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Slow and steady won the race


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I can’t believe it’s really time to write one of these. There were a few years there when I, like many of you, thought I would never be able to write this. My journey was much longer than it needed to be because of ignorance, over confidence, stubbornness and impatience on my part. I made a lot of mistakes that could have been avoided.

 

So here's the story:

In early 2018, I was having complications from a gallbladder removal, and also my job had become VERY stressful. I told a GP during a routine check-up (whom I’d never even spoken to before) that I was experiencing higher-than-normal anxiety and having trouble sleeping, and he promptly dished me out some Xanax. I didn’t really wanna take the stuff, but alas… a few nights later, I just couldn’t fall asleep so I decided to take one and it seemed to work like magic. Over the next few weeks (maybe months) I took them rather sparingly, and never more than .25mg in a day. Within just a few months, I found that I was needing it daily. I could tell something was off. My joints hurt, my anxiety was through the roof, my brain was foggy, etc. I thought it was all because of side effects from the Xanax, so I decided to just stop taking it in Sept 2018 and things really started to go downhill.

 

My anxiety and sleep got worse. I always felt exhausted and foggy but I still couldn’t really sleep. I went on a work trip to NYC that Nov, and it really became apparent to me that something was very very wrong with me. I went to a comedy club by myself while I was out there and I had my first ever full-blown panic attack while on the subway ride back to my hotel. I remember feeling deeply depressed throughout the whole trip. I could NOT sleep. I remember one night checking to see if the windows opened in my hotel room, thank goodness they did not. I never had ideations like these or any kind of real depression before in my life. Not long after that trip I started seeing a therapist (again, another first) and she convinced me that I needed the medication. She suggested I try klonopin, so I got a prescription and started taking .5mg “as needed” in Dec.

 

It was pretty much a repeat of before. The med did seem to help some, but every time it wore off I just felt so awful. Convinced that it was all side effects again, I went off of it in Feb 2019. This time I did read online that benzos should be tapered, so I did about a 2-3 week taper (essentially another CT). Right around that time my company got purchased by a larger company, and my job became even more stressful and I was worried about the security of my job. That’s about the time that I also discovered benzobuddies.

 

I started reading everything I could on this forum, and I read the Ashton manual at least 5 times. I learned how slowly you are supposed to taper these drugs. I learned all about what benzos do to your mind and body, and learned even more about what happens when you abruptly stop taking them. I read so many horror stories. But even after reading all that, and after all of the horrible symptoms I had already experienced, I was still confident that I wasn’t like the rest. I was young, active and healthy (I thought). And I thought I was strong. After all, I had done some really hard things in my lifetime. NOTHING could prepare me for what would come next, though. I became consumed with soooo much fear. I guess “chemical terror” is the best description. I had akathisia, intrusive thoughts, DR, depression, anhedonia (this complete loss of interest in life was BY FAR the worst symptom, that darkness is soooo very bleak). I had chest pain, rib and neck pain, confusion, extreme head pressure, horrible nausea, insomnia, and much more. After 65 days I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to reinstate at .5mg and do a “proper” taper, starting may 2019.

 

Things never really got much better throughout most of that first taper attempt. I thought I was going plenty slow, but as it turns out, I was still going too fast. I did start having some pretty decent windows and those helped me to keep trudging forward. But, for the most part I was in complete misery. I also did in fact end up losing my job in Jan 2020 (new parent company canned me). I had to hunt for a new job and I interviewed at over 60 different companies, all while I was just so miserable. I did not have the option to pause life and stop working while I was recovering. I did look into short or long-term disability, but for a variety of reasons I wasn't able to do that either. I did finally land a new job, and on the same day I got that job offer, my wife told me she was done and that I needed to find a new place to live. There were a lot of complicated factors to what drove her to want that, but how I became during withdrawal was definitely a huge part of it. I was a shell of myself and admittedly not the easiest dude to live with at the time. So anyway, all in the very same week, I separated from my wife/family, moved into an apartment of my own, started a brand new job, and the Covid lockdown happened. It was just soooo much to deal with. I highly suspect that my symptoms wouldn’t have been quite so bad if I didn’t have so many other life stressors to deal with during this journey. My system just couldn’t handle it.

 

I would always read on here that people would gauge how much they’ve healed by what they were able to do. Like drive, work, clean the house, go out with friends, etc. Well I didn’t have a choice, I just HAD to do those things, so I was doing all of the things (except... I would pass on friend activities often). I was so scared to plan anything because I never knew how bad I was gonna be feeling. But, I would think, “well, am I healed since I can drive and work (sorta)? Is this just how I’m going to feel for forever?” However, most days I could barely keep my head up while working. I had zero motivation to do anything and nothing seemed to matter at all. In this aspect covid was a godsend because I got to work from home, and was able to just coast a little bit. I never felt happy or any joy at all. I was unable to feel any excitement. I was sad, anxious, and angry all of the time, and I just felt so so sick. I kept thinking I could find a way out, a shortcut or a magic bullet. I seriously thought that I would be the first one to find a quick way through this withdrawal. I tried so many supplements and remedies, some of which just made things worse, and none of them ever really helped. I tried a ton of other meds which were all bad ideas. At one point I was taking klonopin, propranolol, mirtazapine, and buspar all at the same time. I also tried hydroxyzine, gabapentin, clonodine, lexipro, paxil, celexa and I’m sure I’m missing a few. All the ssris threw me into day-long panic attacks after a single dose. I only stuck with the mirt (7.5mg) because it did actually seem to help some, and I was scared to have additional withdrawals from that. I spent an insane amount of money on various treatments. I did ozone IV therapy, went to a reiki master, and did hypnotherapy. I went to a brain clinic that did a bunch of tests and gave me a bunch of brain exercises to do (I actually think this one might have helped me in the long-run, I still do the exercises sometimes). I even went to some weird spiritual healer lady that did some silly stuff with my arms and then told me I had some dead guy’s spirit attached to me from England, and she “cast” it out of me… yea that was most definitely a complete waste of money. But I was so desperate, and was a prime target for scams because I would try just about anything.

 

The most extreme thing I did:

I decided to book 10 sessions of NAD+ in Louisiana. I had to wait 6-7 weeks to go out there after booking, so I figured since I was pretty low on my dose and would be stopping the med while out there, I would hold until I went. During the last 2-3 weeks before I took off, I started feeling better than I had since this journey began. So good in fact that I nearly canceled the treatment (& I wish I would have) but instead chose to go through with it and off I went in Sept 2020. I flew to Louisiana, jumped off the Klonopin, and started the daily infusions.

 

One thing is for sure, NAD did NOT work for me. I have read a bunch of stories from people who used it to get off benzos and it really worked for them. That wasn’t the case for me, in fact I think it made things much much worse. I started going downhill so fast while I was out there. All of the symptoms mentioned above returned and then some. I started hallucinating, seeing and hearing things that weren’t there. I got next to zero sleep while I was there, and when I did fall asleep I had the most vivid nightmare dreams ever. I had one where I dreamt that my youngest child started to choke on some candy and I couldn’t get it dislodged and I was literally watching him die in front of me. I woke up and it felt so real. I had another dream where I got into a violent fist fight with my dad and I woke up yelling.

 

When I came home, I really tried my best to stick it out and stay off the med, but I just got worse and worse. Add tinnitus to the list of symptoms now (I was so glad that I hadn’t had this one prior). My skin started to burn all over. I got so bad that my family started taking turns staying with me at my apartment. At that point I had just become so tired of being so miserable, and it had just been going on for too long, I just thought that there was no end in sight. I thought I had permanently damaged myself and was pretty convinced that I was completely ruined. I definitely became a danger to myself and was so ready to just give up. I knew I didn’t want to die, but I also knew that I couldn’t keep living with so much pain and misery. Something had to give, and I ended up landing myself in a psych ward for a few days.

 

When I got out, my only hope was that I remembered that I started to feel pretty damn good while holding for a few weeks before the NAD. I thought maybe, just maybe, THAT was the real answer all along. Do long holds and go super slow on a taper. As devastating as it was to start again (and I knew I was risking some serious kindling), I decided to get back on at .25mg and give it one more try. So in mid Oct 2020, I reinstated and held until late Dec. And, lo and behold, I started feeling pretty damn good again. I am still shocked by how quickly things seemed to turn around for me. A few people on here can attest to this (especially Pamster. She kept a close watchful eye on me… thank you for that!) I then switched to liquid and started micro-tapering, and spent 19 months listening to my body and tapering just that quarter of a milligram very slowly. I can’t say that the taper went perfectly, but it was pretty damn-near perfect. I experienced very minimal symptoms the entire time, and when I did feel any creep up, I would just hold a few extra days or weeks and they would go away. This is what I should have been doing all along, but I was careful to not dwell on that thought. I have no regrets, I had to make a bunch of mistakes to really learn, that’s just how I’m wired I guess. Also, this time I was able to completely change my mindset… this was important. Before, I would obsess and obsess about my taper, and it was all I could talk about and think about. This time, I did not think much about it, and I did not care about how long it would take me. That mindset really helped. I finally took my last sliver of benzos on July 16, 2022, and I gently walked off. I did have a few minor waves during the first few months, but all were very manageable, and not even a fraction of what I had experienced before. I was feeling so good a few months before jumping that I also started tapering off of the mirtazapine, and was able to get the rest of the way off just a few months after jumping off benzos, making myself officially drug free for the first time since early 2018.

 

I still haven’t been off for very long as I write this post, but long enough that I can say with 100% confidence that I am healed. And things just keep getting better and better. Anxiety and depression are gone. That’s not to say that I don’t have stressful days or things that make me sad, but I now have a “normal human” amount of those things. I have a whole new outlook on life. I don’t seem to sweat the little things anymore. I don’t seem to worry about money much anymore. I can live in the moment much better now. I used to dwell a lot on the past and nostalgia made me sad. And, I used to worry about the future almost constantly. Now, I don’t do either of those things anymore… or at least, not nearly as much. And I can sleep again! I can’t believe that I can fall asleep watching movies again! While in withdrawal, I remember thinking “why would I have ever fought falling asleep during tv or movies before? I would kill to do that now!" Back when my brother was staying with me, he would fall asleep on the couch while watching TV pretty much every night and I would get so jealous and downright mad even! Now I’m back to fighting sleep a little when watching stuff with my kids or girlfriend, oh the things we take for granted. I have my kids part time and I am enjoying them more than ever before (granted, they can still push my buttons and test my patience quite effectively). I’m traveling, biking, rock climbing, playing music in a band, enjoying and appreciating warm weather and sunsets more than ever, and living life to it’s fullest. I even went skydiving a few months ago! Never could I ever have done that during withdrawal. The only symptom that continues to linger is that my right ear always feels clogged and it pops all the time. This started when I had extreme head pressure after quitting the Xanax like 4 years ago. I’ve learned to just deal and maybe one day it will go away.

 

There were a few things that did help and gave me some relief at the times I was at my worst. Exercise was #1. I know that some people get revved up and can’t handle exercise, but I guess I lucked out and could do it. Maybe it was because I was already very active before. Mountain biking could temporarily make me forget about how badly I was suffering, and would stop the constant intrusive thoughts. I’ve also always had a passion for music and I would spend hours and hours on my laptop creating music and writing songs. I teamed up with another buddy on here, boomboxboy, and collaborated with him on a bunch of his music that he wrote. A lot of the songs were about benzo withdrawal. It was a great distraction. I also got very into things like meditation, yoga, qigong, kundalini, Buddhism, etc. Of course, there were times when none of these things would help, and that would just make me angry and depressed that they weren’t helping. But, they helped often enough that it was always worth it to try whenever I could. Plus, I think they all may have helped me heal faster in the long run. Cleaning up my diet also helped a lot. I avoided processed foods, sugar (mostly), alcohol, and caffeine. Now I can have caffeine again with no issues. At a certain point I stopped coming to BB other than to post on my blog (all of which is still on here, and documents all of my descents into madness). I felt like I had all of the education I needed, and reading on here would usually only scare me, and more fear was the last thing I needed. Probably the thing that likely helped most during the final taper was finding love. Several months after separating from my wife I was starting to feel significantly better, but I felt so lonely and isolated (covid was in full force as well). So, I decided I would give the dating apps a try. It was terrifying and downright depressing at first, but then I met the most wonderful and beautiful woman and over the next few months we fell in love and it has been truly amazing. I can’t say I know for sure what the future holds for us, logistically things can get a tad complicated for us, but I’m handling any complication pretty darn well because my brain is no longer chemically broken! And I’m just enjoying every moment with her. I believe she helped save my life.

 

I can’t say that I’m glad that this happened to me because it was downright awful… truly a living hell. But I am grateful for the things I learned because of it. I have so much more compassion for people and their struggles now. I got to know myself much better than I ever had before. Maybe we have to hit bottom and completely lose ourselves in order to truly find ourselves. I do wish sometimes that I had just done a super slow taper right out of the gate, but again, it’s not something worth dwelling on. I can say that I learned that getting off benzos DOES NOT need to be a nightmare if tapered slow enough. I really feel like I beat this thing well before I was actually off the med, and I really think that you can too! I know that everybody is different, and circumstances are different, but it’s hard for me to believe anything other than the notion that going very slow is almost always the answer. But either way, no matter how hard this is for you right now, and how impossible it seems, or how unlikely it may seem that you will ever get better, I promise you that you will. Just keep taking it one second, minute, hour, day & week at a time. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Try to avoid stress as much as you possibly can. Surround yourself with people you love, and more importantly, people who love YOU. You will prevail!!

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Wow...great story and well recounted. Bunch of things in there resonate with me so far and give hope gor the future...many thanks 🙏
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love this!  Also - LOL'd because it's so relatable. The things we do to try and find relief. Hope that dead English guy isn't haunting you anymore ;)  also slow and steady  totally true..  so so happy for you. Life is even more sweeter when windows come and stay. when life comes back and we can relish in the mundane and boredom we used to dismiss and be annoyed at.
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I’ve been waiting for your story for so long, thank you for writing it, and I have to say I think you can add writing to your many talents, its a beautiful and compelling story.  I learned even more about your journey than I knew and it only adds to my admiration of your strength and commitment to survive and thrive from this terrible ordeal.

 

I’ve missed our talks but knowing you’re free from the pain and happy is all I need.  You’re a remarkable person and I’m so happy I got to know you.  :smitten:

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Hearsaybenz,

 

What a wonderful end to your story! I'm so glad you are better and I really appreciate the time you took to report back to all of us. I'm sure your account will give many the hope we all need to keep plodding forward.

 

Thank you and enjoy you life!

 

Helen

 

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Thank you so much for sharing your incredibly inspirational success story!  This is a great gift to others who are in the thick of withdrawal. Wishing you much happiness!
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Hearsaybenz, thank you so much for taking time to post this well written, honest and hope filled journey.  I wish I would have gotten to know you on here. My journey is just beginning, and I have a long road ahead. I failed to start a proper taper, without knowing, and am just trying to stabilize currently.  We are probably similar in age, have similar interests and personalities, and I too have a young son (6) and baby girl due in February.  Thank you for encouraging me today to take it super slow from here and be strong. Go live your life, and hopefully I will get there one day as well!
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love this!  Also - LOL'd because it's so relatable. The things we do to try and find relief. Hope that dead English guy isn't haunting you anymore ;)  also slow and steady  totally true..  so so happy for you. Life is even more sweeter when windows come and stay. when life comes back and we can relish in the mundane and boredom we used to dismiss and be annoyed at.

 

Thanks Tikvah! Ha ha, I think it's safe to say that I'm free from any english guy spirits now  :thumbsup:. That's super cool that you found a doc that worked with Dr Ashton! I actually tried to email her once while I was in withdrawal, I didn't realize she had already passed away like a month earlier. I got a response from her son, which was super cool of him. He basically told me that you can never go too slow ha ha. I still have the email, maybe I should post it on the forum. Best of luck with the rest of your taper, and I'm sure the end will come before ya know it!

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I’ve been waiting for your story for so long, thank you for writing it, and I have to say I think you can add writing to your many talents, its a beautiful and compelling story.  I learned even more about your journey than I knew and it only adds to my admiration of your strength and commitment to survive and thrive from this terrible ordeal.

 

I’ve missed our talks but knowing you’re free from the pain and happy is all I need.  You’re a remarkable person and I’m so happy I got to know you.  :smitten:

 

Thanks for those very kind words, Pamster! I have missed our chats as well, and thank you for seeing me through this! It was kinda cool knowing I had a local neighbor on here following my journey!

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Hearsaybenz, thank you so much for taking time to post this well written, honest and hope filled journey.  I wish I would have gotten to know you on here. My journey is just beginning, and I have a long road ahead. I failed to start a proper taper, without knowing, and am just trying to stabilize currently.  We are probably similar in age, have similar interests and personalities, and I too have a young son (6) and baby girl due in February.  Thank you for encouraging me today to take it super slow from here and be strong. Go live your life, and hopefully I will get there one day as well!

 

Yea, too bad our paths didn't cross sooner! Congrats on the new baby girl next month! Your journey may be just starting but you got this! :)  Sounds like you're doing the right things now, and you will absolutely get there one day! Best of luck to you!

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hearsaybenz -

 

I enjoyed connecting with you on your blog (via Pamster's intro) and I'm so happy to read this. I have appreciated your stories and it's great to see you getting on with your life!!

 

openroad

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hearsaybenz -

 

I enjoyed connecting with you on your blog (via Pamster's intro) and I'm so happy to read this. I have appreciated your stories and it's great to see you getting on with your life!!

 

openroad

 

Thanks openroad! I've really appreciated all your responses on my blog. Looks like you are getting closer and closer to that finish line!  :thumbsup: Keep it up!

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Yes, probably just 2-3 weeks away from the finish line. Wild to think of it, but will see you on the other side soon! Thanks for all the encouragement!
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Yes, probably just 2-3 weeks away from the finish line. Wild to think of it, but will see you on the other side soon! Thanks for all the encouragement!

 

What!!?? Oh wow that is so exciting!! Congratulations, that's so cool! I will have to hop back on here to see how the jump goes for ya!

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thank you so much for your story

Ive been very unstable due to a bad  drug rehab which made me taper far too quickly.Unfortunately no body in my family understands and thinks I didnt try hard enough

Im now trying to stablise on 15 mgs of zopicone and taper very slowing from there.Ive updosed a few times as I have a lot of stress in my life right now and my body just doesnt cope well at present,So Yes stress is a major problem for mr during this time

Hopefully I can stable and be happy again.

Thankyou for your words I dont feel quite alone.

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thank you so much for your story

Ive been very unstable due to a bad  drug rehab which made me taper far too quickly.Unfortunately no body in my family understands and thinks I didnt try hard enough

Im now trying to stablise on 15 mgs of zopicone and taper very slowing from there.Ive updosed a few times as I have a lot of stress in my life right now and my body just doesnt cope well at present,So Yes stress is a major problem for mr during this time

Hopefully I can stable and be happy again.

Thankyou for your words I dont feel quite alone.

 

Thanks. I really hope you'll be able to stabilize too! I think that you can. Keep it slow, and I hope that things can't get much less stressful for your before you need to continue your taper. Hang in there, and good luck.

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oh man! you should post it - that's super cool.

 

Ok here it is... I'm also gonna go post it over in the "chewing the fat" board. It's funny that he says "6 months", which I now think is pretty ambitious for just about anybody. I'm glad that he at least says that it can "occasionally take over a year". He's right about the patience. I also really like what he says about the symptoms not doing any permanent harm.

 

 

Dear ****,

 

I'm so sorry to have to tell you that my mother died last month, after a long illness.

 

I suspect she would have advised you on these lines:

 

- don't get too hung up on the precise fine tuning of your taper

 

- above all, if you are having problems, slow down (and if necessary even consider going temporarily into reverse, to find a platform dose that takes the edge off any withdrawal symptoms, from which then to come slowly down). You can go too fast but never too slowly

 

- you should allow at least six months to complete the whole process, and be ready to go beyond that if you need to. The whole thing can occasionally take over a year. You need great patience

 

- any withdrawal symptoms you are experiencing, awful as they are, are unlikely to be doing you permanent harm. They should recede gradually - though this can take a very long time

 

- there are no short cuts (eg via alternative medication). Do not listen to anyone - even if medically qualified - who tells you there are

 

- it is essential to proceed under the close supervision of a compassionate and competent doctor. They do not need specialist knowledge - a good general practitioner can provide the necessary support. But they must commit to reading my mother's manual (linked below) and following the gradualist principles it sets out

 

- if your anxiety and depression predate your use of Klonopin, or if other complicating factors are in play, you should get these thoroughly assessed - again under the guidance of a doctor to whom you have entrusted your overall care - before proceeding further

 

- explore all sensible non-medicative options as well, eg diet, exercise, accredited talking therapies and relaxation techniques.

 

I hope this is helpful in some way. I should point out that although I am broadly familiar with my mother's work, I have no medical qualifications of my own. So if you choose to act on any of the above, please do so on your own responsibility.

 

My mother would have had great sympathy for you in your ordeal. In the hope of offering a little solace, she might have assured you that you are not alone - far from it - and that all her work convinced her that for nearly everyone in your position, there is light at the end of the benzo tunnel.

 

With best wishes as you move, I hope, towards it

 

John Ashton

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That's very cool, Hearsaybenz! Thank you for posting that.  I think we all need to reread that part about "there are no shortcuts and don't let anyone tell you there are".  I decided over a year ago (I'm 20 months post taper) that I would no longer accept any supplements or remedies or medications for the symptoms.  If I'm deathly ill and need some life saving medication, that's another story but as of now, even though I'm still struggling in waves and windows, the symptoms are for me to cope with...not to put a bandaid on them as that bandaid can cause a whole heap of trouble sometimes.  Great post. Thanks!
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oh man! you should post it - that's super cool.

 

Ok here it is... I'm also gonna go post it over in the "chewing the fat" board. It's funny that he says "6 months", which I now think is pretty ambitious for just about anybody. I'm glad that he at least says that it can "occasionally take over a year". He's right about the patience. I also really like what he says about the symptoms not doing any permanent harm.

 

 

Dear ****,

 

I'm so sorry to have to tell you that my mother died last month, after a long illness.

 

I suspect she would have advised you on these lines:

 

- don't get too hung up on the precise fine tuning of your taper

 

- above all, if you are having problems, slow down (and if necessary even consider going temporarily into reverse, to find a platform dose that takes the edge off any withdrawal symptoms, from which then to come slowly down). You can go too fast but never too slowly

 

- you should allow at least six months to complete the whole process, and be ready to go beyond that if you need to. The whole thing can occasionally take over a year. You need great patience

 

- any withdrawal symptoms you are experiencing, awful as they are, are unlikely to be doing you permanent harm. They should recede gradually - though this can take a very long time

 

- there are no short cuts (eg via alternative medication). Do not listen to anyone - even if medically qualified - who tells you there are

 

- it is essential to proceed under the close supervision of a compassionate and competent doctor. They do not need specialist knowledge - a good general practitioner can provide the necessary support. But they must commit to reading my mother's manual (linked below) and following the gradualist principles it sets out

 

- if your anxiety and depression predate your use of Klonopin, or if other complicating factors are in play, you should get these thoroughly assessed - again under the guidance of a doctor to whom you have entrusted your overall care - before proceeding further

 

- explore all sensible non-medicative options as well, eg diet, exercise, accredited talking therapies and relaxation techniques.

 

I hope this is helpful in some way. I should point out that although I am broadly familiar with my mother's work, I have no medical qualifications of my own. So if you choose to act on any of the above, please do so on your own responsibility.

 

My mother would have had great sympathy for you in your ordeal. In the hope of offering a little solace, she might have assured you that you are not alone - far from it - and that all her work convinced her that for nearly everyone in your position, there is light at the end of the benzo tunnel.

 

With best wishes as you move, I hope, towards it

 

John Ashton

 

 

wow...  I just teared up.  i hope her family knows how much of an impact she has had on so many lives. Incredible email to have received.

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That's very cool, Hearsaybenz! Thank you for posting that.  I think we all need to reread that part about "there are no shortcuts and don't let anyone tell you there are".  I decided over a year ago (I'm 20 months post taper) that I would no longer accept any supplements or remedies or medications for the symptoms.  If I'm deathly ill and need some life saving medication, that's another story but as of now, even though I'm still struggling in waves and windows, the symptoms are for me to cope with...not to put a bandaid on them as that bandaid can cause a whole heap of trouble sometimes.  Great post. Thanks!

 

Right?! I really love that part too, and it is so damn true. And, it only took me like another year after that email to really listen to that advice and believe it ha ha. There are definitely no shortcuts. I'm glad that letter is offering some inspiration, it's definitely super cool.

 

 

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