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3 months out: reflecting as a physician. Believe, endure & succeed.


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Hi everyone,

 

I started taking Xanax 2.5 years ago for the treatment of insomnia. Initial dose was 0.25mg, but this kept escalating over time as I became dependent until I reached a max dose of around 2mg nightly. I am a physician in training and work a very demanding job. You feel you should have known better than being on benzodiazepines? Well, imagine how I felt. I understand the negative judgement I may receive for this, but I felt it's appropriate to be forthcoming about my background.

 

Initially taking benzodiazepines was a miracle drug. Everything seemed better: sleep, anxiety, work and social life. Slowly, however, I started noticing its impacts, particularly at work. I was becoming more tired, depressed, anxious, slow and anything but my former self. I tried to taper several times by myself, but in retrospect did so too rapidly. It was challenging to taper and maintain the same functioning at work. My colleagues started noticing that I was more tired lately, but this was brushed off to the demands of a busy schedule and long on call shifts. The guilt of me inadvertently making an error at work started haunting me every day. I was afraid of further harming myself, and worst of all my patients. For these reasons, I decided to quit cold turkey.

 

In retrospect, I would say this is EXTREMELY ill advised, but I will add that to the series of bad decisions and misjudgements I made while being on benzodiazepines at that time. I asked for 2 months off work for medical leave and began the process of suffering. The first 72 hours were hell on earth. I experienced every symptom in the book short of seizures (very lucky). On day 3-4 I started having rhabdomyolysis due to my diffuse muscle clonic activity. I also entered a brief state of delirium tremens where I was hallucinating (auditory and visual). I was bedridden, debilitated and the nausea rendered me unable to tolerate any oral intake. I was severely constipated and unable to urinate. On day 5, I fortunately had my first night of brief sleep and when I woke up I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. My symptoms my indeed be persisting, but they are not worsening. I knew that the healing would be prolonged, but I had certainly survived the toughest stretch.

 

After day 7, my cognitive fog improved slightly and I was able to start reading and interacting with computer devices. During my isolation, this forum helped me realize that I am not alone and a lot of you out there share the same daily challenges I was going through. Coinciding with the early morning cortisol rise, I found that the start of the day was the worst. I would sit in bed for hours waiting for my symptoms to get better. The hours turned into days, and the days turned into weeks with me feeling almost the same way. After around 4 weeks, I decided to drop this idea of time frames as I realized that benzodiazepine withdrawal doesn't really work like that. The physical and cognitive symptoms may wax and wane but they are here to stay for a long time. What I needed to do was piece my life back together and learn to adapt to my symptoms.

 

I started creating a daily schedule that involved me getting out of bed as soon as my alarm rang. On some days I pushed myself to go on a walk (easier said than done, I know) or meditate at home. I tried to keep myself busy with cooking and cleaning (If my hands were stable enough to do so). Slowly, I found myself being more tolerant of physical activity and my walks would turn into jogs and bike rides. I understand that I am very privileged physically and financially that I was able to do these things. Truthfully, however, this individualized habitual schedule helped me tremendously.  After week 6, I couldn't stay in hiding anymore. I started opening up about what I had went through to my closest friends and family. I kept cancelling on social plans due to fears of my appearance and not being able to control my symptoms in public. One day a friend insisted to spend the weekend with me and from then on I was able to slowly get over my social anxiety.

 

After 8 weeks, I somehow returned to work. I asked to be on a placement where I did not interact with patients. I was lucky to have supervisors and colleagues that were supportive of this. I struggled with imposter syndrome at work. Yes, I had to walk out of the building due to several anxiety attacks during my first weeks, but I learned to push through these over time. After a month from returning to work, I had time off for the holidays. I spent 5 days on a vacation abroad and this was truly life changing.

 

I learned that my journey is certainly not over. I will continue to struggle with physical and mental symptoms of withdrawal every day. What I do know is that today is better than yesterday, and yesterday was better than the day before it. Reading the posts written by people who have recovered certainly continue to be a glimmer of hope. I will continue to believe, endure and appreciate every little success that comes along the way.

 

PS: This post should not be taken as advice (and certainly not medical advice). I strongly believe you should speak to your physician for this. I simply wanted to share my story as others have.

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What a fantastic post. Thank you for sharing so authentically. Your story is one of triumph. I am amazed at your recovery and pray for continued success in all of your endeavors.

 

I hope you will help your colleagues better understand the dangers of benzodiazepines after this experience. While there may be a time and place for benzos for certain patients, unfortunately, as we all know, there are not enough experts in this field or doctors educating other doctors on the dark side of these meds. (Including educating psychiatrists.)

 

And the fact that physicians are not providing patients or their parents with informed consent that spells out the possible side effects of these drugs has been a problem and will continue to be a problem as more and more people take them in today's world.

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Thanks so much for posting your story! It was written lucidly and with such clarity that it's surprising. It's so nice to hear from someone who sees their experience from an objective point of view.

 

Weird the way we all somehow know we should be better than we are (symptom-wise) but can't do a blessed thing about it. Inch by inch, pushing here and there to make yourself do things that used to be easy-peasy. I've read many who have a new appreciation for life once they've adequately healed. May that be the end of your story (and mine, and, well, everyones!)

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Your cold turkey experience mirrors my own as does the time frame you were able to return to work, I was also not my best but able to show up. 

 

I’m amazed you were able to travel, it sounds like it was beneficial.  Thanks for acknowledging cortisol in the morning being an issue, most everyone here struggles that time of day.

 

I’m glad you shared your story, I know you have a to of healing to do but your positive attitude will take you into full recovery and I hope you’ll share your success story with us.

 

Pamster

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Hello Sidenote72,

 

Congratulations on your success so far! It is refreshing to read. I wish you well and hope that you get an opportunity to share your story to help others as well as your own work. It’s great To have a physician know what it’s like from the other perspective. (Not that you had/have to endure symptoms)

 

Best,

Brit

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  • 3 weeks later...
Thank you!  I also took a family trip abroad a two weeks off Klonopin taper and it was life changing.    Good luck in your healing recovery.      The world needs many more medical professionals like you. 
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  • 3 months later...
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