day from “ok” to despair to hopeless to “ok”, almost by the second.

 

Does anyone experience any of this? Did it ever get better? I’ve been suffering for so long it seems. The depression the benzos brought on, and then all these new symptoms. It’s so hard. I can’t even put into words how difficult it has been.

I had this symptom..It made amazed how the brain stores memories like files on a PC...The memories plus feelings attached...That's when I concluded that the brain ain't nothing to mess with..

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It will leave again like it did the last time but it will probably show up again but maybe not last as long, or be as intense. I'm watching this happen with my friend, we've been able to see the intensity of his symptoms lessen and the length of time between the waves grow longer. 

 

Are you still on Abilify?

 

Hi - thank you so much for the response. I am not on Abilify - I stopped many months ago because I know the consequences of taking APs. Every time I stopped, these symptoms would come back. This is what is making me concerned that it's a *me* issue, not benzos :( I go back and forth all day.

 

I will be 11 months off on 4/4. But I had all of my symptoms towards the end of my use, when I was hungover in the past from 2015-2021 (I won't touch alcohol again; I was also on benzos during this time), during my taper, and now. I need someone rational to explain to me it's benzo related because I think of all my past and convince myself it's always been with me

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Do you experience withdrawal symptoms from the Abilify?  And those two months when these feelings were gone, you were on Abilfy?
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I did not experience Abilify withdrawals, it just slowly went back to getting worse and worse depression/fear. (I started Abilify during this “crisis” in 2021. These feelings came first. May 2021 is when everything started and very shortly after, I started tapering. I started on Abilify/lexapro because I had no idea it was benzo related or could be. I hope that makes sense)

 

And no, 0 Abilify during those 2 months, but did start on Trileptal as a last resort.

 

I know it’s a mess.

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It occurs to me that you probably have no idea who you really are if you've been using benzo's since you were 11, drinking and taking psyche medications, so I apologize for assuming this was all benzo related.  Why were you put on benzo's at such a young age?
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You don't think it's benzo related based on everything?

 

When I was 11, a kid in my class's mom had a brain aneurysm and died. It devastated me - I was obsessing and stressed/panicking non-stop about it. Finally, one time in class at age 11, I zoned out and had a massive derealization attack. I had no idea what was happening, but I assumed I was having an aneurysm and absolutely lost it. And this is how it all started.

 

I was afraid to go to school - I didn't want that to happen again, I was terrified of getting that feeling again. My mom dragged me to a psychiatrist and he put me on Paxil and Xanax. I hardly took the Xanax - just intermittently until late high school/college. Then during college up until 2021, it became daily and doses increased to 1.25-1.5mg from .25. 

 

You don't think how I'm feeling is benzo related?

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I can't imagine a derealization attack at the age of 11, that must have been so scary, you say you didn't take much of the Xanax until you got older, did you ever experience another attack and did you stop panicking and obsessing?

 

I typically assume most everything is benzo related and your symptoms sure sound like they are, especially the way they come and go.  Do you think these feelings came on in 2021 because you were tolerant to the Xanax? 

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I did experience the attacks once in a while. When I was in high school and I smoked weed, they happened, so I vowed to never smoke again. Now when it happens, for the most part I can just distract myself or reason with myself… something like “This has been happening for 30 years… You know what this is!” And it works. The only thing I haven’t gotten over yet is feeling derealization while on the highway, so I have avoided that. But I am working with a therapist now on overcoming it.

 

In addition, I’m also starting EMDR therapy this week, or at least getting prepped and ensuring I will be level enough soon. You are absolutely right when you say that I likely don’t even know myself due to these meds. I have no idea how to cope with stress or trauma. I was always told to just take a pill. Now my body just goes into overdrive.

 

I’m sure tolerance is a lot to do with this. Thank you so much for helping me.

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